Dealing with "You'll change your mind"

02-04-2021 1:07am #1

It's annoying and frustrating to get that or similar comments when I mention that I've no intention of starting a family.

That being said, I know that 99% of the time there is no malice or ridicule from the person saying it. That makes it difficult to communicate how annoying it is without coming across as having a chip on my shoulder etc.

Typically I try to outline the why, and just say that we are perfectly happy as we are but I still get the "well, give it time, you never know how you might feel in another year or two".

I'd love to know how others handle this. Is there a magic one liner that will shut them up without being rude or arrogant about it?

Faith · 02-04-2021 8:22am

I’ve been generally surprised by how accepting people are when I tell them I’m childfree (other than my parents, who will eternally be in the “You’ll change your mind!” Camp). But when I do get that kind of thing, I gauge the situation and will either let it go by saying “Maybe, sure none of us can predict the future” and changing the subject, or very firmly saying “I won’t” and then changing the subject.

People who think the only destination as an adult is becoming a parent aren’t really open to hearing anything that challenges that narrative, so there’s little point engaging in discussion with them I find.

Edit: a magic one-liner to a rude question can often be a long, stony silence, eventually being broken by you saying something like “It’s very rude to presume you know my mind better than I do”

.

R.D. aka MR.D · 02-04-2021 10:29am

I have found the older I get, the less I hear it. I'm not a fan of getting older but I assume in another 10 years people will just stop completely because they'll assume it wasn't a choice!

What I find has worked in the past is just to say something like 'god, that'll be one serious change of mind if it happens now' There is little point in arguing with people about it to be honest.

If I want to be rude especially to someone my own age, i say something like 'gosh, it is so interesting how patriarchal society convinces us that all women want children and it is only now becoming more normalised to challenge that stereotype' :pac:

cee_jay · 02-04-2021 10:32am

I have also found the older I get (or the longer I have been in my relationship), the less I hear it. I wonder is it because people begin to think there are fertility problems or what, but most people I know well know I have no interest in kids at this stage.
I am more likely to get comments such as when are you two giving us a day out? My response to that is normally along the lines of it'll be a civil affair just for the pension entitlements.

anewme · 02-04-2021 10:41am

Recently someone said to me, ah you'll feel different when you have your own.

I had to do a double take to see if they were taking the p, but were serious.

R.D. aka MR.D · 02-04-2021 10:44am

anewme wrote: »

Recently someone said to me, ah you'll feel different when you have your own.

I had to do a double take to see if they were taking the p, but were serious.

Oh this one I have a response for!!! My extended family have serious issues with losing custody etc. and I always say 'i wish that were true but the amount of abused and abandoned kids out there seem to indicate that unfortunately that isn't a safe bet'.

It is nice some people live their lives without knowing abusive home situations so in a way it is great but like people really are in denial if they think that is true!

anewme · 02-04-2021 10:48am

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Oh this one I have a response for!!! My extended family have serious issues with losing custody etc. and I always say 'i wish that were true but the amount of abused and abandoned kids out there seem to indicate that unfortunately that isn't a safe bet'.

It is nice some people live their lives without knowing abusive home situations so in a way it is great but like people really are in denial if they think that is true!

I was laughing more that they clearly have no idea of my age.

R.D. aka MR.D · 02-04-2021 10:50am

anewme wrote: »

I was laughing more that they clearly have no idea of my age.

Well they do say those without children tend to look younger!!

cloneslad · 02-04-2021 11:37am

I'm lucky that most of my friends and family that harass me about being childfree do it because they want me to not have such a carefree life.

As one of my mates says "Why should we have to suffer and you don't?"

They all love their kids but they don't deny it's very hard work and incredibly tiring.

I've always found that it was strangers who would say "you don't want them NOW" and I would tell them that I am 33/34/35/36/ shortly 37 and still feel the same way. My girlfriend is a good few years younger than me so they would often say that she would change her mind.

She is 31 now and has never been more sure that she doesn't want them.

