My marriage is over but I can't walk away

darlett · 13-12-2020 12:33AM

I'm trying to hold back on the harsh but true type of post myself, but what do you do?
You've said your wife pays for everything, but I dont want to make the leap to that you dont assist in some ways but so far I've not read it.
If you dont work, what else do you do? Or if you dont is there a reason why not? Not to be nasty but passengers are not sexy for long.

13-12-2020 12:34AM

cannotlogin wrote: »

I've found everyone of your post difficult to follow and there are heaps of contradictions.

I'm happily married....but we're miserable
It was a whirlwind romance....but there was no honeymoon period
My wife is a very calm person...but we argue
My wife pays for everything....but she's **** with money
I'm not even getting into the my wife is gay theory

I'm happily married....but we're miserable <--- Yes on the surface its a pretty good and happy relationship. But sex and intimacy or lack there of have made me pretty unhappy

It was a whirlwind romance....but there was no honeymoon period <--- Yeah it was a fairly intense beginning to our relationship but there has always been this problem simmering away in the background. I was intensely in love with my wife. It really felt like I was totally under her spell for the first year and half. Looking back though I was totally unhappy that whole period as intimacy was missing.

My wife is a very calm person...but we argue <--- Yes my wife is very very calm but as soon as I start asking her simple questions about sex, intimacy or our relationship she skillfully tries to turn the conversation into an argument. She gets very heated and worked up and tries to raise the tension level. It doesnt really work because I don't do arguments and I just keep bringing it back to straight talking.

My wife pays for everything....but she's **** with money <--- Yes she pays for the majority of household bills, mortgage, shopping. Not all of it but at the moment its the majority. Reason being is complicated. I am saving to pay off mortgage on her house and my house early next year. We'll be financially much better off doing it my way. If we did it her way, all the money I'm saving would be spent on random stuff. But anyway thats besides the point. Money isnt the problem in our relationship.

I'm not even getting into the my wife is gay theory <---- That's not my theory. You've misread or misinterpreted what I said.

13-12-2020 12:45AM

darlett wrote: »

I'm trying to hold back on the harsh but true type of post myself, but what do you do?
You've said your wife pays for everything, but I dont want to make the leap to that you dont assist in some ways but so far I've not read it.
If you dont work, what else do you do? Or if you dont is there a reason why not? Not to be nasty but passengers are not sexy for long.

I do work. I clarified partially in previous post how our finances work somewhat. My wife spends (on herself personally and household bills/mortgage/most food shops) and I save. That's just a rule of thumb. Its not 100% accurate.

I'm not leeching off my wife. I'm paying over EUR 100,000 into her mortgage early next year from my own personal savings and cashed out investments.

Like I said, money, cleaning and shared/unshared responsibilities are not the problem in our relationship and there is probably imbalance in most areas to some degree in every relationship :P

I can accept that a leechy partner is a big turn off. Every woman I was ever in a relationship before my wife was a complete leech. But even at that none of my other relationships ever ended or ran into problems because my partner at the time paid for nothing and I was paying for everything. A leechy partner is a pain in the arse and can cause arguments but rarely a failed relationship.

darlett · 13-12-2020 12:54AM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I do work. I clarified partially in previous post how our finances work somewhat. My wife spends (on herself personally and household bills/mortgage/most food shops) and I save. That's just a rule of thumb. Its not 100% accurate.

I'm not leeching off my wife. I'm paying over EUR 100,000 into her mortgage early next year from my own personal savings and cashed out investments.

Like I said, money, cleaning and shared/unshared responsibilities are not the problem in our relationship and there is probably imbalance in most areas to some degree in every relationship :P

I can accept that a leechy partner is a big turn off. Every woman I was ever in a relationship before my wife was a complete leech. But even at that none of my other relationships ever ended or ran into problems because my partner at the time paid for nothing and I was paying for everything. A leechy partner is a pain in the arse and can cause arguments but rarely a failed relationship.

Ah ok, well I missed that clarification. A lot of reading in some of them, I may have skimmed the longer ones when I was giving up on you! Glad I double checked, I reckon that a few of the tougher responders might be under the same impression that shes the only worker...as well as doing all the household chores and cooking. (Dismissing all that as downloading the app...well I think you know how well that went down!) But saying she pays for just about everything, while not mentioning you're contributing 100k to her mortgage is selling yourself short, and I'd say a good few apart from myself struggled to see past it.

13-12-2020 01:12AM

I'll try to concisely summarize my problem. I admit I'm quite verbose!

My wife is straight but she basically has no sex drive. It could be that she has no sex drive with me but I think the truth is that she has close to no sex drive in terms of men full stop.

My wife does love me and she would be devastated if I left her. I feel similarly. I would find it very hard to leave my wife. Almost impossible. We have a daughter also. I could never walk out on my daughter.

But I find it very hard to accept who I have discovered my wife is. She is basically the opposite of the person she portrayed herself to be for the first two years of our relationship. She lied and lied and lied to cover up the truth and she tried to turn the problems on me and make it out that I was the cause of our bad sex life. For the first year and a half I actually fell for her lies and she had me convinced that I was the cause of the problems. Once that bubble of lies and deception burst it was almost too late. We were too deeply entwined in each others lives to just pull the plug.

What I'd like to do is just somehow come to terms with who my wife is and accept it and get on with our lives. But it eats away at me and I struggle mentally to cope with the fact that my wife is essentially never going to be that loving intimate person that I want to be with.

I don't think she enjoys sex really. I think she see's it as a reproductive act or as something you have to do as a woman to make your partner happy. That gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. It feels so wrong for me.

I am where I am and I'm trying to figure out a way to make peace with my situation.

