Wants out of the marriage, how do you do it?

Lgt · 02-03-2022 08:05PM #1

How do you tell your wife you are unhappy with the relationship and want to leave. We have three kids the youngest being just under 4, I just not happy anymore, I am not attracted to her and I can no longer stay with her because of the kids.

02-03-2022 08:07PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058235597/wants-out-of-the-marriage-how-do-you-do-it

How does she feel about the marriage?

Lgt · 02-03-2022 08:20PM

She is buried her head in the sand, she said she loves me and doesn’t want to break up, wants to go to counselling. I don’t think counselling will work as for me the marriage is over a long time ago. I should have left 5 years ago. She just get on my nerves, I look at her and only feel trap and anger towards her

02-03-2022 08:21PM

Jesus....you're in a real bind there.....

A. DON'T do anything rash.

B. COMMUNICATION!!!! a straight sit-down once kids are in bed....... a straight sit-down with all the cards on the table......dont go in all guns blazing....starting off with "I'm not happy anymore & haven't been for a while"...... maybe the feeling is mutual.

C. If there's owt there.....& after X years of marriage & 3children there 'must' be a lot of common ground..... a marrige IS WORTH fighting for.

---------------------------------------

These last couple of years ( covid, WFH etc) threw an awful lot of spanners into the machinery....... perhaps counselling is an avenue??.

Obviously, I'm taking it for granted there's no "third" party involvement.

REFLECT DEEPLY , take stock & again....DONT do anything rash

Lgt · 02-03-2022 08:29PM

I had sit down with her but she is begging me to reconsider, I think she is afraid to be alone this is why she doesn’t want to break up. Our relation hasn’t be great for ages, she is always tired, never initiate sex. We are living under the same roof but being estranged to each other. There isn’t barely any conversation between us except if it is about the kids. To be honest, if she talks about something else, I don’t listen to her as I don’t care about her anymore.

laoisgem · 02-03-2022 08:43PM

Have you thought about who's going to have custody of the kids? Who's going to move out of the marital home? Maintenance arrangements? All this will have to be discussed.

Lgt · 02-03-2022 08:43PM

What I am afraid if she is going to turn the kids against me, the others 2 are 8 and 14. Anyone has been in my situation and could give me pointers. Thanks

02-03-2022 08:53PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722113#Comment_118722113

Reading that last line there it seems as if you've already made up your mind.... when was last time ye did something together???.... like lunch or a movie???? If the answer predates covid...... maybe looking at the 'exit' strategy IS in both your interests.....but more importantly, it may be in the young uns' best interests

Lgt · 02-03-2022 08:53PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722194#Comment_118722194

We will have shared custody of the kids but she will be the primary career, I will pay maintenance for the kids not for her as she is working full time. I will be moving out of the marital home, I can afford to buy a new home if she buy my share of the family home. I am planning to have the kids stay with me every second weekend and an evening during the week. Now it is to get the courage to move out, her mental health is not great, I just don’t love her anymore

02-03-2022 09:05PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722195#Comment_118722195

IF you decide to part.......& it's an acrimonious parting of the ways.....& IF your wife is minded to go down the 'parental alienation' route.....well, the outlook there is very bleak.....& I mean VERY bleak......i won't/ can't sugar coat that dilema for you....... your kids are at the ideal/ ripe age for alienation.... once that evil poison takes root you've 'lost' them...there ain't no antidote...but don't look at the 'what ifs'....... you & your wife are adults....if there's to be a parting of the ways I hope he can be mature & decent enough to put the kids FIRST SECOND AND THIRD

Lgt · 02-03-2022 09:05PM

Another issue is how do I tell my parents and siblings about it. My family loves her but I just can’t stand to be with her anymore, I want to be happy and don’t see myself to be with her anymore for the sake of the children I am in my mid 40 and wants to be with someone else that I would love instead of being stuck with someone I despise.

Caranica · 02-03-2022 09:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

Is there someone else? Someone you have your eye on? This post sounds like you might.

Your family will accept it. You're hardly the first guy to end a marriage. Once they can see the kids that will be the main thing.

