nav[aria-label="Primary Navigation"] { padding: 0; & ul { list-style: none; width: 100%; display: flex; flex-direction: row; justify-content: start; align-items: start; gap: 30px; padding: 0; & li { margin: 0; } & ul li { list-style: none; } } }

Child Item

Husband has occasional cocaine benders

Cobain

Hello all,

I would be greatful for some advice as I am at my wits end. My husband of 10 years has occasional drink and coke binges and refuses to stop. So I recently found out that he has been dabbling with cocaine for the past 15 years.this would happen every 2 months he would go out with the lads and Forget to come home. He would apologise and promise to stop. We have two kids and he is a wonderful dad and husband when sober. These binges happen every few months and he just lets himself down when they do occur. I have asked him to go to counselling/addiction services but he thinks its not a problem because it only happens every 2 months.I don't confide in my family or friends about this issue because I would hate for people to think bad of him.I have asked him to leave twice in the past after a particularly heavy session but after a few days he returned promising that he was on the straight and narrow.He tells me I'm totally overreacting and coke is not a big deal. Im a nurse so I know different! Any advice/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Find more posts tagged with

alcohol and cocaine binge

Quick Links

Comments

Jequ0n

So you were ok with him going on, presumably, alcohol binges and not come home, but coke is the deal breaker?

I can’t see why this would be worse, but then I have nothing against coke in the first place.

Cobain

No I was never OK with any of the binges. I suppose I've only recently found out that coke was always in the mix hence not coming home until 5 or 6 am the next morning.

sporina

i wonder, is he using Coke only once every 2 mths? its highly addictive apparently.. he could be using it more often.. and its €€€ also.. my heart goes out to you.. not cool

Effects

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118632576#Comment_118632576

Some people use it regularly, and some people only every couple of months. For example, an older, married man with two kids, might go on the odd bender, but not use it every week.

Strumms

Cocaine…

1) is illegal

2) is manufactured with zero quality control

3) is more addictive then alcohol, cannabis or heroin

4) fuels the profits of gangsters and organised crime…

coke would certainly be a dealbreaker.

he needs to get a grip of his priorities.

Amadan Dubh

It sounds like he is a functioning addict if he has to go hard every two months. If you push him strongly enough, he should give it up because it just doesn't fit in with his family life.

Confront him with a proposition where he has to choose between the family life with you or the binges, that it is the ultimatum and if he finds it so hard to quit the binges then you know that he is an addict and/or isn't happy with his life with you. Don't fight him on it, just say that he can enjoy his binges if that's what he wants but you won't stay with him so it's solely his choice, you aren't stopping him go on binges, you just don't want to be with someone who is like that.

Cobain

Thank you all I know deep down that he will never change. I've given numerous ultimatums over the years and he has always worked his way back to us. I just needed to hear it from a third party.

shesty

You're a nurse - you know.

Are the kids aware of this? Because if they aren't now, they will be in time. Are you ok with this? "I know you're getting up for school and Dad isn't home yet, but he will be in a while...", and then watching him recover for the next few days from it?

He clearly can't stay off it, I guess then it is up to you to decide that he can stay or go if that is the life he wants to lead. I feel for you OP. It would be a total deal breaker for me, especially if there were kids involved. Because it's not just about him and his binges, it's also about what the kids see and hear and are exposed to, and that would not be ok by me.

fits

I don’t think it’s an addiction issue here. It’s what his friends do to socialise and it’s pretty common. Albeit a nasty drug and goodness knows where it came from or how it got here

however it would be absolutely a deal breaker for me too even without the cocaine. You just can’t be going on benders like that and disappearing and then spending days recovering when you have young children.

jim o doom

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118633267#Comment_118633267

Can't say this is accurate. I know a few people who have dabbled with various drugs down the years, including similar, semi-regular use of coke.

Some are still using it, others have completely ceased using it. One guy stopped at about 39 when he had his first kid, another friend stopped using it at 41 because he was concerned about how it was affecting him.

That said, I still have some friends who use it occaisionally.

There are no hard and fast rules, a comment on a boards.ie thread doesn't mean that he will "never change". Many people who are seriously addicted to various drugs manage to get clean.

Cobain

His friends are the party every week type,all single all partake in coke and that's OK for them. After a heavy session my husband is recovering for a week or two with a chest or sinus infection and generally catching up with sleep. He avoids any conversation with me because he doesn't think its a problem.Look everyone is entitled to a night out but not to the extent that it effects family life.

