Right to Block Him?

LegacyUser

I was in a relationship for 2 years with a man who I hoped I was going to marry. It was however a long distance relationship so we only saw each other at weekends and when we were on holiday together. Otherwise, it was great. I actually knew him for many years before we go together as we do the same sport.

Then shortly into the first lockdown, he phoned me up to tell me he was seeing someone else now. I was really shocked, as I'd had no hint of this. I thought we were really happy, there were no arguments, nothing to indicate that we would be breaking up at all. In fact, I'd been actively looking for a job in his city and was quite likely to find one.

It was a very short phone call, he broke it off by saying he was "busy" after a couple of minutes, so thats all I had to go on. He point blank refused to meet up in person and to date, I've never seen him since (8 months later). I did a bit of online searching and found some comments from his Facebook on another girl's page and pieced two and two together. It was quite obvious that he had been messing around with her while we were still together and that he had invited her to his for dinner on certain dates (she had posted about it on her public page with photos of his house although not naming him).

She also posted sort of sexually descriptive things that I found a bit disgusting around that time which I won't repeat here - kind of hard to explain but she was using a lot of sexual terminology but pretending she was talking about something else, and uses bad language a lot. I've met her briefly in the past and we have a few mutual friends so I think thats why he told me - because I would find out. He on the other hand presents himself as a sort of shy, old fashioned sort of man who is really quite formal and highly moral/judgmental of others, so he's obviously done a complete number on me.

He also hasn't returned some of my belongings (a duvet, a pillow, a silk sheet and pillowcase) and refuses to do so because he says "its better if we don't meet up".


So overall, he has behaved like a rat. So once I felt a bit better I began to feel quite angry and I sent him a text message after not being in contact for 6 months, telling him I was blocking him because he had behaved so badly. I specified exactly what was wrong with his behaviour without being abusive or accusatory and said he was the sort of guy I'd have avoided if I'd known what he was really like and that he was getting a bad reputation (this is true, because a couple of friends told me other stuff about him).

Was this cruel or fair? Warranted or unwarranted? I'd ignored him for so long and it kind of felt like he'd got away with it with no comeback or criticism. I know he got the text because all the posts on the woman's FB disappeared/probably went private the next day! I can actually sleep fine now whereas before I sent the text, I was having nightmares about him.

Thoughts?

Taeholic

I feel for you OP, you're obviously still very upset about your break up but it's not healthy for you. How he treated you was horrible, he didn't give you a second thought. But he showed you his true colours and thats not someone you should want in your life.

Forget your stuff he still has, it's gone. He's moved on and so should you. You deserve to be happy. You being angry or upset doesn't effect his life and it doesn't change anything for him. It's been 8 months and I mean this in the kindest possible way, you need to move on.

Yes you have every right to block him but he has every right to date who he wants. Even if he was nasty about it and handled it so badly, he still doesn't owe you anything. If he was a good person he would have done the decent thing and had a full conversation with you. But he didn't and its his loss.

Stop snooping on both of their pages, find a way to distract yourself when you're tempted and most of all let yourself be happy without him. From what you've described you are lucky to be rid of such an uncaring ahole. Maybe try writing him letters to let your anger go but BURN the letters. Do not give this man and his ego another minute of your time. You deserve better

Tork

I hope that text you sent him is the last contact you have with him because it didn't do you any favours. Your behaviour has likely confirmed for him that he was right to dump you. It is true that he didn't behave in the nicest way but at least you found out before you'd moved locations or committed further to him. He isn't a nice guy and this woman is welcome to him.

You are coming across a bit like a crazy ex, openly stalking their Facebook pages and popping up unexpectedly months later to throw a hissy fit. And let's be honest here, that text you sent was designed to provoke a reaction and to pick at a wound you refuse to let heal. As for those bedclothes, are they really that important? Or are they a thinly disguised excuse to see him again? Going by his behaviour before this, he'd rather stick hot needles in his eyes than see you again. If he's that inconsiderate, he has probably enjoyed sexy time with this other woman between your sheets anyway...

LegacyUser

Taeholic wrote: »

I feel for you OP, you're obviously still very upset about your break up but it's not healthy for you. How he treated you was horrible, he didn't give you a second thought. But he showed you his true colours and thats not someone you should want in your life.

Forget your stuff he still has, it's gone. He's moved on and so should you. You deserve to be happy. You being angry or upset doesn't effect his life and it doesn't change anything for him. It's been 8 months and I mean this in the kindest possible way, you need to move on.

Yes you have every right to block him but he has every right to date who he wants. Even if he was nasty about it and handled it so badly, he still doesn't owe you anything. If he was a good person he would have done the decent thing and had a full conversation with you. But he didn't and its his loss.

Stop snooping on both of their pages, find a way to distract yourself when you're tempted and most of all let yourself be happy without him. From what you've described you are lucky to be rid of such an uncaring ahole. Maybe try writing him letters to let your anger go but BURN the letters. Do not give this man and his ego another minute of your time. You deserve better

Thanks for your response. I should have made it clearer that it was 2 months ago that I sent the text. I was actually so keen to block him that I was struggling to do so on my phone after I sent the text and was nervous he was going to respond or something, so ... I threw away the phone in the communal bins. I had to get a new phone and number but it was worth it. I have no way of contacting him now and me neither, but I feel like I've taken back some control.

It was such a bad break up that I have no interest in men now and theres no point in dating while I feel like this. I'm sure I would have got to this stage much quicker it it weren't for lockdown and I was able to meet up with friends as usual.

I was just so disgusted at him, because I thought, stupidly, that I was safe from being played by someone I'd know for so long - its not as if I met him through internet dating or something. Its almost as if he engineered it to be as bad a break up as possible (I got the phone call 5 days before my birthday).

Yurt2

Nothing wrong with the message you sent OP. He behaved in a pretty dirtbag fashion all in all, and displayed cowardice in not telling the truth about the nature of the relationship with another woman.

As for the other posters saying she didn't do herself any favours? I disagree, she called out the man's behaviour for what it was and let him know she knew the truth. Narcissists often want to have their crappy behaviour hidden and their good name held intact so they can go on repeating the trick. Well, too bad, because the OP figured out the truth, gave it to him both barrels, and it's not like she's going to take him back anyway. Good for you OP. You've taken some of the power back that he stole from you.

