He cancelled our date last minute

seenitall · 07-12-2021 04:04PM

Having read the whole thread, I’m also in the camp of it sounds like there was an excuse after excuse because ultimately the guy has some issue around getting into a more intimate scenario with the OP. Even the headache thing brings that kind of an association with it. But yeah, that’s also just my speculation, or intuition if you will.

What I would do now is not mention it again, just behave as nothing happened, and see how the whole thing proceeds. I’d say he sounds into you on the whole, but he may have not been completely honest about whatever issue is problematic around getting closer, one-on-one, intimacy for him. That’s about the thought that I would be getting out of the situation. I’d say it also sounds like things should be crystallising soon enough here. Proceed cautiously and rationally, OP. I hope it goes well, good luck.

JoChervil · 08-12-2021 01:16AM

I might be completely wrong but I get a vibe that it is somehow alcohol related.

He might have had too heavy hangover, which didn't clear out as soon as he expected, or had too many "one for the road" with guys, which carried him away.

You mentioned that all other 8 dates were not private. So answer yourself the question, were they drinking sessions more than dates?

I would try to figure it out, because if it is alcohol related, I would be very wary.

osarusan · 08-12-2021 01:28AM

OP, some of these posts about how the guy was actually out on the lash, or was just looking for an easy shag, are sad stuff, and should be ignored.

08-12-2021 03:37AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118288139#Comment_118288139

If you combined all of the projection of the last 20 years on boards, it still wouldn't come close to the amount of projection in this post.

You've quite literally invented an entire universe where OP is dating an alcoholic, because he cancelled a date.

Zak Flaps · 08-12-2021 05:56AM

Has there been any contact with him since Saturday?

JoChervil · 08-12-2021 12:10PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118288328#Comment_118288328

Well, I wonder, who is projecting here with a such exaggeration... I only asked the question to exclude one possibility, which is an important one.

08-12-2021 12:26PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118289323#Comment_118289323

In fairness, it is a hell of reach to go from the opening post to the possibility of a drinking problem of which the OP should be “wary”

JoChervil · 08-12-2021 12:29PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118289423#Comment_118289423

I got this vibe from ALL OP's posts in this thread, not only from the opening one.

bottlebrush · 08-12-2021 10:51PM

OP did you know him before you started dating or do you only know him a month? The reason he gave for cancelling the date may or may not be true, who knows, and although he only lives 15 minutes away, do you know anything about him besides what he told you himself.

struck1 · 08-12-2021 11:53PM

Okay so we spoke since and things have cooled down a lot! He messaged me asking if we were okay, and I said there was no issue and that I was just really disappointed he couldn't make it. He said he was worried he had ruined things. We're back to our normal texting now and he wants to meet again this week.

I get the feeling though that he is a very flaky individual. Not only has he cancelled dates last minute but he is soooo bad at texting. It's like he just abandons conversations in the middle of the day and then gets back to me hours later! I wonder if it's just a personality trait?

Evergreen_7 · 09-12-2021 12:50AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118277194#Comment_118277194

This is terrible advice. They aren’t even in an established relationship yet. I know couples married 10 years and they don’t feel they have the right to check each other’s phones

09-12-2021 12:59AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293439#Comment_118293439

I'm starting to see why yar man might have cancelled the date.

------------------------------

Warned for Breach of the Charter

rainbowtrout · 09-12-2021 01:27AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293439#Comment_118293439

Whatever about the cancelling, some people have work to do and don't have all day to spend texting.

osarusan · 09-12-2021 01:36AM

OP, you seem to have fairly rigid ideas of how somebody 'should' behave if interested in another person romantically, and you read a lot into occasions when he doesn't conform to those ideas.

I don't think either of those ideas/habits are good for you.

Hannibal_Smith · 09-12-2021 08:10AM

I think your expectations regarding texting are very high and are unsustainable. It can't and won't continue like that. He has other things going on and will put the phone down to get on with it. It may even be that he's texting friends or family. It doesn't make him flaky at all. So I think you are going to have to manage those expectations.

Jequ0n · 09-12-2021 09:07AM

OP, do you need a lot of attention and validation in general? Because that seems to be where you two are disconnected.

