My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

YellowLead · 16-12-2021 09:36AM

I hope the ‘why’ you are trying to figure out is why you stayed with him for so long, and not why he behaves as he does. Because if it’s the latter you will drive yourself crazy never getting to the bottom of it, and it’s irrelevant as Jequ0n said.

Try writing it all down in a diary, all the frustrations you have with him and hopefully it will help you see it clearly enough to leave him.

Imagine being with somebody who have a mutually respectful relationship with you where you feel loved and desired. Nice right? Well you’ll never have that staying with this current man.

loveall · 16-12-2021 11:09AM

Misogynist.....

The word keeps coming to mind.

CrookedJack · 16-12-2021 11:40AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118318208#Comment_118318208

This was my first thought too - a lot of the symptoms of porn addiction.

On another note OP seems like a woman aware and confident in her own sexuality, able to be an active partner and to ask for what she wants. This is more rare than would would think and for most men a very attractive quality. If it is being wasted on an undeserving man right now, rest assured there are plenty out there who will welcome and reciprocate.

redlipgloss · 17-12-2021 12:25AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118329959#Comment_118329959

Well my confidence is on the floor these days. Especially when he’s looking at a certain type of woman online and I’m stressing wondering why and why doesn’t he want me.

But tbh, I wasn’t exactly flooded with eligible men at my feet. I had a string of bad dating experiences before committing to him. Dating has been nothing but negative for me.

The big thing for me is what would a man have to gain by keeping a woman in a relationship that’s he doesn’t love or wants to have sex with her so why !

I am re reading posts here. Great advice. And yes I’m taking it all on board. Now I’m just trying to get my head around it all.

TheadoreT · 17-12-2021 08:06AM

You're taking nothing in tbh. Your "big thing" is still wrapped around crippling insecurities. It's nothing about what you may want or expect.

Much like the relationship, you need to take a step back from posting, it's getting you nowhere. And go seek professional help, clearly nobody here can even begin to get through to you.

CrookedJack · 17-12-2021 01:54PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118334373#Comment_118334373

What you need to realize is that this is not a problem with you, it's a problem with him. You are speaking as if,"if only i was more attractive he would be less selfish in bed", but that really isn't the case. Selfish people are selfish. His liking other women on Instagram is no indication he'd be a better lover to them - liking takes zero effort, which is his current lovemaking style anyway.

I think there are two issues here - His selfishness in bed and separately your self-esteem. I think you are letting the latter cloud the former. I think really you should let him go as the sexual compatibility will never be there, and then on a personal level explore speaking to someone to help you rebuild your self-image. I have started counseling myself for similar issues and I know how damaging they can be. feel free to reach out if you have any questions about it.

Also beware the sunk-cost fallacy, just because you've invested a lot of time and effort into your relationship does not mean it's a good idea to keep trying to make it work.

Mad_maxx · 17-12-2021 09:39PM

he should have broke it off long ago but so should you , you know its not working so what are you waiting for , he may be a pr1ck but he isnt responsible for you having low self esteem long term so you will have to act decisively

dump his ass and good luck

riclad · 19-12-2021 07:09AM

Some men are simply bad lovers, selfish, lazy, there a cliche why buy the cow, I get the milk for free, he's unlikely to change you sound like a smart woman who is not sure what to do

is he nice to you outside the bedroom do you go out for meals or other activitys do, es he listen to you get you presents is he kind in other ways outside the bedroom

You'd be better off single than in a bad relationship as you are simply wasting time yes in a pandemic dating or meeting anyone is difficult it's not easy to chat up someone while wearing a mask I think some people are using zoom or talking online before the meet someone for a real life date

I'd be Very suspicious of a man who is looking at other women on Instagram if he's supposed to be in love with his girlfriend you have to think about this eg should you break up as he's probably happy enough to continue this relationship I think he's simply a lazy selfish man he may have a problem with watching too much porn or spending too much time in social media or he is simply not in love with you and is not likely to change his behavior in the future

I don't think there is a mysterious subtle solution to be found here that will turn him into a good bf or a good lover

redlipgloss · 19-12-2021 09:59AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118345506#Comment_118345506

Hi Riclad,

Thanks for your post. Simply put, I’m just a woman who is unsure of what to do.

He never plans anything. He has booked one or two things the whole time I’ve been with him. We’ve taken turns paying for food which is ok but he’s never even bought me a bunch of flowers or a surprise. I have bought or made him this and that over the last year. He can say insensitive things sometimes, has insulted me indirectly. Very secretive with his phone. I feel I’m kept on the outside and not included with family/friend life.