Best of luck - you deserve better. That kind of carry-on you experienced is on the sh*tty end of the spectrum and I hope you find a decent man that will treat you better. In fact, I guarantee you will.

qwerty13

Do you honestly want bedclothes back, after you know he was seeing someone else at the same time?

Ok, so you’ve vented, expressed your anger. And it seems like that needed to come out. However, if you wanted him to feel bad, it has totally backfired on you - it will make him feel better, and able to justify his bad behaviour, especially given that you said all of this months later. Write a letter/email saying how you feel. As many times as you need to. But do not send them.

He doesn’t care that you’ve blocked him. So you’re agonising over something that means nothing to him. Doubtful he’d even notice. I don’t say that to be mean, but he has moved on (in an underhanded way), but all of your actions show that you are still stuck in the past, and you’re trying to make yourself feel better by lashing out at him.

Try to focus on your positives and move on, with therapy if you think it might help. I do understand where you’re coming from, but your actions are going to be water off a ducks back to him - or worse, let him convince himself that he was right not to be with you. You need to find a way to close this chapter of your life down, and move on (with professional help if necessary).

Your question (and thoughts) should not be whether it was unfair to block him or not. Your thoughts should be how you move on from here. Your actions were neither cruel nor unfair, just self-defeating.

Why does it matter to you if the text was cruel/fair or warranted/unwarranted? That's what you should really be asking yourself...why do you care? You sent it, it's done, move on. Moving on doesn't negate the universal sh1ttiness of what he did - it frees you up to meet someone new and hopefully be happy. As for the sheets....consider those the price of having someone like him out of your life. In time you'll realise that's a price well worth paying.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP but if my ex sent me a random ranting text like that months after the breakup I’d probably laugh.

Why after all this time?
Why would you focus your efforts on them and not on yourself?

And why block him/ announce to do so if he doesn’t seem to have any interest in contacting you?

YellowLead

Two wrongs don’t make a right I’m afraid.

His behaviour was clearly ****ty and any of us would be very hurt and upset.

However the time to respond was when he did the breaking up. 6 months later just makes you appear unhinged, and the two of them probably had a good laugh about it.

I don’t understand the getting in touch to tell him you are blocking him after 6 months of no contact- he clearly won’t care. Looking for a. Few bedsheets makes you sound petty.

For your own sake now stop dwelling on this or you’ll never heal.

I don’t agree with ****ty behaviour by men or think it’s a valid excuse - but some would say they are often afraid to be open with women because they are afraid of crazy dramatic reactions. If I were him I’d be worried you might pop up in another 6 months time, this time outside his door!

You were treated like crap, there’s no question, accept that, tell yourself you deserve more and that the next time a guy treats you like **** you will hold your head high and move on instead of dwelling and trying to look for some kind of revenge. Good luck OP - we all mean well with our advice.

Thelonious Monk

It must be a hard pill to swallow but he met someone else and he mustn't have been that into by the time you split up. At least he was up front about it. These things happen in life unfortunately. There really would have been no point in you meeting up anyway.

Taeholic

I was just so disgusted at him, because I thought, stupidly, that I was safe from being played by someone I'd know for so long - its not as if I met him through internet dating or something. Its almost as if he engineered it to be as bad a break up as possible (I got the phone call 5 days before my birthday).

Its good that you have no way to contact him and vice versa. From what you've described he would probably enjoy the ego boost or attention. You've told him how you feel but it's still very raw for you, I honestly do suggest that you put pen to paper whenever you're feeling overwhelmed or angry. It has helped me massively with a bad break up.

Break ups are devastating at the best of times but no doubt lockdown makes it that much harder. You don't have the support of your friends or the distraction.

Dumping you a few days before your birthday only spells out what a horrible human being he is. He's not worth another minute of your time.

There's no rush to start dating again its still too raw for you. Focus on yourself and what you want in life including what kind of relationship you want. Learn from this, there were probably red flags you ignored but don't blame yourself either. Use it for when you're ready to start dating again

Thelonious Monk

Why does dumping her before her birthday make him a horrible human being? He had to do it sometime.

Tork

OP, do you have a history of anxiety or anything like that? I'm reading through what you've written and it's making me wonder. There are some really over-dramatic gestures here. Throwing away a perfectly good phone and getting a brand new number doesn't sound like taking control to me. Nor does ruminating about a text you sent two months ago to somebody who dumped you quite some time before. Even your theory about him breaking up with you five days before your birthday is a bit over-wrought. My take on it is that he was putting off ending the relationship for a while, then decided he'd better end it before he had to pretend to be a loving boyfriend. It is now eight months since all of this happened and you don't sound like you have progressed very far in the meantime. I think it might be time for you to talk to a professional and see if you can get past this.

bitofabind

Hi OP. I've been around the block on these boards and I spot a few common themes in the personal / relationship issues people tend to have.

The first is when a trauma happens, people avoid actually going through the trauma and end up dealing with much bigger problems down the line connected to their own behaviour E.G addiction, erratic / impulsive behaviour, destructive relationships etc.

The second, and very connected to the first, is that people don't take responsibility for their own emotional regulation. Trauma provokes deep and complicated feelings in people, and they don't go away until you look them in the face and deal with them constructively, and with compassion, but not looking them in the face is where life gets very destructive and even more painful for people. It's where patterns emerge, where you end up lashing out at people six months later and questioning every move you make, "was this right?"...."what's wrong with me?" rather than parenting yourself through something very difficult and building resilience over time.

Lashing out at an ex that has clearly moved on and throwing a phone in the bin because you used that phone to text him is not healthy or constructive behaviour. I think we can all agree on that. Having been in similar circumstances, I know it leaves you feeling a bit silly and embarrassed and adds to the shame of it all. The bigger question is, what are the ways that you have abandoned yourself to the point of this seeming like a reasonable thing to do so many months later? How could you have been kinder to yourself when you were going through the breakup? How can you be kinder to yourself now? And what is it that you actually need?

You can't control others' behaviour and you will meet many more assholes in the future, in all walks of life. Work, relationships, family, friends, whatever. You CAN control your own behaviour though and make choices as to what works and what doesn't work for you based on your own needs. For example, when you were going through the breakup, you needed kindness, someone to throw their arms around you and tell you it would be ok, a trusted friend to talk to, a therapist maybe, time alone to cry and process the betrayal of it all. A chance to process some very hard and painful feelings. A break from dating, a lot of self-care and a way to build yourself up again without letting this trauma leads to some negative beliefs about who you are and what you're worth. You didn't need to sit and stew and cyber stalk and become completely entrenched in his life and land yourself to the actions you took. That's just more trauma on top of trauma and it kicks the healing down the road.

