Why am I single?

santana75

RurtBeynolds wrote: »

This right here would turn me off you. You're living a subsidised lifestyle because you don't "feel" like you should work a full time job you don't like. This does not bode well. If we're in a relationship and buy a house together are you going to maintain that kind of attitude?

I think your post speaks volumes about you and what's really in your heart than it does about the op. What about love? You talk about jobs and living arrangements but no mention of love???? It's like you view a relationship as though it were some sort of business arrangement

YellowLead

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

You already repeated yourself several times about "deal breakers" and your judgments of people who choose casual work. What exactly do you have an issue with if the casual work is by choice, which is what the OP stated?
As i said, there are other factors like chemistry and physical attraction that the OP has to factor in, but a choice of casual work, if it suits the person, as a deal breaker seems bizzare to me.

I didn’t say OP should change this, or that there was anything wrong with it - I said more power to her - I just said I wouldn’t choose to date somebody with this lifestyle choice and that there are others like me who would also make that choice. Doesn’t mean I think there won’t be guys it won’t bother.

CelticRambler

qwerty13 wrote: »

I thought that perhaps the OP may be engaging with the ‘stuffy office job’ type guys, when she perhaps should go for the ‘creative not interested in money’ types.

Very true, but it goes way beyond the simple financial aspect. Someone with a "stuffy office job" is likely to be a lot more tied into other people's routines - fixed working hours, an obligation to put in for holidays weeks or months in advance, a requirement to be on-call or on-duty at short notice. Alternatively, someone doing "freelance/casual" work may be able to organise their work in a way that facilitates a less consumerist or less third-party-dependent lifestyle. Two freelancers, for example, could arrange their gigs so that they always had a month off at the same time to go travelling, or worked complementary hours so that they never needed to pay for childcare.

This refers back to santana75's comment about needing to define what one wants from a long-term relationship - or indeed if a long-term relationship is the right thing. There's a world of difference between "just" wanting a sexual partner, or wanting a someone to have a baby with, or wanting constant companionship... These days, with people living longer and traditional roles changing (in society and in marriage), it's increasingly common for these requirements not to be met by one single partner over the course of a lifetime.

Wanderer2010

YellowLead wrote: »

I didn’t say OP should change this, or that there was anything wrong with it - I said more power to her - I just said I wouldn’t choose to date somebody with this lifestyle choice and that there are others like me who would also make that choice. Doesn’t mean I think there won’t be guys it won’t bother.

Is casual work a lifestyle choice? Do you require your dates to be high flyers with very successful careers? There are a massive amount of people in this country especially now, who do not fit that bill. But hey, some people are only into status.

RurtBeynolds

santana75 wrote: »

I think your post speaks volumes about you and what's really in your heart than it does about the op. What about love? You talk about jobs and living arrangements but no mention of love???? It's like you view a relationship as though it were some sort of business arrangement

Love doesn't even enter the equation when you're deciding if you want a second date with someone. And if I get the impression that I might have to support someone because they don't feel like they should need to work to support themselves, then a second date isn't happening.

YellowLead

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Is casual work a lifestyle choice? Do you require your dates to be high flyers with very successful careers? There are a massive amount of people in this country especially now, who do not fit that bill. But hey, some people are only into status.

Well OP has described it as her choice??? At no point did I state I would only choose what you call ‘high flyer’ which I assume to you means wealthy? That’s not it - it’s just that I would prefer to date somebody who can contribute tue same as I can to a mortgage and has a strong work ethic. If they can’t, and it’s because they have been looking after elderly parents, or a child, or have a specific disabilty or SOMETHING then that’s different. But if somebody decides oh I’ll do this handy artsy number where I don’t have to do that much work but I’ll let you do the early mornings and live off you - I’d be like off you go and good luck to you, but you’re not for me.

Wanderer2010

YellowLead wrote: »

Well OP has described it as her choice??? At no point did I state I would only choose what you call ‘high flyer’ which I assume to you means wealthy? That’s not it - it’s just that I would prefer to date somebody who can contribute tue same as I can to a mortgage and has a strong work ethic. If they can’t, and it’s because they have been looking after elderly parents, or a child, or have a specific disabilty or SOMETHING then that’s different. But if somebody decides oh I’ll do this handy artsy number where I don’t have to do that much work but I’ll let you do the early mornings and live off you - I’d be like....not for me.

I think we have to agree to disagree here, do you always have to insist on having the last word on every set of exchanges :rolleyes:This is about pointing out, tactfully if I may, to the OP, the different views that exist regarding HER OP, not yours. Yes she did choose the casual aspect of her work and, whatever reaction that invokes, they should know the range of dates this limits them to.

OP, if you are happy enough with casual work, and this wont be a financial burden to any future partner ( i admit im jumping ahead here!), then as long as you are upfront about this, I dont think it would be a big issue. As you can see from the replies, some people arent ok with this because they predict they will be carrying an unequal financial share in any relationship but i really think you should only cross that bridge once, or if, you make a connection with that person. Thats more important than the job issue, you might be failing to see the wood for the trees!

SusieBlue

OP I am late 20’s and also living at home, I moved back in to save money for a deposit after my last relationship ended two years ago.

I work full time but wouldn’t be a particularly high earner so it’ll probably take me a few years (at least) to get the funds together. This has come up in conversation quite regularly both on apps and in person on dates and I have never had a negative reaction to it.
With the current housing crisis, mortgage inequality and sky high rents (even before covid) it’s unfortunately quite the norm to still be living at home even well into your 30’s nowadays.

