My marriage is over but I can't walk away

Hi All,

My marriage is over. In reality it never even got started. On saying that I'm happily married. I've been stupid and ignored warning sign after warning sign after warning sign from almost the very start of our relationship. There was never even that honey moon period that you usually experience in most relationships. Looking back it has always been horrible and frustrating. At this stage I have nothing to anchor hope on. I'm not sure what my wife is or who she is exactly. I would like to say with confidence that I think my wife is gay or that she doesn't love me but that wouldn't be true. I don't know what the truth is exactly. All I know is that my wife shows absolutely no interest in me or my life whatsoever. Nothing. Everything is all very very strange. Everything feels wrong but I find it hard to pin anything down exactly.

My wife is beautiful. My wife is very calm. My wife is a lovely honest person. She works hard and basically pays for everything. She basically gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. She washes my clothes and irons them. She cooks for me. She does all the cleaning. Not that I expect any of it. She just does it all because that's the sort of person she is. In many ways its the perfect relationship and she's the perfect wife. We had a daughter together after getting married and my wife is now the perfect mother.

But for all the 4 years that we have been together there has been some sort of problem around the topic of sex and intimacy of any nature. It has taken a large toll on me mentally since we started dating for various reasons. In many ways our relationship was a whirl wind romance and we got engaged after a year and then married two years after meeting each other. But a few months before the wedding we went on holidays. It was a total disaster. I came back in total shock. It dawned on me that my wife to be was not straight. I tried to talk to her about it but she swore black is white that she was straight and that I was paranoid and basically used every trick in the book to duck and dive the topic. I kept going. I tried to make things work. I tried to believe her. I tried to convince myself that I was just a panicking groom close to the wedding day. We went through with the wedding despite having many more crisis moments before the wedding related to my suspicions. Family members picked up on my problems and tried to help and advise me but I blanked them. I couldn't discuss my suspicions with anyone except my wife to be who just told me to cop on and I am paranoid and delusional.

After the wedding I thought it would all go away. We are married now. I thought getting past the wedding might wipe the stress and worry and doubts from my mind. It didnt. The honeymoon was so strange. So cold. After that we were back in crisis. Mentally I couldnt cope with the fact that I thought my wife wasnt straight. I couldnt cope with how cold she was and how there was no spark at all in our relatioship. I clutched at every straw to try make it work. I tried to work on me. Tried to fix myself. But deep down I knew the truth and every few weeks it would dawn on me how I was now myself ducking and diving reality. It just ate me up that my life was such a lie and that my marriage was essentially a failure. I knew it was over. We were in constant crisis. If I tried to talk to my wife about our problems she would lose the plot and threw me out of the house a few times before changing her mind at the last minute. I wanted to leave but I had nowhere to go. I had invested my life in making the relationship work. I felt trapped so I kept trying to fix it or ignore it. It was cycle. All this time, all these cycles of crisis, all these conversations I was having with my wife, she has always carried on as if everything is normal, as if everything is perfect in our marriage. She looks at me as if I have two heads when I point out to her that we basically have no sex life or that she shows not a single bit of interest in me. She basically either says what the hell are you talking about or skillfully tries to turn it into a row where she is the victim and I am the nastiest man she has ever had a relationship with.

My wife would say sometimes after a crisis moment that she would try make things change and that she would try be warmer with me but eventually I realized that was a cycle of bulls**t from her. Nothing changed generally. But on occasion it did change for a period of about two to three months. All of a sudden she was seducing me and we were having somewhat normal sex. Then I noticed it too had a pattern as she only did it on certain dates in the month. Yes I shouldnt have been so stupid but I was desperate to make things work. When I started having my suspicions that her intentions werent necessarily genuine after two months, she announced she was pregnant. In fairness I was somewhat happy. I had mixed emotions obviously. Happy that we were having a baby in one sense but still we were back to the cycle of crisis. Eventually I couldnt handle it anymore and I moved out while my wife was 3 months pregnant. I felt such relief mentally. I recovered over a few weeks. I came back to my old self. I knew it would be stupid to turn back now. I intended not to. But I felt responsibility for my daughter to be. I couldnt deal with the idea of my daughter growing up not having me around for her. I moved back in with my wife who carried on as if nothing had ever happened. Eventually we were of course back in crisis again and I was mentally crippled mentally but I kept going as best I could.

My wife had the baby and then you're so busy and excited for a few weeks that you think you can make it work because of the child but we couldnt. I ended up in the worst crisis moment about 6 weeks after my daughters birth. I just couldnt cope with anymore of my wifes coldness and her delusion. I looked for any solution I could before I moved out again so I reached out for counselling. I did a few sessions one to one. Eventually I told my wife that I felt so bad that I had started counselling. She lost the plot and told me to get out of the house again. She told me if I wasnt gone the next day then she'd throw my stuff out on the drive way. Mentally I was so beaten that I didnt even respond to her. I just kept watching whatever I was watching on Youtube. I had heard it all before I suppose. She tried her best to get a reaction from me but I just told her I had nothing more to say. After another few counselling sessions, I guess I was better able to explain some of all the sh*t that went on in the last 4 years or so and the counselor I guess saw the writing on the wall same as myself and although she tried to remain neutral in her advice and opinion, I guess I could see that she was herself getting frustrated at what she was hearing and encouraged me to take the action that I knew myself had to be taken. My wife kicking me out again probably made it easy for me this time. I knew I just had to move out. But when the time came to it I couldnt. I could not walk out on my daughter and as the weeks and months go by I realize more and more that I can never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with my daughter. Its an impossibility for me.