My advice now: stop and start healing. What do you need? What are the feelings you haven't dealt with yet and what is it that you haven't gotten past? Don't start beating yourself up over texting and blocking out a toxic person. More blame and shame here is not what you need. Forget yesterday, think about today. He's gone now, toast, old news. What now? What's next for you?

LegacyUser

Yurt! wrote: »

Nothing wrong with the message you sent OP. He behaved in a pretty dirtbag fashion all in all, and displayed cowardice in not telling the truth about the nature of the relationship with another woman.

As for the other posters saying she didn't do herself any favours? I disagree, she called out the man's behaviour for what it was and let him know she knew the truth. Narcissists often want to have their crappy behaviour hidden and their good name held intact so they can go on repeating the trick. Well, too bad, because the OP figured out the truth, gave it to him both barrels, and it's not like she's going to take him back anyway. Good for you OP. You've taken some of the power back that he stole from you.

Best of luck - you deserve better. That kind of carry-on you experienced is on the sh*tty end of the spectrum and I hope you find a decent man that will treat you better. In fact, I guarantee you will.

Thanks. I also sent the text because I didnt want him creeping back one day. We went out a few years previously for a few months too and he dumped me then out of the blue as well, saying he wanted to do Internet dating.

Stupidly, I thought he had matured (he's 40 now). The whole thing was just really, really strange and I wouldn't wish dealing with someone treating you like that on anyone. I really have had enough of him. He's very charismatic and good looking and I don't want to be recycled and sucked in by him ever again.

I think some of the responses show how society tries to condition women into being meek and mild, and not calling out men for their bad behaviour, in case the man thinks badly of them. Why would I care what he thinks about me? He's not worth thinking about. In fact, why would anyone care about what someone who behaves like him thinks? He can't even hold down a job. His parents give him money. I want him to know I'm not taken in by him any more and never will be again.

Sometimes, when you've been sucked into what you think is the "ideal relationship", it takes time to process what has happened. This post is part of me processing the unusual ending of this relationship - I don't have many people to talk to during lockdown, wfh, etc..

I definately don't want those bedding items back now!! Bleurgh! They were expensive and they definately weren't his but I'd just have thrown them away if he had returned them.

Oh, and I didnt "stalk" his new partner - we are FB friends so I just looked at her page. There aren't even any photos of them together, but she sounds... disturbed. She used to sound happy. He keeps parts of his life secret and he's probably just using her. I hope she'll be OK but obviously I wouldn't contact her about him or anything.

It wasn't a "ranting text" either. It was short and to the point, making it clear that I found his behaviour unacceptable and no longer found him attractive because of it and never would do so again, and stating that I was blocking him because I didn't want him to think I thought well of him.

Taeholic

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Why does dumping her before her birthday make him a horrible human being? He had to do it sometime.

I should clarify a horrible human being to her. OP suggests he had been seeing this girl while they were together and her birthday is obviously a big deal to her.

I'm sure they had plans for the day and how they would celebrate. Instead he dumps her a few days before her birthday. He should have ended things before he started seeing someone else, I think it's cold to do that just before her birthday. That's just my opinion

Hannibal_Smith

OP, he told you a year ago that he was seeing someone else. He treated you horribly, there's no doubting that. To get a call like that out of the blue must have been like a kick in the gut.

Two months ago, which is almost 10 months after the break up you sent him the text and blocked him.

Two months later, you are wondering whether you were right to send the text and block him. This is almost a year after the break up.

I get that it was a horrible break up and that it was going to take time to come to terms with, but you're nearly a year on. I don't think anyone is trying to condition you into saying nothing - its the timing of it all.

If you needed to get it off your chest and it helped you move on - great. But don't second guess yourself now. Use your time now to let it go and look forward, not back.

YellowLead

OP - he dumped you out of the blue once and yet you took him back. This is a sign that you ignored red flags here which in turn is a sign of low self esteem - I hope you can work on this because if you don’t I am afraid guys like him will keep taking advantage.

Posters who have said the texting him wasn’t a healthy idea are saying so because you did so out of the blue 6 months later, we are not saying you should be meek and not call a man out. Accepting him back after he dumps you out of the blue is being meek in my opinion.

Regarding the bedding - you did say in your initial post that he wouldn’t give it back, so we can only go on what you post, but thanks for clarifying that you don’t actually want it back.

Stating you are blocking him as a way of letting him know you don’t think well of him is a bit extreme - you could show that by not getting in touch. And not responding if he ever comes calling in the future. Telling him you are blocking him when he hasn’t even tried to contact you will make him think you are obsessed with him.

You deserve a guy who treats you well, and you deserve happiness. You went through trauma as another poster mentioned - be kind to yourself but also acknowledge and own up to your own erratic behaviour. That’s how you heal and prevent this recurring.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

OP, do you have a history of anxiety or anything like that? I'm reading through what you've written and it's making me wonder. There are some really over-dramatic gestures here. Throwing away a perfectly good phone and getting a brand new number doesn't sound like taking control to me. Nor does ruminating about a text you sent two months ago to somebody who dumped you quite some time before. Even your theory about him breaking up with you five days before your birthday is a bit over-wrought. My take on it is that he was putting off ending the relationship for a while, then decided he'd better end it before he had to pretend to be a loving boyfriend. It is now eight months since all of this happened and you don't sound like you have progressed very far in the meantime. I think it might be time for you to talk to a professional and see if you can get past this.

The only drama in my life has been related to him. We were on a few years ago, then off and he was adamant no contact, then a couple of years later he got back in touch and we he was sorry about what he did before, it was a mistake, he felt really strongly about me and wanted us to be together forever, etc. Then bam! The sudden dumping again.

Even before we got together, and I knew him socially, I could never quite figure him out. Sometimes he seemed keen, other times totally disinterested but never any obvious reason for it. I actually know now that he had a girlfriend then, but he didn't tell any of us that he did - we all thought he was single and "shy".