What isn’t the norm is this being an intentional lifestyle choice, a choice that enables you to lead a more high maintenance lifestyle on a lower budget that you wouldn’t be able to afford if you were renting/paying a mortgage.
That’s what the issue is here - not that you live at home, but that you are choosing to do so to facilitate your lifestyle, and it’s not something you are working towards changing.

I myself would have no issue dating someone living at home but someone working casual hours by choice with no intention of ever moving out independently would be a massive turn off, and wouldn’t align with my plans for the future.
Unfortunately it sounds like it’s also a dealbreaker for men too, which is their prerogative.

I’m not suggesting you get a job you hate just to fit in with societal norms and live a life you’d find miserable, but I do think you need to accept that someone who isn’t financially independent (or working towards being financially independent) is going to be a dealbreaker for a lot of potential partners.

qwerty13

@ CelticRambler

Absolutely agree - I thought about the travel stuff too.

I guess the point is that both parties have to be on the same page about it - or at least be prepared to accept and fit around each other’s differing life goals. But how many threads have there been on here where this turns into stress and resentment later on ... one party getting fed up about money, and the other resenting a partner working long hours and having little flexibility.

If the OP is meeting guys who aren’t on the same page as her, then it seems quite possible that only some of them will see her as potential relationship material. That’s why I think the OP may need to consider rewriting her profile in order to find guys who take her view on life - but she may need to consider how this will impact other things that she wants in life, ie will she and a similarly minded partner have enough joint funds to live the life that they want to. I’m afraid I know of very few people who haven’t had to make some compromises in that regard.

CelticRambler

YellowLead wrote: »

I would prefer to date somebody who can contribute tue same as I can to a mortgage and has a strong work ethic.

Proof that there's no one-size-fits-all. I'd be hard pushed to decide whether that or being a vegan was the biggest turn-off!

YellowLead

qwerty13 wrote: »

@Antares

No! Not at all! That never entered my head!

What I was trying to say is that money is important to people for various reasons. Not everyone has the same reasons or indeed expectations - for instance the OP loves her job, and doesn’t like the sound of a ‘stuffy office job’. Unfortunately I think the office job does tend to give greater financial independence.

Some people like building towards a life where they can buy a car and house, and have kids. All that costs a fair whack of money - so what I was getting at (badly) is that if the OP meets a guy who wants to build towards the car/house/kids stuff (not an unreasonable expectation when people are in their 30s), and hears that the OP is casually employed and living with her parents, then I imagine he may not feel that they have the same life goals - so there’s a disparity between them straight away. Some people will be fine with that, but as can be seen on this thread, many would not be ok with it. Hence why I thought that perhaps the OP may be engaging with the ‘stuffy office job’ type guys, when she perhaps should go for the ‘creative not interested in money’ types.

Of course it’s not as black and white as that. And just a suggestion as to what might be a sticking point for her on dates.

Very well put. It’s not a criticism of OP, just an acknowledgement that sometimes people have different life goals

YellowLead

CelticRambler wrote: »

Proof that there's no one-size-fits-all. I'd be hard pushed to decide whether that or being a vegan was the biggest turn-off!

This is what makes life interesting...we all have different turn ons and turn offs - I hope I haven’t come across as being disrespectful, it wasn’t my intention at all...sometimes it’s hard to articulate what I want to say in a nice way!
When it comes to vegans by the way since you mentioned them, for me it’s all down to their reason for being vegan rather than their status as vegan....exactly the same as I would assess working casually - what’s the reason behind it

CelticRambler

SusieBlue wrote: »

What isn’t the norm is this being an intentional lifestyle choice, a choice that enables you to lead a more high maintenance lifestyle on a lower budget that you wouldn’t be able to afford if you were renting/paying a mortgage.
That’s what the issue is here - not that you live at home, but that you are choosing to do so to facilitate your lifestyle, and it’s not something you are working towards changing.

There's a bit of blinkered vision going on there: this "high maintenance lifestyle" doesn't necessarily have to be expensive, and it's entirely possible that being tied in to a rental agreement, or worse, a mortgage would prevent the OP from making the kind of situational change that would give her everything she wants. Just because rent and property prices are crazy high in Ireland doesn't mean that it's normal - perhaps the OP's future lies in one of the Italian villages where they pay you to come and live and run a business? In which case, she can up and go on Saturday morning, taking her freelancer's skills with her, fall in love with an Italian with a poor work ethic and be of far more use to society than someone sitting in an office processing whiplash insurance claims from 9 to 5.

SusieBlue

CelticRambler wrote: »

There's a bit of blinkered vision going on there: this "high maintenance lifestyle" doesn't necessarily have to be expensive, and it's entirely possible that being tied in to a rental agreement, or worse, a mortgage would prevent the OP from making the kind of situational change that would give her everything she wants. Just because rent and property prices are crazy high in Ireland doesn't mean that it's normal - perhaps the OP's future lies in one of the Italian villages where they pay you to come and live and run a business? In which case, she can up and go on Saturday morning, taking her freelancer's skills with her, fall in love with an Italian with a poor work ethic and be of far more use to society than someone sitting in an office processing whiplash insurance claims from 9 to 5.

