Help a dude out?

Throwawayaccount123 · 26-03-2022 04:55PM #1

I thought I was way beyond ever coming here for advice but hey ho, here I am. I am going unreg hence the username

Long story short, my partner tested positive for covid last week, there was a party in my family we were meant to go to and she obviously couldn't go. Her daughter was meant to be there too but my family member was concerned about their presence too given the infection. I told my partner this over text and she texted, that she wasn't going to let the daughter go anyway. It was fine. I called her cos I felt really bad about her exclusion and she got shirty and smart with me on the phone. That annoyed me, I didn't react and call ended.

Text comes in soon after telling me that I have been closer to her in the past 48 hours than the child and to be careful. Which I was. This is a message, I did not reply to. because I was pissed with her.

Fast forward later that day, I text to ask if she has a shopping list for stuff. She's online, message not read. I follow up a few hours later with Hello? and same thing. I call a few times, same thing, no response.

I was meant to take her daughter to school that week on account of her isolating, I call to the house and no answer, call the phone and she eventually answers and tells me, no school today. I do the same Tuesday and she answers the door telling me she isn't going to school and she would have told me if she was. I say well you haven't been answering me, so how was I to know and I get....... "Just like you ignored me on Sunday"

I am literally gobsmacked at the petulance I've just witnessed.

Wednesday, Thursday text asking if she needs anything and call, online, not read, no answer.

Call Friday as I am away, No response. Voicemail left telling her I love her, no response

I am in my 40s here. We were actively starting to try for a child. We were madly in love right up until last Sunday and now I am not even worth the read.

I am not a stupid person. I know the score in life and the three options that are probably relevant here.

She is unhappy and using it as a way out without having the balls to cut the cord.
She is embarrassed with how she has behaved and doesn't know how to back down
She is genuinely acting like a petulant child (my least favourite)

It's super easy for anybody to say "walk away" and honestly, half of me is saying that but I am a part of her daughters life and don't want her thinking men come and go. I don't want her experiencing that. i love the girl as if she was my own. I also love my partner but I am seriously struggling with how she feels is acceptable in how she is currently treating me because frankly, I think it's completely unacceptable. And I suppose, I am looking for advice from ladies. What gives? What do I do here?

steinbock123 · 26-03-2022 05:12PM

What did she get “shirty and smart” about exactly??

gifted · 26-03-2022 05:13PM

Run for the hills......serious drama queen there I reckon.

Throwawayaccount123 · 26-03-2022 05:14PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118839031#Comment_118839031

Word for word

"This is how my brothers feels, is that okay?"

"Well I am hardly going to say its not now, am I?" in a fairly pissed off tone

YellowLead · 26-03-2022 07:14PM

She sounds a bit like a princess/drama queen. However - it’s odd if this behaviour is out of the blue? You say you were blissfully happy before this. So clearly you haven’t witnessed this petulance before. Maybe she’s under pressure with work, or it’s that time of the month!

Big Bag of Chips · 26-03-2022 07:20PM

OP, she had tested positve. You don't know how sick she was. Some people barely know they're sick, other are pretty miserable, sleeping etc. If this is unusual behaviour for her, I'd let it slide. We can all be a bit guilty of being a bit off when we're not feeling well.

I think I'd just give her a bit of space now. When she's out of isolation see how things are.

Sometimes people are a bit snappy or in bad form. It doesn't automatically mean you should end a relationship over it though. No relationship would ever go the distance if we all got dumped everytime we were a bit grumpy.

Housefree · 26-03-2022 07:25PM

By staying your just showing the daughter that she can treat men like dirt and some of the men with no self respect will still stay

bottlebrush · 26-03-2022 07:28PM

The way I see it is that you passed on a message from your family member and she's shooting the messenger with the silent treatment and now you're guessing which one of the 3 options you have listed is the reason why she has reacted like this.

How long have you been together and how have you both resolved conflicts in the past. Or has the relationship been sailing smoothly along up until now and this is the first time something 'contentious' (in her view) has arisen?

covidcustomer · 26-03-2022 08:28PM

She is unhappy and using it as a way out without having the balls to cut the cord.
She is embarrassed with how she has behaved and doesn't know how to back down
She is genuinely acting like a petulant child (my least favourite)
She was very hurt when your brother excluded her daughter from the party and you didn't say anything when you knew that you were in closer contact to your g/f than her daughter - which means that either your brother should have excluded you as well or you should have chosen to exclude yourself.

Not petulant, hurt.

Sadb · 26-03-2022 08:41PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118839918#Comment_118839918

This is exactly what I was going to type. This is the reason op, you say you love her daughter but yet you were ready to cut her at the drop of a hat.

votecounts · 26-03-2022 08:46PM

did you get tested yourself op?

airy fairy · 26-03-2022 08:49PM

Maybe you both need a bit of space and need to read up on recent guidelines on Covid. No such thing as close contacts unless symptomatic or highly vulnerable. The daughter shouldn't have been told to stay home.