02-04-2021 2:48pm

Faith wrote: »

I’ve been generally surprised by how accepting people are when I tell them I’m childfree (other than my parents, who will eternally be in the “You’ll change your mind!” Camp). But when I do get that kind of thing, I gauge the situation and will either let it go by saying “Maybe, sure none of us can predict the future” and changing the subject, or very firmly saying “I won’t” and then changing the subject.

People who think the only destination as an adult is becoming a parent aren’t really open to hearing anything that challenges that narrative, so there’s little point engaging in discussion with them I find.

Edit: a magic one-liner to a rude question can often be a long, stony silence, eventually being broken by you saying something like “It’s very rude to presume you know my mind better than I do” .

I like the idea of the long silence and the response. I must try that

cloneslad wrote: »

I'm lucky that most of my friends and family that harass me about being childfree do it because they want me to not have such a carefree life.

As one of my mates says "Why should we have to suffer and you don't?"

Hah, 100% I have had that one too, more so from the male friends and family. I just laugh

BuboBubo · 02-04-2021 9:29pm

My reply used to be "misery loves company"

Being very much on the wrong side of 40, nobody asks me anymore. They presume I'm barren at this stage

To people who didn't know me well, but still had the cheek to say it, my reply (in a low slightly heartbroken tone) "I can't have them" leading to an uncomfortable shuffle and change of subject. Never bothered telling them the reason was Mirena:D

02-04-2021 9:32pm

Deleted User wrote: »

It's annoying and frustrating to get that or similar comments when I mention that I've no intention of starting a family.

That being said, I know that 99% of the time there is no malice or ridicule from the person saying it. That makes it difficult to communicate how annoying it is without coming across as having a chip on my shoulder etc.

Typically I try to outline the why, and just say that we are perfectly happy as we are but I still get the "well, give it time, you never know how you might feel in another year or two".

I'd love to know how others handle this. Is there a magic one liner that will shut them up without being rude or arrogant about it?

Never complain. Never explain. It’s no one else’s business.

magicbastarder · 03-04-2021 5:29am

Being a bloke, the few times I have had someone giving me what might amount to a grilling all came from insecure blokes. In that I firmly believe their position was one borne of me having undermined their life choices by not having kids.
One of those occasions was from an asshole colleague, at a work Christmas do, where the only two women in our team were eavesdropping and agog at what was being said to me, and offering behind his back to distract him away from me, but I found it kinda fascinating.

Anyway, one of the lines my wife has heard most is 'will you not regret it when you're older?' and the best response there I suspect is 'do you actually think I should create actual human beings as an insurance policy against my possible feelings in 20 years time?'

o1s1n · 05-04-2021 2:38am

magicbastarder wrote: »

Anyway, one of the lines my wife has heard most is 'will you not regret it when you're older?' and the best response there I suspect is 'do you actually think I should create actual human beings as an insurance policy against my possible feelings in 20 years time?'

I love pointing out to these people that children won't automatically be there for you when you're older and there's a high probability they might actually **** off to live in Australia or somewhere equally as far away.

Tends not to go down too well!

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 05-04-2021 12:20pm

Never understood this opinion at all. My fiancée and I are contempt with the idea of not having kids. My mother and immediate family, and in-laws are accepting of it.

But I have one family member - my aunt - who is borderline offended (or appears to be) that we've made this decision. It's not so much that she doesn't understand that my fiancée has PCOS, rheumatoid arthritis, type-2, depression - with PCOS being a major factor into the ability to even have kids in the first place - it's her response to when I try to explain why we don't want to have kids: "There's no excuse, you should at least try, or adopt". She originally started by saying "you'll change your mind" and I think now that it's been 9 years and I still haven't changed my mind that she's starting to get annoyed at it, almost as if she's tired of telling me.

I have never understood the opinion of "I want YOU to have a kid so that I'M satisfied" - vicariously living through someone else.

The only child I ever want to have a hand in being around throughout his life is my nephew, who turned 2 over the weekend, who absolutely loves me, and that's all I want - that's as close to having a child as I want to be. At home, I'm happy with having dogs. They never have strops or bad moods and they'll always wait for you at the front door. That's enough for me.