I’m sorry but your post is full of whataboutery.
If OP wants to go fall in love with some Italian man under the sunset while living in a fishing village then more power to her, but that doesn’t sound like what she wants. It sounds like she’s going for your average, typical Irish guy, and your average typical Irish guy doesn’t seem to have much interest in someone who chooses to live at home working casual hours in to fund a high maintenance lifestyle.

Just to list a few of OP’s hobbies, having an interest in makeup, skincare, and fashion is expensive.
Particularly skincare, anyone with a genuine interest in that area knows it can be expensive as hell. So is regularly getting your hair and nails done.
I know all this because they’re my hobbies and interests too, and I can say for a fact that even living at home there is no way I could afford to regularly indulge in any of those things (let alone all of them) working part time or casual hours.
As a matter of fact, when I was working part time I did my own hair and getting my nails done wasn’t even a consideration cause I couldn’t afford it.
She also enjoys yoga, attending counselling, reading, eating out, and regularly attending museums & galleries.
All great and lovely but they all cost money, they are luxuries.

Her lifestyle probably would be more suited to a more free spirited ‘go with the flow’ type of guy, but that doesn’t sound like what she wants.
So she either needs to broaden her horizons & open herself up to dating different kinds of guys, or else accept that the way she chooses to live will be a dealbreaker for a lot of men.

CelticRambler

SusieBlue wrote: »

I’m sorry but your post is full of whataboutery.

Only as much as your own -

SusieBlue wrote: »

Just to list a few of OP’s hobbies, having an interest in makeup, skincare, and fashion is expensive.
Particularly skincare, anyone with a genuine interest in that area knows it can be expensive as hell. So is regularly getting your hair and nails done.
I know all this because they’re my hobbies and interests too, and I can say for a fact that even living at home there is no way I could afford to regularly indulge in any of those things (let alone all of them) working part time or casual hours.
As a matter of fact, when I was working part time I did my own hair and getting my nails done wasn’t even a consideration cause I couldn’t afford it.
She also enjoys yoga, attending counselling, reading, eating out, and regularly attending museums & galleries.
All great and lovely but they all cost money, they are luxuries.

The OP has made it clear that she places a high value on looking after her physical and mental well-being, and has opted to be sensible with her finances by giving up on rental accommodation when there's a better deal available for her by living in the family home.

And yes, some hair and beauty products are expensive, but my daughters are perfectly capable of balancing that particular budget and it pales into insignificance compared to things like concert tickets or iPhones or the cost of flights to Africa.

Now maybe the OP is looking for a "typical Irish guy" but there's nothing in any of her posts that says that. She's described to us what kind of a person she is - that doesn't mean that she makes a big deal of it in her dating profile or goes all princess on a first date.

2 fast

From my experience on dating apps guys are looking for girls that have extensively travelled, look after their appearance (makeup, tan, nails etc.) While being independent and having your space is great you cant have everything and compromise has to happen.

Its different strokes for different folks.

YellowLead

2 fast wrote: »

From my experience on dating apps guys are looking for girls that have extensively travelled, look after their appearance (makeup, tan, nails etc.) While being independent and having your space is great you cant have everything and compromise has to happen.

Its different strokes for different folks.

It really depends on the kind of man you are after. For example none of the men I’ve ever chatted with/dated have been into the overly done up took you speak of and express relief if I mention I don’t do fake tan. They are happy I don’t take 2 hours to get ready and that I look like the same person when the subtle make up I wear comes off. When it comes to liking women who look after themselves that is indeed a big deal - but it’s looking after your health (diet/exercise) that impresses as opposed to being caked in tan/make up. So there is indeed no one size that fits all!

Two of the big things, apart from a healthy lifestyle, that are important to the men I chat with are emotional maturity and having interests/passions in life.

It sounds like OP looks after herself so that’s a check. And it’s a check also when it comes to having hobbies and interests - it sounds like OP could hold a good conversation and would have plenty to discuss.

So I’m afraid what seems to be missing is the lack of maturity, or perceived lack of.
Wanting to live at home as a means to an end until you meet the right guy, and even loving the fact that aunties and uncles are near (sweet but a tiny bit babyish) comes across as childlike. If you are happy to date somebody with the same attitude as yourself OP, how will you both fulfill your stated wish of getting your own place together ?? Are you looking for somebody with a trust fund? Or would you like to travel back in time when women didn’t/couldn’t really have careers and a male breadwinner was the norm?

Daisy78

Did the op not mention in one of her posts that she previously did rent in a house share and that it didn’t make much of a difference in terms of the response she received from the men she was meeting? I’m not entirely convinced that her living circumstances are what is contributing to her lack of success.

YellowLead

Daisy78 wrote: »

Did the op not mention in one of her posts that she previously did rent in a house share and that it didn’t make much of a difference in terms of the response she received from the men she was meeting? I’m not entirely convinced that her living circumstances are what is contributing to her lack of success.

Indeed it’s not the sole reason. The described shyness is prob a big factor too. But I still think the wanting to be housed by mammy/daddy or potential boyfriend part is off putting for a lot of men. It’s perhaps not the sole factor here, but it’s sure to be a contributing one.
OPs question seems to be why am I not married rather than why am I single, as she has mentioned behaviours when in relationships so is therefore not a perma singleton. Lack of total self sufficiency might be considered ok by a wider pool of people in your twenties for casual relationships but when it comes to your 30s and marriage - some men will be looking for women with similar life goals, so OP could expect to settle down with a guy who also chooses part time work and living at home/welfare as a choice. However given she has said she hopes to get a place with somebody, it sounds like she potentially expects said somebody to fund this - so is caught between a rock and a hard place...you can’t have your cake and eat it too springs to mind.