So I suppose you could say he's been messing with my head for a while. Perhaps I didn't have enough drama in my life and was drawn to him because of that! I'm done with this kind of drama now...

I really think its a very unusual ability to be able to switch your emotions on and off the minute a relationship ends, and its not one I think I'd actually like to possess. But the fact that I still want to talk about what happened doesn't mean I'm not over him or want him back (I really wouldn't touch with a bargepole now) but it simply means that I'm a human being with a relatively normal cerebral response to a relationship ending. Thanks for your reply though.

Yurt2

YellowLead wrote: »

Stating you are blocking him as a way of letting him know you don’t think well of him is a bit extreme - you could show that by not getting in touch. And not responding if he ever comes calling in the future. Telling him you are blocking him when he hasn’t even tried to contact you will make him think you are obsessed with him.

Again, I don't think it's all that extreme. She was being cheated on for quite a period of time when she thought she was in a stable relationship. He didn't have the guts to admit it and left it on a lie and the fog of half-truth that conveniently left his name somewhat intact. To me that's a form of gaslighting.

I know we're not all made of the same stuff, but we have a responsibility to people we get in a relationship with to leave them as we found them as best we can, even if the relationship is not to be. How hard is it for some people to hold their hands up and admit that they were cheating and mistreating another person? Very hard apparently. It's a huge character failing and to cut and run over the phone breadcrumbing the truth is not respecting the other person and leaves them questioning reality.

I know if I was to be cheated on by a partner, I'd want to know the truth so I could file that person under 'a*shole' in my brain, and it would help me move on. The guy denied her that right.

The OP got what she needed. She said she couldn't sleep right before that message, now she can. That's a result right there. And good for her I say.

Thelonious Monk

Yurt! wrote: »

How hard is it for some people to hold their hands up and admit that they were cheating and mistreating another person? Very hard apparently. It's a huge character failing and to cut and run over the phone breadcrumbing the truth is not respecting the other person and leaves them questioning reality.

We never know the ins and outs of these stories but he might have his own reasons for cutting her off the way he did, maybe she was dramatic all the time or intense or god knows what. It usually takes two to tango in all relationships, good or bad. I think people often post here just to validate their thoughts and feelings, but remember you only know a heavily biased one side of a story.
The best thing she can do now is cut her losses and not analyse his behaviour, it wont get her anywhere.

Jequ0n

Yurt! wrote: »

Again, I don't think it's all that extreme. She was being cheated on for quite a period of time when she thought she was in a stable relationship. He didn't have the guts to admit it and left it on a lie and the fog of half-truth that conveniently left his name somewhat intact. To me that's a form of gaslighting.

I know we're not all made of the same stuff, but we have a responsibility to people we get in a relationship with to leave them as we found them as best we can, even if the relationship is not to be. How hard is it for some people to hold their hands up and admit that they were cheating and mistreating another person? Very hard apparently. It's a huge character failing and to cut and run over the phone breadcrumbing the truth is not respecting the other person and leaves them questioning reality.

I know if I was to be cheated on by a partner, I'd want to know the truth so I could file that person under 'a*shole' in my brain, and it would help me move on. The guy denied her that right.

The OP got what she needed. She said she couldn't sleep right before that message, now she can. That's a result right there. And good for her I say.

And what exactly was achieved here? She was ignored after an emotional outburst. I am glad to hear that this seems to gave resolved some of the pent up anger but that’s the only good thing that came with it. It is far outweighed by all the negatives (which other posters already outlined more eloquently than I could)

“I will block you in case you will try to contact me in the future, even though you have been avoiding engaging me with me so far” makes no sense unless it was done to force a reaction. Same thing applies to the thinly veiled threat that you are talking about him to shared acquaintances.

What was said/ sent is done but I hope the OP leaves it there and moves on now

Thelonious Monk

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

It must be a hard pill to swallow but he met someone else and he mustn't have been that into by the time you split up. At least he was up front about it. These things happen in life unfortunately. There really would have been no point in you meeting up anyway.

I have to agree with this.

Though you may not think so, at least he did break up with you. Many others would have just cheated and kept you dangling but he didn't.

What he did wasn't very nice, but it was better then dragging it on.

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

We never know the ins and outs of these stories but he might have his own reasons for cutting her off the way he did, maybe she was dramatic all the time or intense or god knows what. It usually takes two to tango in all relationships, good or bad. I think people often post here just to validate their thoughts and feelings, but remember you only know a heavily biased one side of a story.
The best thing she can do now is cut her losses and not analyse his behaviour, it wont get her anywhere.

It my feeling that he doesn't want a serious relationship, but knew I would only sleep with him if we were in one. He knows that I wouldn't accept being messed around or cheated on so dumped me because he knew I would find out about this woman because we know each other and have mutual friends. Its my suspicion (confirmed by another friend) that he was messing around with at least one other woman while we were together (the other friend saw them together walking hand in hand and she thinks kissing but she didn't tell me as she didn't realise we were going out together!)

I don't think he's that prolific - I think he's more of an opportunist and likes casual things when the chance presents. I think it suited him very well to be in a long distance relationship with me.

As for being "intense", well if not wanting to be cheated on and having to get an STD test in the middle of lockdown is being "intense", then so be it.

I find analysing his behaviour really helpful, as it makes me aware of all the red flags I should'nt have ignored and will be aware of in future. It also helps me find him unattractive and unappealing, so that I'll never be tempted to go back to him. I cried quite a lot when he first dumped me; I couldn't cry about him now even if I tried.

He is quite an unusual sort of man and one I think I will easily be able to avoid in future.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

And what exactly was achieved here? She was ignored after an emotional outburst. I am glad to hear that this seems to gave resolved some of the pent up anger but that’s the only good thing that came with it. It is far outweighed by all the negatives (which other posters already outlined more eloquently than I could)

“I will block you in case you will try to contact me in the future, even though you have been avoiding engaging me with me so far” makes no sense unless it was done to force a reaction. Same thing applies to the thinly veiled threat that you are talking about him to shared acquaintances.

What was said/ sent is done but I hope the OP leaves it there and moves on now

I am leaving it here and have moved on. I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on. Pretending something hasn't happened isn't exactly moving on in the way you imagine it to be. Being able to talk about something and being able to wonder what you ever saw in someone isn't a sign of moving on, you say? The text was to take back control, because he had been able to dictate everything, despite being the one who cheated. Taking back control helped me to move on.

