Confused about what he meant. Also how I can improve myself and the relationship

darjeeling12

So on. 26th December my bf got very angry at me I assume bc I did pattern of not responding of his calls (I only texted) He got upset I think and told me to not text him again after I didn't pick a call....

After few apologizes and small gift I bought for him he started talking to me and fold me he wants to make me better person and if I want us to be ok I should be serious and active... Idk what he meant but I love him. I aodre him. He is very smart, interesting, handsome and caring (he even offered his help about my female clothing store) and I want us to be fine. How can I improve the relationship and what he truly meant?

TheadoreT

Why did you ignore the calls? Did you explain at the time why you couldn't/didn't want to answer? If you did then he's overreacting, if you didn't it could make someone with trust issues spiral.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118383066#Comment_118383066

I explained in my apologies after and when I gave him the gift. And the last time earlier today. So i told him that 3 times after this mishap... Any idea what he meant by making me better person and so on .... That message confused me

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118383066#Comment_118383066

Honestly i prefer if he tells me when he is gonna call like planning unless it's urgent situation. I have **** family and I don't want them ruining our relationship

darjeeling12

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118383126#Comment_118383126

How would your family being s*it hinder you from taking calls?

If that's the excuse you gave him then it probably compounded his confusion.

He doesn't sound all that secure which may be problematic for the relationship going forward but if you want it to work with that sort of character you need give them constant reassurance and not act in ways that could be perceived as sketchy.

darjeeling12

If my family hears us talking they might try to create some sort of drama by lying or something to separate us. I have been in such situation before with friends. Plus they are nosy and I don't like gossips.

Idk how do you know he isn't secure but I think you are right. He often asks me how can I prove my love and that I want to do everything with him.

He is very attractive tho so idk why he is insecure. Women find him attractive overall.

YellowLead

How to improve the relationship? Communication is a good place to start. The most important thing really. Just ask him what he meant! Asking you to be more ‘serious and active’ is open to interpretation, just like you ignoring his calls was for him

Is there a bit of an idiomatic language barrier at play, perhaps?

JimmyAlfonso

Maybe he just has a busy life too and wants a quick call to catch up and make plans instead of having a 4 hour text tennis match. This is repeatedly occurring is very frustrating.

It is very rude to continuously ignore calls. I'm sure you can find a quite spot to take a 5 minute call

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388232#Comment_118388232

Well there isn't always. I wish we can plan calls ahead for now unless it's some super urgent situation. I also didn't know he takes it that serious.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388165#Comment_118388165

I don't think so

darjeeling12

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388063#Comment_118388063

I didn't know he would get that upset...

micah537

You aren't going out that long are you?

Making you a better person and having to prove you love him is not good. Sounds like he has issues and will try to break you with insults, make you feel insecure and start doubting yourself. Thread carefully or take a long think of where this relationship is going.

If you want to text you text. It's not your problem if he prefers phone calls. You don't just drop everything for some insecure, immature little man.

darjeeling12

He isn't immature...he has stable job and is usually caring and kind. Anyway probably he had bad day plus if one ignores your calls a lot it's rude.

micah537

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118388842#Comment_118388842

Having a stable job doesn't make you mature. It's not difficult to achieve a stable job.

"After few apologizes and small gift I bought for him he started talking to me and fold me he wants to make me better person" This is nothing other than immaturity. Why did it take a few?

If he is kind and caring why would he say he will make you a better person, why would he need you to prove your love?

As I said in my previous post that you will start doubting yourself, you have already made excuses to make his attitude sound normal and blame yourself. " Anyway probably he had bad day plus if one ignores your calls a lot it's rude"

airy fairy

Sounds like a control freak to me.

You have your reasons for accepting phonecalls/texts which is understandable, lots of us carry heavy loads when it comes to family.

But his making you a better person tells me that he's not happy with you right now and wants to mould you into his type of better person.

Steer clear. You can't change him. He will only get worse. He sounds like he needs his grip on you.

Your post screams like you've fallen for him and he knows this and is is beginning to control you.

Fandymo

Sounds like the beginning of coercive control. If you don’t do what he wants he punishes you with the cold shoulder, and he wants to make you a “better” (i.e. more obedient to his needs) person.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058224683/confused-about-what-he-meant-also-how-i-can-improve-myself-and-the-relationship

After few apologizes and small gift I bought for him he started talking to me and fold me he wants to make me better person and if I want us to be ok I should be serious and active... Idk what he meant but I love him.