Ive done nothing to deserve this. I’ve been a good girlfriend and a decent person.

vicwatson · 19-12-2021 10:03AM

Just walk

JoChervil · 19-12-2021 03:23PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118345647#Comment_118345647

You've done, you accepted it. People treat others as they are allowed to do.

elf1225 · 19-12-2021 05:18PM

OP. I am the same age as you and the exact same thing is happening to me. I could have written it. I am about to break up with him and move out. My self esteem is on the floor. I won’t bother going into details here. >>Mod Snip<< What we’ve gone through is not common and frankly one of the most scarring experiences I’ve had. >>Mod Snip<<

__________

Mod Note

@elf1225 I've removed parts of your post that are completely against the Charter here.

OP if anyone PMs you on foot of your thread here, please let myself or any other of the PI Mods know.

HS

riclad · 20-12-2021 04:57PM

Heres a link that's relevant,

https://www.bustle.com/articles/95227-how-to-deal-with-someone-whos-selfish-in-bed-and-what-it-means-for-your

He's a selfish lazy boyfriend who is not listening to you he is not trying to get better this is a common problem i would be concerned if he is not allowing you to look at his phone or holding onto to it at all times he may be texting or dm, ing other women on social media while pretending to be single he maybe be using or looking at certain websites that are not appropriate for someone who has a girlfriend it just sounds as if you would be better off breaking up with him than to continue to be in a mediocre relationship that's bad for your self esteem

Time is limited at least if you are single you have the chance to meet someone who is kind considerate thoughtful and at least ready to try to take the time to take care of their partners needs it sounds as if this relationship is one sided he gets alot more out it than you do and he is not exactly the romantic type of person and he takes you for granted as a partner

There's an obvious reason he may not want you to see his phone

it sounds like he's not in love with you but needs a gf to hang out with . As mentioned in the article there's some men who are selfish lovers and simply pay no attention to the needs of their partners I think a good bf will buy their girlfriend small gifts now and again and flowers at least 3 times a year valentines day birthdays etc it seems he does not make any type romantic gestures towards you that should be a Red flag hes not in love

he s just a bad boyfriend it's close to Xmas you may not want to break up at this time and be left alone it's understandable

If my gf wants to look at my phone any time I give it to her I don't care I don't use social media I have nothing to hide except my addiction to looking at 2 hour YouTube podcasts about pc gaming which she would find boring and juvenile I'd be concerned about why is he being secretive with his phone is he maybe texting or using apps to contact other women?

Zak Flaps · 21-12-2021 04:08AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118345647#Comment_118345647

This thread has been going on over a week. You've had lots of advice, most saying the same thing.....dump him. What exactly are you waiting for? What is there to get your head around?

Tork · 21-12-2021 02:29PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118354728#Comment_118354728

It's hard for somebody emotionally invested in a relationship to come to terms with being single again. This fella might be a crap boyfriend (yes OP, you need to dump him) but I get the impression she still thinks he can somehow become the partner she would like him to be. Then there are all the trappings that come along with being in a couple. It's hard to say goodbye to all of those and go back to being on one's own again.

JPup · 21-12-2021 02:48PM

Probably also the time of year as well. Understandably people are reluctant to break up immediately before Christmas. I could see there being a serious new year's day conversation round their place though!

Mad_maxx · 21-12-2021 03:58PM

this is one of those tests in life we face now and again , end it

trish65 · 21-12-2021 05:19PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058222472/my-bf-doesn-t-want-to-have-sex-with-me

Hey gorgeous I’m sorry you have to deal with such a jerk; Don’t shoot yourself down most of the girls photos he is thirsty for don’t even look like that in real. Remember you are beautiful and you deserve someone who loves and desires you. Leave his ass you will be fine within a month it’s only few months relationship.

redlipgloss2 · 06-03-2022 04:59PM

Hi everyone,

Posted here before about an ongoing lack of sex/lack of desire issue with my BF. We are together a while and since December, our relationship had improved and we were getting on well. Until this week. Long story short, he was showing me something on his phone and a dating app notification came up in full view. To say I was shell shocked and left feeling hurt/confused was an understatement as before this popped up, we were in a great place. He only decided to explain himself hours after it happened and only because I brought it up. You name it, he downplayed it and maintained he doesn't use it. I do feel if I hadn’t brought it up, he would never have addressed it. He protested his innocence. I don’t believe him.

advice?

