Gossip and trouble at work

Jenneke87 · 01-04-2021 7:42am #1

Hi all,

Sorry you all, this is gonna be a long one. I am freaking out and don't know what to do. In hindsight, I can't believe I've been this naive, but the damage is already done.

Yesterday, I was informed of some pretty nasty rumors about me and a male college. I'll do my best to explain fully.

I work at a large station in my hometown. I sell train tickets etc, and R. (the college in question) is one of the security guards at the station. We both often work the late and night shifts and get on very well. R. has a wife but is in an open relationship which he doesn't not hide and he does have a reputation for going after women and he receives quite a bit of slagging off over that. For me it's the opposite; male attention is rare, I'm not a good looking woman, and R. never tried anything on with me.

R. is the only college I'd see outside of work to go for a coffee and just catch up, if we worked a nightshift together he'd drop me off at my place. I don't really have friends so I appreciated his company. So yesterday, I ran into R. at the station where we both work. We had a tea together and suggested getting ice cream as the weather was lovely here yesterday (don't live in Ireland) and I left about an hour later, but didn't get ice cream. He walked me up to the tram platform, we gave each other a hug and I left.

While on my way home I sent him a message saying:" still didn't get the ice cream, shame." So after his shift (around 17:30), he came to the station that's nearest to my house where I picked him up, walked to shopping centre, got ice cream, sat outside for an hour talking and then he left and I went to visit my sister. Now, when I went to pick him up we were spotted by two of his colleagues ( reason for that being is that the security guards also travel to the smaller stations nearby to do check ups) and they saw us leaving together.

Later that night I ran into D., another colleague. I hadn't seen him in a while and we chatted until I had to go home. After I left, D. was approached by a colleague from R. and said some pretty crude things to him, but what it came down to is that the teamleader didn't saw us hugging, but kissing and because R. and I were spotted together at the station near my house we must have arranged a hook up and had sex and to not get sloppy seconds from me (lovely, I know...).D. was kind enough to inform me of this and I am completely panicking...

I'm not due to work till Sunday and by then the damage wil already be done. I don't know how to deal with this or how to respond to the gossip. I highly doubt people will believe our version of the story; a man with an open relationship and a reputation for trying to get it on with female college's was spotted with a single female college near her house and alleged to be have been seen making out with that same man hours prior (which didn't happen!). I know how this looks, but I never thought anyone would make that assumption based on how I look. Again, I can't believe I've been this naive and I've learned my lesson, I'll never do this again. Any advise would be very appreciated...

Princess Calla · 01-04-2021 8:01am

You're allowed to have coffee and a hug (usually precovid) with who you like.

I think it's just one of those situations that you have to let blow over until people get bored.

If someone asks you directly are you involved with him say no and change the subject. Sometimes the more you try to deny something the more guilty you can look.

However "R" seems to be going to an awful lot of effort, especially the whole ice cream situation. There's something there that would make me wary....it's one thing grabbing coffee/lunch together when it's literally a walk out of the building together situation, but when one travels it kinda puts a different slant to it.

Anyway my advice is keep your head down and let it blow over.

Fandymo · 01-04-2021 8:10am

So nothing happened. You are both adults. This is a much bigger deal in your head than in real life.

Jequ0n · 01-04-2021 9:34am

This sounds like something from school ...

OP, what are you freaking out about exactly? The rumors are false, and you know this yourself. Why on earth would this make you change your routines? I would simply ignore the whole ridiculous gossip **** as people will be bored with it very soon and make up **** about someone else. If you are seriously bothered by it then bring it up with the person who started the rumors in the first place.

And more bizarrely, why do you think this was all based on how you look? It's more likely founded in R's self-stylised reputation as a player and has zero to do with you.

You are seriously overreacting here

Jenneke87 · 01-04-2021 9:56am

Jequ0n wrote: »

This sounds like something from school ...

