Right to Block Him?

LegacyUser · 02-03-2021 06:17PM #1

I was in a relationship for 2 years with a man who I hoped I was going to marry. It was however a long distance relationship so we only saw each other at weekends and when we were on holiday together. Otherwise, it was great. I actually knew him for many years before we go together as we do the same sport.

Then shortly into the first lockdown, he phoned me up to tell me he was seeing someone else now. I was really shocked, as I'd had no hint of this. I thought we were really happy, there were no arguments, nothing to indicate that we would be breaking up at all. In fact, I'd been actively looking for a job in his city and was quite likely to find one.

It was a very short phone call, he broke it off by saying he was "busy" after a couple of minutes, so thats all I had to go on. He point blank refused to meet up in person and to date, I've never seen him since (8 months later). I did a bit of online searching and found some comments from his Facebook on another girl's page and pieced two and two together. It was quite obvious that he had been messing around with her while we were still together and that he had invited her to his for dinner on certain dates (she had posted about it on her public page with photos of his house although not naming him).

She also posted sort of sexually descriptive things that I found a bit disgusting around that time which I won't repeat here - kind of hard to explain but she was using a lot of sexual terminology but pretending she was talking about something else, and uses bad language a lot. I've met her briefly in the past and we have a few mutual friends so I think thats why he told me - because I would find out. He on the other hand presents himself as a sort of shy, old fashioned sort of man who is really quite formal and highly moral/judgmental of others, so he's obviously done a complete number on me.

He also hasn't returned some of my belongings (a duvet, a pillow, a silk sheet and pillowcase) and refuses to do so because he says "its better if we don't meet up".

So overall, he has behaved like a rat. So once I felt a bit better I began to feel quite angry and I sent him a text message after not being in contact for 6 months, telling him I was blocking him because he had behaved so badly. I specified exactly what was wrong with his behaviour without being abusive or accusatory and said he was the sort of guy I'd have avoided if I'd known what he was really like and that he was getting a bad reputation (this is true, because a couple of friends told me other stuff about him).

Was this cruel or fair? Warranted or unwarranted? I'd ignored him for so long and it kind of felt like he'd got away with it with no comeback or criticism. I know he got the text because all the posts on the woman's FB disappeared/probably went private the next day! I can actually sleep fine now whereas before I sent the text, I was having nightmares about him.

Thoughts?

Taeholic · 02-03-2021 11:25PM

I feel for you OP, you're obviously still very upset about your break up but it's not healthy for you. How he treated you was horrible, he didn't give you a second thought. But he showed you his true colours and thats not someone you should want in your life.

Forget your stuff he still has, it's gone. He's moved on and so should you. You deserve to be happy. You being angry or upset doesn't effect his life and it doesn't change anything for him. It's been 8 months and I mean this in the kindest possible way, you need to move on.

Yes you have every right to block him but he has every right to date who he wants. Even if he was nasty about it and handled it so badly, he still doesn't owe you anything. If he was a good person he would have done the decent thing and had a full conversation with you. But he didn't and its his loss.

Stop snooping on both of their pages, find a way to distract yourself when you're tempted and most of all let yourself be happy without him. From what you've described you are lucky to be rid of such an uncaring ahole. Maybe try writing him letters to let your anger go but BURN the letters. Do not give this man and his ego another minute of your time. You deserve better

Tork · 03-03-2021 01:10AM

I hope that text you sent him is the last contact you have with him because it didn't do you any favours. Your behaviour has likely confirmed for him that he was right to dump you. It is true that he didn't behave in the nicest way but at least you found out before you'd moved locations or committed further to him. He isn't a nice guy and this woman is welcome to him.

You are coming across a bit like a crazy ex, openly stalking their Facebook pages and popping up unexpectedly months later to throw a hissy fit. And let's be honest here, that text you sent was designed to provoke a reaction and to pick at a wound you refuse to let heal. As for those bedclothes, are they really that important? Or are they a thinly disguised excuse to see him again? Going by his behaviour before this, he'd rather stick hot needles in his eyes than see you again. If he's that inconsiderate, he has probably enjoyed sexy time with this other woman between your sheets anyway...

