Why am I single?

ED E · 31-12-2020 4:19pm

Spirituality, mindfulness and an amateur interest in psychology = run a f:cking mile tbh.

Antares35 · 31-12-2020 4:20pm

I think with house prices nowadays very few people can afford to live on their own tbh. When I met my OH I was living at home (I had been living away but moved back after a breakup to get myself together). It wasn't problem for him. He lived in a house share so if we stayed over after a night out etc it was just at his and not mine

We are saving for our own place now. I guess it's different strokes. It wasn't a deal breaker for him and it wouldn't have been for me. My ex from a few years back was still living with his ex wife who he'd been separated from for five years - now THAT was a deal breaker!

qwerty13 · 31-12-2020 4:58pm

OP, you said that you wouldn’t judge people based on their job or living arrangements. I don’t think anyone here is being terribly judgy - more that you were asking for advice re why you didn’t seem to be having any luck beyond initial dates, and people are highlighting what they may find as a deal breaker (or even a less than ideal situation).

No, you shouldn’t have to change yourself or your life. But I think it’s fair enough for potential dates to decide that your life doesn’t fit with what they want. I don’t think that’s judging you badly. I just think it’s people here saying that there’s a chance that what you’ve chosen from your life may not suit some guys you date. And that’s their choice!

We’re all only speculating here, but the freelance job and living at home seem to have struck a chord with a few people. It could be wrong, but it’s something to perhaps consider.

santana75 · 31-12-2020 6:35pm

Op ask yourself what are your intentions towards men and the relationship you want? Its something that not a lot of people do, be really honest with their motivations and intentions. People will say things like "they're looking for love" but rarely do you hear of anyone saying "they're looking to give love or even share love". Do you want to get into a relationship because you want to get something from another person or do you want to be in a relationship because you want share and give to that person? Be really honest with yourself and be clear about your intentions. I've seen people crave a relationship and when they get that relationship it's like they have this list of expectations of the other person. Like this person should make them happy, provide resources for them etc. And sure enough those relationships are fraught with conflict and unhappiness. One big question to ask is do you like men? Or do you see men as people who you can get things from. I know women who deep down dont actually like men, but who crave a relationship with men because they're trying to get something they think they need from men. And it never works out. And I know men who are the same, deep down they dont like women but they try to get things (sex, status)from women. So just be clear about your intentions, and be someone who actually likes men. The women I know who truly love men are the ones who never struggle to get in relationships and stay in them. It makes sense, because deep down people know via a 6th sense whether you like them for who they are and whether your intentions are to just use and take.

CelticRambler · 31-12-2020 8:20pm

I missed this response earlier.

Why am I single wrote: »

For those who feel my living situation makes me seem immature and undatable, I think we have very different values when it comes to finding partners.

<snip>

Sometimes I feel Im judged by other people because I don't follow the status quo ...

Remember that the status quo applies in time and space: change either, and you change your options, but it will be up to you to make the change.

I was somewhat surprised by the reaction of the other posters to those two relatively minor points of who you share your house with and what are your career ambitions (as much by the "thanks" for the relevant posts as the posts themselves); then I went out to chop some logs, pull some dinner from the garden and look admiringly at a trickle of water flowing out of a big hole I dug last month, and thought "I'm not surprised ... sure that's how my mother would think, and isn't that the same reason I live 1000 miles away from her?!" :pac:

That physical distance has put a lot of mental distance between me and my mother (and siblings), but also placed me in an environment where I come into contact with a lot of people who'd fall into the same category as yourself - creative, academic, more interested in a life-work balance than a work-life balance, and frequently living at addresses of dubious permanence!

So in your case, OP, apart from your own cautiousness or introversion, in order to escape from that "good house, good job" mentality, you might have to look well further afield, or expand your search to include an age-group that's realised how little those things matter!

Thelonious Monk · 31-12-2020 9:14pm

The other thing is, if I was on a dating app and I had to tell women I lived at home and had casual work, I wouldn't expect to get a date, ever.
I don't know if it's different if you reverse the sexes, but having your traditional sh*t together is entry level stuff for most people, I think.

cloudatlas · 31-12-2020 10:02pm

pwurple wrote: »

I wonder do you possibly come across as high maintenance? Sometimes that instagramable lifestyle can be perceived as quite superficial. Good for casual encounters but not a long term relationship. Maybe look over the online photos and see if that's a vibe you give off.

