Wants out of the marriage, how do you do it?

Lgt

How do you tell your wife you are unhappy with the relationship and want to leave. We have three kids the youngest being just under 4, I just not happy anymore, I am not attracted to her and I can no longer stay with her because of the kids.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058235597/wants-out-of-the-marriage-how-do-you-do-it

How does she feel about the marriage?

Lgt

She is buried her head in the sand, she said she loves me and doesn’t want to break up, wants to go to counselling. I don’t think counselling will work as for me the marriage is over a long time ago. I should have left 5 years ago. She just get on my nerves, I look at her and only feel trap and anger towards her

Jesus....you're in a real bind there.....

A. DON'T do anything rash.

B. COMMUNICATION!!!! a straight sit-down once kids are in bed....... a straight sit-down with all the cards on the table......dont go in all guns blazing....starting off with "I'm not happy anymore & haven't been for a while"...... maybe the feeling is mutual.

C. If there's owt there.....& after X years of marriage & 3children there 'must' be a lot of common ground..... a marrige IS WORTH fighting for.

---------------------------------------

These last couple of years ( covid, WFH etc) threw an awful lot of spanners into the machinery....... perhaps counselling is an avenue??.

Obviously, I'm taking it for granted there's no "third" party involvement.

REFLECT DEEPLY , take stock & again....DONT do anything rash

Lgt

I had sit down with her but she is begging me to reconsider, I think she is afraid to be alone this is why she doesn’t want to break up. Our relation hasn’t be great for ages, she is always tired, never initiate sex. We are living under the same roof but being estranged to each other. There isn’t barely any conversation between us except if it is about the kids. To be honest, if she talks about something else, I don’t listen to her as I don’t care about her anymore.

laoisgem

Have you thought about who's going to have custody of the kids? Who's going to move out of the marital home? Maintenance arrangements? All this will have to be discussed.

Lgt

What I am afraid if she is going to turn the kids against me, the others 2 are 8 and 14. Anyone has been in my situation and could give me pointers. Thanks

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722113#Comment_118722113

Reading that last line there it seems as if you've already made up your mind.... when was last time ye did something together???.... like lunch or a movie???? If the answer predates covid...... maybe looking at the 'exit' strategy IS in both your interests.....but more importantly, it may be in the young uns' best interests

Lgt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722194#Comment_118722194

We will have shared custody of the kids but she will be the primary career, I will pay maintenance for the kids not for her as she is working full time. I will be moving out of the marital home, I can afford to buy a new home if she buy my share of the family home. I am planning to have the kids stay with me every second weekend and an evening during the week. Now it is to get the courage to move out, her mental health is not great, I just don’t love her anymore

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722195#Comment_118722195

IF you decide to part.......& it's an acrimonious parting of the ways.....& IF your wife is minded to go down the 'parental alienation' route.....well, the outlook there is very bleak.....& I mean VERY bleak......i won't/ can't sugar coat that dilema for you....... your kids are at the ideal/ ripe age for alienation.... once that evil poison takes root you've 'lost' them...there ain't no antidote...but don't look at the 'what ifs'....... you & your wife are adults....if there's to be a parting of the ways I hope he can be mature & decent enough to put the kids FIRST SECOND AND THIRD

Lgt

Another issue is how do I tell my parents and siblings about it. My family loves her but I just can’t stand to be with her anymore, I want to be happy and don’t see myself to be with her anymore for the sake of the children I am in my mid 40 and wants to be with someone else that I would love instead of being stuck with someone I despise.

Caranica

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

Is there someone else? Someone you have your eye on? This post sounds like you might.

Your family will accept it. You're hardly the first guy to end a marriage. Once they can see the kids that will be the main thing.

Slutmonkey57b

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

You are worried about her "alienating" the kids from you, yet every post you mention that you despise her, personally. If you don't want to be alienated from your kids, you are starting from absolutely the wrong position.

What has she done to make you despise her? Cheated? Lied? Gambled? Spent all the money? If none of the above, then your kids are going to want to know why you're splitting up. What are YOU going to tell them? Because they will absolutely pick up on your disdain for your wife, and they will absolutely see that she did nothing wrong and they will absolutely blame you.

So if you want to avoid that, I would start off by addressing one thing: You not being in love with your wife anymore is *not her fault*. It's your problem to deal with and that's how you have to approach it. It appears you hate her because you want to blame her for your problem, not because she's done something to you. You'll have to ditch that baggage if you want to keep a good relationship with your kids.

