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Endless silence on dating apps

eaglach

I've been single most of my life and have always been struggling to have any kind of successful dating life. This is not for the want of trying. I've downloaded plenty of dating apps and always seem to run into the same problem. You match with someone, strike up a conversation and then... nothing. They go silent after your last message for no apparent reason.

I've stubbornly also taken the approach of not messaging someone first unless I'm the one who matched with them i.e. if they're swiping and it pops up "it's a match" or whatever, I expect them to send the first message. In my eyes if someone is actually interested in you, they'll message you, otherwise I'll just assume they're a match collector. I also refuse to chase someone by messaging again after I sent the last message. Maybe I'm being silly, but to me I feel it'd come across as desperate.

Now I will caveat this by saying that I'm gay, but I'm guessing it's the same in straight dating. It's really getting to me lately. Just this week I was chatting to a guy on Tinder and the conversation was flowing. I decided to take a leap of faith early on in our chat and ask him for a coffee because I knew there was the very high chance of the conversation ending and never hearing from him again, as always happens. He was going to meet me there and then only that he was meeting another friend and decided to do it the next day. I sent the last message and never heard from him again.

I'm just finding it incredibly difficult to just get that initial date. I don't get it. I don't think I'm saying anything "wrong". Just your usual initial chit chat that you have to get over before getting into an actual conversation. It rarely goes beyond, or even reaches that stage. Now I'm far from cocky (people actually say I'm very modest) but apparently I'm a good looking guy. I thought this would work in my favour, but nope! I know there's other avenues for dating, like meeting people in bars or through groups / social activities, but it's a bit more difficult during covid (and when you're gay) so I focus on apps.

Is this just modern dating on apps or is there something I might be doing wrong?

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jams100

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118418965#Comment_118418965

Haven't tried Hinge, I imagine it's much the same.

Might give it a try, even if to just validate my own thesis

ebayissues

Very interesting to hear insights from woman's perspective.

As an average looking lad myself, I've struggled to get matches. With the ones I match with the ladies don't bother starting a conversation or replying to one.

Cycles of deleting and re-installing and seeing the same faces. So interesting that the women I'd rate as 8/10 are still there.. Average looking still there. So it would seem it's not just working if you're good looking or average.

Hinge, tinder, bumble.. as bad as each other

Dating apps are fickle, very fickle.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118418879#Comment_118418879

Have you tried Hinge, or only tinder?

jams100

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118416662#Comment_118416662

At least you get matches 😁

Having used Tinder recently, I found that I wasn't even getting any matches! (Average enough 25 year old guy, not particularly good looking, not particularly bad looking).

Is it a case that if your a lad and you don't pay premium on these apps that your just put right to the back of the queue?

They all seem like a waste of time to me anyway unless you want casual sex. It's very superficial too matching with someone based almost entirely on your looks?

In saying all this, it seems that one of my mates who recently set up tinder seems to be having some fun, although I think he's just looking for something casual atm, which feeds back into my earlier point.

For me personally these apps are all pretty demoralising and have only served to decrease my appetite for a relationship in the short term. It's all too easy to forget theres a human at the end of each "profile"

Salient Verb

As a heterosexual woman, I'm avoiding them from now on. I did give it a go and I managed to go for dinner with a very nice man, but there was just no spark for me there. Thankfully, he was one of the normal ones and didn't pursue it when I made it obvious I wasn't interested in seeing him again.

But I'm increasingly aware of risks with online dating. You just do not know the past history of people on there (unlike meeting them through friends, etc), whether they are really single or even who they say they are.

Anyway, my point is it happens to me too. I think there are a lot of people online who are looking for one very specific thing (casual sex) and if you don't respond in a way which makes them think you will be receptive to that, it doesn't matter how good your conversation is or how good your photos are. For women, I even think having photos where you are very attractive can work against you because so many men on there are looking for someone easy who will be grateful for any contact.

