Being left out of birthday parties

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 12:31am #1

7 girls in one of my daughters class and a month ago one girl had a birthday party that my daughter was left out of. We know of four girls that went. The birthday girl's mother goes walking the odd time with my wife but says nothing.

This weekend another girl is having a birthday party and we hear all the girls are going without our daughter. Our daughter gives a card she made to the girl and the mother texts to say thanks and tries to justify why my daughter cannot go saying only four allowed and mad to have more with Covid etc.

Am I missing something? I don't know what to say to my daughter?

joebloggs32 · 11-02-2022 12:35am

May well be covid.

We had one back in November for our 8 year old boy.

His last party pre covid had his whole class, over 20 kids. This time it was just 5 kids and his cousins to keep it below 10

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 4:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118613819#Comment_118613819

There are no restrictions any more with regards to Covid and every girl in the class is going except our daughter. The birthday girl is also our next door neighbour.

I'm half wondering if I should ask if there is a reason or issue as I'm not overly pleased with our daughter upset over it?

Pistachio19 · 11-02-2022 4:48pm

Did the mother not say only 4 were going? That means that its not only your child who wasn't invited. Or has she lied to your wife? I appreciate that the covid rules have changed but people are still wary of gatherings so maybe they don't want anymore than 4 kids in the house. It is crap when its just one who is left out and if that is the case then it might be worth asking if there is an issue between the girls that you and your wife are unaware of.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-02-2022 5:34pm

How old is your daughter? Are you sure all other girls are going? Maybe there's an issue with your daughter that you are unaware of?

There are only 3 other girls in my daughter's class. My daughter has been having an issue with 1 of the girls. I've gone to the school about it but not mentioned it to the girl's mother. I would go by what my daughter wanted. And if she didn't want this girl at something then I wouldn't invite her. As it turns out things seem to be settling and I will be inviting this child to my daughter's party in the summer. But, I would have no problem in arranging a quiet day out with the other 2 girls and not letting this mother know that it was happening if I felt this child's presence would upset my child.

If your child is regularly being left out of gatherings you might need to talk to her to see if anything is happening in school, and maybe going to school and asking them if there appears to be any problems within the class group.

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 7:10pm

Our daughter is 8.If something was going on I can't understand why a mother would organise a party, say nothing leaving our daughter out and then be all friendly with my wife expecting her to join her walking.

Our daughter has asked the birthday girl and it would appear she is the only girl not going. I could fully understand if they were all being brought to a play centre and it was a money issue but it's at the house so what's another 3 quids worth of sweets

starbaby2003 · 11-02-2022 7:23pm

If your daughter is the only girl not included in a class, that is absolutely not ok. The parent themselves should know that. I’ve invited all the girls in my daughters class for her birthdays just to avoid a situation like this. Cannot believe she wouldn’t make an exception, especially with the connection already there through your wife. Does your daughter have friends in the class ? Do you have play dates for her.

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 7:57pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617319#Comment_118617319

Yes the girls grew up together. A few summers ago we did a big playdate. Four classes boys and girls. We didn't know half of them or the parents but nobody was left out. Brothers and sisters of the four classes invited also.

As I said it doesn't bother me but I'm not sure what to say to her.

starbaby2003 · 11-02-2022 8:13pm

I love David Coleman for balanced advice. Not exactly the question you have asked but some of it might be useful. https://www.independent.ie/life/family/parenting/my-daughter-is-excluded-at-school-will-this-affect-her-self-esteem-30913531.html

Deeec · 12-02-2022 8:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058232423/being-left-out-of-birthday-parties

The problem here is that this child's mother is a complete c**t ( and I never use that word). Excluding a 8yr old from a birthday party is cruel and unnecessary. Nice people would invite all the girls at that age. There are no excuses to explain this woman's behaviour.

Playdates and birthday parties are a headwreck. Try not to read too much into it - I know it's hard not to.

