Sex-starved marriage

vegandinner · 03-05-2022 03:53PM

Is she open to having the doctor do a hormone panel? If it’s a hormone issue it can be diagnosed and treated. But equally it could simply be that she simply doesn’t want to have sex with you.

StringerBell · 03-05-2022 03:55PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009314#Comment_119009314

It would seem to be the case, I don't like to tell people what they should do in their relationships as a rule.

I would suggest to you though that bar having some conversation & therapy etc to see if the issue with your wife can be remedied then living a sexless life is just too cruel & unfair on yourself to continue with. Life is too short, everyone deserves to at least try to be happy.

You will likely end up growing more distant and possibly resentful of your wife as time goes on I would think and in the end you won't be meeting her needs anymore than she is meeting yours. Both of you will then be miserable. We get one go here, and owe it to ourselves to do all we can to make that one go enough.

I am truly sorry to hear of the situation your in, its heartwrenching especially as its a family that will be dissolving rather than just a marriage but it doesn't have to mean the children are negatively impacted once you can be amicable.

Best of luck

CreadanLady · 03-05-2022 04:03PM

@vegandinner .

No you misunderstand. She has never really wanted intimacy. He knew of this characteristic before he married her. And she was able to have one or more children so her hormones were working properly.

So I greatly doubt that it is a hormone issue. And even if it was, she is not bothered by the lack of intimacy. She is totally indifferent to it.

The truth is, this is not her problem. It is the OPs problem. She is entitled to bodily autonomy and is entitled to a sex life or no sex life as she sees fit. She should not feel any obligation to undergo any sort of hormone tests or treatments just to humour her husband nor should she have to listen to conversations or badgering about their sex life if a sex life is not something she wants.

The OP knew before he married her, many years ago, that she had little to no interest in sex. He had the options of taking it or leaving it then. He took it.

The OP can do what he wants, here, either put up with it or separate and go find a partner with whom is is compatible.

What is not acceptable here is any sort of attempt to entice, persuade or out maneuver the wife into changing her mind about intimacy that she clearly doesn't want.

If she didn't want it 15 years ago, didn't want it all through the last 15 years, and doesn't want it now, there is practically nought chance of her voluntarily changing her mind in response to some 5 point program and hormone test that some here would wish to force down her throat when she clearly has no interest in any of it.

magic_murph · 03-05-2022 04:06PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009442#Comment_119009442

I have to say I have found all your comments on this thread very judgmental, incorrect and somewhat rude when compared to the original problem the OP posted. I don't find anything you have suggested to be remotely helpful / supportive to the OP.

Just my feedback.

To the OP

The best thing you can do is talk with your wife, I know you have done this before but layout out the problem, your frustrations and what you think the next steps are (prob separation. Explain that you want to stay on good terms for the kids etc and try to understand what it is that is preventing her from being romantic. Does she still love you, find you attractive etc

By the sounds of things it is highly unlikely things will magically turn around but at least you will have tried and will be able to move on knowing you have tried your best ad the problem is somewhat out of your control.

You will thank yourself down the line by giving yourself the chance of a happier future for yourself.

rob316 · 03-05-2022 04:07PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009301#Comment_119009301

No one has ever found a new partner after separating? Even middle aged? What nonsense.

I'd rather be alone than keep been miserable in a sexless marriage.

NickNickleby · 03-05-2022 04:08PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009556#Comment_119009556

Here you go, its down the page under "Grounds for judicial Separation...

Judicial separation (citizensinformation.ie)

03-05-2022 04:18PM

If the woman identifies as asexual, and the OP has said she has referred to herself as such - then there is nothing to fix.

She is not broken. She is not menopausal. She does not have an illness, or need a hormone profile.

She just does not feel sexual attraction.

This does not mean she cannot feel love, or have a close relationship. She can. It does not mean that she doesn't care enough. She just does not need sex to be part of her relationship, and has no desire for it.

The OP now has to decide if the marriage can continue to work for him. If being in a loving and caring relationship with her, but fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere, can be enough.

If it cant, then he has the option to bring it to an end.

It's sad. But no one is to blame here.