Sunny Disposition · 05-04-2021 10:36pm

Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

R.D. aka MR.D · 05-04-2021 11:04pm

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

I would say that between the age of 27 and 33, I was being asked almost constantly by colleagues, friends and people i would meet in general. It increased hugely after I was married. People still occasionally ask 'when will you have children?'

The husband gets it much less often but does on occasion.

I can't imagine any woman over the age of 25 not having been asked at least once!

magicbastarder · 05-04-2021 11:19pm

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care

welllll... that's not the case.
i'm a bloke and i've had to 'defend' myself in extended conversations maybe four or five times. women have it at least ten times worse.

i mentioned in a different thread here, but a lot of people will get very defensive about you not having kids, because you're undermining their choice to have done so.

jaxxx · 05-04-2021 11:51pm

Anyone annoying me with this shiiieeet will get a box in the mouth and a stick up their bum, so as to keep their toxic fumes from leaking.

Locotastic · 06-04-2021 12:00am

Gamer Bhoy 89 wrote: »

At home, I'm happy with having dogs. They never have strops or bad moods and they'll always wait for you at the front door. That's enough for me.

They are the best!!!

magicbastarder · 06-04-2021 12:15am

Gamer Bhoy 89 wrote: »

At home, I'm happy with having dogs. They never have strops or bad moods

you've clearly not met my neighbour's dog.

Ave Sodalis · 06-04-2021 1:04am

Sunny Disposition wrote:

Who would you be telling you donâ€™t want children? Canâ€™t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

I was constantly plagued with this question before lockdown, even by people who knew the answer. People would purposely ask, just so they could berate me again for my decision. Not only do people care, they can get surprisingly angry about it.

06-04-2021 7:46am

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

Im a 45 year old woman. I have been asked when am I having children or been told I should hurry up and start having children literally hundreds of times in my life.
By friends, family and basically strangers.
Some people feel the need to try & impress on me how brilliant kids are and how I just don't understand what it feels like when you have them.

And I am not some quiet shy type of person, I speak my mind always. Why anyone thinks that they have to right to talk to me like that is just beyond me!

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 06-04-2021 7:59am

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Who would you be telling you don’t want children? Can’t imagine any one would care apart from potential partners and parents.

We don't go announcing it in conversation. It constantly gets brought up by other people, mostly out of nowhere. I can't say it's "none of your business" because then it just makes the whole thing worse - then it makes it sound like I'm the aggressive one.

But that's the issue. You'd HOPE that only potential partners and parents would care, so it makes it more frustrating when it's someone who isn't in your life on a daily basis and only talks to you when it's your birthday.

I'll draw the line at social media. Nobody has pestered me about it on Facebook or anything like that...yet. That's where I'll start becoming "aggressive" (the worst I'll do is delete the conversation)

paperflights · 06-04-2021 12:20pm

I don't disclose my decision to anyone other than my partner because it's really nobody's business.

micah537 · 06-04-2021 12:31pm

I like the awkward silence when I say I'm shooting blanks.

Some people think they have to pop out kids as soon as they finish school or college. Why have extra responsibility in 20s when you can be doing so much more. Forget Covid for a minute, it's nice to randomly spend the weekend in Europe or go on holidays in Asia or wherever as a couple without too much planning. The thoughts of having a baby on a plane for 8 or more hours, even 2 hours is a nightmare.

I'm not against having kids when I'm mid thirties or so but people constantly saying how great their kids are while dumping them at the grandparents at every chance they get seems a little contradictory.

Gamer Bhoy 89 · 06-04-2021 12:41pm

paperflights wrote: »

I don't disclose my decision to anyone other than my partner because it's really nobody's business.

I'd love to know what your answer is to anyone who asks. I don't have the cojones to just say to the person "none of your business". I find that rude.