YellowLead

"A bit about me, im early 30's freelance/casual worker living with family. From the outside this doesnt sound ideal but for me it works, my adult sibling lives at home too, cousins & aunties/uncles live a stones throw away from us”

Just reading back to OPs original post, she acknowledges that her living at home by choice and doing minimal work ‘doesn’t sound ideal’.

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

Indeed it’s not the sole reason. The described shyness is prob a big factor too. But I still think the wanting to be housed by mammy/daddy or potential boyfriend part is off putting for a lot of men. It’s perhaps not the sole factor here, but it’s sure to be a contributing one.
OPs question seems to be why am I not married rather than why am I single, as she has mentioned behaviours when in relationships so is therefore not a perma singleton. Lack of self sufficiency might be ok in your twenties for casual relationships but when it comes to your 30s and marriage - men will be looking for women with similar life goals, so OP can expect to settle down with a guy who also chooses part time work and living at home/welfare as a choice. However given she has said she hopes to get a place with somebody, it sounds like she is expecting said somebody to fund this - so is caught between a rock and a hard place...you can’t have your cake and eat it too springs to mind.

When did OP say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend?

victor8600

I would argue that the most interesting relationships are found through having to know people due to some external constraints. For example, you have to spend time with your colleagues or college mates. People in their 30s usually have less opportunities to meet new people, especially if they are stuck in a routine.

My advice is to break the routine, go out when it is allowed, join a cult, get a new hobby where you have to interact with other people, start a club for something you are passionate about, create an Instagram account with 10k followers. All this stuff about money, you living with your parents is not as important as putting yourself out there and let others see you and getting an interest in you.

YellowLead

Antares35 wrote: »

When did OP say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend?

She has said she is happy with her current casual working situation and doesn’t show any desire to change this. She has said she expects to get a place when she meets someone but has not expressed any desire to increase her earnings....so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to decipher. This is all based on assumptions from what she has told us of course, and how things appear. Prospective boyfriends will make the same assumptions - it doesn’t mean they are correct but she did ask us to point out what might be contributing to her lack of boyfriend.

YellowLead

victor8600 wrote: »

I would argue that the most interesting relationships are found through having to know people due to some external constraints. For example, you have to spend time with your colleagues or college mates. People in their 30s usually have less opportunities to meet new people, especially if they are stuck in a routine.

My advice is to break the routine, go out when it is allowed, join a cult, get a new hobby where you have to interact with other people, start a club for something you are passionate about, create an Instagram account with 10k followers. All this stuff about money, you living with your parents is not as important as putting yourself out there and let others see you and getting an interest in you.

Agree this is good advice. But it sounds from OP like she is doing all of this already.

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

She has said she is happy with her current casual working situation and doesn’t show any desire to change this. She has said she expects to get a place when she meets someone but has not expressed any desire to increase her earnings....so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to decipher. This is all based on assumptions from what she has told us of course, and how things appear. Prospective boyfriends will make the same assumptions - it doesn’t mean they are correct but she did ask us to point out what might be contributing to her lack of boyfriend.

Ok, but she didn't actually say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend.

You don't know how much she earns. You don't know how much she has saved.

YellowLead

Antares35 wrote: »

Ok, but she didn't actually say she wants to be housed by a boyfriend.

You don't know how much she earns. You don't know how much she has saved.

Indeed I don’t - but she said she would have to rely on social welfare in order to move out....i don’t think she would be granted welfare if she had sufficient earnings or a wad of decent savings.

cloudatlas

YellowLead wrote: »

She has said she is happy with her current casual working situation and doesn’t show any desire to change this. She has said she expects to get a place when she meets someone but has not expressed any desire to increase her earnings....so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to decipher. This is all based on assumptions from what she has told us of course, and how things appear. Prospective boyfriends will make the same assumptions - it doesn’t mean they are correct but she did ask us to point out what might be contributing to her lack of boyfriend.

She doesn't say how much she earns from the casual work so it's a stretch to make that assumption plus she is saving money now. There is no indication that she wouldn't be able to pay half the rent on a place if she met someone.

NASA rocket scientists provided a female astronaut with 100 tampons for a six day trip to space.

YellowLead

cloudatlas wrote: »

She doesn't say how much she earns from the casual work so it's a stretch to make that assumption plus she is saving money now. There is no indication that she wouldn't be able to pay half the rent on a place if she met someone.

NASA rocket scientists provided a female astronaut with 100 tampons for a six day trip to space.

I don’t get why she would have to claim HAP to rent a room so??? The fact she would indicates that indeed she would not be able to pay half. Again....we can only go on what she has said. She has not said she would work more to get a place with somebody, this could indeed be the case - I can’t read her mind, only her words.

CelticRambler

YellowLead wrote: »

Are you looking for somebody with a trust fund? Or would you like to travel back in time when women didn’t/couldn’t really have careers and a male breadwinner was the norm?

YellowLead wrote: »

she said she would have to rely on social welfare in order to move out....

Ah FFS YellowLead, would you give this whole benefit-scrounger-stay-at-home-princess-thing a rest now.

