Endless silence on dating apps

1. Be attractive 2. Don't be unattractive

Really it's that simple.

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Mod Note:

@completedit it's really not that simple. If it was there would be no Relationship Issues. Also "attractive" is very subjective. Your post in it's simplicity has the potential to make a poster feel even worse about themselves.

That's generally the way I message people too and I always end up with the same result as yourself, so you're not alone. I get a decent amount of matches but I find most of the women make no effort with the conversation. It's like I'm the one asking all the questions but they never ask anything back and eventually it just fizzles out.

In saying that, a girl did respond to me yesterday saying she's free for a date after I asked her over 3 weeks ago. I'm thinking she might have had a couple of dates in that time and they didn't work out, but I'll see how it goes.

Dating apps are an incredibly efficient way to absolutely crush your confidence and spirit, more so for men than women, but still happens.

Apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and all those are a Law of Averages type game. Whether its in terms of matches, or even responses. The average straight woman is going to get an awful lot more messages than the average straight man, largely out of pure numbers, eg the ratio of men to women on dating apps.

It's also important to remember that dating apps are set up in a way, and configured, to encourage men to go to 'premium' versions of the App. They also typically charge men more than women.

Unfortunately with a lot of matches people just swipe as a confidence thing (men and women do this) because they like that serotonin hit when they get a match.

Keep at it if you want to, but just remember that sadly the success rate on most dating apps is quite low.

Maybe the guys you’re matching with are also taking the view that if you were interested, you’d message first? It’s a bit counter-productive to think that way on a dating app, since no-one would message anyone and no dates would be had by anyone by that logic.

Message first when you match. Why not? What have you got to lose? Plus you’re doubling your odds of getting dates immediately.

Also, apps dehumanise everyone. The swiping makes people forget there’s humans on the other side of it, so conversations will start and stop and people will lose attention at the drop of a hat amidst the sea of faces. Don’t take it personally.

Personally I hate when someone says how are you? Next message what bring you to tinder? How long have you been single?

This is pure personal opinion, but maybe change up your conversation starters. Once we did 20 questions and it was great fun!

Don't give up but just broaden your horizons .

You'll meet someone just get busy living life and you'll never know who you will meet.

I guess I'm guilty of being the type that goes silent, I make a match and then panic like my phone is a timebomb in my pocket until I delete the app in frustration at my lack of confidence.

>but apparently I'm a good looking guy

If it's just your mom who's telling you this then I'm afraid I have some bad news for you...

Seriously though, I find the same thing with tinder/bumble; plenty of matches but very few actual conversations and I've only actually met one woman in person in 14 months of being on these apps. I've come to the conclusion that its just left-swipe fatigue. People are swiping left so often that eventually they swipe right on you thinking "he'll do", but then when its actually a match they have a closer look and realize that you're ok but not that hot to them. So in other words you're better than most of what they are seeing but not ticking all their boxes so they just can't be bothered to make the effort and will continue on the eternal search for something better. So there will be some initial chit-chat as they just don't want to be rude and/or it is an ego boost to be getting messages from a match but when it comes to actually meeting you they'll cut it off because they have no real interest.

I'm not quite so concerned about seeming needy so I will try a second time if one of my messages goes unanswered but beyond that I figure they're just not that into me if they ignore two opportunities to start a conversation. If you look through your own right-swipes I expect you'd find the same. If every one of them was a match would you be delighted to speak to every one of them, or were many of them in the category of "he might do". Maybe its my age, I'm looking for women over 35, but fewer than 1 in 10 fall into the 'she might do category' and its probably 1 in 50 or fewer who I think are really hot. So even swiping through a couple of 100 profiles I might find maybe a handfull that I'd think are really hot and then what is the probability that they have also seen my profile and also think I'm hot ? So far its been roughly 0%. And that's despite my also having above average looks and my mom saying that I'm cool.