CreadanLady · 03-05-2022 04:20PM

It is just a random thought but since the couple are married with children, did the OP share the burden of household duties fairly and evenly with the wife for the duration of the childrearing? These types of threads do come up from time to time and somthing that is often suggested is that he could try doing more around the house and helping with the children to take the burden off of the wife and it might aid things. But given what OP describes, it sounds like that might not be the issue here. But even all that aside, I find that to be a very reductive take on intimacy issues like this.

Apiarist · 03-05-2022 04:24PM

I agree with others in this thread, if your wife doesn't want sex and doesn't feel the need for it, then you should separate, hopefully on good terms. "Open marriage" is very unlikely to work.

The separation may be a good thing for both of you -- you'll find someone who is into the physical intimacy, and she may find someone who is more compatible with her needs (or be happier without a partner).

dotsman · 03-05-2022 04:32PM

As there are children in play, I wouldn't go down the separation route unless as a last resort. Open marriages can be messy as it can involve emotions etc. Not sure of your financial status, but if you can afford escorts, this would be an area that they specialise in. It keeps emotions out of it, and with you sexually satisfied/happy, you can hopefully find better common ground with your wife to salvage the relationship and forge a strong co-parent/friend/life-partner relationship.

vegandinner · 03-05-2022 04:36PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010417#Comment_119010417

Strange take. I fail to see how asking his wife if she was open to having the doctor taking a blood test can be considered coercive control or such like.

hormone imbalance is common and treatable, can’t see how that relates to a woman’s bodily autonomy. No libido is a symptom of a hormone imbalance, it should be checked by a doctor. It may not be that at all, but can’t see the harm in getting it checked.

she seems a very selfish woman, does she make any effort with the kids?

Loafing Oaf · 03-05-2022 04:37PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010481#Comment_119010481

If being in a loving and caring relationship with her, but fulfilling his sexual needs elsewhere, can be enough.

Highlighted bit isn't necessarily a piece of cake, unless we're talking a hookup with Palm and her five sisters.😆 How pursuing that option could end up is what his female partner thinks is a relationship but to him is just a sexual outlet. AndOP doesn't sound me like the kind of guy who would want to string a woman along like that. As he suggested FWB could be the answer, at least temporarily, but not easy to find a willing partner for that...

put_the_kettle_on · 03-05-2022 04:47PM

To the OP

I don't have much in the way of advice to offer but I do have experience of this and I thought I'd share.

My marriage started off pretty good in the bedroom. We were both enthusiastic ( if a little inept ) and never missed an opportunity for sex. That dipped a little once the offspring came along but the desire was still there even if the opportunity wasn't always.

However, ill health began to affect hubby's ability to maintain an erection sometimes. I thought it was no big deal, there were other roads to pleasure but it turned out to be a much bigger deal to Himself. I tried to talk about it, gently and with no pressure or criticism, just support and understanding. He refused to see the doctor. ( viagra was only on scrip in those days )

There was a gradual emotional withdrawal by Himself. He never was particularly tactile, unless it was leading to sex, so there were no more hugs or cuddles in bed. No kissing, apart from the driest and most perfunctory of pecks. No holding hands walking together. Just an eventual emotional dessication for both of us.

Over the years his health has worsened and I know that no amount of viagra would help now but in any case we are beyond that. It's been so long that neither of us are capable of viewing the other in a sexual light. I think that happens eventually.

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to ramble. I wanted to tell what it's like when you decide to stay 15 years down the line. For us, we are friends who rely on each other greatly. I still smile when he walks in from work, I still want to feed him like a king. He tells me often that I am his rock and he loves me to bits. In many ways our cogs fit together well. It's just sex where we miss a gear.

I don't mention sex anymore, and I think I made my peace with celibacy in my late 40s but honestly, it creates sadness and I think it's largely why I'm reliant on anti depressants. And cake.

You are young enough to find love and lust. Anyhoo, whatever you decide to do, I wish you well, friend. I wish you well x

CreadanLady · 03-05-2022 04:54PM

@vegandinner the woman claims to be asexual. She does not want nor need sexual contact to be happy. By what you are suggesting, hormone tests and so on, you are implying that she has some sort of disorder or condition that can be medicated or therapied away and all of a sudden she will have libido.