And I'm really sorry to say this, but the use of the word "outburst" by any man is one of those red flags I mentioned in my earlier post, as is manipulating words that you think I'm supposed to have said. Best to stick to facts.

Yurt2

Jequ0n wrote: »

And what exactly was achieved here? She was ignored after an emotional outburst. I am glad to hear that this seems to gave resolved some of the pent up anger but that’s the only good thing that came with it. It is far outweighed by all the negatives (which other posters already outlined more eloquently than I could)

Of course it's emotional. Humans are emotional creatures, and being cheated on by someone you trust is one of the most difficult things to go through.

The OP was left in the rubble of half-truths sifting through another man's cowardice trying to find reality in the mess. That's her truth and sometimes being angry at that is the correct and natural reaction.

He tried to run away from the difficult reality that he was betraying someone over a significant period of time.

She fired a shot at him letting him know she knows he's a sh*t-head and that he was disguising indefinitely. No harm whatsoever.

Nobody reading this would like being put through that, and it's easier said than done turning the other cheek when there's lying going on because cheaters want to protect their sense of self over and above the dignity of the betrayed partner. She's already sleeping better so I think it's made her moving on easier. Result.

OP, if I were to leave you on one thing it would be this: being angry and hurt at being betrayed and lied to is a natural feeling. And the man that ran away now knows you know the truth and his attempts to run away from what he did are in the open. The next chapter of your life awaits you. Make the most of it.

Yurt!

Yurt! wrote: »

Again, I don't think it's all that extreme. She was being cheated on for quite a period of time when she thought she was in a stable relationship. .

The OP never said how long she thinks he was seeing this other person for before he told her. It could have been a month, it could have been a week. She pieced a bit of it together from FB.

No one is saying what he did wasn't a bit cruel. But people break up. It happens. We don't know how long he was thinking about ending things wth the OP before he did it, but he could have done worse, he could have continued to dangle the OP on while hedging his bets. Many others would have. He also could have lied and not mentioned seeing someone else.

He didn't do either. He broke up with her, told her why, and moved on. She should too.

As for breaking up 5 days before a birthday? C'mon, they're late 30s/40. Not teenagers.

Xterminator

I also sent the text because I didnt want him creeping back one day.

Surely you making (angry and emotional) contact with him after months of radio silence is not the way to achieve this goal.
If that was your aim, the solution was to block him without speaking to him.

i don't think you have done a lot wrong in the scheme of things. He has wronged you - grievously. But you responses do not indicate a healthy state of mind for the OP.

The last poster said

No harm whatsoever.

but i believe there is harm in allowing yourself to engage in destructive patterns of behaviour. I would have very little worry about the state of mind of the ex partner - he has clearly moved on. But the OP should endeavour to move on too, and often i have seen advice like "write them a letter with your thoughts, but burn it dont send it" as cathartic.

Sending them a text after months of no contact then toss that phone in the bin because it is soiled would not fall under that category for me. Its over the top, because numbers can be blocked, and phone number can be changed! Old texts can be deleted.

It is an indication OP has unresolved anger issues, and these anger issues will be like a millstone, preventing her moving on, and forming healthy future relationships.

Hannibal_Smith

I find analysing his behaviour really helpful, as it makes me aware of all the red flags I should'nt have ignored and will be aware of in future.

Thats great if talking about helps you get something constructive out of it.

I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on.

You're asking whether blocking him or sending the text was unfair or unwarranted and asked for advice on it.

Being honest it really doesn't read like you have moved on. It reads like you're trying to convince yourself that you have. There's nothing wrong with that, given what he did. But at some stage you have to let it go. By all means take what you've learned with you. The text was sent and you blocked him. It was something you had to do and it wasn't unfair or unwarranted but its done, don't waste any more time second guessing it.

YellowLead

Transient Spinner wrote: »

I am leaving it here and have moved on. I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on. Pretending something hasn't happened isn't exactly moving on in the way you imagine it to be. Being able to talk about something and being able to wonder what you ever saw in someone isn't a sign of moving on, you say? The text was to take back control, because he had been able to dictate everything, despite being the one who cheated. Taking back control helped me to move on.
.

Hi OP,

We are all just posting our thoughts as you did ask for advice as to whether you did the right thing or not. If you are convinced you did and just want everybody to say - yes you are right to have sent that text....then it seems you are looking for validation and sympathy and not advice!

Or is there some question for us you are not directly asking?

Jequ0n

Transient Spinner wrote: »

I am leaving it here and have moved on. I'm not sure why you equate talking about something that happened in the past with not moving on. Pretending something hasn't happened isn't exactly moving on in the way you imagine it to be. Being able to talk about something and being able to wonder what you ever saw in someone isn't a sign of moving on, you say? The text was to take back control, because he had been able to dictate everything, despite being the one who cheated. Taking back control helped me to move on.

And I'm really sorry to say this, but the use of the word "outburst" by any man is one of those red flags I mentioned in my earlier post, as is manipulating words that you think I'm supposed to have said. Best to stick to facts.

Ok so you say this helped you to regain control. I’m glad to hear this but am wondering why you felt the need to open a thread now, 2 months after the event.

I get wanting to let go of the anger but why does he still occupy your mind months after you blocked him?

I am not having a go at you, I just don’t really understand how thisy has had any positive change for you.

Regarding analysis: be careful not to interpret things in a way that fits your narrative which can happen if you aren’t objective (same for every person, not just you). And don’t use it to give yourself reason to keep checking up on him, or else you’ll never get out of this

Yurt2

YellowLead wrote: »

Hi OP,

We are all just posting our thoughts as you did ask for advice as to whether you did the right thing or not. If you are convinced you did and just want everybody to say - yes you are right to have sent that text....then it seems you are looking for validation and sympathy and not advice!

Or is there some question for us you are not directly asking?

Validation and sympathy is a rather unkind way to frame it. The forum as I understand it goes beyond mere advice.

She's processing a difficult breakup in which she was wronged, and in that I think she deserved to be listened to.

Some people move on quickly from these blows, some not so quickly.

Sometimes the the advice from posters to vulnerable OPs don't go much further than 'suck it up, he/she's just not into you', which is a shame and a disservice, because often we're reading the thoughts of very hurt people.

