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Dealing with "You'll change your mind"

2

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  • Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 20,334 Mod ✭✭✭✭ RacoonQueen


    Last time that kinda thing was said to me "You'll change your mind when you're older"
    Was 30/31 at them and it was my patronising older sister I just replied " :confused: I am 'older'." Was met by silence and a look on her face that said...oh...actually. :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 186 ✭✭ twiddleypop


    Last time that kinda thing was said to me "You'll change your mind when you're older"
    Was 30/31 at them and it was my patronising older sister I just replied " :confused: I am 'older'." Was met by silence and a look on her face that said...oh...actually. :pac:

    I have had so many subtle comments from my sister about children but think she is finally giving up 😂


  • Posts: 18,752 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I have two brothers and I love my sister in law more then either of them :D
    She is the golden light, the giver of grandchildren, the best daughter!

    she really is the greatest;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭ bunny_mac


    I think that those who have kids seem to be the most personally offended. Like your decision is somehow a judgement against them. They go rapidly from the 'you'll change your mind when you're older' and 'ah you don't know what you want' to really affronted if you insist that you do actually know what you want and that it's really not their business to tell you what you want. I don't go around bringing the topic up but you can't seem to avoid the question when you're a woman. Everyone seems to feel entitled to an opinion on the subject. Especially at weddings or events.

    God yes. I remember walking in the door to my granny's wake and being pounced on by a nosy oul biddy of a neighbour whose first utterance to me, once she'd gotten a very perfunctory 'sorry for your loss' hastily out of the way, was 'and do you have a family yourself?'. :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,880 ✭✭✭ Tzardine


    I am in my mid-30's. Right at the age were friends/family members have young families. I am married. Both myself and my wife have jobs which pay around the average wage in Ireland. We made the decision early on that we are not going to have kids.

    I honestly think that a good proportion of people regret having kids - especially in the early years when they are quite hard work. I dont think that anybody will openly admit this, but I do get that impression at times.

    When people say to me - oh you will change your mind - I usually tell them that life is short and I want to spend my limited years enjoying life. Having kids is a chore to me, and that I have no interest looking after anybody but myself (and wife obviously). Being this blunt usually stops them in their monologue. Sometimes they might say - oh you think that now but you will feel differently in the future - I usually just say that I am a big boy now and am capable of knowing what I want.

    I have a brother and he has 5 kids from a few different women. He makes similar money to me, he works his nuts off but has no money in his pocket at the end of the month.

    The difference in disposable income is massive, and I dont think that people really get it. My wife and I have new cars every 3 years, travel regularly, are looking at buying a foreign property, and have a completely different standard of living. Again, we are not on big money. I have more than one classic car, and when I bought my most recent one he was bitching to my Mam asking where I get all the money to do these things. She pointed out the obvious to him.

    My wife gets the question a lot too from her friends and colleagues. She usually just says that we have made our decision and I had a vasectomy to ensure it does not happen. She finds this stops a lot of the probing (Not had the snip yet - but likely to soon )


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,608 ✭✭✭ HBC08


    DaCor wrote: »
    It's annoying and frustrating to get that or similar comments when I mention that I've no intention of starting a family.

    That being said, I know that 99% of the time there is no malice or ridicule from the person saying it. That makes it difficult to communicate how annoying it is without coming across as having a chip on my shoulder etc.

    Typically I try to outline the why, and just say that we are perfectly happy as we are but I still get the "well, give it time, you never know how you might feel in another year or two".

    I'd love to know how others handle this. Is there a magic one liner that will shut them up without being rude or arrogant about it?

    The reason people say this to you is that its true.
    Most friends or acquaintances i know who said theyd never have kids ended up having a kid(s)


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,097 ✭✭✭✭ DaCor


    HBC08 wrote: »
    The reason people say this to you is that its true.
    Most friends or acquaintances i know who said theyd never have kids ended up having a kid(s)

    Nah, I prefer my life and bank balance as they are. You are welcome to enjoy your suffering, I'll enjoy my freedom


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,535 ✭✭✭ Ave Sodalis


    HBC08 wrote:
    The reason people say this to you is that its true. Most friends or acquaintances i know who said theyd never have kids ended up having a kid(s)


    Why feel the need to point it out though? Does it really matter?