LegacyUser · 03-03-2021 01:16AM

Taeholic wrote: »

I feel for you OP, you're obviously still very upset about your break up but it's not healthy for you. How he treated you was horrible, he didn't give you a second thought. But he showed you his true colours and thats not someone you should want in your life.

Forget your stuff he still has, it's gone. He's moved on and so should you. You deserve to be happy. You being angry or upset doesn't effect his life and it doesn't change anything for him. It's been 8 months and I mean this in the kindest possible way, you need to move on.

Yes you have every right to block him but he has every right to date who he wants. Even if he was nasty about it and handled it so badly, he still doesn't owe you anything. If he was a good person he would have done the decent thing and had a full conversation with you. But he didn't and its his loss.

Stop snooping on both of their pages, find a way to distract yourself when you're tempted and most of all let yourself be happy without him. From what you've described you are lucky to be rid of such an uncaring ahole. Maybe try writing him letters to let your anger go but BURN the letters. Do not give this man and his ego another minute of your time. You deserve better

Thanks for your response. I should have made it clearer that it was 2 months ago that I sent the text. I was actually so keen to block him that I was struggling to do so on my phone after I sent the text and was nervous he was going to respond or something, so ... I threw away the phone in the communal bins. I had to get a new phone and number but it was worth it. I have no way of contacting him now and me neither, but I feel like I've taken back some control.

It was such a bad break up that I have no interest in men now and theres no point in dating while I feel like this. I'm sure I would have got to this stage much quicker it it weren't for lockdown and I was able to meet up with friends as usual.

I was just so disgusted at him, because I thought, stupidly, that I was safe from being played by someone I'd know for so long - its not as if I met him through internet dating or something. Its almost as if he engineered it to be as bad a break up as possible (I got the phone call 5 days before my birthday).

Yurt2 · 03-03-2021 01:36AM

Nothing wrong with the message you sent OP. He behaved in a pretty dirtbag fashion all in all, and displayed cowardice in not telling the truth about the nature of the relationship with another woman.

As for the other posters saying she didn't do herself any favours? I disagree, she called out the man's behaviour for what it was and let him know she knew the truth. Narcissists often want to have their crappy behaviour hidden and their good name held intact so they can go on repeating the trick. Well, too bad, because the OP figured out the truth, gave it to him both barrels, and it's not like she's going to take him back anyway. Good for you OP. You've taken some of the power back that he stole from you.

Best of luck - you deserve better. That kind of carry-on you experienced is on the sh*tty end of the spectrum and I hope you find a decent man that will treat you better. In fact, I guarantee you will.

qwerty13 · 03-03-2021 07:50AM

Do you honestly want bedclothes back, after you know he was seeing someone else at the same time?

Ok, so you’ve vented, expressed your anger. And it seems like that needed to come out. However, if you wanted him to feel bad, it has totally backfired on you - it will make him feel better, and able to justify his bad behaviour, especially given that you said all of this months later. Write a letter/email saying how you feel. As many times as you need to. But do not send them.

He doesn’t care that you’ve blocked him. So you’re agonising over something that means nothing to him. Doubtful he’d even notice. I don’t say that to be mean, but he has moved on (in an underhanded way), but all of your actions show that you are still stuck in the past, and you’re trying to make yourself feel better by lashing out at him.

Try to focus on your positives and move on, with therapy if you think it might help. I do understand where you’re coming from, but your actions are going to be water off a ducks back to him - or worse, let him convince himself that he was right not to be with you. You need to find a way to close this chapter of your life down, and move on (with professional help if necessary).

Your question (and thoughts) should not be whether it was unfair to block him or not. Your thoughts should be how you move on from here. Your actions were neither cruel nor unfair, just self-defeating.

