Confused about what he meant. Also how I can improve myself and the relationship

darjeeling12 · 28-12-2021 04:02PM #1

So on. 26th December my bf got very angry at me I assume bc I did pattern of not responding of his calls (I only texted) He got upset I think and told me to not text him again after I didn't pick a call....

After few apologizes and small gift I bought for him he started talking to me and fold me he wants to make me better person and if I want us to be ok I should be serious and active... Idk what he meant but I love him. I aodre him. He is very smart, interesting, handsome and caring (he even offered his help about my female clothing store) and I want us to be fine. How can I improve the relationship and what he truly meant?

TheadoreT · 28-12-2021 07:10PM

Why did you ignore the calls? Did you explain at the time why you couldn't/didn't want to answer? If you did then he's overreacting, if you didn't it could make someone with trust issues spiral.

darjeeling12 · 28-12-2021 07:13PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118383066#Comment_118383066

I explained in my apologies after and when I gave him the gift. And the last time earlier today. So i told him that 3 times after this mishap... Any idea what he meant by making me better person and so on .... That message confused me

darjeeling12 · 28-12-2021 07:21PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118383066#Comment_118383066

Honestly i prefer if he tells me when he is gonna call like planning unless it's urgent situation. I have **** family and I don't want them ruining our relationship

darjeeling12 · 28-12-2021 07:22PM

TheadoreT · 28-12-2021 07:46PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118383126#Comment_118383126

How would your family being s*it hinder you from taking calls?

If that's the excuse you gave him then it probably compounded his confusion.

He doesn't sound all that secure which may be problematic for the relationship going forward but if you want it to work with that sort of character you need give them constant reassurance and not act in ways that could be perceived as sketchy.

darjeeling12 · 28-12-2021 07:59PM

If my family hears us talking they might try to create some sort of drama by lying or something to separate us. I have been in such situation before with friends. Plus they are nosy and I don't like gossips.

Idk how do you know he isn't secure but I think you are right. He often asks me how can I prove my love and that I want to do everything with him.

He is very attractive tho so idk why he is insecure. Women find him attractive overall.

YellowLead · 29-12-2021 08:45PM

How to improve the relationship? Communication is a good place to start. The most important thing really. Just ask him what he meant! Asking you to be more ‘serious and active’ is open to interpretation, just like you ignoring his calls was for him

29-12-2021 09:06PM

Is there a bit of an idiomatic language barrier at play, perhaps?

JimmyAlfonso · 29-12-2021 09:18PM

Maybe he just has a busy life too and wants a quick call to catch up and make plans instead of having a 4 hour text tennis match. This is repeatedly occurring is very frustrating.

It is very rude to continuously ignore calls. I'm sure you can find a quite spot to take a 5 minute call

darjeeling12 · 29-12-2021 09:26PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388232#Comment_118388232

Well there isn't always. I wish we can plan calls ahead for now unless it's some super urgent situation. I also didn't know he takes it that serious.

darjeeling12 · 29-12-2021 09:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388165#Comment_118388165

I don't think so

darjeeling12 · 29-12-2021 09:27PM

darjeeling12 · 29-12-2021 09:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388063#Comment_118388063

I didn't know he would get that upset...

micah537 · 29-12-2021 09:33PM

You aren't going out that long are you?

Making you a better person and having to prove you love him is not good. Sounds like he has issues and will try to break you with insults, make you feel insecure and start doubting yourself. Thread carefully or take a long think of where this relationship is going.

If you want to text you text. It's not your problem if he prefers phone calls. You don't just drop everything for some insecure, immature little man.

darjeeling12 · 29-12-2021 11:02PM

He isn't immature...he has stable job and is usually caring and kind. Anyway probably he had bad day plus if one ignores your calls a lot it's rude.

micah537 · 29-12-2021 11:21PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388842#Comment_118388842

Having a stable job doesn't make you mature. It's not difficult to achieve a stable job.

"After few apologizes and small gift I bought for him he started talking to me and fold me he wants to make me better person" This is nothing other than immaturity. Why did it take a few?

If he is kind and caring why would he say he will make you a better person, why would he need you to prove your love?

As I said in my previous post that you will start doubting yourself, you have already made excuses to make his attitude sound normal and blame yourself. " Anyway probably he had bad day plus if one ignores your calls a lot it's rude"

airy fairy · 29-12-2021 11:38PM

Sounds like a control freak to me.

You have your reasons for accepting phonecalls/texts which is understandable, lots of us carry heavy loads when it comes to family.

But his making you a better person tells me that he's not happy with you right now and wants to mould you into his type of better person.

Steer clear. You can't change him. He will only get worse. He sounds like he needs his grip on you.

Your post screams like you've fallen for him and he knows this and is is beginning to control you.

