Wants out of the marriage, how do you do it?

"When a woman has kids, her primary concern is those children, not sex. And it's an exhausting job. It's not a choice a woman makes, it's an indoctrinated mechanism for the survival of the species."

This is just an embrace of mystical "otherness" to justify women neglecting the guy once they have what they want/kids/emotional fulfilment. Instead of women who do this being portrayed as selfish women, they are portrayed as selfless mothers. Bizarre. It denudes women of rationality. The women who do this make choices.

If they choose to act as if the guy doesn't exist other than as a coparent/funder of the family home after children are born, then that is their choice not some stupid mystical child-rearing instinct. It could far more strongly be argued that the rational thing is to keep the guy on board by giving him the love/affection/intimacy you promised upon marriage and then the children are raised in a loving, secure home. But then that might require less selfishness on the part of the women in question who have just ticked the motherhood lifegoal and don't care about anything else (except portraying themselves as the victim, of course).

Having said all this, the OP here seems to be the one who wants to end the marriage so he needs to do that asap. Far, far, far too much anger on his part, and far too dismissive of her offering of counselling. Marriage breakdown is a colossal event that shouldn't be engaged in without trying every available alternative. I suggest the OP starts looking at himself for his part in the problem, because that's the only part he can change. If he brings his same issue into his next relationship, expect a similar ending. But it's very hard work (if ultimately enormously rewarding) sorting ourselves out so most people just go from relationship to relationship repeating the same problems. That's weak, a cop-out.

Liberty_Bear

I suppose there are three things at stake here

-Your wife and her mental health

-The future of your kids

-Where you will be post break up

Can you manouvre everyone into a scenario where you still see the children, your wife can get help that she might need and you have your own space to reflect on things? Thats the pramgatic side of it.

Heart goes out to you mate, when the love has gone its going through the motions isnt it. Wishing you the best

YellowLead

OP there is a separation and divorce section in boards - you might get advice there from people who have been in the same situation if that is what you seek.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722113#Comment_118722113

It really is all about you…. Here is an idea, suggest to her that you will take full responsibility for caring for the three kids during the week and every second week and perhaps she will feel more accommodating as she sees an opportunity to get some ME time. After all you are the one that wants the exit.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118728339#Comment_118728339

Jim have you experience of this?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722249#Comment_118722249

It sounds like you've got it all figured out how you think it will go in your head. My advice is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched.

A family court Judge is far more likely to make an order granting your wife the right to remain in the family home with the children until the youngest is 23 or out of full time education (whichever comes first) with you still paying towards the mortgage.

Also you should be looking to take on more of an active role with your children then just one night a week and every other weekend.

Segotias

You are coming across as though you are faultless in the whole marriage, she has changed, she's not attractive etc etc.

Its takes 2 in a relationship, you don't want counselling but do you help out at home, do you do your half of the childcare and housework. She is also working full time so is the rest being landed on her too.

I think you'll find if you do separate the grass isn't necessarily going to be greener. You're saying you'll take the kids every second weekend and 1 night a week. That's not even custody, you'd have them 104 days out of 365 and would expect her to buy you out of the family home. No judge in the land will instruct that, you've a good 19 years to bring your youngest to 23 when anything can be enforced as mentioned above.

I'm not saying stay in a marriage you don't want to be in. In fact leaving might be the best thing for your wife, she will realise that things aren't as bad as she might think with you gone. For you be realistic, you're in your 40's with baggage. I'm not sure what you think is out there for you but for most people I know who've split they're not quite the catch they seem to think they are.

Good luck!

Big Bag of Chips

I thought it will get better but it did not

What did you do to try make it better? Things tend to not just get better by themselves. It takes work, effort, something changing to make changes.

Of course your wife isn't the woman you fell in love with. She's older, married, a mother. I was a single, carefree, 22 year old when I met my husband. I'm now a 44 year old mother of 4. I shouldn't be the same person today that I was at 22. Life happens, people change.

You're not the same person she fell in love with. She fell in love with a man who loved her, who laughed with her, who talked to her, was interested in her. You are offering none of that at the moment, and don't want to even try to offer it anymore. How do you expect her to be everything when you refuse to offer anything? She is offering counseling to perhaps try to reset your marriage, but you're not interested. And yet you're laying the blame for your bleak marriage solely at her feet.

I think mediation should be your first step. If you go about legally separating it will be the first thing that is suggested for you. I advise you to make your decision, and follow it through. Your marriage is over. You're looking for it to be something different but you are not willing to try make any changes yourself.

Your wife will be upset. At first. She'll be upset because she'll be scared. She won't know what to expect, how she'll cope, how the children will deal with it, whether or not you'll be reasonable or make everything more difficult.

But she'll be OK. As will you. If you are certain there's no future, then do the right thing and take steps to separate

JoChervil

OP, I assume from your posts, you are a fit, groomed, well dressed man. And charming to your wife. Otherwise you wouldn't have such expectations from a person, who you treat with disrespect for so long. Also you didn't mention, if you help your wife at home for her to have time to take proper care of herself. And if you support and motivate her to do it.

You sound like keeping a lot of suppressed anger towards your wife. It would be good to release it, justified or not. So counselling would help you with it. If it wouldn't save your marriage, it would at least help you to split on good terms. If people are able to be fully open and understanding, so no need then to use kids in their dealings.