03-03-2021 08:44AM

Why does it matter to you if the text was cruel/fair or warranted/unwarranted? That's what you should really be asking yourself...why do you care? You sent it, it's done, move on. Moving on doesn't negate the universal sh1ttiness of what he did - it frees you up to meet someone new and hopefully be happy. As for the sheets....consider those the price of having someone like him out of your life. In time you'll realise that's a price well worth paying.

Jequ0n · 03-03-2021 09:08AM

Sorry OP but if my ex sent me a random ranting text like that months after the breakup I’d probably laugh.

Why after all this time?
Why would you focus your efforts on them and not on yourself?

And why block him/ announce to do so if he doesn’t seem to have any interest in contacting you?

YellowLead · 03-03-2021 09:38AM

Two wrongs don’t make a right I’m afraid.

His behaviour was clearly ****ty and any of us would be very hurt and upset.

However the time to respond was when he did the breaking up. 6 months later just makes you appear unhinged, and the two of them probably had a good laugh about it.

I don’t understand the getting in touch to tell him you are blocking him after 6 months of no contact- he clearly won’t care. Looking for a. Few bedsheets makes you sound petty.

For your own sake now stop dwelling on this or you’ll never heal.

I don’t agree with ****ty behaviour by men or think it’s a valid excuse - but some would say they are often afraid to be open with women because they are afraid of crazy dramatic reactions. If I were him I’d be worried you might pop up in another 6 months time, this time outside his door!

You were treated like crap, there’s no question, accept that, tell yourself you deserve more and that the next time a guy treats you like **** you will hold your head high and move on instead of dwelling and trying to look for some kind of revenge. Good luck OP - we all mean well with our advice.

Thelonious Monk · 03-03-2021 11:12AM

It must be a hard pill to swallow but he met someone else and he mustn't have been that into by the time you split up. At least he was up front about it. These things happen in life unfortunately. There really would have been no point in you meeting up anyway.

Taeholic · 03-03-2021 11:16AM

I was just so disgusted at him, because I thought, stupidly, that I was safe from being played by someone I'd know for so long - its not as if I met him through internet dating or something. Its almost as if he engineered it to be as bad a break up as possible (I got the phone call 5 days before my birthday).

Its good that you have no way to contact him and vice versa. From what you've described he would probably enjoy the ego boost or attention. You've told him how you feel but it's still very raw for you, I honestly do suggest that you put pen to paper whenever you're feeling overwhelmed or angry. It has helped me massively with a bad break up.

Break ups are devastating at the best of times but no doubt lockdown makes it that much harder. You don't have the support of your friends or the distraction.

Dumping you a few days before your birthday only spells out what a horrible human being he is. He's not worth another minute of your time.

There's no rush to start dating again its still too raw for you. Focus on yourself and what you want in life including what kind of relationship you want. Learn from this, there were probably red flags you ignored but don't blame yourself either. Use it for when you're ready to start dating again

Thelonious Monk · 03-03-2021 11:31AM

Why does dumping her before her birthday make him a horrible human being? He had to do it sometime.

Tork · 03-03-2021 11:33AM

OP, do you have a history of anxiety or anything like that? I'm reading through what you've written and it's making me wonder. There are some really over-dramatic gestures here. Throwing away a perfectly good phone and getting a brand new number doesn't sound like taking control to me. Nor does ruminating about a text you sent two months ago to somebody who dumped you quite some time before. Even your theory about him breaking up with you five days before your birthday is a bit over-wrought. My take on it is that he was putting off ending the relationship for a while, then decided he'd better end it before he had to pretend to be a loving boyfriend. It is now eight months since all of this happened and you don't sound like you have progressed very far in the meantime. I think it might be time for you to talk to a professional and see if you can get past this.

bitofabind · 03-03-2021 11:35AM

Hi OP. I've been around the block on these boards and I spot a few common themes in the personal / relationship issues people tend to have.

The first is when a trauma happens, people avoid actually going through the trauma and end up dealing with much bigger problems down the line connected to their own behaviour E.G addiction, erratic / impulsive behaviour, destructive relationships etc.