  • Posts: 18,752 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    You'll change your mind
    Quickly followed by;
    'you don't understand how it feels till you have them'

    Yep, dead right I dont, and nor do I want to. The patronising way some of them look at ya, like you don't know what your missing. Makes me laugh mostly, sometimes actually annoys me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭ bunny_mac


    Why feel the need to point it out though? Does it really matter?

    Because people like this are the ones who blindly follow the life script and never question that they have a choice in anything – marriage, kids, 9 to 5 etc. So when they encounter someone who *does* realise they have a choice and have in fact made a different one to them, it totally messes with their heads. So to make themselves feel better about their blind following of what society deems to be the 'right' way to live, they try to make the 'free' person feel like they're missing out or that there's something wrong with them because they're not towing the party line.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭ R.D. aka MR.D


    Tzardine wrote: »


    I have a brother and he has 5 kids from a few different women. He makes similar money to me, he works his nuts off but has no money in his pocket at the end of the month.

    The difference in disposable income is massive, and I dont think that people really get it. My wife and I have new cars every 3 years, travel regularly, are looking at buying a foreign property, and have a completely different standard of living. Again, we are not on big money. I have more than one classic car, and when I bought my most recent one he was bitching to my Mam asking where I get all the money to do these things. She pointed out the obvious to him.

    This is something I've noticed especially in our mid-30s. We're both on good enough money, good points in our careers. We're just able to afford things people with kids can't, it is an odd feeling because you feel like there is something wrong but my husband always reminds me it is because we don't have kids!

    I know the money aspect is my husband's number #1 reason not to have kids. And the benefits have definitely become clear to both of us in the last few years.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,204 ✭✭✭ partyguinness


    TBH anyone who comes out with a statement like that to any woman is a clown of the highest order and best avoided at all costs.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,608 ✭✭✭ HBC08


    DaCor wrote: »
    Nah, I prefer my life and bank balance as they are. You are welcome to enjoy your suffering, I'll enjoy my freedom

    I dont have kids.
    I never thought i would want them but changed my mind when i met the right woman.Unfortunately after years of trying it looks like it wont happen for us.
    We look on the bright side though and concentrate on the many positives of not having kids.
    My original point is that a lot of people i know who said they werent having kids did have them,thats just my experience of it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,204 ✭✭✭ partyguinness


    DaCor wrote: »
    Nah, I prefer my life and bank balance as they are. You are welcome to enjoy your suffering, I'll enjoy my freedom


    You can have a healthy bank balance and freedom with kids- it's just...'different'.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 128 ✭✭ Ckendrick


    When I was having what seemed to be the vast majority of my nether regions stitched up following the delivery of my only child nearly 24 years ago, the midwife had heard enough of my whining and opined: “ indeed and you’ll be back here again this time next year”. I sat up straight looked him (yes him) straight in the eye and said “ the only thing I’m 100% certain of right now is that that’s definitely NOT going to happen”. That was the start of my insistence that I’d had one and had stopped at perfection, an insistence I had to keep up in the face of almost constant “remarks” for 10 years.
    If anything is worse then defending childlessness by choice it’s choosing to stop at 1.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭ R.D. aka MR.D


    Ckendrick wrote: »
    When I was having what seemed to be the vast majority of my nether regions stitched up following the delivery of my only child nearly 24 years ago, the midwife had heard enough of my whining and opined: “ indeed and you’ll be back here again this time next year”. I sat up straight looked him (yes him) straight in the eye and said “ the only thing I’m 100% certain of right now is that that’s definitely NOT going to happen”. That was the start of my insistence that I’d had one and had stopped at perfection, an insistence I had to keep up in the face of almost constant “remarks” for 10 years.
    If anything is worse then defending childlessness by choice it’s choosing to stop at 1.

    I definitely know this is an issue for women. People seem so entitled to comment on women's choices. Oh one isn't enough, four is too many. I just wish that people would stop commenting on reproductive choices at all.

    That would benefit all women no matter how many children they do or don't have.

