Being left out of birthday parties

Big Bag of Chips

birthday girl's mother expects my wife to be neighbourly and friendly and go fitness walking

I don't understand the link. Your child wasn't invited to a child's party, and you think the mothers should now fall out over it?

Best bit of advice I ever heard was from the playschool teacher: She recalled a time when she was about 8, and fell out with the neighbour she played with who was also about 8 over something or other. She went crying to her mother telling her to go down and tell the other mother. Her mother refused, and the child was distraught that her mother wouldn't stand up for her.

But her mother told her: You and [Mary] will be back playing together tomorrow and not be one bit bothered about what happened today. But if I go down to that woman now, she and I will have a falling out. You two will be back being friends but there'll be bad feeling left between us two. So no. I'm not going to fall out with her over a child's argument.

And true enough, next day they were back playing together.

Don't get involved in children's squabbles. Just because your child and the other child aren't best friends doesn't mean the mothers need to fall out with each other. There will be plenty of times in your child's life where things happen involving other children. You'll make life very difficult for yourself, and her, if you go around falling out with the adults over it.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628505#Comment_118628505

I suppose the problem arises where certain kids don’t actually get invited to any parties and others do.

Icsics

It’s not you it’s them! It’s important to show your daughter that it’s no big deal & move on from it.

jolivmmx

There is a difference between inviting 2-3 friends and inviting all the others, except one.

Jequ0n

No wonder the whole victim mentality is on the rise.

jolivmmx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628534#Comment_118628534

The world has enough pricks. No need to be one. Better to actually consider people’s feelings, no? Or should we just go out of our way to hurt people? Great plan!

livingdgx

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628534#Comment_118628534

I don’t think excluding 8 year olds from parties (possibly deliberately) and people feeling hurt about it is quite the same thing as having a victim complex

jolivmmx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628564#Comment_118628564

That poster that you are responding to trolls on various threads

livingdgx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628521#Comment_118628521

That’s the popular girl gang mentality, happens in every school. It’s also very awkward being pressured by parents to be friends with someone. I started hanging out with the popular girls when I was around 7 and the bitchiness was unbelievable.

Not all kids find their tribe in school, in fact they’re better off not to imo

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628590#Comment_118628590

Oh I can remember it in primary school especially. Could list off the “popular” ones and those not so. To be fair there was also plenty that sat in the kind of middle ground

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628564#Comment_118628564

It’s life. At some stage everyone has to learn that lesson. Not being invited to one party isn’t bullying.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118627978#Comment_118627978

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118627992#Comment_118627992

So basically, you projected your issues onto me and attacked me for something someone else did to you many years ago.

Maybe you should get some therapy to address your triggers.

Do me a favour. Block me, and I'll do the same. I've no patience for your kind of carry on.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628606#Comment_118628606

So what is bullying?

jolivmmx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628602#Comment_118628602

It is funny to see where the popular people end up. Popular for us in the 90s was on the top 5s, not nerdy but not totally stupid, received Valentine’s (never got one in all my school years!), maybe drank or smoked once or twice in 6th class. Those cool people were allowed to stay out late, hanging around the estate and shifting behind the building sites. My mom held my hand as we crossed the road and wouldn’t let me go to sleepovers on school-nights.

I used to be so jealous of these people. My brother is over a decade older than me. We were driving home and he told me “the peak of these people’s lives are from about 5th class to 4th year”. And then life intervenes. He was so right!

jolivmmx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628617#Comment_118628617

Lol! Is that meant to make me crumble? Am I meant to feel upset? Did you spend all morning working on that one?

See, my shite made me resilient. Your shite, obviously made you bitter.

You are clearly one of these people that already needs the last word and pats yourself on the back about your pithy retorts. Sorry, but I am not impressed.

You dismissed the poster’s hurt that their daughter was not invited. Dismissed the “snow-flake” mentality. You invalidated any hurt that the people who experienced this treatment ever felt. And you use terms like drama llama on an adult forum….

carry on… Love it. You are oblivious to the irony.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628628#Comment_118628628

If the same child was systematically excluded from everyone’s parties you could argue it. A one off? Please.

jolivmmx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628657#Comment_118628657

The concern is that this may point to a more extensive and wider exclusion of that child. It is unlikely that she was left out on a once off for no reason and is besties with all the kids on a normal day

jj880

This can be painful as a parent. Ive had it before but it's important (IMO) not to intervene no matter how much you want to.

You will be seen as some kind of nutter who is trying to ruin another child's party. Also you cant take a childs word on the exact guest list.

I have had it both ways. If my son says he doesnt want a particular child at his party because they had a falling out or havent been as close the last while then that's how it will be. I'm not going to force him to invite a child to his party he doesnt want to. He has also learned to not get as upset as he used to when not invited to something. Now he might mention it in passing or be annoyed for maybe an hour but then he moves on.

No-one's child (your own or someone else's) has the right to be at a party or in someone elses house who doesnt want them there. I feel if you teach your child different they will have a hard time later in life with expectations like that.

This is different to a fight or a group of children picking on your child at school for example. In these cases you have to act and get it stamped out.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118628152#Comment_118628152

Did your wife ever ask why your child was excluded?

I'm good enough friends with one of my kids mum's but if I put a 4 child limit to the party her child probably wouldn't make the cut and I suspect the same if it was the other way around.

It's not that they are not friends by any stretch but they have friends whom they are closer to.

Out of courtesy I would say it to her "x is having a party only 4 are going they have picked their 4 friends. It's their party I'm not getting involved" of course it will sting but hopefully everyone can be adult about it.

You are also still not sure that everyone bar your daughter was invited to the second party.

I know there's been parties that my child hasn't been invited to, there are others parties they were , but other kids weren't. I have explained that they won't be invited to everything and if they are invited be mindful of others who aren't, ie don't be rubbing their noses in it.

Maybe a chat to the teacher in a "how's my daughter getting on, is she mixing ok, who does she play with" way, might be no harm. It might just be unfortunate timing that these two parties happened close together. There could be 4 invites on their way.

Big Bag of Chips

@jolivmmx @[Deleted User] please take your squabble elsewhere.

Already asked the poster to put me on ignore twice, on foot of her personal remarks.

Dr Turk Turkelton

Hey op if I'm reading you correctly this kid that is having the party is a neighbour?

If so on the day of the party hire a disco dome for your little one and invite a few cousins/ other friends over and have a big old party for your girl and fcuk the neighbours.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118631002#Comment_118631002

Whats true of exes is even more true for friends- “plenty more fish in the sea”!! But you don’t realise that until a bit later in life. I’ve made some of the most unlikely friends now I’m pushing 40!! Your world in primary school is a lot smaller so it feels a lot more hurtful if rejected