OP, what are you freaking out about exactly? The rumors are false, and you know this yourself. Why on earth would this make you change your routines? I would simply ignore the whole ridiculous gossip **** as people will be bored with it very soon and make up **** about someone else. If you are seriously bothered by it then bring it up with the person who started the rumors in the first place.

And more bizarrely, why do you think this was all based on how you look? It's more likely founded in R's self-stylised reputation as a player and has zero to do with you.

You are seriously overreacting here

I truly hope that I am, I'd hate for this to affect my reputation at work and people thinking poorly of me. I hate that they jumped to such conclusions just because we were seen together.

I understand that because he came to see me it could put a different slant on things, but because I know nothing will happen between us (and also didn't expect two college's to run into us and jump to such conclusions) I never gave it a second thought. I'm always a bit paranoid when it comes to things affecting my work as I've had bad experiences in the past .

HildaOgdenx · 01-04-2021 10:05am

Sounds like you have blown it out of all proportion in your head.
Nothing happened, right?
So the last thing you need to start doing is explaining anything to anyone.

You mention a team leader. If for some bizarre reason, they ask you about your behaviour outside work, you can respond calmly by saying that what you do in your own time is your own business. Which it is.
If you choose to, you can answer that yes, you had a cup of tea with a colleague.

Honestly OP, nobody is that interested in what other people do. Unless they have absolutely no lives of their own.

And that is their problem, not yours.

Neyite · 01-04-2021 11:28am

If you act mortified, there will be some that will drag it out just to enjoy your discomfort or read more into it than it is.

The way I'd handle it is giving a death stare to anyone who mentions it and say "Yes, I had ice-cream with a colleague. And??"

You've done nothing wrong. Nor have you done anything to be embarrassed about. Remember that.

Xterminator · 01-04-2021 11:51am

Hi OP

if you act 'guilty' people will infer from that. so dont act like you have anything to hide/be ashamed of. i

I'll never do this again.

I'm sorry to hear your giving up ice cream, and i suspect that is an overreaction!

on a more serious note, your problem is that they are likely to be gossiping about you, that you met up with a man - and that means you had sex. You are worried you will be slagged? that people with dirty minds might assume you have had sex?

The events shouldn't really be a crisis for you, but i gather it is. What you don't explain is why, because i don't think yours is a proportional or rational reaction to what's happened. you should really be able to laugh it off and tell them they all have dirty minds, and think no more about it.

if a colleague crosses the line in their behaviour, to you other others; you can deal with that via workplace mechanisms.

Jequ0n · 01-04-2021 12:24pm

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I truly hope that I am, I'd hate for this to affect my reputation at work and people thinking poorly of me. I hate that they jumped to such conclusions just because we were seen together.

I understand that because he came to see me it could put a different slant on things, but because I know nothing will happen between us (and also didn't expect two college's to run into us and jump to such conclusions) I never gave it a second thought. I'm always a bit paranoid when it comes to things affecting my work as I've had bad experiences in the past .

Yes, you are overreacting. You know yourself that you did nothing wrong, and you should rather be angry that someone is creating some cheap entertainment at your cost.

I’m not having a go at you, but you are panicking and you will make this worse for yourself if you start acting guilty. You seen to have already accepted that YOU did something wrong even you hadn’t at all.
Do yourself a favour and stop doubting yourself.

Humans are so incredibly stupid and will come up with wrong conclusions all the time. The next rumor will hit someone else

Jenneke87 · 01-04-2021 3:26pm

The damage is already done I'm afraid. I went by work today and people know and don't really seen to believe my version of events..

Fandymo · 01-04-2021 3:35pm

Jenneke87 wrote: »

The damage is already done I'm afraid. I went by work today and people know and don't really seen to believe my version of events..

What damage is done? Your colleagues erroneously think you had sex with someone. Unless you are a nun, whats the issue?

Xterminator · 01-04-2021 4:05pm

OP - Unless your working for a catholic school where unmarried people are forbidden from having sex then the damage is in your head.

People who gossip & speculate about other employees sex life, are not really nice people either, and the loss of their good opinion is not a loss at all.