What the OP said was:

SinglePringle0736 wrote: »

Its better than paying unaffordable high rents as far as im concerned and I wouldnt feel ok signing on the housing list or accepting HAP while so many need it more than me.

Just because someone would qualify for benefits doesn't mean they need them (or should receive them); and the OP has clearly shown that she's perfectly capable of living without state handouts or some Prince Charming to pay for her beauty regime.

Neither has she ever said she wouldn't work any harder if she needed to. I'd run a mile from anyone with your obsession with work and money!

Now how about giving the poor girl :rolleyes: some useful suggestions to broaden her appeal instead ... ?

victor8600

YellowLead wrote: »

Agree this is good advice. But it sounds from OP like she is doing all of this already.

Thanks! Is she doing stuff that allows/compels men to spend time with her though? She is involved with a charity, but what does it mean in practice? I have hobbies too, but I won't meet many potential dates when hillwalking in Mournes.

What I am thinking is that there is nothing wrong with the OP per se. She just needs to meet men in whatever setting and be assertive enough to not let a suitable person fade away. Relationships need work. There is no ideal soul mate who will love you from the first sight, not when you're past teenage years.

Airyfairy12

Reading through the post and the comments, I notice the most judgmental comments are from people who have their own homes and good jobs but are actually single themselves so maybe not the best people to be dishing out advice and judgy comments on why other people are single. It also proves a point that you can "have your sh!t together" and still be single.
Also, the OP said nothing about marriage or wanting to be 'kept' by someone. The judgmental and presumptuous comments directed at the OP are quite harsh in my opinion and are reflection of the people posting them, not the OP.
As for the casual/part time work in 'art acedamia' theres been a number of comments suggesting this means she has no work ethic and does minimal work.
Art acedemia could literally be lecturing in art colleges - its very difficult to get full time lecturing jobs and allot of lectuers are casual/part time.
She could be part time/casual subbing teaching art in secondary schools
She could be a curator working in different art galleries, again this is an area where is hard to pin down a job and can often mean casual/part time work.
She could work in adult education in Youthreach centers which again, is often casual/part time
Sometimes artists are paid by the arts council to go into schools, community centers, colleges & galleries giving art workshops, maybe shes doing this?
All of the jobs mentioned require strong work ethic, organisation, planning the ability to be mature and professional and in the long run all could lead to permanent very good paying jobs. Reading her post, I dont get the impression shes sitting at home living like a starving artist so chances are she has some kind of decent enough income, the problem with casual work is the income isnt always predictable. This causes problems if you have rent to pay but had a bad month work wise.

To answer the OP's question - no on can answer it because dating is subjective, I have a friend whos a primary teacher on 50k a year, with her own house whose single.
Ive a friend whos never worked a day in her life, had a house handed to her by her parents, lives like a princess and is engaged to a man who worships the ground she walks on.
Ive another friend whose an artist & has done a CE scheme but otherwise never worked really besides making paintings and shes in a relationship with a really nice man.
I know for me, when I use dating apps im actually put off men that own a home because it feels a bit like if things did progress we wouldnt rent or buy a house or apartment together, a place we both loved and both saw a future in, Id be moving into their home and no matter what it would never truly feel like ours. Something about someone being so secure when their single and childless puts me off as they have the freedom to do anything they like but choose not to, they choose total security. The mundaness and lonliness of that life would scare me to death and have me running for the hills. So each to their own.

Reading through your posts you mentioned shyness and introversion, if you dont meet lots of different people in a social environment and put yourself out there, you have very little chance of finding a partner and that goes for anyone regardless of the type of job they have or who they live with.

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

Indeed I don’t - but she said she would have to rely on social welfare in order to move out....i don’t think she would be granted welfare if she had sufficient earnings or a wad of decent savings.

Maybe not, but unless she specifically states on her dating profile that she would need HAP to move out, then I don't see how it's relevant to giving her constructive advice about meeting someone.

YellowLead

CelticRambler wrote: »

Ah FFS YellowLead, would you give this whole benefit-scrounger-stay-at-home-princess-thing a rest now.

What the OP said was:
Just because someone would qualify for benefits doesn't mean they need them (or should receive them); and the OP has clearly shown that she's perfectly capable of living without state handouts or some Prince Charming to pay for her beauty regime.

Neither has she ever said she wouldn't work any harder if she needed to. I'd run a mile from anyone with your obsession with work and money!

Now how about giving the poor girl :rolleyes: some useful suggestions to broaden her appeal instead ... ?

I’m not obsessed with work and money - I would merely like to buy my own house and leave the rental scene because it’s a killer. I don’t expect a man to buy a house for me, therefore work is necessary.

Others have posted, including several men, to say they would be put off by OPs choices so it’s not my imagination! She asked and we are just telling her what we find off putting. Not trying to be hurtful just helpful!

She sounds like a lovely person with lots of interests, some intelligence, who is a little shy. I wonder is she going for the wrong kind of men? She has said on the dating apps that men don’t make the effort to meet up. I’m on the apps too and anytime I match with somebody they are always dying to meet up and they do.

Perhaps OP is targeting men who don’t match her lifestyle? A small percentage of men get 80% of the swipes and therefore have a tonne of choice - they are going to pick somebody who is similar to them on a superficial level rather than putting work in to get to know OP. I would suggest OP looks carefully at the types of guys she is matching with. Be witty and engaging when they chat, flirt a little, and perhaps mention that the living at home/casual work thing is temporary so they don’t judge you based on it.

