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No communication between dates - how do I ask if he likes me

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  • #62
    seenitall
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,733 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Hi OP,

    You’re on here now because, while you already know the answer to the question you are eventually going to ask this guy, you are just having a bit of trouble processing it. Learn to trust your gut on these things, it is very rarely wrong. I completely get where you’re coming from, I’d be similar to you in that I’m quick-thinking and - acting and usually one step ahead of whatever is happening within the current dating situation. I’m impulsive and I act on my impulses and my intuition. But for that to work to your advantage, you need a clear head, a lot of determination, and an absolute trust in yourself and your decisions (self-confidence). Then you’re flying.

    You’ll get there, you just need a bit more practice. Everything comes with experience! ;) And when you get there, there will be no questions that you’ll need to ask this guy or anyone similar.


  • #63
    leggo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Hey OP, just saw your reply now.

    In terms of ‘no end goal in sight’, I meant describing your ideal scenario as someone you wanted to exclusively be with for a few months but not serious. I guess it’s poorly worded on my part because there is actually an end goal in sight there, but that’s kind of the problem: in practise you’re wanting two separate things within that one goal so it ends up meaning nothing.

    If I heard it for the first time I’d be horrifically confused at the mixed messages...it sounds like you actively want a break-up down the line or are hinting to them that you’ll ditch them when someone you like more comes along, but because you’re exclusive they don’t get to find someone else themselves. Having dated people like this, I’d run tbh if I heard that kind of wishy-washiness again...unless I didn’t see any future myself and didn’t mind keeping them around for when it suited me (but even then I wouldn’t agree to exclusivity in that case).

    And I actually agree with you that sleeping with someone early is fine and not an indicator either way, I don’t believe I’ve commented on that aspect because I don’t think it’s something that needs to be pulled up on. It wouldn’t be something I’d judge a woman or dating situation on in the slightest. If anything, I find people who are like “I need to wait X amount of dates” etc are more inclined to play games and have arbitrary hoops you need to jump through because they’re still carrying issues from past relationships or got bad advice. So nope, we’re same page on that one.


  • #64
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,025 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Apologies Leggo, it was a different poster/s who brought up the sex thing.

    Just to clarify a bit the lack of goals on my part - I told this guy I wanted a relationship at the start - there was no wishy washiness.

    My profiles state I’m looking for a relationship, and I say it at the start every time I’m chatting to somebody new.

    But thanks for your insight. Something I’ve just thought of now - occasionally I make the odd joke about not wanting anything serious, I clarify it’s a joke but maybe that’s actually not something to joke about and might give off the wrong impression. For me it’s just a bit of harmless banter. In hindsight not such a good idea. So thank you for that perspective!


  • #65
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,407 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    YellowLead wrote: »
    Apologies Leggo, it was a different poster/s who brought up the sex thing.

    Just to clarify a bit the lack of goals on my part - I told this guy I wanted a relationship at the start - there was no wishy washiness.

    My profiles state I’m looking for a relationship, and I say it at the start every time I’m chatting to somebody new.

    But thanks for your insight. Something I’ve just thought of now - occasionally I make the odd joke about not wanting anything serious, I clarify it’s a joke but maybe that’s actually not something to joke about and might give off the wrong impression. For me it’s just a bit of harmless banter. In hindsight not such a good idea. So thank you for that perspective!



    That would sound very much like a mixed message. Particularly if you keep repeating it. If you keep repeating it, despite you saying it's a joke then that is what he is going to believe. It might be early days yet, but if you are treating the 'relationship' as a joke, then there's no reason for him to believe you are taking it or him seriously.

    Imagine the following scenario (based on what you have posted here) and it's this guy posting on boards, it might read as follows:

    Met this woman on Tinder, she stated on her profile that she was looking for a relationship, met up with her, we got along well, have made an effort, always have the house tidy, have put in the effort on food and drinks, we've met for four dates, I've suggested three of them. She told me at the start she wanted a relationship, yet when it comes up in conversation she always says she's looking for something casual. She always says it a jokey sort of way, but I don't know if she's serious or not because she never clarifies if she's actually looking for a relationship. Don't want to get too heavily invested if she's only looking for something casual.

    What would you reply to this guy OP?


  • #66
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,025 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Thanks for your post. That’s not exactly how it flows though. I said it at the start quite a few times that I was looking for a relationship. The subject has not come up again. If it did I would say I was looking for a relationship - I wouldn’t joke if we were having that kind of discussion.

    An example of the joke might be if my phone made a sound and he said do you want to get that, I might have said oh that’s just my hinge going off I don’t need to get that and we both laughed and I said only joking its not. Or because we’ve met on Fridays quite a bit I made a joke when he asked does Friday suit that all my other dates would think I was his favourite because I was keeping all my Friday nights for him. I clarified I was only teasing. That’s just my way - but maybe I need to cut that out and keep those jokes for friends only! Thanks :)

    Oh and to answer your question what would I tell the guy in that scenario - I’d tell him to just ask what she is looking for.

    But I’m not sure that’s what is at play here, I think he’s just not that in to me. If he was, I don’t think a few jokes would be putting him off. Who knows!


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  • #67
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,025 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Thank you so much to all who posted. My plan is not to text and ask, but if he asks me out again I will bring it up in person. If he says no he says no and I can look for somebody else who does. And if he says he is open to exploring a relationship with me - then I will clarify that in order to be heading in that direction I need more communication.
    If he isn’t into that, well then that is the end of it or I could be left with this uncertain limbo for months.

    Mods - you can close the thread whenever you have a moment as my original question has been resolved. Thanks.


  • #68
    Hannibal_Smith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,426 ✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Closed as per OP's request.

    Thanks everyone.

    HS


This discussion has been closed.
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