Bit in bold in particular is a serious red flag.

He got the hump, let you come to him, and when you did, he implied that you were the one that needed to change and that you were in some way not up to scratch right now. He could have told you why he felt annoyed (which he probably had some right to) and maybe acknowledged that he needed to work at managing that but he made it clear you are the problem and you should thank him for him wanting to improve you.

Your post could be the focus of a 20 minute YouTube video on the topic of gaslighting.

If you want to work on improving yourself as the thread title suggests, maybe consider it from the perspective of knowing your worth and standing up for yourself. After that you can see if you are comfortable with focusing on his needs. This relationship might not last such an exercise, but you will have more chance at finding a meaningful and fulfilling one if you identify the things that need attention first.

darjeeling12

It wasn't normal for me to ignore his calls for 2 weeks straight.... He is right this time. I know he should have handled it better and probably don't say certain things but if he was extra annoyed I would understand.

Plus there is another thing that might have annoyed him as well

JimmyVik

Dont text people.

Go outside and make quick phone call explaining how its nice to talk and you were busy and couldnt take the call earlier but have come out to talk and will call again when you get another chance to speak longer which you are looking forward to. No ambiguity there.

Texting ... jesus wept. Its like when you google a medical question. You get all sorts of meanings to it when its usually nothing.

darrencan1988

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058224683/confused-about-what-he-meant-also-how-i-can-improve-myself-and-the-relationship

If you have to come onto this website and ask for help instead of sitting down and actually communicating with your other half that explains the problem if I have any questions about my other half I speak to them directly and actually work things out. I think you both need to sit down and talk or go your own way as I think both of you may have your own issues going on.

darjeeling12

Sometimes I use the forums to vent sort of. But yeah I know communication is important

FishOnABike

It wasn't normal for me to ignore his calls for 2 weeks straight....

Plus there is another thing that might have annoyed him as well

If you are looking for advice it would help if you give the full picture at the beginning.

From your original post it would have been reasonable to conclude that you just hadn't been able to answer his calls on just one specific day. Personally, if I thought I was being blanked for two weeks I would think the other person wasn't really that into me and consider if I should end the relationship and look for someone else who was available and in to me.

Without knowing what the other thing that might have annoyed him nobody can give helpful advice.

Communication is key in any relationship.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118389967#Comment_118389967

I am usually horny around him and he lowkey thought that's all I want from him.

As far as calls I prefer texts that's for sure. I would prefer if he plan calls ahead unless it's urgent situation but idk how to tell him that. Sometimes he calls when I sleep, I qm sick..

airy fairy

Communication aside, I still think his idea to make you a better person is not the right response.

If he f*****d you out of it, told you to f off and such, I'd be less worried than his response which was to make you a better person.

I don't think texting is the way to go, but a quick acknowledgement of his phonecall or text is common manners. 'hi, got your message, I'm not ignoring you, up to my eyes, will ring you at 9' kind of response would be fine.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390013#Comment_118390013

I tried telling him that when he called me on Christmas. He immediately dropped - Don't text me again...

Would planning calls ahead would be odd? It wouldn't be permanent just for now unless it's urgent

Pawwed Rig

Who plans calls in advance to their bf/gf?It is not a client meeting ffs.

You both sound very immature to me. At the start of the thread I assumed you were 14 or 15 but as you say he has a job I am now thinking 17 and 19. Would that be right?

I think you are both too immature for the intensity of this relationship so would be better of just hanging out rather than 'proving' anything to each other.

darjeeling12

He is 30.... i am in my 20s

And idk who plans their calls? Sometimes compromise is needed.

darjeeling12

Idk how I am immature even. I wasn't rude/vulgar. Tried to apologize to him cos I like him and I hate when people feel bad towards me. Yeah I didn respond his calls. Doesn't make me immature

FishOnABike

I'd look hard at the unhealthy level of control / interference your family appear to have. At 20s and 30 your relationships are none of their business. It's something I'd expect of overbearing parents with a teenager, not with an adult.

I wouldn't expect to have to answer immediately every time he phones but it is reasonable to call him back later, when it is convenient, equally for you to call him back and for him to expect a call back.