I've always found the term 'high maintenance' to be sexist and to be used by people who are threatened by women who like to take care of themselves and look good and it's really about the insecurities of the viewer and not about the person who is the so called 'high maintenance' individual. If a guy looked good in a photo at the gym showing off his biceps or was dressed up in a nice shirt with his hair looking on point nobody would comment that he was 'high maintenance'. I don't think the OP wants to attract those kind of insecure men. More and more people in Ireland are more fashion conscious and health conscious and they shouldn't be shamed for that. Especially now that Dublin is more cosmopolitan.

I'm sure after covid there is book group or even a psychology group that the O.P could join. During this time I think people are feeling time pressure to get on with life after so much down time so what you're feeling is normal.

Have you analysed the relationships you had and why they didn't work out. Is there a clue there?

Mr. Incognito · 31-12-2020 10:14pm

Hello there

Reading this thread reminded me of my ex- she was in a similar position- living at home in her thirties, good job- good hobbies. Doing part time courses for studies etc.

It didnt work out because even though we were the same age I found her very immature. There is a certain independence that comes from living with strangers. Compromises you have to make and a live and let live

It is good to develop you as a person and as a human being. Even though she was in her early thirties she was very much in some ways a teenager and I didnt want to have to deal with that in a long term relationship which requires two independent persons.

I know that it might make economic sense to be at home with friends and family but if you have never challenged yourself to live outside that safety net it does stunt you as a person which is a disadvantage dating guys in their thirties who are looking for a long term partner.

I hope you take that in the spirit it was intended as some of your replies come across a little defensive here and I wish you all the best.

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 10:14pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

The other thing is, if I was on a dating app and I had to tell women I lived at home and had casual work, I wouldn't expect to get a date, ever.
I don't know if it's different if you reverse the sexes, but having your traditional sh*t together is entry level stuff for most people, I think.

I do think this is a tiny bit harsh. I am exactly the same - living at home and casual work is a total deal breaker for me - but OP can hope to attract others in the same boat with similar mindsets. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just a different lifestyle choice. Agree of course it will put a chunk of men off, but if OP is happy with her situation, as long as she understands it might limit her attractiveness with a certain portion of society - so be it, live and let live.

qwerty13 · 31-12-2020 10:17pm

I guess the job and living arrangements stuff is reasonably important to people while dating in order to have enough money for nights out and holidays together - and freedom to go home to each other’s place after dates, and spend the night.

If the relationship is long term, money becomes important for different reasons - buying a car or house together, or having kids.

Of course meals out, holidays, cars or houses aren’t something that interests everyone. But some degree of spending power is needed, especially if the relationship moves to a stage where kids are being discussed. And not everyone would be happy to rent forever, so then you need savings and probably a steady income.

But different strokes for different folks. Where issues might arise with this is if both people have quite different expectations of where they see their life going in terms of this stuff. Or if one party wants the freedom to pursue their dream job and it’s low paying - but yet also wants the holidays / house / kids. Things like this can be huge causes of stress later down the line.

All that would be a very intense conversation to have on an early date! But I’m guessing that the OP is not meeting people with her outlook, and that people with a more ‘standard’ outlook might see the happy to do casual work and live in her parents house as not something that fits with how they see their life going. So maybe it’s a case of making it clear from your profile on the apps that you aren’t interested in that stuff OP. Maybe you might get more hits from guys closer in frame of mind to how you like to live.

Antares35 · 31-12-2020 10:25pm

qwerty13 wrote: »

I guess the job and living arrangements stuff is reasonably important to people while dating in order to have enough money for nights out and holidays together - and freedom to go home to each other’s place after dates, and spend the night.

If the relationship is long term, money becomes important for different reasons - buying a car or house together, or having kids.

Of course meals out, holidays, cars or houses aren’t something that interests everyone. But some degree of spending power is needed, especially if the relationship moves to a stage where kids are being discussed. And not everyone would be happy to rent forever, so then you need savings and probably a steady income.

But different strokes for different folks. Where issues might arise with this is if both people have quite different expectations of where they see their life going in terms of this stuff. Or if one party wants the freedom to pursue their dream job and it’s low paying - but yet also wants the holidays / house / kids. Things like this can be huge causes of stress later down the line.

All that would be a very intense conversation to have on an early date! But I’m guessing that the OP is not meeting people with her outlook, and that people with a more ‘standard’ outlook might see the happy to do casual work and live in her parents house as not something that fits with how they see their life going. So maybe it’s a case of making it clear from your profile on the apps that you aren’t interested in that stuff OP. Maybe you might get more hits from guys closer in frame of mind to how you like to live.