Do you change the subject? Or do you just simmer it down by saying "ah you never know" or something? I could do with some pointers because I'm this close to telling my auntie to fcuk off over the phone if she does it again :pac:

Sunny Disposition · 06-04-2021 1:48pm

Gamer Bhoy 89 wrote: »

We don't go announcing it in conversation. It constantly gets brought up by other people, mostly out of nowhere. I can't say it's "none of your business" because then it just makes the whole thing worse - then it makes it sound like I'm the aggressive one.

But that's the issue. You'd HOPE that only potential partners and parents would care, so it makes it more frustrating when it's someone who isn't in your life on a daily basis and only talks to you when it's your birthday.

I'll draw the line at social media. Nobody has pestered me about it on Facebook or anything like that...yet. That's where I'll start becoming "aggressive" (the worst I'll do is delete the conversation)

Have kids myself, and I would advise being a parent to anyone who asked, but can’t imagine why anyone would feel the need to impose their view on someone else, crazy.
Know of a couple who are child free but not by choice and when people make jokes etc it is hurtful for them.

BuboBubo · 06-04-2021 6:52pm

o1s1n wrote: »

I love pointing out to these people that children won't automatically be there for you when you're older and there's a high probability they might actually **** off to live in Australia or somewhere equally as far away.

Tends not to go down too well!

But, but, nobody who has kids ends up in a nursing home - "who's going to take care of you when you're older?" I've had that line thrown at me

IrishPhoenix · 06-04-2021 9:50pm

I think that those who have kids seem to be the most personally offended. Like your decision is somehow a judgement against them. They go rapidly from the 'you'll change your mind when you're older' and 'ah you don't know what you want' to really affronted if you insist that you do actually know what you want and that it's really not their business to tell you what you want. I don't go around bringing the topic up but you can't seem to avoid the question when you're a woman. Everyone seems to feel entitled to an opinion on the subject. Especially at weddings or events.

06-04-2021 10:31pm

o1s1n wrote: »

I love pointing out to these people that children won't automatically be there for you when you're older and there's a high probability they might actually **** off to live in Australia or somewhere equally as far away.

Tends not to go down too well!

That does certainly happen in families- sometimes the offspring can’t wait to leave the nest and rarely return and it’s not due to a bad upbringing or anything- they just don’t seem to have much in common anymore and no real interest in maintaining close contact- best not said directly to the parents though

RacoonQueen · 09-04-2021 3:10pm

Last time that kinda thing was said to me "You'll change your mind when you're older"
Was 30/31 at them and it was my patronising older sister I just replied "

I am 'older'." Was met by silence and a look on her face that said...oh...actually. :pac:

twiddleypop · 10-04-2021 8:52pm

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Last time that kinda thing was said to me "You'll change your mind when you're older"
Was 30/31 at them and it was my patronising older sister I just replied " I am 'older'." Was met by silence and a look on her face that said...oh...actually. :pac:

I have had so many subtle comments from my sister about children but think she is finally giving up ðŸ˜‚

10-04-2021 9:15pm

I have two brothers and I love my sister in law more then either of them

She is the golden light, the giver of grandchildren, the best daughter!

she really is the greatest;)

bunny_mac · 11-04-2021 12:29pm

IrishPhoenix wrote: »

I think that those who have kids seem to be the most personally offended. Like your decision is somehow a judgement against them. They go rapidly from the 'you'll change your mind when you're older' and 'ah you don't know what you want' to really affronted if you insist that you do actually know what you want and that it's really not their business to tell you what you want. I don't go around bringing the topic up but you can't seem to avoid the question when you're a woman. Everyone seems to feel entitled to an opinion on the subject. Especially at weddings or events.

God yes. I remember walking in the door to my granny's wake and being pounced on by a nosy oul biddy of a neighbour whose first utterance to me, once she'd gotten a very perfunctory 'sorry for your loss' hastily out of the way, was 'and do you have a family yourself?'. :rolleyes:

Tzardine · 19-04-2021 11:51am

I am in my mid-30's. Right at the age were friends/family members have young families. I am married. Both myself and my wife have jobs which pay around the average wage in Ireland. We made the decision early on that we are not going to have kids.