You are saying that this womans choices around her sex life or lack there of are something that can be fixed. She is not ill, and there is nothing wrong with her for being asexual. What you are suggesting is akin to advocating a sort of conversion therapy and in my opinion it is a very sexist stance to take on it.

The problem here is the OP. He is not fulfilled because he and his wife are not compatible. There is only one solution there. Break up and move on and get a relationship with someone new. But he must make himself aware and acknowledge, that a middle aged man with an ex wife and teenage children is going to be pretty far back in the queue on the dating scene. He has to acknowledge that now and accept it rather than going at it blind and realising a few months down the line that this isn't at all what he had imagined. And at that point he will have no family home or wife to go home to.

Personally, I wonder, is a bird in the hand worth 2 in the bush.

03-05-2022 05:00PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010567#Comment_119010567

I don't disagree. It's not an easy situation. And it may not be what he wants anyway.

vegandinner · 03-05-2022 05:07PM

While I agree that the OP should probably break up, I disagree that the symptoms of a medical condition should be ignored. Get the GP to rule it out and have peace of mind.

Maybe she doesn’t want to have sex with anyone ever again, that’s fine and her choice, but can’t see why you wouldn’t check to make sure with a GP

sex is an important and rewarding part of life and it would be a shame if she was missing out on it because of an undiagnosed condition.

CreadanLady · 03-05-2022 05:08PM

i think the common denominator in these threads where they come up is that the men often know, from ever before the marriage, that the then girlfriend was not too bothered about sex, but they all stuck their heads in the sand and flat out ignored these warning signs and went ahead and got married in the hope things would improve down the line.

When, in the history of human kind, did things improve after the occurance of a marriage?

These fellas ignored all the signs. The then girlfirends were saying very clearly to them, but not in words, that they did not want or need sexual intimacy. It was laid before them, in plain sight. But they ignored the obvious signs and went ahead anyway. It seems to be a very common thing.

And don't get me wrong, You see the same with women. Marrying fellas that are not right for them for whatever reason being drinking, womanising, gambling etc hoping that they will change after marriage. Invariably, it always ends in disappointment.

CreadanLady · 03-05-2022 05:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010717#Comment_119010717

She had children succesfully and both before and after, she had not much interest in intimacy. It is safe to say that her hormones and so on were working well as evidenced by having children, and she has also stated she is more or less asexual and is happy with that.

So stop trying to reduce the woman to a blackbox device where you input hormones and sex emerges as the output. Can you not see how objectifying that is to her when she has reputedly stated that she is asexual and does not want sex.

03-05-2022 05:14PM

Asexuality is not a medical condition.

CreadanLady · 03-05-2022 05:18PM

@[Deleted User] 100%. What VD is suggesting is uncomfortably close to getting into the realm of conversion therapy. It is offensive and demeaning.

vegandinner · 03-05-2022 05:37PM

Ok so the official boards advice is that it’s wrong to seek the opinion of a doctor, instead listen to the opinion of boards keyboard warriors. Also it’s got nothing to do with man vs woman, men equally can have hormone imbalances which are equally treatable. If it was the wife on here complaining about the lack of sex my advice would be the same, ask him to go to a doctor and rule out any possibility of an underlying condition.

Homelander · 03-05-2022 05:38PM

Sex and romance aren't mutually exclusive either, being asexual doesn't necessarily mean you have zero romantic interest.

This sounds a marriage that's sexless and without romance from the beginning, which to me is a far, far bigger red flag then just a dwindling or low sex drive. I dated a girl before with a low sex drive. If I didn't initiate it could be weeks before we'd be intimate. But that didn't bother me because I never once felt unappreciated or unloved as she did make a big effort with the affection and non-sexual intimacy.

It just sounds like your wife has no interest you whatsoever as a partner and it goes beyond sex life given you're saying she makes no effort on occasions either, which would be the part that most stood out to me, more so than just the sex aspect.