Have I misinterpreted your post or are you suggesting that because the OP does casual work that she's looking for a casual relationship?? Correct me if I'm wrong but I've read it twice and that's what I'm getting.

the14thwarrior · 31-12-2020 11:00pm

I enjoyed reading your post, and all the answers.
I can offer you an opinion why you are still single/not married.

because no one asked you to marry you

because sometimes it takes a bit of luck,, and a bit of timing and a bit of opportunity........
and its nothing you are doing wrong, and it's nothing you are doing right.
because lots of people don't try and meet someone randomly and lots of people try very hard and then say.... it worked for me it will for you.... and lots of people think it must be that you are trying too hard / not trying hard enough / not going to enough social events / going to too many and the list will be as long as your arm.

and all I can say is good luck, and maybe it will happen but please, know that you are doing everything you can to be a nice and good person, and really, it takes a bit of luck in the end.
and someone does have to ask you (or of course you could ask them but you need to be in that space first.)

don't take it as a failure.
live your life.
and see what happens.
c'est la vie

2 fast · 31-12-2020 11:04pm

There is plenty of match makers or speed dating out there it might be worth a shot of you as a change.

I currently live at home because I cant afford to rent and the only places available where I'm based that are affordable are full of druggies and struggle to find a house to buy in my price range and I earn over 30k so I do think it is unfair to judge someone on the fact they live at home especially in this day and age when everyone knows the housing issues in this country.

OP I think there is some very good points and you will find someone that accepts you just have to be more open to different dating options..

Wanderer2010 · 31-12-2020 11:11pm

YellowLead wrote: »

I do think this is a tiny bit harsh. I am exactly the same - living at home and casual work is a total deal breaker for me - but OP can hope to attract others in the same boat with similar mindsets. There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just a different lifestyle choice. Agree of course it will put a chunk of men off, but if OP is happy with her situation, as long as she understands it might limit her attractiveness with a certain portion of society - so be it, live and let live.

Casual work? You do realise there are hundreds of thousands of people out of work because of Covid 19, so you come across as very judgmental. Physical attractiveness is a big factor yes but to put potential dates into a yes or no category based on their job is pure snobbery. You must be very lucky to have a rock solid high flying career, but a huge amount of people in the country right now are between jobs, out of work or looking. That wouldnt put me off , shame other people arent as understanding.

qwerty13 · 31-12-2020 11:14pm

@Antares

No! Not at all! That never entered my head!

What I was trying to say is that money is important to people for various reasons. Not everyone has the same reasons or indeed expectations - for instance the OP loves her job, and doesn’t like the sound of a ‘stuffy office job’. Unfortunately I think the office job does tend to give greater financial independence.

Some people like building towards a life where they can buy a car and house, and have kids. All that costs a fair whack of money - so what I was getting at (badly) is that if the OP meets a guy who wants to build towards the car/house/kids stuff (not an unreasonable expectation when people are in their 30s), and hears that the OP is casually employed and living with her parents, then I imagine he may not feel that they have the same life goals - so there’s a disparity between them straight away. Some people will be fine with that, but as can be seen on this thread, many would not be ok with it. Hence why I thought that perhaps the OP may be engaging with the ‘stuffy office job’ type guys, when she perhaps should go for the ‘creative not interested in money’ types.

Of course it’s not as black and white as that. And just a suggestion as to what might be a sticking point for her on dates.

Thelonious Monk · 31-12-2020 11:16pm

I don't think anyone is judging anyone, I lived at home on and off in my 30s, last time I was 35 to save for a deposit, and I loved it and tried to appreciate the last time I'll prob ever live with my folks.
I think people are just saying it might not be great for your dating portfolio, which has so much choice these days that people's expectations can be quite nuanced!

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 11:18pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Casual work? You do realise there are hundreds of thousands of people out of work because of Covid 19, so you come across as very judgmental. Physical attractiveness is a big factor yes but to put potential dates into a yes or no category based on their job is pure snobbery. You must be very lucky to have a rock solid high flying career, but a huge amount of people in the country right now are between jobs, out of work or looking. That wouldnt put me off , shame other people arent as understanding.

If you read my earlier posts I said it wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t by choice. I just didn’t want to keep repeating myself.

Covit · 31-12-2020 11:24pm

the14thwarrior wrote: »

I enjoyed reading your post, and all the answers.
I can offer you an opinion why you are still single/not married.

because no one asked you to marry you

because sometimes it takes a bit of luck,, and a bit of timing and a bit of opportunity........
and its nothing you are doing wrong, and it's nothing you are doing right.
because lots of people don't try and meet someone randomly and lots of people try very hard and then say.... it worked for me it will for you.... and lots of people think it must be that you are trying too hard / not trying hard enough / not going to enough social events / going to too many and the list will be as long as your arm.

and all I can say is good luck, and maybe it will happen but please, know that you are doing everything you can to be a nice and good person, and really, it takes a bit of luck in the end.
and someone does have to ask you (or of course you could ask them but you need to be in that space first.)

don't take it as a failure.
live your life.
and see what happens.
c'est la vie

That’s well wrote , I’m married 20 years and it’s no barrel of roses

I’m here welcoming in another year in my own bed while she’s in another bedroom . She thinks it’s normal at this stage I feel trapped and lonely.

