wife beaters, what makes them tick?

There's no singular reason. The majority are major control freaks who manipulate through violence. They want others to do what they say, and get frustrated when they don't, believing that beating them back into line is OK.
There are other forms of coercive control, abusive partners that are never violent, I don't think "wife beaters" should be top of the scum pile just because their nature is more overt. Other types of abuse can be considerably more damaging.

A smaller proportion are individuals with major anger issues or other mental illness, who cannot control their emotions and lash out in anger.

Ive been doing some research into this and it can stem from unresolved childhood issues such as abuse or witnessing abuse. They take away those experiences and then apply them to their own lives. It sounds mad that you'd rehash the past in your own life but its all too common

pgj2015 wrote: »

why cant they? That sounds like an excuse for them.

If you've ever been overcome with grief or anger, you understand what it feels like to have an emotion take control of you despite your best effort to keep it under wraps.

For most of us the threshold for this is incredibly high, and even when it does happen we can usually bring ourselves back in line by walking away or taking deep breaths or whatever.

But imagine that you were mentally not strong enough to wrestle that back under control. Think about how emotionally fragile you are in the depths of a sickness, or after fifty pints the previous night. And imagine you felt like that all the time.

Managing emotion is a skill that most people learn naturally as we grow up, but some people may have a mental illness (like depression, bipolar disorder, etc) that makes emotional regulation difficult. Others may have suffered a physical brain injury or PTSD which affects their learned ability to regulate their emotions.

I have no doubt there is a cohort who feel like throwing a few punches is OK when you're angry. But for many who just lash out, it's a fundamental failure of emotional regulation. That doesn't excuse it, but it doesn't necessarily make them "bad people" unless they refuse to acknowledge the problem and try to fix it.

Think about that guy that everyone knew as a teenager who would end up in fights at the end of night after a few pints. Poor ability to regulate their emotions, but they could just about hold it together sober. You probably don't remember them as controlling or manipulative, yet they'd somehow always find someone to pick a fight with at the end of the night. Sometimes these guys grow up and the only person to pick a fight with is their spouse.

seamus wrote: »

That doesn't excuse it, but it doesn't necessarily make them "bad people" unless they refuse to acknowledge the problem and try to fix it.

Agree, if we treat them as bad people/monsters we are already saying that they have no solution. And I believe that it is possible to change the behaviour if you are open to change and look for help.

There's an element of women being drawn to violent men with some marrying them. Before everyone piles on top of me and accuses me of being a neckbeard misogynist, I'm not victim blaming here just stating how things are.

Nerds who wouldn't hurt a fly - little or no success with women. No wife = no wife beating.
Gangsters, thugs, drug dealers, sociopaths, bullies, assholes - plenty of success with women.

So what makes wife beaters tick, in many cases it's just them being their usual asshole if not thug selves. Same individuals likely to engage in animal cruelty IME.

BrianD3 wrote: »

There's an element of women being drawn to violent men with some marrying them. Before everyone piles on top of me and accuses me of being a neckbeard misogynist, I'm not victim blaming here just stating how things are.

Nerds who wouldn't hurt a fly - little or no success with women. No wife = no wife beating.
Gangsters, thugs, drug dealers, sociopaths, bullies, assholes - plenty of success with women.

So what makes wife beaters tick, in many cases it's just them being their usual asshole if not thug selves. Same individuals likely to engage in animal cruelty IME.

The insane idea that they can take a bad boy and make him good, and change him into a prince of sorts. Fairytale stuff that usually has a nightmare ending.

It probably happens more than we care to admit.
Women don't really like nice men but even nice men can be abusive. I've had one or two relationships and while I've never been violent or close to it, I can see how situations can deteriorate before you even know it. Sometimes my feeling of ineptness would spiral out of control and I'd just want to fly off the handle. With me, it manifested itself in defensiveness. I think men who are more prone to being aggressive but have the same insecurities would react by being physically violent.

They'll never take responsibility for their own actions. It's always the partners fault for "winding them up" or some sob story from their youth, anger management issues etc.

It's never "I am a bad person and I make bad choices".