I’m not saying this is OP but I know people who only swipe on the most good looking folks with pictures of expensive hotel resorts in the background...and then wonder why they are having little luck.

YellowLead

Antares35 wrote: »

Maybe not, but unless she specifically states on her dating profile that she would need HAP to move out, then I don't see how it's relevant to giving her constructive advice about meeting someone.

She hasn’t said nobody swipes right. Just that they don’t make an effort to meet or if they do it’s just for sex. Unfortunately there is no magic radar to detect those kinds of men, but after time you do get a bit of a feel for it and certain profiles/early chats present red flags which can be an indicator. If OP mentions the casual nature of work is by choice in these early conversations it’s gonna fall flat if she is only swiping on high earners/ambitious men herself.

Airyfairy12

YellowLead wrote: »

I’m not obsessed with work and money - I would merely like to buy my own house and leave the rental scene because it’s a killer. I don’t expect a man to buy a house for me, therefore work is necessary.

Others have posted, including several men, to say they would be put off by OPs choices so it’s not my imagination! She asked and we are just telling her what we find off putting. Not trying to be hurtful just helpful!

She sounds like a lovely person with lots of interests, some intelligence, who is a little shy. I wonder is she going for the wrong kind of men? She has said on the dating apps that men don’t make the effort to meet up. I’m on the apps too and anytime I match with somebody they are always dying to meet up and they do.

Perhaps OP is targeting men who don’t match her lifestyle? A small percentage of men get 80% of the swipes and therefore have a tonne of choice - they are going to pick somebody who is similar to them on a superficial level rather than putting work in to get to know OP. I would suggest OP looks carefully at the types of guys she is matching with. Be witty and engaging when they chat, flirt a little, and perhaps mention that the living at home/casual work thing is temporary so they don’t judge you based on it.

Then why are you single? Through out this thread youve posted higher than though comments to the op about her life that you know nothing about and criticizing her, youre not just making 'helpful' suggestions, youre judging her life which is evident in your bitchy comments about her being a spoiled princess stuck in the 1950's waiting for a man to keep her. All assumptions that wearnt in her post at all.
If you know so much and are such a dating expert, you wouldnt be single yourself so maybe you dont know everything like you think you do.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Reading through your posts you mentioned shyness and introversion, if you dont meet lots of different people in a social environment and put yourself out there, you have very little chance of finding a partner and that goes for anyone regardless of the type of job they have or who they live with.

+1 on this advice.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Then why are you single? Through out this thread youve posted higher than though comments to the op about her life that you know nothing about and criticizing her, youre not just making 'helpful' suggestions, youre judging her life which is evident in your bitchy comments about her being a spoiled princess stuck in the 1950's waiting for a man to keep her. All assumptions that wearnt in her post at all.
If you know so much and are such a dating expert, you wouldnt be single yourself so maybe you dont know everything like you think you do.

I’m not always the best at articulating myself. I’m not trying to be judgemental or bitchy. I’ve said plenty of times more power to her and she shouldn’t change if she is happy with her situation - I’m just pointing out (as did lots of others) a lifestyle feature which could be off putting to some men (because she asked). I’m not saying it’s wrong!!!

I wonder why there is such defensiveness around this? It’s not meant in a judgemental way.

I’m single because I came out of a 17 year relationship less than a year ago and I have no desire to settle down any time soon. But I have coached many single friends over the years and am entitled to my opinion, as is everybody who posts here. I don’t appreciate the personal attack - I didn’t start a thread asking why I am single

Antares35

YellowLead wrote: »

She hasn’t said nobody swipes right. Just that they don’t make an effort to meet or if they do it’s just for sex. Unfortunately there is no magic radar to detect those kinds of men, but after time you do get a bit of a feel for it and certain profiles/early chats present red flags which can be an indicator. If OP mentions the casual nature of work is by choice in these early conversations it’s gonna fall flat if she is only swiping on high earners/ambitious men herself.

Ambitious men? And who divulges their salary on a dating website?

I don't know about the casual work thing tbh because I was in full time, permanent employment when I met my OH. But, it was also a shít job where I was undervalued and OH gave me the encouragement to put myself out there and within several months of dating him, I'd moved to a job with a 50percent increase.

Prior to that I was on half his take home pay, and I lived at home. He was in a house share, and obviously in a much better job, but he didn't look down on me for where I was, and certainly I never scrounged off him (if anything I was acutely aware of the disparity in our take home pay and made sure he never subsidised anything even though he's old fashioned in terms of thinking the guy should treat on dates ha).

Anyway now we are saving for our own house and we have more or less equal pay. Things change. People progress etc. OP won't be in her situation forever. I think it's a shallow person who judges a prospective partner based on take home pay etc.

Fol20

I think the entire thread appears to have side tracked from the OP's original question.

Casually working - I wouldnt be put off by a women in her early 30's living at home as long as its for the right reasons however like most people that have commented so far, if by choice, you are casually working would be a big turn off for me. Its not about the amount of money that would bug me but the perceived work ethic. The lack of ambition to work full time and live a "grown up" life and suit the norms that are instilled in us would go against my values. Eg if someone is not earning much but is working very hard, or someone is being efficient with their time and is still being fully independent, i would be ok with both. In your case, you appear to choose your passion however, it lacks security, drive to better yourself career wise. As others have mentioned, a creative type would better match your values so i would make sure you show this on your dating profile so you dont go on dates with the likes of me.