YellowLead

Yurt! wrote: »

Validation and sympathy is a rather unkind way to frame it. The forum as I understand it goes beyond mere advice.

She's processing a difficult breakup in which she was wronged, and in that I think she deserved to be listened to.

Some people move on quickly from these blows, some not so quickly.

Sometimes the the advice from posters to vulnerable OPs don't go much further than 'suck it up, he/she's just not into you', which is a shame and a disservice, because often we're reading the thoughts of very hurt people.

I would agree if the original post had been framed a bit more like I had a horrible break up, how do I get over it etc etc. Nobody said to just suck it up - we addressed her OP question specifically.
OP if you had asked if we thought the guy acted unfairly then responses would have been different.

We are only trying to help by offering opinions on what was asked - looking at the situation objectively.

LegacyUser

Yurt! wrote: »

Validation and sympathy is a rather unkind way to frame it. The forum as I understand it goes beyond mere advice.

She's processing a difficult breakup in which she was wronged, and in that I think she deserved to be listened to.

Some people move on quickly from these blows, some not so quickly.

Sometimes the the advice from posters to vulnerable OPs don't go much further than 'suck it up, he/she's just not into you', which is a shame and a disservice, because often we're reading the thoughts of very hurt people.

Yes, thank you, I'm processing it on here because of lockdown meaning that I don't have the unusual avenues of talking to friends, and because in total I've known him for 15 years. I'm not an automaton.

I'm also finding the comments criticising me and trying to undermine my confidence quite interesting too, because I'm so much stronger.

To the poster who said I wasn't sure how long he had cheated on me for, I think it was at least 3 or 4 months. Possibly longer if on and off. And there was another instance of cheating with another woman too, confirmed by a friend (who is also so disgusted with his behaviour, she has blocked him too). But it's probably right to think he had planned to break up with me before he actually did so. Maybe TMI, but the last time I saw him, he tried to do the deed with me 3 times in the space of 10 hours. I say tried, because the third time he couldn't manage. Looking back, that was his "farewell" to me. Thats literally the only thing that was slightly unusual in his behaviour.

If he had phoned me up and said "look, I'm really sorry but long distance isn't working for me" but he actually told me outright that he was dumping me because he had someone else now. And he could have returned my stuff somehow, instead of just stealing it.

I wouldn't give him too much credit for ending it, he probably only did so because he realised that me and the other woman know each other and he would have been caught out anyway. She's not the quiet type, so it's possible she threatened to tell me... I don't know. She lives in the same city as him and she's not... Well someone I would be jealous of. They're welcome to each other.

Neyite

Sounds like you are in the fake-it-till-you-make-it phase. You are telling us and yourself that you are over him, that you see him for the kind of man he really is and that that kind of man is someone you would never get involved with, but your actions say otherwise. The text shows that you aren't over him at all. So maybe it's a good thing she's blocked you now, looking at the details of their relationship is not healthy for you and you were starting to drift firmly into stalker ex territory and you might actually start moving on for real.

I honestly don't see that he's done a lot wrong here apart from possibly overlapping you both -and even then, they might have just been friends for all you know until he was single. Overlapping isn't nice but it's very common. However he followed all the steps that we tell people to do when breaking up with someone they know cares deeply - he told you in person, he didn't get into specifics of why he wanted to break up, and he strongly avoided and discouraged anything that might get your hopes up - like meeting up to give back your things. He did it before you upped sticks and moved for him. Those things are actually the kinder things to do for the broken-hearted person though it doesn't feel like that at the time.

He just wasn't that into you. And when that happens it does hurt like hell. I've been there. It took me a while to sort out that as much as I saw a future, there IS no future for a relationship unless both are seeing the same thing.

LegacyUser

It's almost a year since he dumped you, you need to be getting on with your life not living in the past.

Seriously you only have one life to live & you have wasted a year of it. It takes time to get over a bad breakup but is he really worth it.

Try work on your self asteem, self confidence. Get some counselling if that helps. Read some getting over heartbreak books.

But move on with your life, forget about him & your belongings. It's too late to u send the text so stop wandering what if, were you right.

Everytime you find yourself thinking about him, say to yourself STOP. Everytime you get in touch with him your starting up your healing again. Delete or hide his new girlfriend on fb. Why are you torturing yourself.

Find a new hobby, start getting fit, declutter, do something to keep yourself busy. Get a new hobby, new friends. Put yourself 1st. Mind yourself.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Sounds like you are in the fake-it-till-you-make-it phase. You are telling us and yourself that you are over him, that you see him for the kind of man he really is and that that kind of man is someone you would never get involved with, but your actions say otherwise. The text shows that you aren't over him at all. So maybe it's a good thing she's blocked you now, looking at the details of their relationship is not healthy for you and you were starting to drift firmly into stalker ex territory and you might actually start moving on for real.

I honestly don't see that he's done a lot wrong here apart from possibly overlapping you both -and even then, they might have just been friends for all you know until he was single. Overlapping isn't nice but it's very common. However he followed all the steps that we tell people to do when breaking up with someone they know cares deeply - he told you in person, he didn't get into specifics of why he wanted to break up, and he strongly avoided and discouraged anything that might get your hopes up - like meeting up to give back your things. He did it before you upped sticks and moved for him. Those things are actually the kinder things to do for the broken-hearted person though it doesn't feel like that at the time.

He just wasn't that into you. And when that happens it does hurt like hell. I've been there. It took me a while to sort out that as much as I saw a future, there IS no future for a relationship unless both are seeing the same thing.

Thanks for your reply. When I looked on her FB page there was a post with a photo of his front door and the caption "been invited over to dinner tonight by..." dated 2 months prior to him ending it with me. I don't normally look at her FB page which is why I dudnt notice it before.

Oh I think he was very much into me (why the need to diminish people like that? I know we've split up for good) but I honestly think he's more into himself than anyone and he needs constant excitement of the new or slightly risky.

I just don't want him any more, he's not coming creeping back this time. He's just awful.

Yurt2

Neyite wrote: »

Sounds like you are in the fake-it-till-you-make-it phase.

Overlap is a soft-peddle word for being cheated on. I think the OP deserves some credit for her instincts that she was cheated on and the circumstances as presented to us would strongly suggest she was indeed cheated on.

My read, it's only my read mind you, was that the breakup process was him covering his tracks - because no one likes being called a cheater even if that's exactly what they are.