I'd find having to schedule calls, other than a wide window like "I'm usually free in the evening, after 7pm.... or similar" , rather bizarre. Sometimes he may just want a chat, insisting on text only seems very restricting and unsatisfactory. If a partner didn't appear to want to talk to me for two weeks I'd be wondering about our relationship.

Is there a cultural element to the influence your family appear to have on the situation? Your phraseology indicates to me English may not be your first language.

Maybe my family are more live and let live types who don't interfere and let people live their own lives but in the unlikely event they did try to interfere they know they would be told, not very poiltely to put it mildly, to keep their opinions to themselves.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390275#Comment_118390275

I am from Europe. They are just toxic is all. Well I would like if he calls during the mornings for example. That is all.

And when I don't respond to calls I still text etc. It's not like I ghosted him completely.

darjeeling12

And their actions aren't my fault. I could work only on myself not anyone's esle actions.

It's not cool and I am sad with the situation as well

Deeec

Op when he calls you can you not go outside or into another room and take his call. Not being able to take his calls for 2 weeks because of your family is strange and rude.

Planned calls with someone you are in a relationship with is madness ( unless you are in work). Im guessing you are in separate countries at the moment given this messing around has been going on for 2 weeks.

If you want this relationship to go anywhere you need to stand up to your family and be proud of your boyfriend. You also need to sit down with him and find out what exactly he meant - also tell him this upset you. Being honest I think he said it out of pure annoyance and frustration of you ignoring his calls.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390346#Comment_118390346

So you don't think he was serious then?

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390346#Comment_118390346

But well going to another room doesn't help. I always try my best for the relationship. He told me the gift thing of my apology irked him and told me - what I way to show affection. Now you know better.

darjeeling12

I didn't know he would get that upset about the calls but then again he didn't say it was the thing that made him upset. Could have been the fact I always feel like doing sexual things with him,. This, or the fact I get jealous from time to time which he considers petty.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390416#Comment_118390416

People say things that they dont really mean when they are annoyed - He sounds like he is very annoyed that you are not taking his calls. He probably thinks you have found someone else and are losing interest in him. Have you explained to him what your family are like.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390421#Comment_118390421

No I dont know better at all - you need to talk to him to see what he did mean.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390447#Comment_118390447

I just copied my messages I received from him. He told me the gift thing irked him and he said - What a way to show affection. Now you know better.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390443#Comment_118390443

I mentioned in the past but didn't give lots of details really

BingCrosbee

He’s a wonderful boyfriend, offering to improve you. Get out now.

FishOnABike

Does your boyfriend know how difficult and toxic your family situation is? If not you need to have a very honest conversation with him if he is to have any hope of understanding the lack of communication.

Let him know morning is the best time to call and talk to him then, out of earshot of interfering family if possible. If you give him a window of opportunity where it's easier for you to talk, answer his calls then. It's not reasonable for him to expect you to answer immediately any time, day or night but it's equally not reasonable for you to cut off all conversation.

You're not going to solve a communication problem by text (says he on a message board 🙄) so talking to your boyfriend is important, make the time for it.

At some stage either your family will have to accept that your personal life is none of their business or you will have to make a choice between your boyfriend and your family - and if not this boyfriend, then some (or every) future one. Make that your choice, not their's. If they don't like your choice, that's their problem, not your's.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390546#Comment_118390546

I don't want to break up

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390560#Comment_118390560

Seems like we are okay now since he talks to me again thanks God but I willl explain it to him

I think our housing/accommodation situation isn’t exactly helping here, otherwise OP might be able to live apart from controlling family. I would hate to think that this boyfriend who wants to “improve” OP looks to be a potential way of escaping the family, it could be like “moving from the frying pan to the fire”. There could be a codependency at play. Relationships need to be about anything but control and escapism.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390627#Comment_118390627

I am not using him to escape from someone else. That's rude to assume. There are just certain restrictions here due to covid and it's not easy to get a job without university degree. Right now I work to get a degree.

If I agreed to be in relationship with him , I definitely love him a lot.

Deeec

Darjeeling - Are you in a different country at the moment than your boyfriend.

darjeeling12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118390710#Comment_118390710

No , different city but still far away . Will return soon

nj27

You've apologised three times a day to this n and he's still at you over it? I'd dump him like radioactive waste!