Big Bag of Chips · 06-03-2022 05:36PM

Threads merged

YellowLead · 06-03-2022 06:45PM

There’s only one reason for him to have a dating app profile set up - to chat to other women. Regardless of whether he’s actively dating - he’s certainly looking. It sounds like he wants to line somebody else up first before ending things with you - some guys are like that.

I really don’t know why you are clinging on to this man - grab some dignity and dump him!!!

redlipgloss2 · 06-03-2022 07:30PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118741728#Comment_118741728

Thanks for your reply.

Ive been reading over my thread and I’m just kicking myself tbh. We might as well be back in December. Nothing has changed.

From my POV, we talked back then, things seemed better and we were, or so I thought, in a good place and I trusted him.

Now, I can’t believe his explanations or any word, including how he feels about me, that comes out of his mouth.

I feel so hurt.

Jequ0n · 06-03-2022 10:03PM

Sorry OP. You are fulfilling a need for him, though none of us can tell you what it is that he gains from this relationship. He has been testing boundaries to see what he can and will get away with, and so far this has worked for him.

He will probably briefly change tactic and be the boyfriend you want him to be once you announce that you are leaving, but it won’t change anything in the long run. The longer you accept behaviour that harms your self esteem the more damage you will take. Oh, and he will dump you eventually once he has a new host.

He has shown you who he is, so you need to decide how much longer you want to do this to yourself.

06-03-2022 11:07PM

My tuppence worth, OP, is to keep friendly with guys on the dating app you’re familiar with, you might just happen to match with somebody who is very nice, then you can dump the “dumpworthy” when the time is right and you could regain the confidence that is due to you. But I know you would be the type who doesn’t want to raise false hopes or hurt anyone new either. Keep conversations with guys on the site light-hearted and casual, maybe ask them about the dates they might have had, good or bad. Eg I had a friendly chat with a guy about how a storm ruined travel plans for my date, and same thing happened him. We have a nice casual online friendship, no harm in that whilst cultivating potential relationships.

redlipgloss2 · 06-03-2022 11:23PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118743180#Comment_118743180

With all due respect, I’m talking about my relationship with my boyfriend.

A relationship we both agreed was serious and committed.

I haven’t used a dating app since we agreed to be in a relationship and both agreed to delete our apps and accounts to be with eachother.

Not sure why you’re talking about my usage of apps as it’s irrelevant? Perhaps I’m misinterpreting what you’re saying?

redlipgloss2 · 06-03-2022 11:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118742829#Comment_118742829

Im not sure what the need is either. He still hasn’t told me he loves me. I can’t believe the fact if I hadn’t seen it or took a few more seconds before I looked up to see what he was showing me or if I had been too occupied at the time, I’d be completely oblivious that he was still on an dating app. But now I can’t unsee it.

I feel like a fool, used, betrayed. You name it.

Jequ0n · 06-03-2022 11:47PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118743280#Comment_118743280

What difference does he make if he told you he loved you? At least he isn’t pretending by telling you what you want to hear.

I can guarantee you that you’d be hearing everything you want if he wanted to make this work, but he still doesn’t seem to be bothered.

I can understand the side of the pretending liar very well, and there is nothing in your descriptions that indicates he cares.

The real question is why you are still there and what you want to do. Do you know? You can’t change the past but you can make a decision going forward so maybe don’t be so hard on yourself.

Hannibal_Smith · 07-03-2022 08:20AM

Im completely alone in the relationship. I’ve no idea how he feels about me. I’ll talk to him, he’ll reassure me and protest that he does feel this and that way but afterwards, he goes back to the same behaviour.

This is what you said earlier on in the thread. Almost 4 months later you're feeling exactly the same way. This is a relationship that's only a year old.

You're relying on his reactions and behaviour as a base for your decisions. If he says what you want to hear you’ll stick with it all the while time is ticking towards the next blow up. He'll keep repeating the same pattern. You'll keep tolerating it. He hasn't changed and for as long as the relationship continues the cycle will repeat itself. If this is what it's like now and you stick with it, what will it be like 5 or 10 years down the road?

TheTempest · 07-03-2022 08:36AM

Just read through the whole thread.

You need to end this relationship immediately. The longer it drags on, the worse its affecting you.

There's nothing to get your head around. You deserve better. Leave him.

Tork · 07-03-2022 09:11AM

OP you sound like someone saying "my leg is hanging off, do you think I need to see a doctor?"

I'm not sure what it is you're looking for from this thread. Everyone is telling you to leave this fella but for reasons we can't help you with, you refuse to entertain the thought. Why?

My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

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