I don't want to be seen as indulging the OP too much, but she was gaslit in the end, and when coming to an internet forum for succour in a tough spot, perhaps anonymous folks should do better than endorse or soft-peddle actions from him that most people would agree are harmful would they have happened to you or someone you care about.

I'll bow out of the thread now, as I know I've put myself at-odds with some other posters opinions. But I'd come down hard on the side of the OP on her take.

Best of luck to her and I hope she finds happiness.

And final edit: This was a 2 year relationship, not 3 tinder dates, just not that into you again is a poor way of framing what went on and minimises what the OP went through.

Thelonious Monk

Transient Spinner wrote: »

I honestly think he's more into himself than anyone and he needs constant excitement of the new or slightly risky.

I just don't want him any more, he's not coming creeping back this time. He's just awful.

There's no point characterising him in ways that suit the narrative you're constructing for this situation.
All of this is typical of thought processes that can happen after a relationship, but it has been a long time now and you really need to let it go.
That's why he left me, he's totally into himself, he gets off on new experiences and excitement, the prick.
The fact is he could very well be a great partner to this new girl, and he's not into himself, and you just didn't matter that much after all.
I feel bad for you because it's a tortuous noisy mind you're putting up with right now, but it sounds a bit obsessive to me after this length of time.
Do the things you need to do to move on, there's a lot of stuff on the internet to read about these things.

LegacyUser

He's just not that into you wrote: »

It's almost a year since he dumped you, you need to be getting on with your life not living in the past.

Seriously you only have one life to live & you have wasted a year of it. It takes time to get over a bad breakup but is he really worth it.

Try work on your self asteem, self confidence. Get some counselling if that helps. Read some getting over heartbreak books.

But move on with your life, forget about him & your belongings. It's too late to u send the text so stop wandering what if, were you right.

Everytime you find yourself thinking about him, say to yourself STOP. Everytime you get in touch with him your starting up your healing again. Delete or hide his new girlfriend on fb. Why are you torturing yourself.

Find a new hobby, start getting fit, declutter, do something to keep yourself busy. Get a new hobby, new friends. Put yourself 1st. Mind yourself.

It's 8 months since he dumped me. The text is long sent.

I'm not "late thirties" either, as a previous poster said. I'm 33. He is 40. His new partner or FWB or whatever is 32.

I don't need a new hobby! I already do horseriding and running. Not sure how I'd fit another one in! In normal times, I have plenty of friends to socialise with. At the moment, it's mostly banned.

And I'm really not torturing myself keeping her as a friend on FB. He's the one who cheated, but she was the groom at the stables where I used to keep my horse and I've no reason to defriend her as apart from that photo of his front door months ago, she's put absolutely nothing about him on her FB. And I know he lies and pretends he's single when it suits him. I dont know how to say this, but she's really not the sort who would make me jealous, but she's a person too and she isn't being bitchy to me or showing off.

LegacyUser

And final edit: This was a 2 year relationship, not 3 tinder dates, just not that into you again is a poor way of framing what went on and minimises what the OP went through.

The op didn't break up last week, it was last year, he is her EX and it doesn't matter what's he's up to, the OP needs to let go & get on with her life.

How will she meet someone else if she's wasting her time thinking about the past. She could have met someone else by now or just be happily single. Thinking about herself instead of him & his new gf.

Hannibal_Smith

It's 8 months since he dumped me. The text is long sent

So why are you questioning it now?

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

There's no point characterising him in ways that suit the narrative you're constructing for this situation.
All of this is typical of thought processes that can happen after a relationship, but it has been a long time now and you really need to let it go.
That's why he left me, he's totally into himself, he gets off on new experiences and excitement, the prick.
The fact is he could very well be a great partner to this new girl, and he's not into himself, and you just didn't matter that much after all.
I feel bad for you because it's a tortuous noisy mind you're putting up with right now, but it sounds a bit obsessive to me after this length of time.
Do the things you need to do to move on, there's a lot of stuff on the internet to read about these things.

While I think a lot of that is entirely true in terms of characterising, I also think posters like yourself could take something useful from Yurt’s post above, breakups and the circumstances within them are absolutely not the same for everyone and I think it’s only keeping within the spirit of the PI forum to take the OP at her word as to how things went down.

Maybe he was a horrible cheating douche, maybe he wasn’t but I think it’s only fair to take what’s been given and provide the most applicable advice to that, not question the OP’s narrative as you put it.

Just to clarify, I’m not having a go at you or anyone that offers that sort of advice, it’s just something to keep in mind.

Transient Spinner

Transient Spinner wrote: »

If he had phoned me up and said "look, I'm really sorry but long distance isn't working for me" but he actually told me outright that he was dumping me because he had someone else now.

Would you have preferred if he lied to you about his reasons for ending things?

If he'd have blamed long distance for ending it you would have said "but I'm looking for a job nearby.." and then what would he have said? He probably knew he had to be blunt with you, even if it was not very kind.

You set up the thread supposedly to ask for thoughts on your sending him a text telling him you were blocking him, several months later...

And I think the majority are just pointing out that after that amount of time, it would have come a bit out of the blue, and he probably raised an eyebrow about why it was coming so many months later, deleted it, then blocked you, and moved on.

I'm sorry if thats hurtful, but its what I would have done, and if the situation was reversed and he posted about an ex texting him after a long time, what many here would advised him to do.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Would you have preferred if he lied to you about his reasons for ending things?

If he'd have blamed long distance for ending it you would have said "but I'm looking for a job nearby.." and then what would he have said? He probably knew he had to be blunt with you, even if it was not very kind.

You set up the thread supposedly to ask for thoughts on your sending him a text telling him you were blocking him, several months later...

And I think the majority are just pointing out that after that amount of time, it would have come a bit out of the blue, and he probably raised an eyebrow about why it was coming so many months later, deleted it, then blocked you, and moved on.

I'm sorry if thats hurtful, but its what I would have done, and if the situation was reversed and he posted about an ex texting him after a long time, what many here would advised him to do.

I'd certainly have preferred it if he hadn't kept having sex with me whilst "overlapping" is it? Cheating, I call it. So, yes, no brownie points for him excitedly boasting to me that he was seeing someone else now. Because the result of it was that I had to book an STD test. It would have saved an awful lot of upset if he's been less brutal and actually ended it with me and been single before he invited that woman to his house for dinner. But to be honest, he kept texting me quite a bit after that, saying things like "I'm sorry it ended this way", "I guess I'm just bad at relationships", "You're better off without me" but at the same time and it just sounded so cliched.