The second, and very connected to the first, is that people don't take responsibility for their own emotional regulation. Trauma provokes deep and complicated feelings in people, and they don't go away until you look them in the face and deal with them constructively, and with compassion, but not looking them in the face is where life gets very destructive and even more painful for people. It's where patterns emerge, where you end up lashing out at people six months later and questioning every move you make, "was this right?"...."what's wrong with me?" rather than parenting yourself through something very difficult and building resilience over time.

Lashing out at an ex that has clearly moved on and throwing a phone in the bin because you used that phone to text him is not healthy or constructive behaviour. I think we can all agree on that. Having been in similar circumstances, I know it leaves you feeling a bit silly and embarrassed and adds to the shame of it all. The bigger question is, what are the ways that you have abandoned yourself to the point of this seeming like a reasonable thing to do so many months later? How could you have been kinder to yourself when you were going through the breakup? How can you be kinder to yourself now? And what is it that you actually need?

You can't control others' behaviour and you will meet many more assholes in the future, in all walks of life. Work, relationships, family, friends, whatever. You CAN control your own behaviour though and make choices as to what works and what doesn't work for you based on your own needs. For example, when you were going through the breakup, you needed kindness, someone to throw their arms around you and tell you it would be ok, a trusted friend to talk to, a therapist maybe, time alone to cry and process the betrayal of it all. A chance to process some very hard and painful feelings. A break from dating, a lot of self-care and a way to build yourself up again without letting this trauma leads to some negative beliefs about who you are and what you're worth. You didn't need to sit and stew and cyber stalk and become completely entrenched in his life and land yourself to the actions you took. That's just more trauma on top of trauma and it kicks the healing down the road.

My advice now: stop and start healing. What do you need? What are the feelings you haven't dealt with yet and what is it that you haven't gotten past? Don't start beating yourself up over texting and blocking out a toxic person. More blame and shame here is not what you need. Forget yesterday, think about today. He's gone now, toast, old news. What now? What's next for you?

LegacyUser · 03-03-2021 11:42AM

Yurt! wrote: »

Nothing wrong with the message you sent OP. He behaved in a pretty dirtbag fashion all in all, and displayed cowardice in not telling the truth about the nature of the relationship with another woman.

As for the other posters saying she didn't do herself any favours? I disagree, she called out the man's behaviour for what it was and let him know she knew the truth. Narcissists often want to have their crappy behaviour hidden and their good name held intact so they can go on repeating the trick. Well, too bad, because the OP figured out the truth, gave it to him both barrels, and it's not like she's going to take him back anyway. Good for you OP. You've taken some of the power back that he stole from you.

Best of luck - you deserve better. That kind of carry-on you experienced is on the sh*tty end of the spectrum and I hope you find a decent man that will treat you better. In fact, I guarantee you will.

Thanks. I also sent the text because I didnt want him creeping back one day. We went out a few years previously for a few months too and he dumped me then out of the blue as well, saying he wanted to do Internet dating.

Stupidly, I thought he had matured (he's 40 now). The whole thing was just really, really strange and I wouldn't wish dealing with someone treating you like that on anyone. I really have had enough of him. He's very charismatic and good looking and I don't want to be recycled and sucked in by him ever again.

I think some of the responses show how society tries to condition women into being meek and mild, and not calling out men for their bad behaviour, in case the man thinks badly of them. Why would I care what he thinks about me? He's not worth thinking about. In fact, why would anyone care about what someone who behaves like him thinks? He can't even hold down a job. His parents give him money. I want him to know I'm not taken in by him any more and never will be again.

Sometimes, when you've been sucked into what you think is the "ideal relationship", it takes time to process what has happened. This post is part of me processing the unusual ending of this relationship - I don't have many people to talk to during lockdown, wfh, etc..

I definately don't want those bedding items back now!! Bleurgh! They were expensive and they definately weren't his but I'd just have thrown them away if he had returned them.

Oh, and I didnt "stalk" his new partner - we are FB friends so I just looked at her page. There aren't even any photos of them together, but she sounds... disturbed. She used to sound happy. He keeps parts of his life secret and he's probably just using her. I hope she'll be OK but obviously I wouldn't contact her about him or anything.