I honestly think that a good proportion of people regret having kids - especially in the early years when they are quite hard work. I dont think that anybody will openly admit this, but I do get that impression at times.

When people say to me - oh you will change your mind - I usually tell them that life is short and I want to spend my limited years enjoying life. Having kids is a chore to me, and that I have no interest looking after anybody but myself (and wife obviously). Being this blunt usually stops them in their monologue. Sometimes they might say - oh you think that now but you will feel differently in the future - I usually just say that I am a big boy now and am capable of knowing what I want.

I have a brother and he has 5 kids from a few different women. He makes similar money to me, he works his nuts off but has no money in his pocket at the end of the month.

The difference in disposable income is massive, and I dont think that people really get it. My wife and I have new cars every 3 years, travel regularly, are looking at buying a foreign property, and have a completely different standard of living. Again, we are not on big money. I have more than one classic car, and when I bought my most recent one he was bitching to my Mam asking where I get all the money to do these things. She pointed out the obvious to him.

My wife gets the question a lot too from her friends and colleagues. She usually just says that we have made our decision and I had a vasectomy to ensure it does not happen. She finds this stops a lot of the probing (Not had the snip yet - but likely to soon )

HBC08 · 19-04-2021 11:55am

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It's annoying and frustrating to get that or similar comments when I mention that I've no intention of starting a family.

That being said, I know that 99% of the time there is no malice or ridicule from the person saying it. That makes it difficult to communicate how annoying it is without coming across as having a chip on my shoulder etc.

Typically I try to outline the why, and just say that we are perfectly happy as we are but I still get the "well, give it time, you never know how you might feel in another year or two".

I'd love to know how others handle this. Is there a magic one liner that will shut them up without being rude or arrogant about it?

The reason people say this to you is that its true.
Most friends or acquaintances i know who said theyd never have kids ended up having a kid(s)

19-04-2021 2:24pm

HBC08 wrote: »

The reason people say this to you is that its true.
Most friends or acquaintances i know who said theyd never have kids ended up having a kid(s)

Nah, I prefer my life and bank balance as they are. You are welcome to enjoy your suffering, I'll enjoy my freedom

Ave Sodalis · 19-04-2021 2:26pm

HBC08 wrote:

The reason people say this to you is that its true. Most friends or acquaintances i know who said theyd never have kids ended up having a kid(s)

Why feel the need to point it out though? Does it really matter?

19-04-2021 2:47pm

You'll change your mind
Quickly followed by;
'you don't understand how it feels till you have them'

Yep, dead right I dont, and nor do I want to. The patronising way some of them look at ya, like you don't know what your missing. Makes me laugh mostly, sometimes actually annoys me.

bunny_mac · 19-04-2021 2:55pm

Ave Sodalis wrote: »

Why feel the need to point it out though? Does it really matter?

Because people like this are the ones who blindly follow the life script and never question that they have a choice in anything – marriage, kids, 9 to 5 etc. So when they encounter someone who *does* realise they have a choice and have in fact made a different one to them, it totally messes with their heads. So to make themselves feel better about their blind following of what society deems to be the 'right' way to live, they try to make the 'free' person feel like they're missing out or that there's something wrong with them because they're not towing the party line.

R.D. aka MR.D · 19-04-2021 3:22pm

Tzardine wrote: »

I have a brother and he has 5 kids from a few different women. He makes similar money to me, he works his nuts off but has no money in his pocket at the end of the month.

The difference in disposable income is massive, and I dont think that people really get it. My wife and I have new cars every 3 years, travel regularly, are looking at buying a foreign property, and have a completely different standard of living. Again, we are not on big money. I have more than one classic car, and when I bought my most recent one he was bitching to my Mam asking where I get all the money to do these things. She pointed out the obvious to him.

This is something I've noticed especially in our mid-30s. We're both on good enough money, good points in our careers. We're just able to afford things people with kids can't, it is an odd feeling because you feel like there is something wrong but my husband always reminds me it is because we don't have kids!