So op be careful what u wish for

Wanderer2010 · 31-12-2020 11:27pm

YellowLead wrote: »

If you read my earlier posts I said it wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t by choice. I just didn’t want to keep repeating myself.

You already repeated yourself several times about "deal breakers" and your judgments of people who choose casual work. What exactly do you have an issue with if the casual work is by choice, which is what the OP stated?
As i said, there are other factors like chemistry and physical attraction that the OP has to factor in, but a choice of casual work, if it suits the person, as a deal breaker seems bizzare to me.

RurtBeynolds · 31-12-2020 11:45pm

Why am I single wrote: »

Sometimes I feel Im judged by other people because I don't follow the status quo but I dont feel that I should get a secure full time job in something I dislike so I can buy a house for a man to find me worthy enough to date.
Ideally I would like to meet someone who is kind, open minded, mutually interested in me as I am in him and interesting in building a life together as a couple.

This right here would turn me off you. You're living a subsidised lifestyle because you don't "feel" like you should work a full time job you don't like. This does not bode well. If we're in a relationship and buy a house together are you going to maintain that kind of attitude?

santana75 · 31-12-2020 11:59pm

RurtBeynolds wrote: »

This right here would turn me off you. You're living a subsidised lifestyle because you don't "feel" like you should work a full time job you don't like. This does not bode well. If we're in a relationship and buy a house together are you going to maintain that kind of attitude?

I think your post speaks volumes about you and what's really in your heart than it does about the op. What about love? You talk about jobs and living arrangements but no mention of love???? It's like you view a relationship as though it were some sort of business arrangement

YellowLead · 31-12-2020 11:59pm

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

You already repeated yourself several times about "deal breakers" and your judgments of people who choose casual work. What exactly do you have an issue with if the casual work is by choice, which is what the OP stated?
As i said, there are other factors like chemistry and physical attraction that the OP has to factor in, but a choice of casual work, if it suits the person, as a deal breaker seems bizzare to me.

I didn’t say OP should change this, or that there was anything wrong with it - I said more power to her - I just said I wouldn’t choose to date somebody with this lifestyle choice and that there are others like me who would also make that choice. Doesn’t mean I think there won’t be guys it won’t bother.

CelticRambler · 01-01-2021 12:04am

qwerty13 wrote: »

I thought that perhaps the OP may be engaging with the ‘stuffy office job’ type guys, when she perhaps should go for the ‘creative not interested in money’ types.

Very true, but it goes way beyond the simple financial aspect. Someone with a "stuffy office job" is likely to be a lot more tied into other people's routines - fixed working hours, an obligation to put in for holidays weeks or months in advance, a requirement to be on-call or on-duty at short notice. Alternatively, someone doing "freelance/casual" work may be able to organise their work in a way that facilitates a less consumerist or less third-party-dependent lifestyle. Two freelancers, for example, could arrange their gigs so that they always had a month off at the same time to go travelling, or worked complementary hours so that they never needed to pay for childcare.

This refers back to santana75's comment about needing to define what one wants from a long-term relationship - or indeed if a long-term relationship is the right thing. There's a world of difference between "just" wanting a sexual partner, or wanting a someone to have a baby with, or wanting constant companionship... These days, with people living longer and traditional roles changing (in society and in marriage), it's increasingly common for these requirements not to be met by one single partner over the course of a lifetime.

Wanderer2010 · 01-01-2021 12:05am

YellowLead wrote: »

I didn’t say OP should change this, or that there was anything wrong with it - I said more power to her - I just said I wouldn’t choose to date somebody with this lifestyle choice and that there are others like me who would also make that choice. Doesn’t mean I think there won’t be guys it won’t bother.

Is casual work a lifestyle choice? Do you require your dates to be high flyers with very successful careers? There are a massive amount of people in this country especially now, who do not fit that bill. But hey, some people are only into status.

RurtBeynolds · 01-01-2021 12:12am

santana75 wrote: »

I think your post speaks volumes about you and what's really in your heart than it does about the op. What about love? You talk about jobs and living arrangements but no mention of love???? It's like you view a relationship as though it were some sort of business arrangement

Love doesn't even enter the equation when you're deciding if you want a second date with someone. And if I get the impression that I might have to support someone because they don't feel like they should need to work to support themselves, then a second date isn't happening.