It wasn't a "ranting text" either. It was short and to the point, making it clear that I found his behaviour unacceptable and no longer found him attractive because of it and never would do so again, and stating that I was blocking him because I didn't want him to think I thought well of him.

Taeholic · 03-03-2021 11:43AM

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Why does dumping her before her birthday make him a horrible human being? He had to do it sometime.

I should clarify a horrible human being to her. OP suggests he had been seeing this girl while they were together and her birthday is obviously a big deal to her.

I'm sure they had plans for the day and how they would celebrate. Instead he dumps her a few days before her birthday. He should have ended things before he started seeing someone else, I think it's cold to do that just before her birthday. That's just my opinion

Hannibal_Smith · 03-03-2021 11:54AM

OP, he told you a year ago that he was seeing someone else. He treated you horribly, there's no doubting that. To get a call like that out of the blue must have been like a kick in the gut.

Two months ago, which is almost 10 months after the break up you sent him the text and blocked him.

Two months later, you are wondering whether you were right to send the text and block him. This is almost a year after the break up.

I get that it was a horrible break up and that it was going to take time to come to terms with, but you're nearly a year on. I don't think anyone is trying to condition you into saying nothing - its the timing of it all.

If you needed to get it off your chest and it helped you move on - great. But don't second guess yourself now. Use your time now to let it go and look forward, not back.

YellowLead · 03-03-2021 12:11PM

OP - he dumped you out of the blue once and yet you took him back. This is a sign that you ignored red flags here which in turn is a sign of low self esteem - I hope you can work on this because if you don’t I am afraid guys like him will keep taking advantage.

Posters who have said the texting him wasn’t a healthy idea are saying so because you did so out of the blue 6 months later, we are not saying you should be meek and not call a man out. Accepting him back after he dumps you out of the blue is being meek in my opinion.

Regarding the bedding - you did say in your initial post that he wouldn’t give it back, so we can only go on what you post, but thanks for clarifying that you don’t actually want it back.

Stating you are blocking him as a way of letting him know you don’t think well of him is a bit extreme - you could show that by not getting in touch. And not responding if he ever comes calling in the future. Telling him you are blocking him when he hasn’t even tried to contact you will make him think you are obsessed with him.

You deserve a guy who treats you well, and you deserve happiness. You went through trauma as another poster mentioned - be kind to yourself but also acknowledge and own up to your own erratic behaviour. That’s how you heal and prevent this recurring.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2021 12:39PM

Tork wrote: »

OP, do you have a history of anxiety or anything like that? I'm reading through what you've written and it's making me wonder. There are some really over-dramatic gestures here. Throwing away a perfectly good phone and getting a brand new number doesn't sound like taking control to me. Nor does ruminating about a text you sent two months ago to somebody who dumped you quite some time before. Even your theory about him breaking up with you five days before your birthday is a bit over-wrought. My take on it is that he was putting off ending the relationship for a while, then decided he'd better end it before he had to pretend to be a loving boyfriend. It is now eight months since all of this happened and you don't sound like you have progressed very far in the meantime. I think it might be time for you to talk to a professional and see if you can get past this.

The only drama in my life has been related to him. We were on a few years ago, then off and he was adamant no contact, then a couple of years later he got back in touch and we he was sorry about what he did before, it was a mistake, he felt really strongly about me and wanted us to be together forever, etc. Then bam! The sudden dumping again.

Even before we got together, and I knew him socially, I could never quite figure him out. Sometimes he seemed keen, other times totally disinterested but never any obvious reason for it. I actually know now that he had a girlfriend then, but he didn't tell any of us that he did - we all thought he was single and "shy".

So I suppose you could say he's been messing with my head for a while. Perhaps I didn't have enough drama in my life and was drawn to him because of that! I'm done with this kind of drama now...