Caranica

Why do you keep letting him come back. He's showing his weakness in these binges but you're showing yours in constantly backing down. He knows you won't stick to your word so he'll keep doing this. You can't change him but you can change you. Consequences have to be real for them to have any impact on him.

con___manx1

I never seen the appeal of coke myself. Done it plenty of times over the years. Wouldnt be bothered now.

If your husband only does it every few months should be no problem for him to stop. That is if he hasnt got a secret coke addiction.

Keep an eye on him.

manonboard

Im sorry your husband is a drug addict. That must be really tough. I've dated a couple in the past too. One about 12 years ago, then a girlfriend of couple years ago developed an addiction to medication she needed to take.

Its incredibly easy to soften our view on it, because we fear the consequences of acknowledging that truth. You've actually already fallen into that pattern already. I just want to make sure you are aware of it.

You say he is a good husband and partner when sober. You just separated him into two separate people. One that you think is the husband you like, and the other a husband that manifests when the drugs are present/used. No, you are attempting to separate them because acknowledging the addict as your husband one in all, is just a coping/escape mechanism.

You also are not sharing this with your friends and family, and say its to defend him from the bad judgements. Now you are covering up for him. You likely have shame and thats completely understandable. Its also likely a way to hide what your friends and family would tell you. By covering up his addiction, you are also now enabling him so be aware that you are already part of the problem. It happens very slowly, and feels like good intentions, but covering up for an addict is part of the problem. It allows them to continue it easier, and is obviously part of the enabling process.

If you are lying to your family and friends, i know its hard to admit, but you also need to acknowledge your husband is likely lying to you too. Its quite ignorant (and i mean that in the nicest possible way) to think that you lie to your family but your family is not lying to you. There are things going on that you likely dont know about, and even when they come out, it will be blamed on the drugs, or one time things, or not the real him etc. Its all part of the problem.

If you have provided ultimatums, which were healthy ones, and he 'worked his way back into us'.. no, you were not good enough at your boundaries and you have work to do in that area. He is meeting his needs just fine. He has a wife that loves him, supports him, covers up for him, and gets to go on drug benders to cover up his unresolved traumas and problems. She eventually always takes him back, and he gets to have everything.

Now listen op, I want to make sure you know i have nothing but respect for how hard you must have been trying so far. Im just trying to be as direct as possible based on my own experience. Both of my partners eventually recovered, one i have a strong friendship with, but both recovered long after our relationship ended and they had to learn to face the consequences of thier own actions. Protecting addicts from consequences makes you an enabler, and i know you have good reasons for it. People unfortunately dont change unless there is negative motivation to stop doing something harmful. Protecting them stops the learning process from occuring.

I wish you all the very best with whatever you decide to do or not to do.

jim o doom

I'm not excusing the dudes behaviour, I'm just saying that people can and do change all the time, and they certainly do cure themselves of addiction and related behaviour.

It sounds like he has issues that need to be addressed, I just wouldn't take the lack of the addressing his issues at this point to mean he won't change, or that your marriage is unsalvagable now.

Comments from people about his weakness or your weakness do not come from a place of compassion or knowledge. Again - people can and do change all the time, suggesting they don't is madness. We'd never have ex acoholics and ex drug users if that was the case.

Jequ0n

I guess only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and whether you are willing to continue living like this.

I can’t see how the opinions of strangers online make a difference here. Sounds like you’ve been at this point many times but both parties always reverted back to their default behaviour. Ultimately only you can decide if you are willing to accept this any longer

---------------------------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter

The purpose of PI is to seek advice and opinion from strangers online.

Quitelife

This cocaine your husband takes ultimately comes from some scum bag who could possibly put any poison into it and do your husband and others serious damage . On top of this if your husband goes on a mega cocaine binge or develops a more frequent usage he could well spend a lot of money ye may not have and then you'll have scum bags threatening to burn your house down or else get a loan from the credit union or bank to pay them back . Not the type of world im sure you want to be part of.

Give it up or get out would be my call to your husband .

Thelonious Monk

Some really OTT stuff in here. Your husband is not an addict, he enjoys doing coke once in a while, a ridiculous amount of the population of Ireland does these days. I have dabbled with most things over the years, coke does leave you wrecked the next day, or two even, if you go heavy on the stuff, so the older you get the more you should steer clear of it.

Would you be ok if he went out once every couple of months with his friends without doing coke? I understand you can have a problem with him doing illegal drugs but I would have no problem with my partner going out like this once in a while if they just got up the next days and got on with things as usual. Lying around moaning about it is not on, he's making his own bed here.