Big Bag of Chips

I was afraid she will go back to her home country with the kids so I stay

Well if she's stressed in work, suffering with mental health and you plan to see your children 4 nights a month + 1 evening a week for an hour or 2, maybe she would be better going back to the support of her family. You don't plan to see your children very often, so she could use her family's support and you could arrange to make the journey to go see them instead.

I will pay maintenance for the kids not for her as she is working full time.

That might not be your choice. If she is going to be the full time parent, with full day to day responsibility for your children, being the one who has to miss work if they are sick, or need to attend appointments etc then you might find that you do in fact have to pay her maintenance (or higher maintenance rate for your children) to compensate for the fact that her career is going to suffer as you are not going to be available to share the load.

I can afford to buy a new home if she buy my share of the family home

That's a very big if. Can she afford to buy you out, take on the full mortgage herself plus the day to day expenses of 3 children? You seem to have it all worked out in your head. How much maintenance do you plan on paying? How much will you be looking from her to buy you out? How much will her mortgage be then? Will you contribute to school costs, after school activities, school tours, birthday presents (for the many birthday parties they are likely to be invited to every year).

You seem to think this will be a simple case of moving into your own place and starting a new life and everything falls into place. That's unlikely to happen, at least without mediation or counseling. I understand you think ending your marriage is the only option, and maybe it is. You have no desire to try make anything work with your wife. But don't walk off thinking you can throw a few quid at it and it'll all be fine.

You need to think every detail through. There will be an awful lot you haven't thought about. If fuel prices/energy bills continue to rise will you increase your proposed maintenance to help cover the increasing costs, for example? If your wife can't afford to buy you out, and you can't afford to buy your own place how much maintenance will you afford if you are renting?

Ending a marriage is a difficult process. Especially when 3 young children are involved. In some cases it is definitely the right decision. But you need to do all you can to provide both financially and physically if you make the choice to separate.

notAMember

OP, this is a depressing read. You don’t want her to talk about her work to you, you don’t want her to talk about the children either. But you call her boring. You offer no support for her worries, wanting to know nothing of her work stress, except that money comes in so you can safely ditch her without maintenance. You want her to slink around in heels and makeup for you while she works full time and raises your children. Without the support of her family nearby. It sounds like you have had the hard landing of realising your wife is a human being rather than a fembot.

I definitely think you should get a divorce, for her sake tbh. But in your own interests do the mediation and counselling with her so you may be able to part amicably. At least try to look like you made an effort, for your own and your children’s sake.

Deeec

OP it sounds like you have made your decision and you want to separate so fair enough. Im a bit shocked though that you seem to show no concern for your wife ( afterall she is the mother of your children) here at all. It seems you want her to take all the responsibility of raising your children. You want to take them every second weekend to be a fun time weekend dad ( that is of course if your not too busy with all the babes that with will want to have sex with you). You want your wife to work full time ( in her stressful job ) and raise the kids alone. By the sounds of it she has no family in Ireland so probably has very little support to help her out - but you dont want her to go back to her own country. I wouldnt blame her for going back if she has noone to help her out. You run a high risk that this will happen.

Your only concern is what your kids and your parents will think of you - this is a pretty shocking attitude. No concern for your families day to day life at all. By all means separate but dont be foolish enough to think you will live a great bachelor boy lifestyle. In order to keep the relationship with your kids good you need to come up with a plan that supports both your wife and kids. You need to be more available for the homework, the dropping and collection to activities, days they are sick - you need to be more hands on in the day to day life of the kids. If you dont do this your kids will eventually resent you - you could end up being a lonely old man.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722113#Comment_118722113

The line she's always tired struck me.

She's looking after 3 young kids. What do you expect? How much do you do around the house and with the kids.

My guess is that's its little to nothing.

I assume she's at home full time. The kids are probably all she has in her day. What else would she talk about.

All I'm seeing is someone who has checked not only out of the marriage but also of family life.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118739570#Comment_118739570

She is actually working a full time, in what the OP describes as a very stressful job, while raising their three children (one of whom is 14 year old teenager - awkward age) and with a husband who doesn't want to know about her stresses, who he says he despises, who he says bores him when she talks, whom he compares negatively to his work colleagues wives because she doesn't go around in heels and dresses - and then he complains that she is tired and never initiates sex with him!!

Why the hell would she want to have sex with someone who has such obvious distain for her?

The silver lining in this cloud, is that though this separation will no doubt be hard for the OPs wife and children at the start, I've no doubt in my mind that in a year or two down the line his wife will find herself in a much happier place. She may even find someone who actually loves, appreciates and respects her.

I heartily endorse the advice, OP, that you separate/divorce her as soon as possible. It will be an act of kindness towards your wife.

Big Bag of Chips

@[Deleted User] and @rrundee I've deleted your last posts as they breach The Forum Charter for this forum.

All posters are reminded replies are expected to be directed at the OP with advice being offered. General discussion is not allowed in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues where posters come asking for specific advice on their own issue.

Bobtheman

I think you owe it to your kids to try counselling. Divorce /separation is a minefield.

The counsellor would be clear to you on whether he or she thinks it has a future.

You Brought 3 kids into the world. It ain't all about you.

You owe it to them to try counselling.

With three kids people lose each other but remember you not the kids decided to bring them into the world.

If after a few sessions of counselling you decide to go - you can say that you tried

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058235597/wants-out-of-the-marriage-how-do-you-do-it

If you really think you want out , tell her and see a solicitor. Or vice versa..it really is that simple. If you're obviously unhappy she's probably hurting too.