I really think its a very unusual ability to be able to switch your emotions on and off the minute a relationship ends, and its not one I think I'd actually like to possess. But the fact that I still want to talk about what happened doesn't mean I'm not over him or want him back (I really wouldn't touch with a bargepole now) but it simply means that I'm a human being with a relatively normal cerebral response to a relationship ending. Thanks for your reply though.

Yurt2 · 03-03-2021 12:47PM

YellowLead wrote: »

Stating you are blocking him as a way of letting him know you don’t think well of him is a bit extreme - you could show that by not getting in touch. And not responding if he ever comes calling in the future. Telling him you are blocking him when he hasn’t even tried to contact you will make him think you are obsessed with him.

Again, I don't think it's all that extreme. She was being cheated on for quite a period of time when she thought she was in a stable relationship. He didn't have the guts to admit it and left it on a lie and the fog of half-truth that conveniently left his name somewhat intact. To me that's a form of gaslighting.

I know we're not all made of the same stuff, but we have a responsibility to people we get in a relationship with to leave them as we found them as best we can, even if the relationship is not to be. How hard is it for some people to hold their hands up and admit that they were cheating and mistreating another person? Very hard apparently. It's a huge character failing and to cut and run over the phone breadcrumbing the truth is not respecting the other person and leaves them questioning reality.

I know if I was to be cheated on by a partner, I'd want to know the truth so I could file that person under 'a*shole' in my brain, and it would help me move on. The guy denied her that right.

The OP got what she needed. She said she couldn't sleep right before that message, now she can. That's a result right there. And good for her I say.

Thelonious Monk · 03-03-2021 01:10PM

Yurt! wrote: »

How hard is it for some people to hold their hands up and admit that they were cheating and mistreating another person? Very hard apparently. It's a huge character failing and to cut and run over the phone breadcrumbing the truth is not respecting the other person and leaves them questioning reality.

We never know the ins and outs of these stories but he might have his own reasons for cutting her off the way he did, maybe she was dramatic all the time or intense or god knows what. It usually takes two to tango in all relationships, good or bad. I think people often post here just to validate their thoughts and feelings, but remember you only know a heavily biased one side of a story.
The best thing she can do now is cut her losses and not analyse his behaviour, it wont get her anywhere.

Jequ0n · 03-03-2021 01:19PM

Yurt! wrote: »

Again, I don't think it's all that extreme. She was being cheated on for quite a period of time when she thought she was in a stable relationship. He didn't have the guts to admit it and left it on a lie and the fog of half-truth that conveniently left his name somewhat intact. To me that's a form of gaslighting.

I know we're not all made of the same stuff, but we have a responsibility to people we get in a relationship with to leave them as we found them as best we can, even if the relationship is not to be. How hard is it for some people to hold their hands up and admit that they were cheating and mistreating another person? Very hard apparently. It's a huge character failing and to cut and run over the phone breadcrumbing the truth is not respecting the other person and leaves them questioning reality.

I know if I was to be cheated on by a partner, I'd want to know the truth so I could file that person under 'a*shole' in my brain, and it would help me move on. The guy denied her that right.

The OP got what she needed. She said she couldn't sleep right before that message, now she can. That's a result right there. And good for her I say.

And what exactly was achieved here? She was ignored after an emotional outburst. I am glad to hear that this seems to gave resolved some of the pent up anger but that’s the only good thing that came with it. It is far outweighed by all the negatives (which other posters already outlined more eloquently than I could)

“I will block you in case you will try to contact me in the future, even though you have been avoiding engaging me with me so far” makes no sense unless it was done to force a reaction. Same thing applies to the thinly veiled threat that you are talking about him to shared acquaintances.

What was said/ sent is done but I hope the OP leaves it there and moves on now

03-03-2021 01:20PM

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

It must be a hard pill to swallow but he met someone else and he mustn't have been that into by the time you split up. At least he was up front about it. These things happen in life unfortunately. There really would have been no point in you meeting up anyway.

I have to agree with this.

Though you may not think so, at least he did break up with you. Many others would have just cheated and kept you dangling but he didn't.