Worst case scenario here is the local christian fundamentalist in your job (who hypocritically listens to watercooler gossip) might not now ask you out. Is there another consequence here that strangers could not foresee?

Airyfairy12 · 01-04-2021 4:35pm

I agree with other posters, this is a bigger deal in your head than it is in real life, this will blow over & everyone will forget. To add to this, it sounds like D didnt believe the gossip in the first place, its likely the person who started the rumour is known for this kind of thing and its unlikely anyone will take him seriously.
Move on, dont jeprodise your friendship with R by overthinking this whole thing.

Big Bag of Chips · 01-04-2021 4:40pm

Just ignore it. The more attention you give it the longer it will go on. I'd even wonder if people are deliberately winding you up, because they know you're easily wound up.

They'll be talking about someone else in a few days. Nothing happened, but you immediately jumped to feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed etc. Your colleagues will feed off that to keep this going! It's light entertainment for them. Just ignore it and look confused if somebody mentions it. Or play along and tell them that you've started a torrid affair and it's the perfect relationship because you get the fun and then send him home to his wife afterwards!

Honestly, nobody cares as much as you think they do.

qwerty13 · 01-04-2021 4:41pm

OP, I’m not being flippant when I ask this: why on Earth do you care?

PCeeeee · 01-04-2021 4:50pm

Jenneke87 wrote: »

The damage is already done I'm afraid. I went by work today and people know and don't really seen to believe my version of events..

The people.

Believe you to be a liar.

Or

Believe you shouldn't have sex with whoever you like.

I'm going to ask a question and please don't answer. If you were going to please spend the time you would have spent asking yourself the question. What is it you care about what these people think?

HildaOgdenx · 01-04-2021 4:59pm

It's every OP's prerogative to take advice given here or ignore it. And that's absolutely as it should be.

Most of us advised that you say nothing, yet you refer to nobody believing your 'version of events'. You mentioned that you weren't due at work until Sunday, but you 'went by work today'.

Is it possible that at some level you are enjoying the drama of all of this? And as mentioned by a pp, your colleagues know that it's easy to wind you up, and are doing just that?

I'm not having a dig at you, by the way, the above is just something to consider. And again your prerogative to ignore or take on board.
I still believe that you are blowing a nothing event, out of all proportion.

Loveinapril · 01-04-2021 5:00pm

This man is in an open relationship and you are single. If you did have sex then it doesn't really matter. You don't need to continue to change people's minds. It is their mistake. And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. You have a friend in that colleague, if people want to make up fairy stories, then let them! Although I would personally have an issue with a team leader essentially lying and telling people he saw you kissing someone when he didn't.

I would also be concerned with your language, saying you are "freaking out" and the damage being done. You are genuinely over reacting and panicking about something so ridiculous.

Big Bag of Chips · 01-04-2021 5:13pm

I agree with Loveinapril and was in fact coming back to say just that. Your language is over the top. Bordering on hysterical. Your thread title is "trouble in work" you describe freaking out and the damage being done.

What's the "trouble"? What is causing you to freak out? What damage is done?

It's like a self fulfilling prophecy. You wanted all these things, and then had to go looking for them. You might be really disappointed to find out that people aren't half as worked up about this as you are.

You are an adult woman who didn't have sex with a colleague. I honestly don't know what the trouble in work could be, what you're freaking out about and what damage is done.

But, if you are really thar bothered about gossip or the potential for rumours then you really should avoid all social situations alone with anyone of the opposite sex. It really is the only way to avoid all this

Jequ0n · 01-04-2021 5:13pm

So you turned up in work even though you are off until Sunday?
Sorry, but I’m not surprised that your colleagues don’t believe your side. You are totally acting like you are “guilty”(though I still don’t get why you’d have to feel that way).
The more you argue and discuss the longer this remains front page news at your workplace.

YOU are the one feeding the rumors at this stage

freshpopcorn · 01-04-2021 5:42pm

OP there is nothing to worry about.

Also in my experience your colleagues might be trying to wind you up also.