Slutmonkey57b · 02-03-2022 09:12PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

You are worried about her "alienating" the kids from you, yet every post you mention that you despise her, personally. If you don't want to be alienated from your kids, you are starting from absolutely the wrong position.

What has she done to make you despise her? Cheated? Lied? Gambled? Spent all the money? If none of the above, then your kids are going to want to know why you're splitting up. What are YOU going to tell them? Because they will absolutely pick up on your disdain for your wife, and they will absolutely see that she did nothing wrong and they will absolutely blame you.

So if you want to avoid that, I would start off by addressing one thing: You not being in love with your wife anymore is *not her fault*. It's your problem to deal with and that's how you have to approach it. It appears you hate her because you want to blame her for your problem, not because she's done something to you. You'll have to ditch that baggage if you want to keep a good relationship with your kids.

Salient Verb · 02-03-2022 09:17PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

Wow. Thats some very strong wording you use. Please leave this poor woman so she can get on with her life and not be despised and you can be an every second weekend dad. She works full time, has 3 kids including a 4 year old and a husband who wants her to initiate sex, so life can hardly get much worse for her, can it?

I suppose its insensitive to ask why you chose to have 3 children with a woman you despise, or has something happened since the last child was born 4 years ago which has made you despise her?

I can't comment on whether she will "turn the kids against you " or not - you could always apply for main custody yourself of course to take more of an pro-active role if you are worried about this. Equally, if your children are at all aware that you despise their mother, then they might turn against you anyway.

02-03-2022 09:19PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

I hate to say this and HOPE I'M WRONG but methinks you've already called 'full time' on your marrige & there's a bit of 'far away hills= much greener" . I was thinking you've hit the 'mid life' crisis alarm or that you've an 'eye' for another but then you use the word "despise"...... a marrige IS well & truly on the 'home straight" if that's a word you'd use about your other half

FintanMcluskey · 02-03-2022 09:21PM

Not been in your situation but many marriages are like this.

Romance and attraction are fleeting, certaintly with kids.

When a couple are romancing, the worries are few and the sex is one of the primary concerns.

When a woman has kids, her primary concern is those children, not sex. And it's an exhausting job. It's not a choice a woman makes, it's an indoctrinated mechanism for the survival of the species.

There isn’t barely any conversation between us except if it is about the kids. To be honest, if she talks about something else, I don’t listen to her as I don’t care about her anymore.

Sounds like shes in and your out.

My advice it's always worth it shot at mediation, but best of luck regardless

02-03-2022 09:21PM

Telling mommy & daddy that there may be a divorce in the offing is the LEAST of your problems right now

Goodigal · 02-03-2022 09:22PM

From how you have described your feelings towards her over the last few posts, you're totally done with her. But in her best interests, it might be worth going to counselling to finish things, discuss things with a third party but in order to help her start to see the future without you in it. Don't get into games over access to children etc, but find some guidance on how to split amicably but also without giving her any hope that you'll be back.

Both families will get used to the idea once you start to tell them, but there's always going to be a bad guy portrayed if you don't do this right. It is ok to say we're not in love anymore if both people feel the same. It's not that way here.

And yes, it sounds to me like you already have someone in mind too.

_Brian · 02-03-2022 09:31PM

It seems from your language and attitude that you nearly have distain for your wife. Kids arent stupid, they will add this to the fact that you dstroyed their family, yes thats how they will see it as your the one breaking it up, and at least in the short term resent you for it and hold you responsible..

Lgt · 02-03-2022 09:55PM

You are correct I am totally done with her. If I am being honest, I should have left 5 years ago but I was afraid she will go back to her home country with the kids so I stay, I thought it will get better but it did not and my feeling towards her are now non existent and I can’t stand it anymore and wants out, I can’t pretend anymore, she deserves someone that truly loves her and it is not me but she cannot see it, she doesn’t understand that I don’t love her she thinks it is a mid life crisis and we will get through it. She isn’t anymore the person that I fall in love with. @FintanMcluskey you are correct, the kids are her priority, she is a good mother, she is doing everything for them and put them first, this is the reason why I will not fight for custody of the kids as I don’t think she will cope. She is under a lot of stress with work at the moment which has affected her mental health, she used to be very funny, and now she is just grumpy

NiceFella · 02-03-2022 10:02PM

OP,

Take some reponsibility for having a family with a person you now "despise". You made your bed as it were. What exactly has she done to make you feel this way?