What he did wasn't very nice, but it was better then dragging it on.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2021 01:31PM

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

We never know the ins and outs of these stories but he might have his own reasons for cutting her off the way he did, maybe she was dramatic all the time or intense or god knows what. It usually takes two to tango in all relationships, good or bad. I think people often post here just to validate their thoughts and feelings, but remember you only know a heavily biased one side of a story.
The best thing she can do now is cut her losses and not analyse his behaviour, it wont get her anywhere.

It my feeling that he doesn't want a serious relationship, but knew I would only sleep with him if we were in one. He knows that I wouldn't accept being messed around or cheated on so dumped me because he knew I would find out about this woman because we know each other and have mutual friends. Its my suspicion (confirmed by another friend) that he was messing around with at least one other woman while we were together (the other friend saw them together walking hand in hand and she thinks kissing but she didn't tell me as she didn't realise we were going out together!)

I don't think he's that prolific - I think he's more of an opportunist and likes casual things when the chance presents. I think it suited him very well to be in a long distance relationship with me.

As for being "intense", well if not wanting to be cheated on and having to get an STD test in the middle of lockdown is being "intense", then so be it.

I find analysing his behaviour really helpful, as it makes me aware of all the red flags I should'nt have ignored and will be aware of in future. It also helps me find him unattractive and unappealing, so that I'll never be tempted to go back to him. I cried quite a lot when he first dumped me; I couldn't cry about him now even if I tried.

He is quite an unusual sort of man and one I think I will easily be able to avoid in future.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2021 01:35PM

Jequ0n wrote: »

And what exactly was achieved here? She was ignored after an emotional outburst. I am glad to hear that this seems to gave resolved some of the pent up anger but that’s the only good thing that came with it. It is far outweighed by all the negatives (which other posters already outlined more eloquently than I could)

“I will block you in case you will try to contact me in the future, even though you have been avoiding engaging me with me so far” makes no sense unless it was done to force a reaction. Same thing applies to the thinly veiled threat that you are talking about him to shared acquaintances.

What was said/ sent is done but I hope the OP leaves it there and moves on now

I am leaving it here and have moved on. I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on. Pretending something hasn't happened isn't exactly moving on in the way you imagine it to be. Being able to talk about something and being able to wonder what you ever saw in someone isn't a sign of moving on, you say? The text was to take back control, because he had been able to dictate everything, despite being the one who cheated. Taking back control helped me to move on.

And I'm really sorry to say this, but the use of the word "outburst" by any man is one of those red flags I mentioned in my earlier post, as is manipulating words that you think I'm supposed to have said. Best to stick to facts.

Yurt2 · 03-03-2021 01:36PM

Jequ0n wrote: »

And what exactly was achieved here? She was ignored after an emotional outburst. I am glad to hear that this seems to gave resolved some of the pent up anger but that’s the only good thing that came with it. It is far outweighed by all the negatives (which other posters already outlined more eloquently than I could)

Of course it's emotional. Humans are emotional creatures, and being cheated on by someone you trust is one of the most difficult things to go through.

The OP was left in the rubble of half-truths sifting through another man's cowardice trying to find reality in the mess. That's her truth and sometimes being angry at that is the correct and natural reaction.

He tried to run away from the difficult reality that he was betraying someone over a significant period of time.

She fired a shot at him letting him know she knows he's a sh*t-head and that he was disguising indefinitely. No harm whatsoever.

Nobody reading this would like being put through that, and it's easier said than done turning the other cheek when there's lying going on because cheaters want to protect their sense of self over and above the dignity of the betrayed partner. She's already sleeping better so I think it's made her moving on easier. Result.

OP, if I were to leave you on one thing it would be this: being angry and hurt at being betrayed and lied to is a natural feeling. And the man that ran away now knows you know the truth and his attempts to run away from what he did are in the open. The next chapter of your life awaits you. Make the most of it.

03-03-2021 02:30PM

Yurt! wrote: »

Again, I don't think it's all that extreme. She was being cheated on for quite a period of time when she thought she was in a stable relationship. .