Rubberchikken · 01-04-2021 5:57pm

If it's true as you related, then let it go.
Focus on a guy who is available if you want a relationship.
Guys like this while he seems ok thrive on gathering up females. Bolsters their confidence.

LegacyUser · 01-04-2021 10:07pm

i wouldn't care what people said. I also wouldn't hang around with a member of the opposite sex who is in an open relationship and often chases people. People can do and live as they please but I do not think R's way of life is respectable to women and he is not the sort i would want ice cream or anything else with. It is just my opinion

Jenneke87 · 01-04-2021 10:24pm

Thanks to all who replied. Why I am working myself up so much about this is the following:

1: I don't want to be known as the woman who slept with a married man.

2: The reason I was at work today is because I had a call from my TM that my new entry pass was ready and to come pick it up.Which meant I saw some of my co-workers.

3: I'm very worried about potential consequences, such as gossip, bullying, no one believing me etc. This is a very close knit team and I already feel like the odd one out, and this isn't going to help.

sporina · 01-04-2021 10:47pm

OP - I am sorry you are experiencing this.. but to be honest, I think your problem lies deeper than the situation..

You need to have more confidence.. maybe you should work on that..? would you consider talking to a therapist? you seem to be lacking in self worth.. and I do not mean that as a criticism..

In the mean time.. I am sure this will all blow over.. your colleagues are also possibly taking the p**s a little.. try to ignore them.. I am sure they will find something else to gossip about v soon...

You have done NOTHING wrong.. why give yourself such a hard time.. you CANNOT control their behaviour.. hold your head up high - you have nothing to feel guilty about.. be good to you!

freshpopcorn · 01-04-2021 11:09pm

This reminds me of almost a situation at secondary school.
Two of the very good kids go missing for a few minutes and the whole class knows nothing happened but everybody pretends something did just to get a reaction out of them.

01-04-2021 11:10pm

OP I understand why you are upset. Morally, you would not sleep with a married man, and are now upset that people may think that you did something that is against your own ethics. i.e. if you actually did do something like that you would be angry and upset with yourself, hence in this situation were you did not do it but people may think you did, it feels very upsetting and unjust.

OP if you react or make noise, people may think there is more about things than there are e.g: "sure if you just got an ice-cream why are you getting worked up" etc.

I would just keep the head up, plough on, if anyone says anything just laugh and perhaps say something like "don't be stupid". If you get a hard time and there is slagging about it, you can complain. Men spreading rumors about female colleagues sleeping with other male colleagues is such a no no in todays's world, even if the rumours are true! It's harassment. If you word the complaint carefully you will get to see your manager go pale because it is so open and shut.

Zebrag · 02-04-2021 10:31am

Hi OP

You would absolutely hate it in my place. My job is just as bad, if not worst for the rumours to the point that HR have gladly allowed themselves to go along with these rumours to entertain themselves.

That's all it is, entertainment. Either these people added 2 + 2 and got 5 or it seems like they knew exactly it wasn't what it was, but for sheer entertainment and knowing what R is already like, they thought they'd make something up.

This is life. It's not nice. Often we encounter ourselves in situations we don't like or can't handle. How you hold yourself up is a different story. I've been in rumours like this myself and my answer is always... "Even if it did happen, what benifit does it have in your life". Usually that shuts people up and doesn't give anymore of a leg room (so to speak) to speak more about this supposed rumour. The more you hide away and look embarrassed, it gives more of a reason to contine this rumour.

Your damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Either ways, people make up stories. Factual or not but the issue lies here is, you're embarrassed at your own name being tarnished. Rest assured that if it wasn't you spotted, it would have been someone else and without realising you could be joining this rumour thankful it wasn't you.

It's you this week, next week it will be someone else.