Tbh when he told you that he was worried that he had ruined things you had a chance to build a bridge by admitting partial fault too (for flying off the handle and making accusations), but it seems a little bit like you enjoyed him being uncomfortable. It’s not really the best ground for the next date, and most people would find this very off putting. That’s not what you want to hear, but you don’t seem to register how your own behaviour and expectations are far from ideal, too.

Idle Passerby · 09-12-2021 09:43AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293439#Comment_118293439

Yes, that's his personality. It's up to you to decide if you can live with him being a bit more blase about time keeping than you. My assumption is, probably not. If lax texting gets you this annoyed this early on, I can't see you putting up with someone whose regularly late or just forgets appointments completely. It's incredibly annoying but some people are like that, out of no intended malice.

struck1 · 09-12-2021 09:49AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293719#Comment_118293719

I'm honestly confused! All I said was that things were back to normal. Why would that suggest why he cancelled the date?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293792#Comment_118293792

I'm not talking about all day texting! I don't do that either. And he's far from a busy guy from what he tells me, but it may just be how he texts people in general. This paired with the last minute date cancellations he might just be very lax in these situations.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293810#Comment_118293810

I really think I do. It might be because I compare them to myself and how I would behave in that situation. That's why I thought that skipping out on dates and not being great at texting were just his personality traits and not a reflection on how he feels. But then you get people who say actions speak louder than words so I never know what to believe!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294007#Comment_118294007

I do honestly try to get over these kinds of things and force myself to think they're non-issues. It's hard not to feel a bit down when you know he's not doing anything and doesn't reply. This negativity was just compounded by the couple of dates he cancelled. I know some people can just not be in the mood to reply but like my comment above, I can't help comparing it to what I would do in that situation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294095#Comment_118294095

Certainly not! I'm nothing like that. One thing I would say about myself is that I do get frustrated in general with peoples texting behaviour, not just when dating. I've friends who would read a message and just never reply! I think it boils down to me being very polite and courteous (at least I like to think so) and I maybe expect it from others. It sounds like I'm expecting way too much from what I'm reading here!

And I did apologise for the accusations, but I wouldn't describe it as flying off the handle! I didn't get angry at all. I just asked that question. I think he was more worried about me asking to chat afterwards about it. He didn't understand why we would need to chat and thought everything was okay!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294167#Comment_118294167

This is all part of getting to know someone I guess. I could live with it if I knew it didn't mean anything more than that's just how he texts. I sometimes get sucked into online articles about dating behaviour (don't judge me!). You regularly read that if he doesn't have time to text you then he's just not that into you. They completely disregard someone's personality though!

Katgurl · 09-12-2021 09:51AM

TheadoreT · 09-12-2021 09:53AM

You haven't addressed the sex part. I know you said it's a non issue in the opening post but that may not be mutual. Its the elephant in the room here as its a crucial part of any early relationship blossoming, and I still think its at the core of whatever the issue is here regardless of who's side the hesitancy is on.

rainbowtrout · 09-12-2021 10:25AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294181#Comment_118294181

Depends on what you define as busy. You might think he's not busy because he's not at work or has the day off. He might have errands to run, or be catching up with a friend for lunch, calling over to his parents and having a chat with them, getting some laundry done etc etc. Can't spend all day going around with the phone glued to his hand. Long, drawn out text conversations can just be time sapping.

Hannibal_Smith · 09-12-2021 10:35AM

I do honestly try to get over these kinds of things and force myself to think they're non-issues. It's hard not to feel a bit down when you know he's not doing anything and doesn't reply. This negativity was just compounded by the couple of dates he cancelled. I know some people can just not be in the mood to reply but like my comment above, I can't help comparing it to what I would do in that situation.

You have to try and appreciate that others have things going on and they will at times not respond. You can't possibly reply to every text you get as soon as it comes in? If you do, then cut others some slack because that is a little outside what others would be able to stick to long term.

He's been honest, apologetic and accommodating of your feelings and still you are looking for signs that he may be taking the mick. On paper it doesn't make sense for you to be upset with him, but no matter what he says you're questioning things.