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

Wow. Thats some very strong wording you use. Please leave this poor woman so she can get on with her life and not be despised and you can be an every second weekend dad. She works full time, has 3 kids including a 4 year old and a husband who wants her to initiate sex, so life can hardly get much worse for her, can it?

I suppose its insensitive to ask why you chose to have 3 children with a woman you despise, or has something happened since the last child was born 4 years ago which has made you despise her?

I can't comment on whether she will "turn the kids against you " or not - you could always apply for main custody yourself of course to take more of an pro-active role if you are worried about this. Equally, if your children are at all aware that you despise their mother, then they might turn against you anyway.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722304#Comment_118722304

I hate to say this and HOPE I'M WRONG but methinks you've already called 'full time' on your marrige & there's a bit of 'far away hills= much greener" . I was thinking you've hit the 'mid life' crisis alarm or that you've an 'eye' for another but then you use the word "despise"...... a marrige IS well & truly on the 'home straight" if that's a word you'd use about your other half

FintanMcluskey

Not been in your situation but many marriages are like this.

Romance and attraction are fleeting, certaintly with kids.

When a couple are romancing, the worries are few and the sex is one of the primary concerns.

When a woman has kids, her primary concern is those children, not sex. And it's an exhausting job. It's not a choice a woman makes, it's an indoctrinated mechanism for the survival of the species.

There isn’t barely any conversation between us except if it is about the kids. To be honest, if she talks about something else, I don’t listen to her as I don’t care about her anymore.

Sounds like shes in and your out.

My advice it's always worth it shot at mediation, but best of luck regardless

Telling mommy & daddy that there may be a divorce in the offing is the LEAST of your problems right now

Goodigal

From how you have described your feelings towards her over the last few posts, you're totally done with her. But in her best interests, it might be worth going to counselling to finish things, discuss things with a third party but in order to help her start to see the future without you in it. Don't get into games over access to children etc, but find some guidance on how to split amicably but also without giving her any hope that you'll be back.

Both families will get used to the idea once you start to tell them, but there's always going to be a bad guy portrayed if you don't do this right. It is ok to say we're not in love anymore if both people feel the same. It's not that way here.

And yes, it sounds to me like you already have someone in mind too.

_Brian

It seems from your language and attitude that you nearly have distain for your wife. Kids arent stupid, they will add this to the fact that you dstroyed their family, yes thats how they will see it as your the one breaking it up, and at least in the short term resent you for it and hold you responsible..

Lgt

You are correct I am totally done with her. If I am being honest, I should have left 5 years ago but I was afraid she will go back to her home country with the kids so I stay, I thought it will get better but it did not and my feeling towards her are now non existent and I can’t stand it anymore and wants out, I can’t pretend anymore, she deserves someone that truly loves her and it is not me but she cannot see it, she doesn’t understand that I don’t love her she thinks it is a mid life crisis and we will get through it. She isn’t anymore the person that I fall in love with. @FintanMcluskey you are correct, the kids are her priority, she is a good mother, she is doing everything for them and put them first, this is the reason why I will not fight for custody of the kids as I don’t think she will cope. She is under a lot of stress with work at the moment which has affected her mental health, she used to be very funny, and now she is just grumpy

NiceFella

OP,

Take some reponsibility for having a family with a person you now "despise". You made your bed as it were. What exactly has she done to make you feel this way?

Weather you believe counselling will work or not, I think you owe that much to a person you had 3 children with to at least try it. You can lay your feelings out on the table with total honesty and come to an informed conclusion on both sides and do what's best for your children.

Show her this thread, maybe? That should do the trick.

Sounds like you have thought through some bits in great detail, but others hardly at all. If you've got money available to be planning on moving out, I guess you can afford two weeks in an Airbnb right now to get your head straight. Wanting space to think after all the lockdowns makes perfect sense.

If you want a good relationship with your kids after splitting up, you will need to start respecting their mother and appreciating the effort she puts in. "Despise" is way too harsh a word for someone you can't avoid speaking to for many years into the future, and you haven't really answered the other replies asking why you despise her.