Even with the decent guy I mentioned above, I struggled to have any kind of conversation going. Maybe people are fed up with too much chat and never meeting, but I honestly think that a lot of people who use dating apps just can't hold a conversation and thats why they are on there. So lets say I matched with over a hundred different guys in 3 weeks on this dating app, nearly all of the messages they sent me were "hi" and often that was followed with "how r u?" and then when I would give them a chance and try to steer towards a conversation, I'd invariably get something like "So what are you looking for in a man?" or "Whats your ideal man?" rather than an actual conversation about many of the things you would have a conversation with a stranger about to break the ice.

Then theres all the ones who on the second or third reply would simply ask me if I wanted to go over to theirs that evening or if they could come round to mine. I think about 15 did that. Its really depressing. The tendency seemed to be to want to talk about sex almost straight away and if you didn't do that, you could have been Kyle crossed with Rachel Weisz and they still wouldn't make any effort! I'm 40, so maybe younger age groups are better, but from what my younger friends tell me, its exactly the same.

I agree with the poster above that dating apps are on their way out, although they're so easy and low effort, we will probably never get rid of them.

I've actually applied for Raya, as I have a couple of friends on it and have good photos from a bit of catalogue modelling, so lets see if I get in!

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118407924#Comment_118407924

Curious - on tinder you can’t message when you like somebody - do you mean you would expect a message once you hit like.

Maybe the guys are intimidated by your good looks? I consider myself average and get plenty of matches and loads of dates, I don’t think I’ve really ever encountered anyone I’ve chatted to who then didn’t want to meet. So maybe it’s your looks, or maybe it’s the guys you are going for - are they all super good looking too and therefore have everyone swiping on them?

[Deleted User]

Online dating has sucked for nearly 2 years man. Id say it's on the way out, or definitely loosing popularity.

No harm probably. It works for some and not others.

The amount of people I come across that look nothing in real life like they do in there online profile photo's is amazing.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366887#Comment_118366887

I don't know if you use Tinder, but if you swipe and it comes up "match" or whatever, I will immediately message the guy. If I go on the app and see that a guy had matched with me (i.e. he saw the screen saying "match") then I'd expect him to message. It screams match collector if you match with someone and don't bother to send them any message.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118391357#Comment_118391357

I'm trying to be modest. It's hard to say you're good looking without sounding like a twat! Based on what everyone tells me and the attention I get generally, I would give myself an 8/10. I would have thought I'd have been in good standing on the apps, but seems not to be the case.

I currently have 15 matches. 3 of them matched with me and never messaged. Every single one of the rest of them I have sent the last message. Most of those last messages were mid conversation, as in they have plenty of room to continue if they wanted to. Not just a boring one word response from me.

I'm tempted to just regularly uninstall and reinstall so that I can match with the same guys again. It tends to reset the conversation and hopefully one of them will agree to meet in person and get off the torture that is these apps.

Canard

Chiming in to say you're not alone. The apps are absolutely abysmal. I take the same approach as you and have a lot of conversations that flow, but it rarely goes beyond that and the amount of guys who match second and expect you to do all the work is unreal. If they're not bothered enough to say hi, why should I? Or the ones who ask nothing back - turns into an interview rather than a conversation!

I'd delete them entirely, but with the pandemic there's just no other way to meet people easily. I think only around 20% of people on them are actually interested in meeting anyone irl, the rest are just bored or something, but just know that it's not in your head.

JoChervil

Maybe you should apply a solution from "secretary problem" to stop and chose.

ZoZoZo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058223993/endless-silence-on-dating-apps

>but apparently I'm a good looking guy

If it's just your mom who's telling you this then I'm afraid I have some bad news for you...

Seriously though, I find the same thing with tinder/bumble; plenty of matches but very few actual conversations and I've only actually met one woman in person in 14 months of being on these apps. I've come to the conclusion that its just left-swipe fatigue. People are swiping left so often that eventually they swipe right on you thinking "he'll do", but then when its actually a match they have a closer look and realize that you're ok but not that hot to them. So in other words you're better than most of what they are seeing but not ticking all their boxes so they just can't be bothered to make the effort and will continue on the eternal search for something better. So there will be some initial chit-chat as they just don't want to be rude and/or it is an ego boost to be getting messages from a match but when it comes to actually meeting you they'll cut it off because they have no real interest.

