12 year old daughter / unmonitored internet access

There are genres of music where language such as you’ve mentioned is usual. The lyrics have been around a while & many people buy, stream & otherwise enjoy the accompanying music. I’m not sure how exactly her access could be blocked as it’s very commonplace although some broadcasters use beeps & blurs in certain circumstances.

Maybe explain to her why you’re shocked at the lyrics, why you find them disrespectful or unsuitable for her to listen to or to use & find out about her interest in the music.

Is the language content of the backing track to which they are dancing the reason why your daughter received a permanent ban?

I have a daughter at the same age and have to manage similar challenges. Although it is not easy, the number 1 rule is that my wife and I are 100% aligned with the strategy. And if we weren't we would still act as if we were in front of our kids.

From what you wrote it looks like the dynamic you are facing is you having to manage 2 pre-teens, as opposed to 2 adults managing 1 pre-teen. Easier said than done but perhaps a first step would be a 121 conversation with your daughter's mother to discuss options and see what she proposes.

We then try to keep rules simple (1: Guidence/Education; 2: "Policing/Enforcement"):

1. At 12 they start seeing much more of the world than what they have seen so far...for everything they experience we don't like there are 2 options: either we/she can do something (realistic) about it, or we/she can't. When we/she can't, we work with her to manage it. It is impossible to stop anyone listening to bad language, it's everywhere! So she knows she should not use it, in particular in some settings (this extends to stuff shared online).
2. Whe she got her phone, we signed a contract with her clearly outlining roles and responsibilities of the 2 sides towards each other in relation to phone usage (parents-daughter contract). That includes Google Family, what is a fantastic resource, and our right to check her phone at any time. The breach of those rules will lead to the phone getting removed from her.

When we were kids, playing on the street was when you could get away with everything. It was one of the only moments when neither your parents/relatives nor educators were watching you. Unmonitored online live for kids is like playing on the street, with the difference that back in the day we were just "down the road" and your parents very much knew the potential dangers out there. Online there are no limits, anyone can get in touch with your kids and your kids can get into much more trouble than us back in the day.

I don't see monitoring a 12 y/o phone activity as interfering in anyone's lives. It is the responsibility of any parent with an interest in his kids saftey and education.

Yep, it's a minefield that we've created and allow our kids to run in.

It's **** nuts that parents think unrestricted internet access for kids is ok. And it's a tidal wave, suddenly your kid is strange if they don't have a smart phone etc etc etc

I think as a culture and society we have failed hard here.

And **** the people who think it causes no harm. Hopefully their kids don't get anorexia or other severe mental health issues or attack or rape someone and record it some social network for likes. Also, don't get lost down some porn rabbit hole and end up totally confused about what's a normal relationship and what's not. It goes on and on. New craziness being created each day.

The government doesn't care as long as the money comes in from those fucked up internet companies.

Important point is she is still the loveliest kid imaginable. Of the right example has been set I think she will be ok.

What ate her friends like? Seem like good kids?

The example her peers set will influence her far more than anything she sees online.

I just discovered my own 12 year old singing that song as well on tick tok ...I also found out he was looking at porn i felt sick ...

My ex got him a new phone i told her to give it to me first ill set it up with google and restrictions and no she gave it straight to him ..

His eating habits are also destroyed he eats takeaways and chocolate and rubbish all the time ...she also gave him a revolut card with a few hundred on it disaster ..

Because of the mess he has been ordered to live with me but i know have a chilld that is difficult ..I tried telling her and point out issues in her parenting and wouldnt listen to me ..In the end i had to get tulsa involved and now he has to stay with me

Im going to get the young fella to watch this week

The focus on image on social media is also a problem. I see kids kids become very image conscious once they get a smart phone. It's not copying their peers it's copying those clowns on social media. They start living through their phone.

I think you're conflating two different issues here - unrestricted access to the internet/social media, which is definitely not ideal, and the music on her TikTok, which I think you're overreacting to. I was a MASSIVE gangsta rap fan at that age, but I grew into a perfectly well-adjusted woman with no acquired issues around violence, sex or misogyny.

The phone thing is the real concern here, but as others have said, without your ex on board, you're likely just shouting into the void. As a very part-time parent, there's also a good chance you'll be told to mind your own business (as your ex sees it). Could you look to increase your access at all?

The music thing is a different issue.

But theres education there too. They need to be told what is culturally and socially appropriate. There is a reason there is filter on music apps.

We had a psychiatrist in at work giving a speech. He said that the day you give your child a smartphone their mental health is permanently damaged. This is true for adults also but more damaging for children.

Education by parents or teachers can’t work because children are extremely effectively educated (behaviour modification) by their smartphones for hours each day. There is nothing a parent or teacher can achieve in a periodic chat to counter that.

Concerns about what music is doing to young folk has been around since Jerry Lee Lewis first jumped on his piano. See also death metal, punk, etc. The list is endless. Beyond, as you said, educating her about what's culturally and socially appropriate, I really wouldn't be clutching my pearls about what music she's listening to.

One of my absolute favourite songs when I was that age was Tupac's "Hit Em Up". The lyrics are absolutely appalling but I just thought it was a massively catchy tune.

I still love 90s hip-hop and R&B but would be very aware of what lyrics I sing/rap along to these days, which is where the education piece you mentioned comes in for the likes of the OP's daughter who might not realise that it's not appropriate for white people to use the N word, even when singing along with a song they like.