Maturity - In your 30's, independence would be very important for me. People at that age would generally be looking to settle down, have kids etc. Based on the way you have described yourself. It still seems like your not at that stage of your life given you want to live with your parents, be near your family etc. Only you can answer this but what is your maturity like?


Feedback - Ask your best friends to see if they have any opinions of your dating life - make sure they can talk frankly to you. If your girl friends have boyfriends, you could also ask for their impressions of you indirectly through your girlfriends > At least this way you will receive feedback from the opposite sex on areas you could improve to better your odds when you go on dates.

Shyness - Being shy can have its drawbacks but is not a deal breaker. Im shy myself and i prefer to be with other shy people like myself. You have loads of hobbies so you should be able to talk once you start opening up. I would also see if you can join something where both sexes take part to see if you can naturally talk to men. Charities as you mentioned might be one or tag rugby would be another.

Numbers game - I think the key point here is how often do you put yourself out there? Are you trying to date every week, once a month, once a year? There is someone out there for everyone and its a numbers game > the more you go on the dates the better your odds are of meeting MR right. Its daunting, emotionally draining but put in the work and you will eventually get there and meet a man that suits your values in life.

Airyfairy12

YellowLead wrote: »

I’m just not the best at articulating myself. I’m not trying to be judgemental or bitchy. I’ve said plenty of times more power to her and she shouldn’t change if she is happy with her situation - I’m just pointing out (as did lots of others) a lifestyle feature which could be off putting to some men (because she asked). I’m not saying it’s wrong!!!

I wonder why there is such defensiveness around this? It’s not meant in a judgemental way.

I’m single because I came out of a 17 year relationship less than a year ago and I have no desire to settle down any time soon. But I have coached many single friends over the years and am entitled to my opinion, as is everybody who posts here. I don’t appreciate the personal attack - I didn’t start a thread asking why I am single

Whether or not you mean to come across as bitchy and judgmental isnt the point, you are coming across that way. You are saying mean things then backing down and saying you cant articulate yourself almost like youre looking for sympathy or something.
Something about her lifestyle grates on you and youre taking that frustration out on this thread.
As others mentioned, people progress, whose to say where the OP will be in 5 years time.

LLMMLL

I'd agree with an earlier poster. It's all about luck.

The dating apps are full to the brim with guys who have no intention of settling down or who have some dodgy issues. You have to be lucky to get one of the guys who are on there ready to commit.

You're just going to have to keep playing the numbers game and also maybe examine is there a pattern to your own responses when you meet a nice guy and you feel "there's no spark". You may be rejecting perfectly suitable guys for a not great reason.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Whether or not you mean to come across as bitchy and judgmental isnt the point, you are coming across that way. You are saying mean things then backing down and saying you cant articulate yourself almost like youre looking for sympathy or something.
Something about her lifestyle grates on you and youre taking that frustration out on this thread.
As others mentioned, people progress, whose to say where the OP will be in 5 years time.

I must be taking her up wrong because it doesn’t seem like she is working towards or wants to change her situation, she seems happy out as she is and fair play!
I have genuinely tried (and failed obviously) to say what I want to say without coming across as bitchy. I basically meant to say what Fol20 has said - he articulated things better.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Okay that's enough general discussion - you're supposed to have constructive advice addressed to the OP when you post. The OP is the focus of the thread and repeatedly talking about the OP in the 3rd person rather than to the OP is bad form in PI.

Off topic posts will be deleted going forward.

Thanks

SusieBlue

CelticRambler wrote: »

Only as much as your own -


The OP has made it clear that she places a high value on looking after her physical and mental well-being, and has opted to be sensible with her finances by giving up on rental accommodation when there's a better deal available for her by living in the family home.

And yes, some hair and beauty products are expensive, but my daughters are perfectly capable of balancing that particular budget and it pales into insignificance compared to things like concert tickets or iPhones or the cost of flights to Africa.

Now maybe the OP is looking for a "typical Irish guy" but there's nothing in any of her posts that says that. She's described to us what kind of a person she is - that doesn't mean that she makes a big deal of it in her dating profile or goes all princess on a first date.

Yes she does, and when men notice that she spends a large portion of her casual income maintaining her appearance at the expense of saving for a mortgage/renting accommodation, they seem to find that unattractive.
As I said before, there is absolutely nothing wrong with living at home at any point of your life, but it should not be the default position to have more disposable income to spend on frivolous things, while doing nothing to change your personal circumstances.
That isn’t a remotely sensible way for a responsible adult to carry on, no matter how you try to dress it up.
If I met a man like that, I would find them immature and lacking independence and wouldn’t want to take things further either.

Skincare, makeup, and fashion are very expensive hobbies, let alone everything else on the list. So is regularly getting hair and nails done.
I don’t think OP is superficial or a Princess, because as I said, we have pretty much all of the same hobbies and interests.
But she must be communicating her personal situation in a way that is turning men off.
There is nothing wrong with how she chooses to live, but she needs to accept that because it’s quite far removed from the norm these days, and your average man might not be into that kind of life.
So as I said previously she either needs to accept that, and accept that her dating pool is a bit smaller than she’d like, or look at dating other kinds of men.
Because she clearly isn’t compatible with the ones she is choosing if they lose interest when she explains her lifestyle to them.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Wanderer & Susie - I'm going to take by the timestamps that you were writing your posts when my mod note went up - any further off topic posts will be deleted.