I wouldn't be loosing sleep over it. R is a grown man and his marriage is his own, regardless if its open or not but I wouldn't be letting it effect you personally. If you class him as a dear friend then YOU know that's all it is. If others want to run away with a story that isn't factual, then let them. People are bored and this to me sounds like something had their gossip glasses on and ran away with it

leggo · 02-04-2021 11:32pm

If someone started asking me about my sex life, or made any comments whatsoever, I’d look at them like they had five heads and say “Why on earth are you discussing, thinking or asking me about my sex life, work colleague?” Because that points out how immature and inappropriate the whole discussion is and there’s literally nowhere they can go in answering that that isn’t immature and inappropriate, and because I’ve put that focus on it now it becomes obvious immediately. The ‘work colleague’ part also reminds them that they’re not in a position in my life where they get to have that kind of banter with me about my private life.

That’s how you draw a boundary in a professional workplace. But it has to be you who stands up for yourself and forces others to give you that respect. Unfortunately OP, there is no ‘fair’, there’s just how you choose to behave and be treated. There is zero harm in going for a walk with a colleague of the opposite sex (there’d be zero harm if you had sex with him either like they’re saying fwiw), but it does come with the risk of being seen and people speculating. That’s fine too but you then need to handle it properly by drawing a line that your life is your own, not up for discussion and you’re to be treated with respect by your colleagues. If you engage at all with the rumours and discussion beyond shutting it down, you permit and fuel it.

I know it can seem scary to do when you’re not used to it, but once you learn to shut this kinda stuff down and draw those boundaries, you see that it works and people respond and treat you differently. Even if you are less a ‘part of the gang’, is a gang who’d treat you like this one you want to be part of anyway?

eleventh · 04-04-2021 10:34pm

OP, what were you doing going on what seems like a date with someone who's in some weird situation. You made an error of judgement.

Now you can forget about it and move on, knowing everyone makes mistakes, especially when they're young. Or you can look for another job. If surrounded by colleagues who are unkind, not easy to get on with, that's reason enough to look for something else.

JustAThought · 05-04-2021 4:23pm

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Thanks to all who replied. Why I am working myself up so much about this is the following:

1: I don't want to be known as the woman who slept with a married man.

2: The reason I was at work today is because I had a call from my TM that my new entry pass was ready and to come pick it up.Which meant I saw some of my co-workers.

3: I'm very worried about potential consequences, such as gossip, bullying, no one believing me etc. This is a very close knit team and I already feel like the odd one out, and this isn't going to help.

If by close knit you mean cliquey and bullying then you are right. If you think all they are doing makes it close knit team then you have never experienced the support and solidarity of a close knit team.

Are all the rest of the team men OP? It sounds like it could be the kind of ragging that a group of mainly men will do with each other. Perhaps you are one of the few females in the group or dress and act in a mannish way around them so they feel comfortable with ragging you like the men.

Either way it’s a storm in a teacup. They might amuse themselves in an otherwise void of fun or entertainment by slagging you but its only for their own amusement and a bit of craic in the otherwise (I would assume) boring mundane world and daily grind of a train ticket sales environment.

It also strikes me that you might like the bit of attention from ‘R’ and maybe enjoy the idea of an affair or romantic duo with him - he did travel to bring you icecream and at your flirting/ prompting! Not that that matters at all -it was a good afternoon/evening and you enjoyed his company/hugs. Nothing wrong with that.

TBH all I can see here is you can travel, have lunch with someone, go out and sit down in a cafe, get a hug from someone who dosn’t feel they have to stay 6 foot away, and travel freely on a tram. Shops are open. Cafes are an option. Meeting someone for casual sex is an option. I’m quite jealous. Maybe count your blessings.

And if you want to have an affair or fling with him then do - and enjoy it.

Do you think any oth the other colleagues will not be having a friendship with someone they like because you might be intereated in gossiping about them? Do you think they’d deprive themselves of a fun friendship because of what you might think or say? No. So you don’t either.

Life is short. Even if you don’t feel like doing it just laugh it off and tell them you’ll be sure to invite them to the secret wedding next week. They are NOT that important - din’t let them take up occupation in your head or ruin your friendship / budding romance.

Gossip and trouble at work

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