I'm not quite so concerned about seeming needy so I will try a second time if one of my messages goes unanswered but beyond that I figure they're just not that into me if they ignore two opportunities to start a conversation. If you look through your own right-swipes I expect you'd find the same. If every one of them was a match would you be delighted to speak to every one of them, or were many of them in the category of "he might do". Maybe its my age, I'm looking for women over 35, but fewer than 1 in 10 fall into the 'she might do category' and its probably 1 in 50 or fewer who I think are really hot. So even swiping through a couple of 100 profiles I might find maybe a handfull that I'd think are really hot and then what is the probability that they have also seen my profile and also think I'm hot ? So far its been roughly 0%. And that's despite my also having above average looks and my mom saying that I'm cool.

So in summary, it's a numbers game; so the more you swipe the better the chances of matching with someone who you actually think is hot and who feels the same. You try to decrease the disappointment by only right swiping on people you think are really hot but this can be depressing in another way, I have reached the end of both Tinder and Bumble on more than one occasion. It's just a blank profile with the words: "You're going to die alone"

Tell me how

There's just so many reasons why apps are a quantity over quality dating experience. Building a flowing conversation can be next to impossible because for one reason that the 2 people could be in a very different place at that moment and so 'Any plans for the weekend?' from one person as they think about their plans on Thursday evening can hit very differently for someone who is looking at working 3 12 hours shifts in the next 3 days or whatever. And that goes for most conversations throughout the week. Even if one person is having a bad day while the other is in great form, the vibe can be way off leading one of them to unmatch and move on.

Another think that works against apps, or the experience of the people using them is <Mod Snip> the paradox of choice.

When you hope to fall madly in love, or to find your perfect match, it is too easy to pass potential opportunities thinking the next one will be 'the one'. And so people don't put effort in to really engaging with some matches because while there might be some reason that they swiped right on them, they don't invest enough to make a meaningful connection. And I think people can sometimes play both roles in these types of scenarios, just maybe at different times.

Montage of Feck

I guess I'm guilty of being the type that goes silent, I make a match and then panic like my phone is a timebomb in my pocket until I delete the app in frustration at my lack of confidence.

a2deden

I havent used Tinder/other apps since i left Toronto and returned home (got married). But it took me a really short time to realize the what do you do, how are you stuff doesnt work

I used to just ask "do you want to build a snowman" lol or "Ive seen your photograph, but baby i need more than that"

I know guys who just found a good line from a song and it was what they used to get a conversation going. Its very easy to be boring on these apps without actually being a boring person in real life

Being hot always helps, some of my friends would be considered such and did well at the start but often struggled to get far

2 fast

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366231#Comment_118366231

Personally I hate when someone says how are you? Next message what bring you to tinder? How long have you been single?

This is pure personal opinion, but maybe change up your conversation starters. Once we did 20 questions and it was great fun!

Don't give up but just broaden your horizons .

You'll meet someone just get busy living life and you'll never know who you will meet.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366887#Comment_118366887

This is a good post, OP.

Don't overthink things. You're by no means in the minority.

bitofabind

Maybe the guys you’re matching with are also taking the view that if you were interested, you’d message first? It’s a bit counter-productive to think that way on a dating app, since no-one would message anyone and no dates would be had by anyone by that logic.

Message first when you match. Why not? What have you got to lose? Plus you’re doubling your odds of getting dates immediately.

Also, apps dehumanise everyone. The swiping makes people forget there’s humans on the other side of it, so conversations will start and stop and people will lose attention at the drop of a hat amidst the sea of faces. Don’t take it personally.