The One Doctor · 12-02-2022 8:35pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058232423/being-left-out-of-birthday-parties

You're being paranoid tbh. We had 10+ kids at my daughter's parties before Covid. Now it's down to two kids.

12-02-2022 8:54pm

For a parent to leave one child out is unbelievable! Does she not realise that's a form of bullying? What sort of adult bullies a child?

If I was your wife I wouldn't be slow asking her why she is excluding and bullying your daughter.

RioM · 12-02-2022 11:56pm

The same thing happened to my 8 yr old daughter two weeks ago. She was so upset and we tried to reassure her that the party was probably limited because of Covid and that if she was the only girl left out the mam didn't realise. In the end a lot of other girls didn't go so it probably wasn't just our daughter being excluded. Small play dates are back now. I know we are due to organise one! Still I like to hear when other members of the group invite a different mix as I hate that someone's left out.

Ginger83 · 13-02-2022 12:18am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118622485#Comment_118622485

I wouldn't mind as much if two were going but to leave one child out is disgusting

digzy · 13-02-2022 12:33am

Jesus op that’s really ****. My 8 year old has 3 other lads in his class. One of them is a right sh1t. But they’ll all get invited along with a few cousins and kids of a few other adults we know.

my wife’s a teacher…you’d be surprised how common this lark is. It’s just awful for the little kids who're excluded. I’d agree with the poster who said it’s a form of bullying. Some parents can be completely clueless

Purple Mountain · 13-02-2022 12:42am

OP.. don't jump the gun just yet. You say the other child told your daughter the other girls were all invited but don't take an 8 year old child's word as gospel. Wait and see tomorrow.

If it transpires your daughter was in fact the only girl excluded then that's sh1t alright especially if it's a small class.

I always made sure invite all the boys in my son's small class even though some friendships were stronger than others.

Gusser09 · 13-02-2022 12:49am

Not a big deal. Dont be worrying.

13-02-2022 12:54am

"it would appear she is the only girl not going" - so you're not sure?

This notion that every child must be invited to every party, (and their siblings!) is ridiculous, and as far as I can see, only something that has came about in the last ten years or so.

What if there were 15 girls in the class? Would the mother then be expected to invite them all?

And if all the girls are invited, does that make it okay to exclude the boys?

The parents decide the numbers, and who is invited. That's life. In my day, you invited your child's friends (not the whole class) and after that it was family and family friends.

Far better to teach your daughter that sometimes life comes with little disappointments like these, and not to take it personally. I'll stand to her well when she is older.

Ginger83 · 13-02-2022 1:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118623458#Comment_118623458

Thanks for your comment. If there was 15 would it be fair to invite 14?

Deeec · 13-02-2022 1:43am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118623458#Comment_118623458

Yes if there were 15 girls in my daughter's class I would invite the 15 girls. Excluding 1 girl is disgusting behaviour - they're 8 year old kids remember.

I agree with you that it is the parents decision who is invited and this is what makes the exclusion of 1 child unacceptable. Most 8 year olds are not malice - disagreements are very short lived at that age - I have kids of a similar age. I find it hard to believe that this woman's child didn't want the ops child at her party - it's her mother that didn't want the child there for whatever stupid reason. As someone mentioned earlier this is bullying. Situations like this arise due to the parents view of the child/childs family ( usually a very selfish view)and usually the children concerned get along well.

Op I would mention to this woman ( quietly and calmly) that your child was very upset to be excluded. Yes I would make her feel guilty because making a child question themselves is very wrong.

13-02-2022 2:29am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118623507#Comment_118623507

You're welcome.

This is what happens when parents are more offended on behalf of their kids, than the actual kids are themselves, and is what this kind of nonsense thinking that "all or nothing" has led too.

If you didn't make a big deal out of it, your kid would learn not to think of it as a big deal.

Calling it bullying is utterly ridiculous in the extreme. Jesus wept. If this is the kind of nonsense parents are going on with nowadays, no wonder kids growing up with no resilience.