Childish silence or bickering is just time wasting. Give her space over the weekend, and if she's still carrying on with a sulk, then let it be.

Time is too short for childish sulking.

Quantum Erasure · 26-03-2022 09:03PM

>That annoyed me, I didn't react and call ended.

>Text comes in soon after... I did not reply because I was pissed with her.

It takes two to tango

marilynrr · 27-03-2022 05:20AM

It's actually kind of worrying that you write a long post on here showing you have put a considerable amount of thought into this....where you then came up with 3 possible conclusions, all of which are placing all of the blame solely on her and can't see how you might have contributed to this at all.

She sounded upset and hurt that her daughter was uninvited even though you weren't. You picked up on that on the phone call and said you didn't react...you said "This is how my brothers feels, is that okay?"

She responded "Well I am hardly going to say its not now, am I?" .

You didn't react and then the call ended.

You also ignored her text after that.

I hate silent treatment so I can understand that you're upset but you really show a real lack of self awareness and so I would bet her side of the story is different than yours.

listermint · 27-03-2022 06:44AM

Ate you living together?

Splish Splash · 27-03-2022 07:40AM

I'm wondering why you thought it was ok to tell your girlfriend her daughter was uninvited knowing full well that a) you were a closer contact and b) there's no requirement to isolate as a close contact unless you're symptomatic.

I agree with covidcustomer. You hurt her feelings and were tone deaf about it.

Katgurl · 27-03-2022 09:35AM

She was sick, possibly very sick. Her daughter was (somewhat unnecessarily) left out. You weren't despite being a potentially greater risk. You told her over text message which is a bad way to communicate. You then ignored her first.

But mainly - she was sick. We are often tw@ts when sick.

Let it go.

Princess Calla · 27-03-2022 10:34AM

I'm going to go a little against the majority here.

Firstly if I had covid I would not be sending my child to a party (especially what appears to be a more adult party). There would be no need for a discussion.

Secondly it's the brothers party and he gets to decide who goes and who doesn't. He was obviously willing to accept the risk of his adult brother who knows how to keep a safe distance. Generally children don't do personal space and if there's other kids there they'll be mixing freely. The virus could easily be passed on to another child and the whole house is infected. So the brother made a decision on the saying no to the child.

Now there could be background issues at play that the child isn't "family blood" which might be the real reason the girlfriend is being so twitchy over the issue....whether that's the case or whether that's her perception of the case.

I'd be really annoyed if I went to someone's house to in this case bring their child to school to be told you're not needed. Then for it to happen a second time. I'd be very reluctant to put myself out for a third time.

To me it's a very over the top reaction to a child not going to a party.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-03-2022 11:22AM

What are you looking for, OP? You and your gf had a bit of a tiff while she was sick and isolating. Partners have tiffs. People in relationships sometimes get a bit pissy with each other, and then move on. You ask what do I do here? What do you want to do? What do you think you should do?

The fact that you're isolating from each other and unable to speak face to face has dragged a non-issue out a lot longer than it needed to be. I'd say wait until she's not isolating anymore and then see how things are. It would have been a testing week, for both of you.

AyeGer · 27-03-2022 11:32AM

.

laoisgem · 27-03-2022 12:42PM

I'm more bemused by the fact that ye are trying for a baby while not even living together 🤨

Augme · 27-03-2022 12:45PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118841824#Comment_118841824

The partner showed signs of extremely controlling behaviour. Far more then just a tiff tbh.

It's absolutely right for the OP to have serious question marks about this. Is this controlling behaviour going to keep appearing.

cuttingtimber22 · 27-03-2022 12:52PM

Giver her space. Give yourself space. Tell her you are ready to chat when she is and don’t do anything rash or make definitive decisions.

Throwawayaccount123 · 27-03-2022 02:13PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118839648#Comment_118839648

We've been together coming on two years. We've had spats in the past but I've never received any degree of coldness like this from her. It's not in character.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118839918#Comment_118839918

and I completely understand. I took necessary precautions to ensure that my presence was in no way a risk by which. I sat in the back garden or the front garden for the majority of the day and kept distance from any vulnerable people. A ten year old can hardly be expected to employ the same philosophy and if they were, it would merely alienate them or make them feel alienated.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118839981#Comment_118839981

Thanks but I didn't drop her child. It's not my house. It's not my call. I didn't like the call but there was zero that I could've done about it. That's a really unfair thing to say.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118840004#Comment_118840004

I tested that day and was negative. I am also a very recent recovery.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118841266#Comment_118841266

No but in close proximity

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118841297#Comment_118841297

And I've responded to covidcustomer. I would remind you, the party was not at my house nor was it my call.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118841824#Comment_118841824

Advice. I am a fixer. I fix things. I don't do silence or drama or anything like it. She is now out of isolation yet still nothing. No response. It's clear that me intimating contact is pointless as it's not even falling on deaf ears as the calls aren't answered and the texts not read. I am a bit of a low point and seeking guidance on what to do. I could easily forget about it and move on but there's obvious emotions at play here in that I love them both dearly.

airy fairy · 27-03-2022 02:33PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118842423#Comment_118842423

Tbh, do you really want to be caught up in this kind of childish carry on?