TheadoreT

Try standing out from the repetitive small talk that most people send. There's probably a very small % of people where their looks alone will get them dates but for everyone else it's who sells themselves best. Be creative, be fun. There's endless amount of time in the future to find out the boring stuff like jobs ect but if you can't just go off the cuff with something humorous or interesting you'll bore most people. There's more attraction in the counterintuitive than intuitive so don't be overly concerned who sends who the first message. Send 20 messages as first message, go off on an insane tangent... own your neediness by being almost OTT jokingly needy.

If you're not getting dates its down to your personality, or how much you're inhibiting your personality. People take that to heart but it's just practice like anything, and stop giving a f*ck.

Sonics2k

Dating apps are an incredibly efficient way to absolutely crush your confidence and spirit, more so for men than women, but still happens.

Apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and all those are a Law of Averages type game. Whether its in terms of matches, or even responses. The average straight woman is going to get an awful lot more messages than the average straight man, largely out of pure numbers, eg the ratio of men to women on dating apps.

It's also important to remember that dating apps are set up in a way, and configured, to encourage men to go to 'premium' versions of the App. They also typically charge men more than women.

Unfortunately with a lot of matches people just swipe as a confidence thing (men and women do this) because they like that serotonin hit when they get a match.

Keep at it if you want to, but just remember that sadly the success rate on most dating apps is quite low.

[Deleted User]

The vast majority of dating app matches/conversations go nowhere and for a myriad of reasons.

Some people do indeed just collect matches.
Some people just don't spend much time on the app.
Conversation doesn't flow and becomes a chore to keep it going.
Too many matches to keep up with all conversations.
Etc, etc.

Women friends of mine get greeted with silence too and when I match with women on Tinder and ask how they've been getting on, a large number of them say "nobody talks on here."

So the whole "just be good looking" is a load of bollocks.

Mister Vain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118366231#Comment_118366231

That's generally the way I message people too and I always end up with the same result as yourself, so you're not alone. I get a decent amount of matches but I find most of the women make no effort with the conversation. It's like I'm the one asking all the questions but they never ask anything back and eventually it just fizzles out.

In saying that, a girl did respond to me yesterday saying she's free for a date after I asked her over 3 weeks ago. I'm thinking she might have had a couple of dates in that time and they didn't work out, but I'll see how it goes.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118364200#Comment_118364200

Nah definitely not. I'm rarely able to get beyond the introductions stage. Typically it goes along the lines of - How are you. Where are you from. What do you do. What brings you to Tinder / what are you up to. Try to lead it into a hobby discussion etc.

All of that is phrased better of course. Maybe I'm meant to be instantly witty and open with some funny statement!

[Deleted User]

Clearly OP, and I am trying to be constructive here, there is something you are saying that is unattractive. Maybe you are trying to be witty, or something, but whatever you say, comes across unattractive. The more and more I read your post, it appears to me that this is the issue.

I will also say, I've had the exact same issues (although I'm straight).

My advice? Say less, meet more. Once you get over that leap, things get better.

All the best. *superlike*

[Deleted User]

I absolutely hate dating apps. I’m not that good at recognising when someone’s flirting and tend to always be up for a chat.

I’ve met up with guys and it’s ended up as a chat about random stuff, and they just get weird and passive aggressive about me not being full on enough.

I’ve also had incidents of guys finding me on Twitter (from a Tinder profile) and then getting all aggressive because I didn’t respond how they expected. I was just chatty..

I also had a guy I know for years on twitter suddenly come on very strong by DM and then go weird because I didn’t really know what to make of it.

Honestly, there are times I’m not sure I even know how to respond to people anymore. I just want to go for pints, coffee, dinner … If stuff happens - it happens.

However, I’m at the stage I’ve given up on dating. If I randomly bump into someone nice, cool. If I don’t, also cool. I’m just not really into the hook up swipe left / swipe right thing. It leaves me cold.

My advice would be to go to bars, get involved with activities and get talking to real people.

completedit

Be attractive 2. Don't be unattractive

Really it's that simple.

______________________________

Mod Note:

@completedit it's really not that simple. If it was there would be no Relationship Issues. Also "attractive" is very subjective. Your post in it's simplicity has the potential to make a poster feel even worse about themselves.