Here I am, there you are

Many of us have evaluated relationships, family etc over the past eighteen months or so. Some are strengthened, some not. Some things come to an end, sad as that makes us feel, it may be for the best.

If a move to her hometown was to be a thing, would the cross fit, boxing & motorcycling that you could do here & in your current city be enough to sustain you while you settle in, get to know her friends?

Is her job or holiday entitlement enough for her to come here for a bit more than a holiday to evaluate what her life might be like in Ireland?

Only you know if either of those might be worth the effort. If not, maybe it’s time to call a halt. Heartbreaking & sad as that might be, would it be for your best, hers, both or neither?

I'd break this down into two parts.

1. What to do about your relationship
2. Do you want to stay in Canada?

From what you're telling us here, your relationship sounds pretty terrible. A 2½ year relationship isn't something to throw away lightly but it doesn't seem to be bringing you much happiness. You should be looking forward to getting back to Canada to see your girlfriend, not feeling anxious and delaying a flight. You don't have much nice to say about her either and she sounds like somebody who's hard work. Added to that, you're going to be flying back fully expecting to be in the doghouse. What does that say about the sort of person she is? Basically, she is telling you who she is and I think you should listen. Are you sure you want to move in with her and all that follows.? It's going to be bloody hard to extricate yourself from this when you're living with her in her hometown. I think that comment about knowing nobody there is a red herring - you've already crossed the Atlantic and moved to a city where you didn't know anybody. I'd put more stock in what your friends are telling you, rather than strangers on the internet. I think your gut is screaming at you that this is not the relationship for you and the happiness of being at home has brought this into sharp contrast. I think she senses you have doubts and that might be feeling into her insecurity and desire to pin you down. On that, be very careful she doesn't "accidentally" become pregnant and tie you to Canada.

Homesickness also seems to be a constant in your life. This isn't just a new thing by the looks of things. Did you post a long time ago about your doubts about being in Canada, by any chance? I remember a thread by some guy who was a motorcycle enthusiast who was unsettled over there. Maybe it is time you asked yourself what it is you're gaining by being in Canada and took stock of where your life is going. Living abroad forever - which is on the cards here - isn't for everybody. Maybe you have outgrown living abroad and it is no longer a good fit for you. Even if you came back to Ireland and didn't like it, you could always go back to Canada. You are in the fortunate position of being able to live in different locations.

First though, I think you've got to get yourself out of this relationship and take your time about what to do after that.

Did you experience anxiety before you moved to Canada?

If your were to split from your girlfriend would you be lonely?

Is there anybody you can talk to today or in the next few days? A family member or friend? Or someone from your job's employee assistance program (if they have one). Perhaps you could organise something over Zoom?

You should. You're obviously very stressed and confused at the moment. Talking this out with someone will calm some of those thoughts that are bouncing around in your brain at the moment.

A tough time indeed. But better now than later.

Once the decision is made, you’re free to decide what’s for you going forward. Whether that’s booking another flight home for as soon as you’ve packed your stuff up or apartment hunting etc. And it’ll have downsides too no doubt. Maybe regrets but I think you saw the writing on the wall when you first posted. Telling your family was a big step towards realisation, I think.

If the conversation with your GF touches on what your thought process was and what made you change your mind etc. I'd go easy with the part about a lot of people on the internet advising you to do this. ;)

Frank, if you think you're in an abusive relationship and decide to leave it, be very careful what you say to your girlfriend. Do the groundwork for your split in the background and don't give her a heads up that you're thinking of leaving. That'll give her too much scope to escalate things, manipulate you or "forget" to take the pill. She really doesn't need to know that you've been talking to people on boards or your friends or your mum. That'll just open up the lines of communication and make it harder for you to leave. You need to present the break-up as a done deal and something that's non-negotiable.

Hey OP. I went to Canada "for a year" too, stayed for four. After that I went to London "for a while", I recently returned home after seven years.

My body was screaming at me after a few years abroad. Huge emotions and sadness on flights back, dreams of home, "home" never became anywhere but Ireland and that was loud and clear in how I lived my life. Renting instead of buying in the UK, despite great financial success and surpassing the age where friends were settling down and buying their own homes. Every moment of joy in my life was tied to a family wedding or event back in Ireland. But I lied to myself about how "happy" I was because - great exciting job, great income, living in a lovely part of the city, sure doesn't everyone think I'm great. It's similar to what Jim said upthread - there's a real impact on your health and happiness when you're this transient and not progressing similarly to those around you, who have put roots down and gotten on with their lives.

And there's a real impact on the people in your life too. To any man I met, I presented uncertainty, almost unavailability in a way. Because they knew I'd drop it all to be "at home" in the morning if I needed to. For all your girlfriend's issues, this is probably the trait in you that is provoking her the most. Your non-committal, indecisive, not-knowing-what-you-want vibe is ratcheting up the insecurities in her. Because she knows that you don't want to be there, she's just refusing to acknowledge that consciously because it will mean a breakup. Having a relationship with someone who doesn't know what they want is the loneliest place to be.

It's time to sit down and make some hard decisions, OP. Think about your uncle. Life is short. You don't get to re-do all of this. And doing nothing - is very much a choice. And I'll tell you from the other side - "coming home" is not easy, not for one second. I've mostly lived abroad as an adult and have had to learn a new social code, a new way of interaction, a new jobs market, I've had to deal with a lot of mixed emotions and uncertainty. Because change is hard. But the difference is - this time i feel connected to the country I live in, I identify it as "home", and I know that every hard decision is leading me to a beautiful new life in my true home.