There's a family mediation scheme where you can get free help to talk through the details of a separation, think you should contact them. They will respect your decision to end the relationship.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/

Lgt

Maybe despise is a bit harsh, I am just not attracted to her anymore, I don’t fancy her, she has put a lot of weight on since having kids, she is plain in comparison to my work colleagues wife’s/partners (they all dresses to the 9) in fact I am ashamed of her appearance as she rarely make an effort, she will happily live all the time in leggings and trainers and if she wore heels she is complaining that her feet hurt, she isn’t bother with makeuu either. She used to be very funny but now she is just boring, she is under a lot of stress at work for the past 10 years and now I can’t bear hearing about her problem, I don’t offload my issue to her when I have problem at work, I told her that work should stay at work she doesn’t need to bring the issue home. She is not the woman I used to love, she is now short tempered and complain all the time that I don’t help around the house. I am just fed up with her nagging.

Welcome back, Green Finers. "New" to boards and with a locked profile already. Funny that.

Lgt

I know It sound shallow but it is how I feel about her. I just don’t love her. Any one has ever experienced it and did you leave or stay?

Hannibal_Smith

You've told her you want to separate. You've reached the end of your relationship. What else is there to do but make your next move and leave?

I don't see the benefit here of listing the issues you have with her. The advice you are looking for is how to leave. You've already started down the road by telling your wife so continue you with that.

Lgt

You are right, I will leave her, I just would love to have input of someone who has been in this situation and how it turns out to them.

Lgt

not a troll account, it is hard to take the decision to leave your wife when you have kids but I don’t love her anymore and I know I sound harsh and shallow. I was hoping to hear from someone who has been in this situation and to tell me that separation was the best from them and their spouse. I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t be with her, I don’t love her, and I think it is in the best interest of the children if we separate, hard to explain how I feel but in her eyes she doesn’t see it that way.

Lgt

Hopefully you will not be in my situation, I just want what is the best for my family, I tried to be honest in regard to my feelings to my wife. I have taking the decision to separate and will move out by the weekend, like I said I just wanted to hear from someone who has been in the same boat, to get advise about how to deal with it in regard to the children as my marriage is truly over. By putting it in writing, I got confirmation that the separation is what is the best for me and the children.Thank you very much for the input.

Hannibal_Smith

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Thanks

HS

"When a woman has kids, her primary concern is those children, not sex. And it's an exhausting job. It's not a choice a woman makes, it's an indoctrinated mechanism for the survival of the species."

This is just an embrace of mystical "otherness" to justify women neglecting the guy once they have what they want/kids/emotional fulfilment. Instead of women who do this being portrayed as selfish women, they are portrayed as selfless mothers. Bizarre. It denudes women of rationality. The women who do this make choices.

If they choose to act as if the guy doesn't exist other than as a coparent/funder of the family home after children are born, then that is their choice not some stupid mystical child-rearing instinct. It could far more strongly be argued that the rational thing is to keep the guy on board by giving him the love/affection/intimacy you promised upon marriage and then the children are raised in a loving, secure home. But then that might require less selfishness on the part of the women in question who have just ticked the motherhood lifegoal and don't care about anything else (except portraying themselves as the victim, of course).

Having said all this, the OP here seems to be the one who wants to end the marriage so he needs to do that asap. Far, far, far too much anger on his part, and far too dismissive of her offering of counselling. Marriage breakdown is a colossal event that shouldn't be engaged in without trying every available alternative. I suggest the OP starts looking at himself for his part in the problem, because that's the only part he can change. If he brings his same issue into his next relationship, expect a similar ending. But it's very hard work (if ultimately enormously rewarding) sorting ourselves out so most people just go from relationship to relationship repeating the same problems. That's weak, a cop-out.

Liberty_Bear

I suppose there are three things at stake here

-Your wife and her mental health

-The future of your kids

-Where you will be post break up

Can you manouvre everyone into a scenario where you still see the children, your wife can get help that she might need and you have your own space to reflect on things? Thats the pramgatic side of it.

Heart goes out to you mate, when the love has gone its going through the motions isnt it. Wishing you the best

YellowLead

OP there is a separation and divorce section in boards - you might get advice there from people who have been in the same situation if that is what you seek.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722113#Comment_118722113

It really is all about you…. Here is an idea, suggest to her that you will take full responsibility for caring for the three kids during the week and every second week and perhaps she will feel more accommodating as she sees an opportunity to get some ME time. After all you are the one that wants the exit.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118728339#Comment_118728339

Jim have you experience of this?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722249#Comment_118722249

It sounds like you've got it all figured out how you think it will go in your head. My advice is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched.