I understand you're at a low point, but this kind of atmosphere isn't doing you any good. Have a chat with yourself and try figure out if this is the kind of relationship you want going forward.

Princess Calla · 27-03-2022 02:47PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118842423#Comment_118842423

Look we all get our "knickers in a twist" and can sulk but I think once it goes past a 24/48 hr window it's turning into passive aggressive emotional abuse.

All that was asked was a child not to attend a party with vulnerable people....that to me is not a big ask. Certainly doesn't warrant being sent to Siberia over.

You've been together 2 years have you witnessed this before with yourself or others in her circle?

If this is a once off I'd give her the benefit of the doubt but if this is how she deals with not getting her way I wouldn't be sticking around.

I know it's tough but the fear is if you do have a child together the child might be used as a pawn for her to always get her way.

What's the relationship like between the child's father? Why did they split?

Obviously I'm not looking for actual answers just something to think about.

My advice is put the baby making on hold until you figure this all out and make it clear that silent treatments don't work.

For the here and now don't contact her again let her come to you ..it's all a power play.

27-03-2022 03:17PM

I told my partner this over text and she texted, that she wasn't going to let the daughter go anyway. It was fine. I called her cos I felt really bad about her exclusion and she got shirty and smart with me on the phone. That annoyed me, I didn't react and call ended.

Text comes in soon after telling me that I have been closer to her in the past 48 hours than the child and to be careful. Which I was. This is a message, I did not reply to. because I was pissed with her.

It wasn't fine. She is pissed off and hurt that you accepted your family excluding her daughter from the party without fuss. It underlines in her mind that her daughter is not considered a part of your family. They excluded her daughter, but not you - even though you were a bigger risk - and you let them. Then you ignored / didn't respond to her message when she pointed that out to you.

Single parents are usually very sensitive to when their children are being treated differently. She is probably now reconsidering whether you and she should have a child together / you as a potential stepfather, given that you allowed your family treat her daughter this way. She is probably thinking if you had a child together your family would treat that child differently to her firstborn.

Everything that came after that, is a case of her showing you "we're a package deal, and we don't need you".

Further communication is needed.

Big Bag of Chips · 27-03-2022 03:31PM

In the bit highlighted above by Loueze, I have to say OP, it looks like you started this. Your gf replied to your message about her daughter saying it was fine. She wasn't going to send her to the party anyway. You then rang saying this is how my brother feels, is that OK. To which she replied she was hardly likely to say it wasn't OK. Again, I'm not really seeing where she has done anything wrong yet.

You then ended the call. She texted you later advising that you've been in close contact with her and to be careful at the party, you ignored it "because I was pissed" (I'm still not seeing what she has done wrong yet).

It seems to me you were looking to start a row, and you did. While your gf was sick, isolating and looking after a primary school aged child.

Then in your scenarios as to what actually happened, it seems to be 100% her fault in your eyes. It's not. It's a mountain out of a molehill situation exacerbated by the fact you were unable to speak to each other.

I don't see anyone being controlling. Just two people getting a bit pissy with each other. Hardly relationship ending stuff.

listermint · 27-03-2022 03:50PM

OP. You are not living together.

Will you knock this trying for a child stuff on the head. This seems like an utterly immature relationship at this age. Tbh.

MyPHDJourney · 27-03-2022 03:50PM

Women are very sensitive when it comes to their children and will see absolutely no reason at all that makes sense. It is worse with single mothers unfortunately.

OP, I am fairly sure that her grievance is that she feels her child was alienated and will not understand that a 10year old has no boundaries at a party and cannot be expected to stay within the confines. All of her anger towards you is merely shooting the messenger who brought the news that her child is not invited.

Unfortunately, if you are going to stay with her, you will have to accept the fact that she will never see reason when it comes to her child and you must be prepared to accept that. In all, communication is important and if she is not willing to communicate, there is no reason why you should still be trying. Have some dignity, man!

marilynrr · 27-03-2022 06:00PM

"Advice. I am a fixer. I fix things. I don't do silence or drama or anything like it. She is now out of isolation yet still nothing. No response. It's clear that me intimating contact is pointless as it's not even falling on deaf ears as the calls aren't answered and the texts not read. "

To fix things then you need to understand that her point of view might be different than yours, not that the only possible scenario is that she's in the wrong.

Also you've mentioned asking did she need anything, offering to take the child to school, saying you love her etc...but have you actually addressed the issue to fix it??

Help a dude out?

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