I know the money aspect is my husband's number #1 reason not to have kids. And the benefits have definitely become clear to both of us in the last few years.

partyguinness · 19-04-2021 3:24pm

TBH anyone who comes out with a statement like that to any woman is a clown of the highest order and best avoided at all costs.

HBC08 · 19-04-2021 5:07pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Nah, I prefer my life and bank balance as they are. You are welcome to enjoy your suffering, I'll enjoy my freedom

I dont have kids.
I never thought i would want them but changed my mind when i met the right woman.Unfortunately after years of trying it looks like it wont happen for us.
We look on the bright side though and concentrate on the many positives of not having kids.
My original point is that a lot of people i know who said they werent having kids did have them,thats just my experience of it.

partyguinness · 19-04-2021 5:10pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Nah, I prefer my life and bank balance as they are. You are welcome to enjoy your suffering, I'll enjoy my freedom

You can have a healthy bank balance and freedom with kids- it's just...'different'.

Ckendrick · 19-04-2021 5:18pm

When I was having what seemed to be the vast majority of my nether regions stitched up following the delivery of my only child nearly 24 years ago, the midwife had heard enough of my whining and opined: “ indeed and you’ll be back here again this time next year”. I sat up straight looked him (yes him) straight in the eye and said “ the only thing I’m 100% certain of right now is that that’s definitely NOT going to happen”. That was the start of my insistence that I’d had one and had stopped at perfection, an insistence I had to keep up in the face of almost constant “remarks” for 10 years.
If anything is worse then defending childlessness by choice it’s choosing to stop at 1.

R.D. aka MR.D · 19-04-2021 5:32pm

Ckendrick wrote: »

When I was having what seemed to be the vast majority of my nether regions stitched up following the delivery of my only child nearly 24 years ago, the midwife had heard enough of my whining and opined: “ indeed and you’ll be back here again this time next year”. I sat up straight looked him (yes him) straight in the eye and said “ the only thing I’m 100% certain of right now is that that’s definitely NOT going to happen”. That was the start of my insistence that I’d had one and had stopped at perfection, an insistence I had to keep up in the face of almost constant “remarks” for 10 years.
If anything is worse then defending childlessness by choice it’s choosing to stop at 1.

I definitely know this is an issue for women. People seem so entitled to comment on women's choices. Oh one isn't enough, four is too many. I just wish that people would stop commenting on reproductive choices at all.

That would benefit all women no matter how many children they do or don't have.

One way I respond to personal questions that may or may not be to do with reproductive issues is to ask 'oh why do you want to know?' I'm not aggressive, i just say it inquisitively. Usually shuts people up.

R.D. aka MR.D · 19-04-2021 5:37pm

HBC08 wrote: »

I dont have kids.
I never thought i would want them but changed my mind when i met the right woman.Unfortunately after years of trying it looks like it wont happen for us.
We look on the bright side though and concentrate on the many positives of not having kids.
My original point is that a lot of people i know who said they werent having kids did have them,thats just my experience of it.

You might not be aware but what you said originally is often said by people to belittle someone who is childfree. You might have known loads of people who changed their minds but that doesn't mean that everyone will.

In my opinion if after 35 years I change my mind on something so life-changing, questions should be asked. Being told as someone well into their 30s that'll I'll change my mind, is basically saying I don't know my mind and that is incredibly rude.

HBC08 · 19-04-2021 6:55pm

I kind of agree with you and most others on this thread.
I think its incredibly rude to mention anything about it to couples.Nobody knows whats going on,fertility issues,ivf,misscarriages,people who just dont want kids etc.
I think its crazy in a world where woke nonesense is off the charts that somebody thinks its ok to ask a woman about this very private thing.

My point about people changing their mind is my experience of it and is a seperate point i suppose.
Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

bunny_mac · 19-04-2021 7:19pm

HBC08 wrote: »

Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

This guy knows us better than we know ourselves! What a guy!

19-04-2021 7:57pm

HBC08 wrote: »

Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

Really leaning into being patronizing there bud

Dealing with "You'll change your mind"

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