    One way I respond to personal questions that may or may not be to do with reproductive issues is to ask 'oh why do you want to know?' I'm not aggressive, i just say it inquisitively. Usually shuts people up.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭ R.D. aka MR.D


    HBC08 wrote: »
    I dont have kids.
    I never thought i would want them but changed my mind when i met the right woman.Unfortunately after years of trying it looks like it wont happen for us.
    We look on the bright side though and concentrate on the many positives of not having kids.
    My original point is that a lot of people i know who said they werent having kids did have them,thats just my experience of it.

    You might not be aware but what you said originally is often said by people to belittle someone who is childfree. You might have known loads of people who changed their minds but that doesn't mean that everyone will.

    In my opinion if after 35 years I change my mind on something so life-changing, questions should be asked. Being told as someone well into their 30s that'll I'll change my mind, is basically saying I don't know my mind and that is incredibly rude.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,608 ✭✭✭ HBC08


    I kind of agree with you and most others on this thread.
    I think its incredibly rude to mention anything about it to couples.Nobody knows whats going on,fertility issues,ivf,misscarriages,people who just dont want kids etc.
    I think its crazy in a world where woke nonesense is off the charts that somebody thinks its ok to ask a woman about this very private thing.

    My point about people changing their mind is my experience of it and is a seperate point i suppose.
    Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭ bunny_mac


    HBC08 wrote: »
    Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

    This guy knows us better than we know ourselves! What a guy!


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,097 ✭✭✭✭ DaCor


    HBC08 wrote: »
    Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

    Really leaning into being patronizing there bud


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,608 ✭✭✭ HBC08


    DaCor wrote: »
    Really leaning into being patronizing there bud

    Not meant to be but thats my experience.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,535 ✭✭✭ Ave Sodalis


    HBC08 wrote:
    Not meant to be but thats my experience.


    Again though, why point it out? What is it you hope to gain by pointing it out?


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,880 ✭✭✭ Tzardine


    HBC08 wrote: »
    Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

    Weird comment.

    Do you go into the LGBT threads and tell the the gay men that many of them will end up being with women anyway?

    Eh no.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭ bunny_mac


    Tzardine wrote: »
    Weird comment.

    Do you go into the LGBT threads and tell the the gay men that many of them will end up being with women anyway?

    Eh no.

    BRB, I'm off to the parenting forum to tell all the parents they're going to regret having children.


  • Posts: 18,752 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    HBC08 wrote: »
    Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

    So in the 'childless by choice' forum, you think that many of the posters will have kids.
    This is exactly why we wanted this kind of forum in the first place!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,608 ✭✭✭ HBC08


    Jeez i seem to have really touched on nerve on here!
    Genuine apology to anyone that took offense.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,204 ✭✭✭ partyguinness


    HBC08 wrote: »
    Jeez i seem to have really touched on nerve on here!
    Genuine apology to anyone that took offense.


    The elephant in the room is that if you check back into this thread in 10-15 years the utter fear is that you might actually be right hence the raw nerve.

    But let's not detract from the fact that commenting on another person's reproductve choices or future choices to their face is nobody else's business. Such busy bodies neeed to get a life and stop living vicariously.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 44,066 CMod ✭✭✭✭ magicbastarder


    the utter fear is that you might actually be right hence the raw nerve.
    i doubt its that. most people in this thread are probably well used to the internal eye-roll and having to fend off the question multiple times about their choice from (generally) well meaning people who don't think not to ask or to foist their experiences on them; but to have someone come into a forum *specifically* set up for this target audience for them to talk about their experiences; and repeat that line is, well, a little *clumsy*.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 128 ✭✭ Ckendrick


    i doubt its that. most people in this thread are probably well used to the internal eye-roll and having to fend off the question multiple times about their choice from (generally) well meaning people who don't think not to ask or to foist their experiences on them; but to have someone come into a forum *specifically* set up for this target audience for them to talk about their experiences; and repeat that line is, well, a little *clumsy*.

    “Oh look at this forum set up for people who’ve made choices I don’t understand or agree with. I must go in there right now and tell them how I feel about their choices. Quick! To the keyboard!”


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 877 ✭✭✭ jk23


    One of the worst aspects of deciding to not have a child as a man is they rumours that swirl around about your sexuality even if you have a partner.

    It might not be said directly to your face but it is a gossip between so called friends and relatives! I would never ask a woman why didn't she have kids especially with the knowledge of miscarriages and infertility we have today...


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