YellowLead · 01-01-2021 12:17am

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Is casual work a lifestyle choice? Do you require your dates to be high flyers with very successful careers? There are a massive amount of people in this country especially now, who do not fit that bill. But hey, some people are only into status.

Well OP has described it as her choice??? At no point did I state I would only choose what you call ‘high flyer’ which I assume to you means wealthy? That’s not it - it’s just that I would prefer to date somebody who can contribute tue same as I can to a mortgage and has a strong work ethic. If they can’t, and it’s because they have been looking after elderly parents, or a child, or have a specific disabilty or SOMETHING then that’s different. But if somebody decides oh I’ll do this handy artsy number where I don’t have to do that much work but I’ll let you do the early mornings and live off you - I’d be like off you go and good luck to you, but you’re not for me.

Wanderer2010 · 01-01-2021 12:25am

YellowLead wrote: »

Well OP has described it as her choice??? At no point did I state I would only choose what you call ‘high flyer’ which I assume to you means wealthy? That’s not it - it’s just that I would prefer to date somebody who can contribute tue same as I can to a mortgage and has a strong work ethic. If they can’t, and it’s because they have been looking after elderly parents, or a child, or have a specific disabilty or SOMETHING then that’s different. But if somebody decides oh I’ll do this handy artsy number where I don’t have to do that much work but I’ll let you do the early mornings and live off you - I’d be like....not for me.

I think we have to agree to disagree here, do you always have to insist on having the last word on every set of exchanges :rolleyes:This is about pointing out, tactfully if I may, to the OP, the different views that exist regarding HER OP, not yours. Yes she did choose the casual aspect of her work and, whatever reaction that invokes, they should know the range of dates this limits them to.

OP, if you are happy enough with casual work, and this wont be a financial burden to any future partner ( i admit im jumping ahead here!), then as long as you are upfront about this, I dont think it would be a big issue. As you can see from the replies, some people arent ok with this because they predict they will be carrying an unequal financial share in any relationship but i really think you should only cross that bridge once, or if, you make a connection with that person. Thats more important than the job issue, you might be failing to see the wood for the trees!

SusieBlue · 01-01-2021 12:31am

OP I am late 20’s and also living at home, I moved back in to save money for a deposit after my last relationship ended two years ago.

I work full time but wouldn’t be a particularly high earner so it’ll probably take me a few years (at least) to get the funds together. This has come up in conversation quite regularly both on apps and in person on dates and I have never had a negative reaction to it.
With the current housing crisis, mortgage inequality and sky high rents (even before covid) it’s unfortunately quite the norm to still be living at home even well into your 30’s nowadays.

What isn’t the norm is this being an intentional lifestyle choice, a choice that enables you to lead a more high maintenance lifestyle on a lower budget that you wouldn’t be able to afford if you were renting/paying a mortgage.
That’s what the issue is here - not that you live at home, but that you are choosing to do so to facilitate your lifestyle, and it’s not something you are working towards changing.

I myself would have no issue dating someone living at home but someone working casual hours by choice with no intention of ever moving out independently would be a massive turn off, and wouldn’t align with my plans for the future.
Unfortunately it sounds like it’s also a dealbreaker for men too, which is their prerogative.

I’m not suggesting you get a job you hate just to fit in with societal norms and live a life you’d find miserable, but I do think you need to accept that someone who isn’t financially independent (or working towards being financially independent) is going to be a dealbreaker for a lot of potential partners.

qwerty13 · 01-01-2021 12:43am

@ CelticRambler

Absolutely agree - I thought about the travel stuff too.

I guess the point is that both parties have to be on the same page about it - or at least be prepared to accept and fit around each other’s differing life goals. But how many threads have there been on here where this turns into stress and resentment later on ... one party getting fed up about money, and the other resenting a partner working long hours and having little flexibility.

If the OP is meeting guys who aren’t on the same page as her, then it seems quite possible that only some of them will see her as potential relationship material. That’s why I think the OP may need to consider rewriting her profile in order to find guys who take her view on life - but she may need to consider how this will impact other things that she wants in life, ie will she and a similarly minded partner have enough joint funds to live the life that they want to. I’m afraid I know of very few people who haven’t had to make some compromises in that regard.

CelticRambler · 01-01-2021 12:49am

YellowLead wrote: »

I would prefer to date somebody who can contribute tue same as I can to a mortgage and has a strong work ethic.

Proof that there's no one-size-fits-all. I'd be hard pushed to decide whether that or being a vegan was the biggest turn-off!

Why am I single?

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