People going on about your house being burnt down because he does a few lines now and again, some people are so out of touch.

Cobain

Thank you,this really hit home for me. I feel like a fraud; to the outside world we have it all. I know I am enabling his behaviour by giving in to him. I'm just so reluctant to finally call a halt to our marriage for the sake of our kids. Yes a sense of shame definitely exists people will talk etc we live in a small place. Will try to talk to him tonight.

[Deleted User]

NO you are NOT a fraud. Stop flagelating yourself like that now. Some good advice in this thread so far OP.

USE some of it!

notAMember

For me , the deal breaker in this isn't even his own health, or the pressure it put your family, or the money. It's that it is morally horrendous. It's trafficked in here causing harm to drug mules, driving criminal activity, funding warlords.

Personally, I couldn't tolerate living with someone who had such a low moral standard. Who didn't give a toss about abuse or harm they cause.

turbot

Cocaine will literally bring out the worst in a person over time - and turn them into a worser sociopath narcissist.

It is highly addictive and habit forming - and "not that bad" until it is. I've known a few brilliant people who gradually turned into wretched a-holes from coke. Coke also makes a person feel confident without being competent.

If his friends take it as part of their drinking sessions - he is probably influenced by their collective perceptions. This also means, unless they stop taking it OR he stops sessioning with them, things are unlikely to change.

I suggest you frame it as follows:

UNLESS he stops this, he is choosing a course of action that THREATENS your marriage over time SO you're better off minimising damage earlier and then ASK HIM what he wants more?

XsApollo

So he is a wonderful father and husband.

goes on a night out that goes a bit overboard once in a while, he doesn’t become abusive or anything like that I’m taking it from the OP?

Probably sleeps it off for a day or 2.

so you basically want your husband to stop or you will break the marriage up?

that night out every couple of months is probably a de stresser for him, blow off the 2 months of being teetotal and doing everything else brilliantly.

some of the responses are a bit overboard.

id say 50% of people in pubs with music and night clubs are on coke or something other than alchohol , the number is more than likely higher.

yea maybe he should make it home the same night.

theteal

Sorry for your trouble OP. There are definite decisions to be made, I can't fathom the kids being near that. "Forget to come home" my balls!

The thoughts of a proper session every two months actually makes my head hurt - I think I'm lucky to get one a year (sans powder, never my thing) and that's probably a wedding. . . .with the wife in tow.

I do have a few passing friends that would be partial to a sniff (still living with mammy at almost 40 types), my kids will never meet them.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118633994#Comment_118633994

he's not a drug addict, i'm more concerned about you and why all your ex's turn to narcotics

---------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter. Not PI appropriate

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118634275#Comment_118634275

No, the OP said hes a great husband and father....... when hes sober!

He goes out on benders quite regularly and often doesnt come home and when he does it fairly useless for a couple of days. This absolutely isnt okay in his situation, regardless of if its coke or just drink or anything else.

To add to this the OP has said several times shes not okay with it and its effecting the family and marriage and he's done nothing about it. Everyone needs to blow off some steam now and again but this guy needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility and realize he's not the single party man his mates are.

OP time to lay it out flat that this isnt okay and is destroying the family, what he does with that will show you his character, although it seems hes already shown it. Last chance for this guy

Ljmscooter

you need to check your bank account, and mortgage payments,

Jequ0n

A lot of stereotyping on this thread, OP. Don’t let the moral judgement get to you and try to focus on what you want/ cannot accept and take it from there.

Cobain

Financially we are sound have always kept separate accounts etc bills mortgage paid.Yes coke is not an every week occurrence. He does drink most nights 2 to 3 beers or spirits and more at the weekend. Drink has always been a crutch for him. Yes there is a lot of unresolved trauma in his life but he is unwilling to talk to anyone about it . I'm not much of a drinker but we do go out together occasionally and have a great time. He is never abusive , great with the kids and does his fair share and i absolutely adore him. I know coke is everywhere,it's just not in the life I envisioned for us.

html6

Up and leave. You need to be ruthless. You've already warned him. Take the kids with you.

Every 2 months you're hoping he doesn't OD, have a heart attack or a stroke. He also directly or indirectly put himself, you and your kids in harms way when he does this. Also he is depriving your household when you need to pay mortgages, bills etc. And also taking money away from his kids???????????

Only return to him when he SHOWS you that he is willing to change. This maybe counselling and/or telling his and your family that he has been using.

You being a nurse having to put up with all the s**t over the last couple of year (worldwide virus). You don't need this as well.