The OP never said how long she thinks he was seeing this other person for before he told her. It could have been a month, it could have been a week. She pieced a bit of it together from FB.

No one is saying what he did wasn't a bit cruel. But people break up. It happens. We don't know how long he was thinking about ending things wth the OP before he did it, but he could have done worse, he could have continued to dangle the OP on while hedging his bets. Many others would have. He also could have lied and not mentioned seeing someone else.

He didn't do either. He broke up with her, told her why, and moved on. She should too.

As for breaking up 5 days before a birthday? C'mon, they're late 30s/40. Not teenagers.

Xterminator · 03-03-2021 02:40PM

I also sent the text because I didnt want him creeping back one day.

Surely you making (angry and emotional) contact with him after months of radio silence is not the way to achieve this goal.
If that was your aim, the solution was to block him without speaking to him.

i don't think you have done a lot wrong in the scheme of things. He has wronged you - grievously. But you responses do not indicate a healthy state of mind for the OP.

The last poster said

No harm whatsoever.

but i believe there is harm in allowing yourself to engage in destructive patterns of behaviour. I would have very little worry about the state of mind of the ex partner - he has clearly moved on. But the OP should endeavour to move on too, and often i have seen advice like "write them a letter with your thoughts, but burn it dont send it" as cathartic.

Sending them a text after months of no contact then toss that phone in the bin because it is soiled would not fall under that category for me. Its over the top, because numbers can be blocked, and phone number can be changed! Old texts can be deleted.

It is an indication OP has unresolved anger issues, and these anger issues will be like a millstone, preventing her moving on, and forming healthy future relationships.

Hannibal_Smith · 03-03-2021 02:47PM

I find analysing his behaviour really helpful, as it makes me aware of all the red flags I should'nt have ignored and will be aware of in future.

Thats great if talking about helps you get something constructive out of it.

I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on.

You're asking whether blocking him or sending the text was unfair or unwarranted and asked for advice on it.

Being honest it really doesn't read like you have moved on. It reads like you're trying to convince yourself that you have. There's nothing wrong with that, given what he did. But at some stage you have to let it go. By all means take what you've learned with you. The text was sent and you blocked him. It was something you had to do and it wasn't unfair or unwarranted but its done, don't waste any more time second guessing it.

YellowLead · 03-03-2021 02:49PM

Transient Spinner wrote: »

I am leaving it here and have moved on. I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on. Pretending something hasn't happened isn't exactly moving on in the way you imagine it to be. Being able to talk about something and being able to wonder what you ever saw in someone isn't a sign of moving on, you say? The text was to take back control, because he had been able to dictate everything, despite being the one who cheated. Taking back control helped me to move on.
.

Hi OP,

We are all just posting our thoughts as you did ask for advice as to whether you did the right thing or not. If you are convinced you did and just want everybody to say - yes you are right to have sent that text....then it seems you are looking for validation and sympathy and not advice!

Or is there some question for us you are not directly asking?

Jequ0n · 03-03-2021 03:01PM

Transient Spinner wrote: »

I am leaving it here and have moved on. I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on. Pretending something hasn't happened isn't exactly moving on in the way you imagine it to be. Being able to talk about something and being able to wonder what you ever saw in someone isn't a sign of moving on, you say? The text was to take back control, because he had been able to dictate everything, despite being the one who cheated. Taking back control helped me to move on.

And I'm really sorry to say this, but the use of the word "outburst" by any man is one of those red flags I mentioned in my earlier post, as is manipulating words that you think I'm supposed to have said. Best to stick to facts.

Ok so you say this helped you to regain control. I’m glad to hear this but am wondering why you felt the need to open a thread now, 2 months after the event.

I get wanting to let go of the anger but why does he still occupy your mind months after you blocked him?

I am not having a go at you, I just don’t really understand how thisy has had any positive change for you.

Regarding analysis: be careful not to interpret things in a way that fits your narrative which can happen if you aren’t objective (same for every person, not just you). And don’t use it to give yourself reason to keep checking up on him, or else you’ll never get out of this

Right to Block Him?

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