So in summary, it's a numbers game; so the more you swipe the better the chances of matching with someone who you actually think is hot and who feels the same. You try to decrease the disappointment by only right swiping on people you think are really hot but this can be depressing in another way, I have reached the end of both Tinder and Bumble on more than one occasion. It's just a blank profile with the words: "You're going to die alone"

Chiming in to say you're not alone. The apps are absolutely abysmal. I take the same approach as you and have a lot of conversations that flow, but it rarely goes beyond that and the amount of guys who match second and expect you to do all the work is unreal. If they're not bothered enough to say hi, why should I? Or the ones who ask nothing back - turns into an interview rather than a conversation!

I'd delete them entirely, but with the pandemic there's just no other way to meet people easily. I think only around 20% of people on them are actually interested in meeting anyone irl, the rest are just bored or something, but just know that it's not in your head.

As a heterosexual woman, I'm avoiding them from now on. I did give it a go and I managed to go for dinner with a very nice man, but there was just no spark for me there. Thankfully, he was one of the normal ones and didn't pursue it when I made it obvious I wasn't interested in seeing him again.

But I'm increasingly aware of risks with online dating. You just do not know the past history of people on there (unlike meeting them through friends, etc), whether they are really single or even who they say they are.

Anyway, my point is it happens to me too. I think there are a lot of people online who are looking for one very specific thing (casual sex) and if you don't respond in a way which makes them think you will be receptive to that, it doesn't matter how good your conversation is or how good your photos are. For women, I even think having photos where you are very attractive can work against you because so many men on there are looking for someone easy who will be grateful for any contact.

Even with the decent guy I mentioned above, I struggled to have any kind of conversation going. Maybe people are fed up with too much chat and never meeting, but I honestly think that a lot of people who use dating apps just can't hold a conversation and thats why they are on there. So lets say I matched with over a hundred different guys in 3 weeks on this dating app, nearly all of the messages they sent me were "hi" and often that was followed with "how r u?" and then when I would give them a chance and try to steer towards a conversation, I'd invariably get something like "So what are you looking for in a man?" or "Whats your ideal man?" rather than an actual conversation about many of the things you would have a conversation with a stranger about to break the ice.

Then theres all the ones who on the second or third reply would simply ask me if I wanted to go over to theirs that evening or if they could come round to mine. I think about 15 did that. Its really depressing. The tendency seemed to be to want to talk about sex almost straight away and if you didn't do that, you could have been Kyle crossed with Rachel Weisz and they still wouldn't make any effort! I'm 40, so maybe younger age groups are better, but from what my younger friends tell me, its exactly the same.

I agree with the poster above that dating apps are on their way out, although they're so easy and low effort, we will probably never get rid of them.

I've actually applied for Raya, as I have a couple of friends on it and have good photos from a bit of catalogue modelling, so lets see if I get in!

Have you tried Hinge, or only tinder?

Haven't tried Hinge, I imagine it's much the same.

Might give it a try, even if to just validate my own thesis

Do - it’s not just me but plenty say they have more success (particularly guys), it’s much less fickle/casual than tinder. True, you run out of people after a while as numbers aren’t so high on it in Ireland but definitely worth a shot trying a new one, you just never know. Even, as you say, to validate your own theory!

Honestly OP, I feel ya.

I can't really offer much advice. I'm peak age for it (first half of my 20s) and I too have issues with it. Most of my mates are the same. I've been on several dates (not a looker, I'm just at peak age of it), some have been lovely, no "weirdos" but it just feels so...artifical? I can't quite describe it. Initally I thought it was fab. So many options, so many matches etc etc.

But it means nothing. We're all overwhelmed by choice. Like you go on a few dates with someone and both of you have a catalogue of other options on your phone. There's always the "what if the next person I match with is better?" and I doubt that happened a decade ago (again I was in secondary school then haha). It's hard to be satisfied with what's in front of you when there's like 100+ people you haven't swiped on yet.

And idk. I know a few couples going out 6 months to 4 years so it clearly does work for some. But for me, idk, I love the dance. There's that magic of developing a crush and flirting during class/work/whatever and the drinks and the spilling of feelings. It's so exciting. That doesn't really happen with Tinder, like they kinda already know you're into them and vice versa. Not much ambiguity.

What I will say though, is I've heard Bumble and Hinge are much better for meeting people who are genuinely "looking". A lot on Tinder are just there for the ride or boredom or a self esteem boost.