As always we can speculate all day but you need to to sit her down and ask the questions. You are as much to blame as she is given she was like this before marriage and you ignored the warning signs, and seem to continue to practice really poor communication.

Maybe she is genuinely asexual and aromantic, maybe she's gay, maybe she just never wanted to be with you but settled for reasons only she knows. We have no idea, and really you need to have a real, proper adult conversation - it genuinely astounds me the amount of people who go through this stuff with such poor communication.

I would have the conversation first but separation is probably the best idea and you should float it to her, gently and with good intention, absolutely not as a threat of any kind or coercion.

Ultimately if she has zero romantic or sexual interest in you, I see no reason why you can't consider separation and continue to remain on great terms, be a part of each others lives, and be great parents.

It is 100% normal to want some degree of a sex life and even more so, an intimate relationship specifically with your significant other. Having sex with random women or escorts will not heal what's wrong with your marriage if you want those things.

foxsake · 03-05-2022 05:46PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119008950#Comment_119008950

ireland operates a no fault divorce system - this post is alarmist

Op ,

get hookers or ramp up your tinder skills if you are staying .

Otherwise leave.

lets be honest - you've shot your shot and tried with her and her response is zero sex or fcuk somebody else.

You can do all that without her on your own terms - so why stay?

03-05-2022 05:48PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010858#Comment_119010858

The OP said that his wife refers to her "asexuality".

Asexuality is a sexual orientation.

Would you suggest to someone who told you their sexual orientation was homosexual that they should go to seek the opinion of a GP and get a hormone check, to see if it there was some "underlying condition" that could be treated to fix it?

Hopefully you can now see how your posting this way could be deemed offensive.

foxsake · 03-05-2022 05:52PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119009301#Comment_119009301

I'd suggest you don't know the separated/divorce dating/sex/relationship scene that well.

If you have any get up and go it's thriving once you put the work in.

Loafing Oaf · 03-05-2022 05:56PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010858#Comment_119010858

The issue is not whether this woman should seek the opinion of a doctor, it's whether her husband should be asking/urging/pressuring her to do that. And given that she apparently does not see her low to nonexistent libido as a problem, I don't think it's his place to do that. Seems to me he will just have to take her lack of interest in sex, or sex with him anyway, as a given and figure out how he deals with that.

vegandinner · 03-05-2022 06:01PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010901#Comment_119010901

That’s a false equivalence. You are just trying to be sensational.

CreadanLady · 03-05-2022 06:09PM

I'd advise the op to go to a family law solicitor and talk over the whole thing and strategise and then initiate the separation via the solicitor.

It is not a great idea to deal with separation in person or behind closed doors because if a dispute arises it'll be he said she said.

he needs to figure out his departure from the family home, which is protected by law, and make arrangements for the payment of maintenance to his wife and the children until the children are 18/23.

He should start looking into places to rent or buy and have a rental sorted for the impending exit, and arrange for all his important post to be sent to the new address. He will no longer have the right to enter the family home after separation.

I advise to have everything organised and all ducks in a row before announcing your departure, that way you will have somewhere to go if it is not well received.

03-05-2022 06:13PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119010949#Comment_119010949

It is not a false equivalance. Both homosexuality and asexuality are sexual orientations.

You've shown you know little to nothing about asexuality and clearly believe this woman has some condition that needs her to pop a pill, and then all will be grand.

Well, "hormone imbalances" don't usually last for 15 years.

vegandinner · 03-05-2022 06:19PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119011007#Comment_119011007

Absolutely false equivalence. There is no blood test to determine is someone is gay / straight / asexual / whatever. Are you suggesting that asexual people can’t get hormone imbalances?

I suggest you educate yourself: https://www.asexualityarchive.com/maybe-im-not-really-asexual-but-i-have-a-hormone-imbalance

maybe she is asexual maybe she has a hormone imbalance maybe both.

but once upon a time she told the op she loved him, and made babies with him, now she says she’s asexual. Maybe she is asexual, maybe she is lying to the OP as she no longer loves him but isn’t mature enough to admit the marriage is over.

Sex-starved marriage

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