A family court Judge is far more likely to make an order granting your wife the right to remain in the family home with the children until the youngest is 23 or out of full time education (whichever comes first) with you still paying towards the mortgage.

Also you should be looking to take on more of an active role with your children then just one night a week and every other weekend.

Segotias

You are coming across as though you are faultless in the whole marriage, she has changed, she's not attractive etc etc.

Its takes 2 in a relationship, you don't want counselling but do you help out at home, do you do your half of the childcare and housework. She is also working full time so is the rest being landed on her too.

I think you'll find if you do separate the grass isn't necessarily going to be greener. You're saying you'll take the kids every second weekend and 1 night a week. That's not even custody, you'd have them 104 days out of 365 and would expect her to buy you out of the family home. No judge in the land will instruct that, you've a good 19 years to bring your youngest to 23 when anything can be enforced as mentioned above.

I'm not saying stay in a marriage you don't want to be in. In fact leaving might be the best thing for your wife, she will realise that things aren't as bad as she might think with you gone. For you be realistic, you're in your 40's with baggage. I'm not sure what you think is out there for you but for most people I know who've split they're not quite the catch they seem to think they are.

Good luck!

Big Bag of Chips

I thought it will get better but it did not

What did you do to try make it better? Things tend to not just get better by themselves. It takes work, effort, something changing to make changes.

Of course your wife isn't the woman you fell in love with. She's older, married, a mother. I was a single, carefree, 22 year old when I met my husband. I'm now a 44 year old mother of 4. I shouldn't be the same person today that I was at 22. Life happens, people change.

You're not the same person she fell in love with. She fell in love with a man who loved her, who laughed with her, who talked to her, was interested in her. You are offering none of that at the moment, and don't want to even try to offer it anymore. How do you expect her to be everything when you refuse to offer anything? She is offering counseling to perhaps try to reset your marriage, but you're not interested. And yet you're laying the blame for your bleak marriage solely at her feet.

I think mediation should be your first step. If you go about legally separating it will be the first thing that is suggested for you. I advise you to make your decision, and follow it through. Your marriage is over. You're looking for it to be something different but you are not willing to try make any changes yourself.

Your wife will be upset. At first. She'll be upset because she'll be scared. She won't know what to expect, how she'll cope, how the children will deal with it, whether or not you'll be reasonable or make everything more difficult.

But she'll be OK. As will you. If you are certain there's no future, then do the right thing and take steps to separate

JoChervil

OP, I assume from your posts, you are a fit, groomed, well dressed man. And charming to your wife. Otherwise you wouldn't have such expectations from a person, who you treat with disrespect for so long. Also you didn't mention, if you help your wife at home for her to have time to take proper care of herself. And if you support and motivate her to do it.

You sound like keeping a lot of suppressed anger towards your wife. It would be good to release it, justified or not. So counselling would help you with it. If it wouldn't save your marriage, it would at least help you to split on good terms. If people are able to be fully open and understanding, so no need then to use kids in their dealings.

Big Bag of Chips

I was afraid she will go back to her home country with the kids so I stay

Well if she's stressed in work, suffering with mental health and you plan to see your children 4 nights a month + 1 evening a week for an hour or 2, maybe she would be better going back to the support of her family. You don't plan to see your children very often, so she could use her family's support and you could arrange to make the journey to go see them instead.

I will pay maintenance for the kids not for her as she is working full time.

That might not be your choice. If she is going to be the full time parent, with full day to day responsibility for your children, being the one who has to miss work if they are sick, or need to attend appointments etc then you might find that you do in fact have to pay her maintenance (or higher maintenance rate for your children) to compensate for the fact that her career is going to suffer as you are not going to be available to share the load.

I can afford to buy a new home if she buy my share of the family home

That's a very big if. Can she afford to buy you out, take on the full mortgage herself plus the day to day expenses of 3 children? You seem to have it all worked out in your head. How much maintenance do you plan on paying? How much will you be looking from her to buy you out? How much will her mortgage be then? Will you contribute to school costs, after school activities, school tours, birthday presents (for the many birthday parties they are likely to be invited to every year).