It took me that long to get to the stage of being able to stand up to him, to see him for what he was, because I'd always seen him as a bit of a hero (feel stupid saying that now), he was older than me and the most talented runner in our club.

I doubt he raised any eyebrows, we were really close for many years and he must have felt really guilty about what he did and the way he treated me, and had hoped I wouldn't find out. To be honest though, I couldn't give a flying F about what he thinks.

I'm actually embarrassed I was ever involved with him now, I'm worried that he has a certain reputation that I didn't know about before and people will think I'm easy because I was involved with him. And I'm ashamed for feeling that way. But no, I'm not hurt. I'm still shocked, and I'm disappointed in myself that I ignored all the red flags about what he was like before (and there were many) and moved my boundaries to put up with his strange behaviour.

I also wondered if anyone else had experienced such strange behaviour from someone they had known really well?

He's also basically stolen my stuff to shag other women on too, which is so bad it almost has a bit of black humour about it!

Thelonious Monk

Transient Spinner wrote: »

I also wondered if anyone else had experienced such strange behaviour from someone they had known really well?

Everything he did or didn't do probably seems strange and wrong to you now. That's normal. I think most people after splitting with someone will go through a "who the f*ck even was that?" stage. But whatever it is you wanted to happen doesn't align with what he wanted, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I hope one day you'll see that you may have been overreacting to everything.
It just goes to show that you never really know someone as well as you think you do.

YellowLead

Transient Spinner wrote: »

He's also basically stolen my stuff to shag other women on too, which is so bad it almost has a bit of black humour about it!

OP I was having sympathy for you after reading your last post until yet again you said something that makes you sound a bit mental. He didn’t ‘steal’ your bedding. You gave him the bedding, or loaned it whatever. Left it behind and he didn’t want to meet you - chances are he has binned it. Are you that hard up that some bedding has you bothered!

Having said all that I just want to clarify that I think cheating is awful, what he did sleeping with both of you for a period of months was awful, and he sucks for doing that. Agreed. No debate there.

And fair play for acknowledging red flags which were ignored - pat on the back and we all learn this way.

To answer your latest question which is basically - has anybody been hurt by somebody they love? I say who hasn’t! If you date you are going to get hurt at some stage - end of. You have to grieve and let go and be resilient. Easier said than done but engaging game in behaviour like looking at Facebook profiles of new girlfriends 8 months down the line and sending I’m blocking you messages to an ex who hasn’t tried to reach out - you have to see that that is not healthy.

Transient Spinner

Transient Spinner wrote: »

I'd certainly have preferred it if he hadn't kept having sex with me whilst "overlapping" is it? Cheating, I call it. So, yes, no brownie points for him excitedly boasting to me that he was seeing someone else now. Because the result of it was that I had to book an STD test. It would have saved an awful lot of upset if he's been less brutal and actually ended it with me and been single before he invited that woman to his house for dinner. But to be honest, he kept texting me quite a bit after that, saying things like "I'm sorry it ended this way", "I guess I'm just bad at relationships", "You're better off without me" but at the same time and it just sounded so cliched.

It took me that long to get to the stage of being able to stand up to him, to see him for what he was, because I'd always seen him as a bit of a hero (feel stupid saying that now), he was older than me and the most talented runner in our club.

I doubt he raised any eyebrows, we were really close for many years and he must have felt really guilty about what he did and the way he treated me, and had hoped I wouldn't find out. To be honest though, I couldn't give a flying F about what he thinks.

I'm actually embarrassed I was ever involved with him now, I'm worried that he has a certain reputation that I didn't know about before and people will think I'm easy because I was involved with him. And I'm ashamed for feeling that way. But no, I'm not hurt. I'm still shocked, and I'm disappointed in myself that I ignored all the red flags about what he was like before (and there were many) and moved my boundaries to put up with his strange behaviour.

I also wondered if anyone else had experienced such strange behaviour from someone they had known really well?

He's also basically stolen my stuff to shag other women on too, which is so bad it almost has a bit of black humour about it!

And now the drip feed...

You're also dropping quite a bit of personal information now that could make everyone involved identifiable. Ireland is a small place.

Good luck op. I wish you every happiness in the future.

bitofabind

OK. So there's been pages of you airing all kinds of grievances about this guy since I last read this thread OP. And that's fine, but you've confirmed that you don't ever want this guy in your life again, you're over him and that's that. He was toxic and a liar and whatever else. So I'll go back to my earlier question. What now? What's next for you? Where do you go from here?

Being hurt and betrayed can provoke a lot of anger, but we're talking about a relationship that ended almost a year ago and that you're still ruminating on and developing an unhealthy fixation with. What he did, what he said, he was X, he was Y. The past won't change, regardless of if this was someone you knew "for years" before he hurt you or not. It doesn't add or detract from the pain.

Ruminating at this stage is what I would classify as self-neglect and self-destruct mode. Hurting yourself over and over again. Self care here is figuring out how you can build some resilience and move on. What do you need to do that? A therapist to work through the relationship with? A break from dating? A personal goal to work towards? A change of scenery?

If you're not willing to address what your actual needs are and just want to go around in circles over how you've been wronged and dwell on how awful this person was without any regard for your own wellbeing and way forward, well I'm afraid that's above this forum's pay grade.

Thelonious Monk

bitofabind wrote: »

:(well that I'm afraid that's above this forum's pay grade.

I should have known they paid you for your RI work.
OP you're doing your thinking out loud here and that's fine, all of us would think ridiculous stuff in your situation, but it looks pretty nuts to us, and will probably look nuts to yourself one day.
I think you'll agree that you've probably spent enough time on this by now though.

osarusan

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Being honest it really doesn't read like you have moved on.

My thoughts also.



Sending texts a long time after contact had stopped to block him, and then starting a thread a long time after that, says you haven't moved on but continue to analyse/agonise over this.


The guy - he's gone, forget about him. The text you sent - it's done, forget about it.


Focus on yourself and what you need to actually get over it and move on. Be honest with yourself about what that is.

What you are doing now is hurting, not helping you.