Weather you believe counselling will work or not, I think you owe that much to a person you had 3 children with to at least try it. You can lay your feelings out on the table with total honesty and come to an informed conclusion on both sides and do what's best for your children.

02-03-2022 10:02PM

Show her this thread, maybe? That should do the trick.

02-03-2022 10:39PM

Sounds like you have thought through some bits in great detail, but others hardly at all. If you've got money available to be planning on moving out, I guess you can afford two weeks in an Airbnb right now to get your head straight. Wanting space to think after all the lockdowns makes perfect sense.

If you want a good relationship with your kids after splitting up, you will need to start respecting their mother and appreciating the effort she puts in. "Despise" is way too harsh a word for someone you can't avoid speaking to for many years into the future, and you haven't really answered the other replies asking why you despise her.

There's a family mediation scheme where you can get free help to talk through the details of a separation, think you should contact them. They will respect your decision to end the relationship.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/

Lgt · 02-03-2022 11:04PM

Maybe despise is a bit harsh, I am just not attracted to her anymore, I don’t fancy her, she has put a lot of weight on since having kids, she is plain in comparison to my work colleagues wife’s/partners (they all dresses to the 9) in fact I am ashamed of her appearance as she rarely make an effort, she will happily live all the time in leggings and trainers and if she wore heels she is complaining that her feet hurt, she isn’t bother with makeuu either. She used to be very funny but now she is just boring, she is under a lot of stress at work for the past 10 years and now I can’t bear hearing about her problem, I don’t offload my issue to her when I have problem at work, I told her that work should stay at work she doesn’t need to bring the issue home. She is not the woman I used to love, she is now short tempered and complain all the time that I don’t help around the house. I am just fed up with her nagging.

02-03-2022 11:06PM

Welcome back, Green Finers. "New" to boards and with a locked profile already. Funny that.

Lgt · 02-03-2022 11:07PM

I know It sound shallow but it is how I feel about her. I just don’t love her. Any one has ever experienced it and did you leave or stay?

Hannibal_Smith · 02-03-2022 11:10PM

You've told her you want to separate. You've reached the end of your relationship. What else is there to do but make your next move and leave?

I don't see the benefit here of listing the issues you have with her. The advice you are looking for is how to leave. You've already started down the road by telling your wife so continue you with that.

Lgt · 02-03-2022 11:20PM

You are right, I will leave her, I just would love to have input of someone who has been in this situation and how it turns out to them.

Lgt · 02-03-2022 11:27PM

not a troll account, it is hard to take the decision to leave your wife when you have kids but I don’t love her anymore and I know I sound harsh and shallow. I was hoping to hear from someone who has been in this situation and to tell me that separation was the best from them and their spouse. I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t be with her, I don’t love her, and I think it is in the best interest of the children if we separate, hard to explain how I feel but in her eyes she doesn’t see it that way.

Lgt · 02-03-2022 11:37PM

Hopefully you will not be in my situation, I just want what is the best for my family, I tried to be honest in regard to my feelings to my wife. I have taking the decision to separate and will move out by the weekend, like I said I just wanted to hear from someone who has been in the same boat, to get advise about how to deal with it in regard to the children as my marriage is truly over. By putting it in writing, I got confirmation that the separation is what is the best for me and the children.Thank you very much for the input.

Hannibal_Smith · 02-03-2022 11:39PM

Mod Note

Folks, I've deleted the last few posts. With Mod tools as they are, it makes things a little slower in the background. In the meantime, please bear in mind the Charter:-

If you have any issues with a post or a thread do not post "I think this is a troll" as it will be considered off topic posting. Report the post. It could be well that a thread that started out as an attempt to troll could well help people out there struggling with a similar issues and the thread maybe helpful to them now or if they search boards.

Thanks

HS

Wants out of the marriage, how do you do it?

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