You seem to think this will be a simple case of moving into your own place and starting a new life and everything falls into place. That's unlikely to happen, at least without mediation or counseling. I understand you think ending your marriage is the only option, and maybe it is. You have no desire to try make anything work with your wife. But don't walk off thinking you can throw a few quid at it and it'll all be fine.

You need to think every detail through. There will be an awful lot you haven't thought about. If fuel prices/energy bills continue to rise will you increase your proposed maintenance to help cover the increasing costs, for example? If your wife can't afford to buy you out, and you can't afford to buy your own place how much maintenance will you afford if you are renting?

Ending a marriage is a difficult process. Especially when 3 young children are involved. In some cases it is definitely the right decision. But you need to do all you can to provide both financially and physically if you make the choice to separate.

notAMember

OP, this is a depressing read. You don’t want her to talk about her work to you, you don’t want her to talk about the children either. But you call her boring. You offer no support for her worries, wanting to know nothing of her work stress, except that money comes in so you can safely ditch her without maintenance. You want her to slink around in heels and makeup for you while she works full time and raises your children. Without the support of her family nearby. It sounds like you have had the hard landing of realising your wife is a human being rather than a fembot.

I definitely think you should get a divorce, for her sake tbh. But in your own interests do the mediation and counselling with her so you may be able to part amicably. At least try to look like you made an effort, for your own and your children’s sake.

Deeec

OP it sounds like you have made your decision and you want to separate so fair enough. Im a bit shocked though that you seem to show no concern for your wife ( afterall she is the mother of your children) here at all. It seems you want her to take all the responsibility of raising your children. You want to take them every second weekend to be a fun time weekend dad ( that is of course if your not too busy with all the babes that with will want to have sex with you). You want your wife to work full time ( in her stressful job ) and raise the kids alone. By the sounds of it she has no family in Ireland so probably has very little support to help her out - but you dont want her to go back to her own country. I wouldnt blame her for going back if she has noone to help her out. You run a high risk that this will happen.

Your only concern is what your kids and your parents will think of you - this is a pretty shocking attitude. No concern for your families day to day life at all. By all means separate but dont be foolish enough to think you will live a great bachelor boy lifestyle. In order to keep the relationship with your kids good you need to come up with a plan that supports both your wife and kids. You need to be more available for the homework, the dropping and collection to activities, days they are sick - you need to be more hands on in the day to day life of the kids. If you dont do this your kids will eventually resent you - you could end up being a lonely old man.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118722113#Comment_118722113

The line she's always tired struck me.

She's looking after 3 young kids. What do you expect? How much do you do around the house and with the kids.

My guess is that's its little to nothing.

I assume she's at home full time. The kids are probably all she has in her day. What else would she talk about.

All I'm seeing is someone who has checked not only out of the marriage but also of family life.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118739570#Comment_118739570

She is actually working a full time, in what the OP describes as a very stressful job, while raising their three children (one of whom is 14 year old teenager - awkward age) and with a husband who doesn't want to know about her stresses, who he says he despises, who he says bores him when she talks, whom he compares negatively to his work colleagues wives because she doesn't go around in heels and dresses - and then he complains that she is tired and never initiates sex with him!!

Why the hell would she want to have sex with someone who has such obvious distain for her?

The silver lining in this cloud, is that though this separation will no doubt be hard for the OPs wife and children at the start, I've no doubt in my mind that in a year or two down the line his wife will find herself in a much happier place. She may even find someone who actually loves, appreciates and respects her.

I heartily endorse the advice, OP, that you separate/divorce her as soon as possible. It will be an act of kindness towards your wife.

Big Bag of Chips

@[Deleted User] and @rrundee I've deleted your last posts as they breach The Forum Charter for this forum.

All posters are reminded replies are expected to be directed at the OP with advice being offered. General discussion is not allowed in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues where posters come asking for specific advice on their own issue.

Bobtheman

I think you owe it to your kids to try counselling. Divorce /separation is a minefield.

The counsellor would be clear to you on whether he or she thinks it has a future.

You Brought 3 kids into the world. It ain't all about you.

You owe it to them to try counselling.

With three kids people lose each other but remember you not the kids decided to bring them into the world.

If after a few sessions of counselling you decide to go - you can say that you tried

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058235597/wants-out-of-the-marriage-how-do-you-do-it

If you really think you want out , tell her and see a solicitor. Or vice versa..it really is that simple. If you're obviously unhappy she's probably hurting too.