I do think you need to look at whether you're being fair on him. He seemed to have had a stressful weekend and tried to keep everyone happy.

YellowLead · 09-12-2021 10:38AM

OP you could also read a lot of articles that advise not to text too much, and that (generalisation here oops) men usually do not like to text a lot especially lengthy conversations and especially if it’s chit chat and not something immediately relevant. Guy I’m seeing at the moment used to say how about a phone call once the back and forth texting went on for a while.

To me he sounds about as into somebody as a person should be after only a month of dating. You guys aren’t even confirmed exclusive. Not to say it’s nothing heading that direction but it’s wise to be a little cautious and give people a bit of space to decide if you are what they want to pursue instead of chasing them.

Agree with another poster the sex thing is probably part of this especially it’s off the table for another long time.

09-12-2021 10:39AM

Ugh, interminable text message conversations are the worst. And the expectation that you have to reply. Can be awkward to finish them (usually I just do a ‘bye then, chat later’ or something similar). Hate them even in the early stages of a relationship.

Idle Passerby · 09-12-2021 10:59AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294181#Comment_118294181

OP, you seem incredibly wound up over an issue that to me would warrant no more than momentary annoyance, then forgotten. You barely know this guy, you haven't even been intimate yet. Is he really worth twisting yourself into knots over? If he's a relaxed individual and your quite tightly wound it seems a poor match to me.

I'd be more curious about how his sex issue could impact your potential relationship. The rest seems a non issue.

struck1 · 09-12-2021 12:38PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294207#Comment_118294207

Well there's nothing I can do about it. It's his medical issue! I think he should be okay very soon though.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294300#Comment_118294300

I don't know where the whole idea of him having his phone glued to his hand is coming from! I'm not keen on drawn out conversations either, but that's exactly what he's doing! I'd be fully okay not hearing from him for even 23 out of the 24 hours in a day. Short and sweet as they say! Probably just his texting style I guess.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294348#Comment_118294348

I don't expect that at all. I just find it jarring when no matter what time of the day I send a message he will always take hours to respond! I don't think it's because he's busy as I've sent him messages at all times of day and not once have gotten a message back within an hour. It's not a big deal by the way, I just mentioned it because it seemed to tie in with him cancelling dates last minute! I figure it must be just his texting style.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294364#Comment_118294364

Like I said above, I'd prefer a brief but consistent chat myself but he seems to draw conversations out over hours! You're right, I shouldn't read too much into it. I think a lot of these articles assume everyone lives in an ideal world where everyone is perfect!

How do you mean the sex thing is part of this? It wasn't my decision!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294474#Comment_118294474

I'm not the most successful on the dating scene so when I do find a man with potential I start to think about every little detail. It's probably an insecurity thing. I subconsciously might be thinking that the clock is always ticking and am I wasting my time on a guy that's not that into me. I had been hurt before when I found out a guy I was dating was still active on Tinder despite us being exclusive and maybe I'm being over protective of myself.

And it wasn't 'his sex issue'. He just had a medical procedure that prevented him from doing strenuous activity! He'll be back to normal very shortly.

09-12-2021 12:48PM

Eight dates in a month. "a guy that's not that into me."

jimwallace197 · 09-12-2021 01:16PM

The thing about it is, is that not everyone is like us and thats sometimes the biggest thing people have to get their heads around. I reckon the read feature on whatsapp is one of the worst things ever to be invented.

You sound a bit needy & insecure with regard to the relationship already, try & take a laid back approach. Dont forget you're still very young & probably a catch so dont worry if this doesnt work out, there's always plenty more around the corner.

You dont want to be sending out red flags too soon, wait until you at least have him properly before being entirely open on how you feel about everything.

JoChervil · 09-12-2021 01:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118295065#Comment_118295065

Eight social meetings, private intimate date cancelled...

jimwallace197 · 09-12-2021 01:31PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118295300#Comment_118295300

I think if they had gone on 8 sessions in a month & he was consistently instigating them, I think the OP would have been able to see that as a major red flag. You seem to be very sure that he's got some sort of alcohol problem. Alcholics dont tend to be always out on sessions, usually they most of their drinking behind doors. Much cheaper for them that way.

He cancelled our date last minute

Comments