Edited 15:50: Mod warning: Wanderer, I know you're well able to make a point without putting a dig at another poster into your advice to the OP. Please don't do that again.

YellowLead

OP - I’m a little quiet and introverted myself, and I’ve done some reading on mixing this kind of personality with dating.
Sometimes when you are a little shy you tend to wait for the other person to initiate the conversation or to decide what to do on a date, where to go. You sometimes find yourself agreeing with everything they say so as not to cause offence. This can be off putting.
Not saying it’s what you do, but I’ve been guilty of that sometimes due to my shyness and I’ve seen it in others. Making an effort to put yourself out there, speak out and take the risk, can help. Self confidence is always an attractive trait.

https://www.eharmony.com/blog/things-shy-people-dating-shouldnt/

Wanderer2010

OP, I would disregard the judgments here so far [SNIPPED]. The fact is, if you feel you have to change your work or job just to suit someone else, you will always resent it on some subconscious level and it will come out later on in the relationship. Your best bet in this regard is to be straight about it from the off. If someone else has a problem with it, its their problem and not yours.

Catsandcandles

LLMMLL wrote: »

I'd agree with an earlier poster. It's all about luck.

The dating apps are full to the brim with guys who have no intention of settling down or who have some dodgy issues. You have to be lucky to get one of the guys who are on there ready to commit.

You're just going to have to keep playing the numbers game and also maybe examine is there a pattern to your own responses when you meet a nice guy and you feel "there's no spark". You may be rejecting perfectly suitable guys for a not great reason.

With some of the apps people can say if they are looking for a relationship or for something more casual, so keep an eye on that.

Try and go on as many apps as you can and keep looking, keep swiping, keep chatting. it's tough out there and believe me there are many of us who feel like throwing in the towel! Hopefully in 2021 covid restrictions can relax and you will have better opportunities to meet others in real life - through work, or community groups, sports clubs, etc - you have lots of hobbies and interests. As you are a little quiet this will be a good way to meet people because they will be spending repeated time with you and will get to know your personality. The apps are a good addition to the dating arsenal but they certainly aren't the only way to try.

Be realistic about your expectations and try and ask yourself what you are truly looking for. Many people have a checklist that isn't realistic and they can overlook potential mates by holding others to too high a standard, that they wouldn't even hold themselves too. Finding somebody with a similiar outlook on life can be tough, but persistence should pay off.

CivilCybil

Hi OP. As someone who spent a fair bit of time in my 20s dating this is what I found to work.

1. Never say no to an invitation. If someone suggests meeting up, do. If someone says we should grab a drink, take them up on it. Male, female, work colleagues, friends of friends. Whatever it is, go. You'll massively broaden your social circle and meet lots of new people. Become the person who makes the arrangements. Most people are willing to go for a drink or to an event but also won't have the inclination to arrange it. So someone says "we should go to that play". Instead of saying _yeah we should" and nothing comes of it, say "we should. Does next week suit? What days are you free". Follow up on these open invites.
2. For dating apps it's a numbers game. And about luck. Some won't like you. Some will. And vice versa. Don't spent too much of your time on someone without meeting up. And don't get too invested early on. Have a "Next!" mentality about it.

That's what worked for me and lessons I've learned.

Lots of talk about your situation but the reality is that it will appeal to some and not others.
I met my husband online. He lived at home due to his separation and worked in a low income job. I had my own home and a better job. But that suited me because we lived two hours apart and I knew I wouldn't move (I had a child in school) so his lack of ties to where he lived was a bonus for me. For other women they would have been an immediate no. Same with me. I was a single parent. Some men didn't mind. Others wouldn't entertain the thought.

Bringing me to point two. The number of men I met who would continue to message or ask me out even though they'd said that they weren't interested in a woman with a child. Lord but they'd probably still be messaging me now if I'd not cut them off. Some people are there for sex, some for an ego boost etc. If you want a relationship then don't let the time wasters waste your time or use up your energy. Be ruthless.

My last bout of singledom I only arranged 4 dates but probably chatted to 100 guys.

2 were interested in me but I didn't feel the same
1 was a mutual lack of interest
1 is my now husband (who btw moved here and got a better job and contributes to the household)

As I said, a numbers game along with a bit of luck.

Wishing you every success OP.

santana75

Reading through the comments on this thread has been depressing. Lots of talk of jobs and living arrangements but nobody has even mentioned anything about character and the capacity to love. It's like you view people as commodities, someone you size up in terms of resources and what you think you can extract from them. That's not a relationship, that's a power struggle. If you size people up according to their occupation or material resources then you'll struggle to ever have a healthy happy loving relationship. I've seen this happen so many times. Women I've known desperate to have kids will get with someone who has a good job or whatever but character traits and chemistry aren't even in consideration. Sure enough a couple of years and a few kids down the road the relationship is dead, theres no love or genuine connection there at all, there never was. And everyone involved suffers for it. Thats not love, that's an empty hollow existence. This is what the apostle paul wrote:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"

Not one mention about what someone does for work or where they live. Seriously I think so many of you have lost touch with what really matters.
OP focus on character, make sure you want to be with someone for them, not what you might get from them. If love is your highest aspiration then you'll be ok, when all is said and done you'll get what's really in your heart.