13-12-2020 01:18AM

darlett wrote: »

Ah ok, well I missed that clarification. A lot of reading in some of them, I may have skimmed the longer ones when I was giving up on you! Glad I double checked, I reckon that a few of the tougher responders might be under the same impression that shes the only worker...as well as doing all the household chores and cooking. (Dismissing all that as downloading the app...well I think you know how well that went down!) But saying she pays for just about everything, while not mentioning you're contributing 100k to her mortgage is selling yourself short, and I'd say a good few apart from myself struggled to see past it.

Well once I mention that I'm paying 100k to her mortgage, I knew that everyone will be like "What the hell are you paying 100k into her mortgage for if the marriage is nearly over?"

and then I have to explain all that :eek:

I also liked seeing people upset over a woman potentially taken advantage of financially by a man for a change :P Its rare enough I suppose so everyone is trying to get their head around it

qwerty13 · 13-12-2020 03:34AM

OP, I find your way of communicating really very hard to understand what you’re actually trying to say. It reads as though you’re either saying a lot, but communicating very little - or contradicting yourself.

If you communicate this way in print, where you’ve had a chance to think about what you want to say, do you think that you are similarly completely unclear in your communications with your wife? There’s a lot of words, but your later posts read contradictory to earlier ones. To be honest I’m at a complete loss to understand what is going on with your marriage. Do you think your wife might feel similarly?

Gruffalux · 13-12-2020 05:53AM

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Well once I mention that I'm paying 100k to her mortgage, I knew that everyone will be like "What the hell are you paying 100k into her mortgage for if the marriage is nearly over?" and then I have to explain all that :eek:

I also liked seeing people upset over a woman potentially taken advantage of financially by a man for a change :P Its rare enough I suppose so everyone is trying to get their head around it

This post is a bit odd but maybe lost in translation.

As it happens I can understand your side of things. I also think you have had a bit of rough treatment in the forum. Partly because you are not at all clear when you write which may be due to being screwed up in your head. But also partly because you are in a situation full of complexity and it is hard for you to convey it and hard for others to understand how the hell this happened.

I say I understand you a bit, and this is because I know someone like you. He and his wife were members of a religion that is strict re sex. This was convenient for her as essentially she is asexual. But I will tell you their story and you can see how that looks to you and if it gives you perspective

He met her and they had a whirlwind romance. More cerebrally romantic than sexual. She is very beautiful. Stunning. He was awed by her physical beauty and delighted to marry her.
She is a very house proud person. Kept the place spotless. One of those people forever cleaning, with no end to the energy she had for it. I used to feel like a slug, energy wise, compared to her constant frenzy. And cooking, baking, looking impeccable. Etc.
He was delighted with this. She would out whirlwind any attempts he made to be domestic and eventually he stopped trying to help. It seemed to make her very happy to be domestic.

He worked. Made a good living. But she had a role in her families business which made her wealthier and she took care of a lot of the bills. She worked fericiously hard. And is brilliant in her field. When she was not working she was whirling round the domestic sphere.
In many ways she is utterly exceptional.

She is also so sweet natured. Speaks with a gorgeous little girl voice. Is so feminine and graceful. He was so proud of her.
They had children. Dotes. She used to have sex when she wanted children. Over the years it became apparent that this was really the only time she wanted sex. Perhaps an occasional mercy fcuk now and then when he was at the absolute end of his tether.

As time went on and I got to know him he would spend hours lamenting the lack of sex in their apparently wonderful marriage.
He adored her. She was adorable. He became as utterly obsessed with sex as a person crawling through a desert would become with water.

It became terribly weird to spend time with him as he lost vision of anything else in life and could only speak of this wound that grew worse and worse as years went past. Sex. Sex. Sex. It was an endless lament. I think it was completely understandable - here he had this desirable treasure right before him, being a perfect home maker and wonderful mother, looking beautiful, being gentle, sweet, capable, intelligent, and she did not want to have anything to do with him sexually. It is the perfect torment, really.

In the end she left. When the children were in mid teens so the younger ones went with her and the older stayed with him. He was devastated. He has found sex in other relationships since but it has all been a bit manic as he is still hung up after the years of torment. He makes bad choices. I think she is just getting on with what she does - being a brilliant business woman. She is a lovely person in so many ways. I just always felt she could have been honest with him about her lack of interest in sex and not have screwed him up so badly about it all. An arrangement whereby he could have sex elsewhere would have been fairer.
Marriage is not just about having a family, a status and a beautiful domestic space - it is fundamentally a sexual relationship.

Contact a solicitor and make sure you have equal parental access to your baby daughter. Move on now before you are broken by this

Big Bag of Chips · 13-12-2020 07:34AM

Deleted User wrote: »

I also liked seeing people upset over a woman potentially taken advantage of financially by a man for a change :P Its rare enough I suppose so everyone is trying to get their head around it

OP, Personal Issues is an advice forum where posters come looking for advice and others reply giving advice. In order for relevant advice to be offered we depend on the OP being clear and honest in their posts.

I'm really not sure what you are actually looking for from this thread and you also seem to be deliberately misleading posters all for a bit of fun.

That is not the spirit of the forum where people come looking for help for very real problems in their lives. You don't seem to be actually looking for any advice. You are are dismissing everything everybody says while reiterating the same things over and over.

I'm not sure what benefit is to be gotten from letting the thread run, especially if you are not being truthful or not willing to take on board any advice.

Your options are
-try get your wife to attend marriage counselling with you
-try discuss separating, seeing other people but remaining living together
-accept your marriage is over and walk away, using your savings to set yourself up
-stay and carry on as you have been

There's no magic solution that posters can offer you. But you have to do something, or do nothing.

My marriage is over but I can't walk away

Comments