Fandymo · 29-12-2021 11:58PM

Sounds like the beginning of coercive control. If you don’t do what he wants he punishes you with the cold shoulder, and he wants to make you a “better” (i.e. more obedient to his needs) person.

Tell me how · 30-12-2021 12:09AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058224683/confused-about-what-he-meant-also-how-i-can-improve-myself-and-the-relationship

After few apologizes and small gift I bought for him he started talking to me and fold me he wants to make me better person and if I want us to be ok I should be serious and active... Idk what he meant but I love him.

Bit in bold in particular is a serious red flag.

He got the hump, let you come to him, and when you did, he implied that you were the one that needed to change and that you were in some way not up to scratch right now. He could have told you why he felt annoyed (which he probably had some right to) and maybe acknowledged that he needed to work at managing that but he made it clear you are the problem and you should thank him for him wanting to improve you.

Your post could be the focus of a 20 minute YouTube video on the topic of gaslighting.

If you want to work on improving yourself as the thread title suggests, maybe consider it from the perspective of knowing your worth and standing up for yourself. After that you can see if you are comfortable with focusing on his needs. This relationship might not last such an exercise, but you will have more chance at finding a meaningful and fulfilling one if you identify the things that need attention first.

darjeeling12 · 30-12-2021 09:20AM

It wasn't normal for me to ignore his calls for 2 weeks straight.... He is right this time. I know he should have handled it better and probably don't say certain things but if he was extra annoyed I would understand.

Plus there is another thing that might have annoyed him as well

JimmyVik · 30-12-2021 09:30AM

Dont text people.

Go outside and make quick phone call explaining how its nice to talk and you were busy and couldnt take the call earlier but have come out to talk and will call again when you get another chance to speak longer which you are looking forward to. No ambiguity there.

Texting ... jesus wept. Its like when you google a medical question. You get all sorts of meanings to it when its usually nothing.

darrencan1988 · 30-12-2021 09:39AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058224683/confused-about-what-he-meant-also-how-i-can-improve-myself-and-the-relationship

If you have to come onto this website and ask for help instead of sitting down and actually communicating with your other half that explains the problem if I have any questions about my other half I speak to them directly and actually work things out. I think you both need to sit down and talk or go your own way as I think both of you may have your own issues going on.

darjeeling12 · 30-12-2021 09:47AM

Sometimes I use the forums to vent sort of. But yeah I know communication is important

FishOnABike · 30-12-2021 10:31AM

It wasn't normal for me to ignore his calls for 2 weeks straight....

Plus there is another thing that might have annoyed him as well

If you are looking for advice it would help if you give the full picture at the beginning.

From your original post it would have been reasonable to conclude that you just hadn't been able to answer his calls on just one specific day. Personally, if I thought I was being blanked for two weeks I would think the other person wasn't really that into me and consider if I should end the relationship and look for someone else who was available and in to me.

Without knowing what the other thing that might have annoyed him nobody can give helpful advice.

Communication is key in any relationship.

darjeeling12 · 30-12-2021 10:42AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118389967#Comment_118389967

I am usually horny around him and he lowkey thought that's all I want from him.

As far as calls I prefer texts that's for sure. I would prefer if he plan calls ahead unless it's urgent situation but idk how to tell him that. Sometimes he calls when I sleep, I qm sick..

airy fairy · 30-12-2021 10:44AM

Communication aside, I still think his idea to make you a better person is not the right response.

If he f*****d you out of it, told you to f off and such, I'd be less worried than his response which was to make you a better person.

I don't think texting is the way to go, but a quick acknowledgement of his phonecall or text is common manners. 'hi, got your message, I'm not ignoring you, up to my eyes, will ring you at 9' kind of response would be fine.

darjeeling12 · 30-12-2021 10:49AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390013#Comment_118390013

I tried telling him that when he called me on Christmas. He immediately dropped - Don't text me again...

Would planning calls ahead would be odd? It wouldn't be permanent just for now unless it's urgent

Pawwed Rig · 30-12-2021 10:50AM

Who plans calls in advance to their bf/gf?It is not a client meeting ffs.

You both sound very immature to me. At the start of the thread I assumed you were 14 or 15 but as you say he has a job I am now thinking 17 and 19. Would that be right?

I think you are both too immature for the intensity of this relationship so would be better of just hanging out rather than 'proving' anything to each other.

darjeeling12 · 30-12-2021 10:52AM

He is 30.... i am in my 20s

And idk who plans their calls? Sometimes compromise is needed.

darjeeling12 · 30-12-2021 10:54AM

Idk how I am immature even. I wasn't rude/vulgar. Tried to apologize to him cos I like him and I hate when people feel bad towards me. Yeah I didn respond his calls. Doesn't make me immature

Confused about what he meant. Also how I can improve myself and the relationship

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