You can disagree with me, but it doesn't make it less true.

SuperS54 · 13-02-2022 3:29am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058232423/being-left-out-of-birthday-parties

So 4 out of 7 went to a party last month which mean almost half the girls in the class didn't go, including your daughter. The latest party sees 4 girls going, are they the same as last months, i.e. a "payback" invitation? Is your daughter close friends with either of the birthday girls? What age are we talking about here?

I wouldn't sweat it, in fact a humbug like me would be grateful that I don't have to pay for 6 extra birthday presents during the year and that I don't have to have 6 extra screaming kids in the house at least once a year.

lalababa · 13-02-2022 4:19am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118623458#Comment_118623458

And in my day/working class/countryfolk there was no real party ...just the immediate family for a cake and a 'happy birthday to you'. Over and done with. I suspect this child's birthday party lark is something that came from good auld USA, and it has grown legs...like the baby shower shite.

But we live in these times and we have to conform..tis nearly as bad now as when the Catholic Church was at the helm.

My inlaws didn't push communion on their eldest but they realised that she was 'left out '..so the second child got communion, just to not be different.

13-02-2022 8:15am

Just want to say that social exclusion is a type of bullying. If one child is left out, that is not acceptable. It is a form of bullying in the workplace also, so if it is bullying behaviour to do it to an adult, imagine doing it to a child!

13-02-2022 11:46am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118623732#Comment_118623732

Yet it's okay to exclude half the class based on their gender?

Ya, ok. 🙄

Ash.J.Williams · 13-02-2022 11:51am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118623668#Comment_118623668

Wha?

Deeec · 13-02-2022 12:30pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624159#Comment_118624159

But if you are excluding all the boys no boy feels left out. There is a big difference.

alexonhisown · 13-02-2022 12:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118623732#Comment_118623732

My granddaughter (just turned 5, in school and after school childcare) and grandson (just turned 4, in childcare) both recently had separate parties, they were both asked who they wanted to bring to their party. We made a list of kids names for each. We don’t know who is in every class. The creche pick up from school and bring to childcare and parents are still not allowed into rooms. So if it’s bullying to exclude some, who is doing the bullying, the parents or the kids choosing who they want at the party?

If any child was left out, we would not be aware. Are you suggesting we go to school and creche and ask the names of everyone in their classes?

NSAman · 13-02-2022 12:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058232423/being-left-out-of-birthday-parties

So what happened ?

13-02-2022 12:59pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118624281#Comment_118624281

So do you think girls only interact with other girls in their classroom, and never with any of the boys who may feel left out? My daughter's best friend in school was a boy.

Should I have excluded this boy from her parties, or included just him, alongside all 13 of the other girls (only 3 of whom she ever played with regularly) and then maybe 13 other boys so that the one boy invited didn't feel like the odd one out, and that none of the other boys felt excluded? So that's 23 children invited, who aren't even really friends.

If you can't see how ridiculous that is, I don't know what else to say to you. You can't please everyone, all of the time, and nor should you have to.

Not to mention what having whole classes - or even 15 kids over, (excluding relations) is like, and then if you have more than one child, multiply that by each of their birthdays, every year.

This is why I say invite your child's friends - and leave the rest of the parents off to bitch about you at the school gate or post internet threads on how you're "bullying" their precious little snowflake.

The only other thing I will say is - a big part of this problem arises if schools allow party invitations to be passed around in the classroom. My daughter's school did not allow invitations to be handed out in the classroom. Parents talked to other parents directly, or sent a text.

13-02-2022 1:14pm

I can think of plenty of things that would be more worthy of being outraged by than this.

The child will probably feed off their parents reaction in a case like this. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it or dwell on it. I wouldn't want my child's worth to feel dependant on what others think of them or what others include them in. As long as the child is secure in themselves and can stand on their own two feet that's fine.

Some of the comments are a bit dramatic. There'd be worse stuff than that to deal with rearing kids.

Being left out of birthday parties

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