I tried again to change things up and get things right between myself and my wife but again weeks and weeks of absolute coldness and the realization that I continue to live a lie has taken its toll on me. I considered going back to counselling but I'm not sure I want to. No one can solve this problem for me, except myself and I just can't solve it. I can't make my wife someone she is not and its not fair on her to try make her feel bad about who she is. Maybe sometimes I find relief and normality and happiness but I know that it will only ever be brief before I land back in reality and see my situation and I just turn into a broken person over the course of a few days. My wife sees it. She just claims that I am sulking like a child. I try telling her I'm not sulking, I'm just totally mentally broken from living with her coldness. Nothing ever changes. My wife has absolutely no intention of changing a single thing. I'm hoping that some day I can accept my situation somehow and in one sense my daughter brings me such joy every time I see her even at just a few months old. I'd like to think there is some solution to my life that I am missing but I doubt there is.

qwerty13

“She works hard and basically pays for everything. She basically gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. She washes my clothes and irons them. She cooks for me. She does all the cleaning. Not that I expect any of it. She just does it all because that's the sort of person she is. In many ways its the perfect relationship and she's the perfect wife.”

She’s not the only one who is deluded. So you have totally disengaged from contributing to the day to day practicalities of your lives, and she has disengaged from sex. Do you think the two might somehow be related?

The fact that you describe the above as being in many ways the perfect relationship is deeply disturbing to me. Even in the bad old days for women, I don’t think they were expected to have a husband who didn’t lift a finger at home AND pay for everything.

What are you bringing to this relationship?

bitofabind

Hi OP. Sorry for what you’re going through.

Are you able to define the core problem here? You talk about your wife being cold and you being in crisis. Is that because of a lack of intimacy? Are there other needs of yours that she’s unable to meet? Can you define what that coldness is? Why do you think she’s gay? Is this a feeling or is it evidence based? If we assume that the worst that could happen if you left is that you’d lose access to your daughter, how can you forward plan to fight hard against that? There’s a whole legal system in place for this and while it’s a huge challenge, people leave marriages and work this stuff out every day.

A lot of your language is quite vague and repetitive, and while that’s understandable as you are emotional, it’d be helpful to be able to speak plainly about the problems here so that you can get some clarity around what’s missing, what “strange” means and what a healthy marriage would look like for the both of you.

The chan chan man

Having read this entire thing, and you may have left crucial bits out, what i gather is:

1. You do or contribute very little
2. She does everything
3. You want sex
4. She doesn’t, probably because you do nothing and she does everything.
5. Because she doesn’t want sex with you, she therefore must be a lesbian..

Is that about the bones of it?

Idle Passerby

I'm going to echo the previous posters. You've talked a lot but said very little.

A perfect relationship doesn't place all the burdens on one person. Do you think your wife sees bearing all the responsibility as perfect?

You haven't explained why you think your wife is gay. All that is clear from your list is that she's disinterested in sex which to be fair, is understandable if it's true that you do nothing around the house and she pays for everything. What are you contributing to the relationship?

She has repeatedly kicked you out. Whose idea is it for you to return? Does she want you there at all?

ztoical

As others have said OP you've written a lot yet said very little. If your wife has issues with intimacy or showing affection it does not mean she must be gay. This forum is littered with relationships were one couple showed little interest in sex, doesn't mean its all gay people living a lie. People can have no interest in intimacy, be bad at showing affection and be straight.

"She works hard and basically pays for everything. She basically gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. She washes my clothes and irons them. She cooks for me. She does all the cleaning. Not that I expect any of it. She just does it all because that's the sort of person she is. In many ways its the perfect relationship and she's the perfect wife."

Thats not perfect OP, it sounds down right depressing. No wonder she views you as a sulky child if she's doing everything and you are calling her perfect one moment and cold lesbian in the next. The relationship is not healthy for anyone and certainly not good long term for your child. You need to separate and come to a co-parenting arrangement.

john jameson

ztoical wrote: »

As others have said OP you've written a lot yet said very little. If your wife has issues with intimacy or showing affection it does not mean she must be gay. This forum is littered with relationships were one couple showed little interest in sex, doesn't mean its all gay people living a lie. People can have no interest in intimacy, be bad at showing affection and be straight.
Think that's sums it up pretty well!!

"She works hard and basically pays for everything. She basically gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. She washes my clothes and irons them. She cooks for me. She does all the cleaning. Not that I expect any of it. She just does it all because that's the sort of person she is. In many ways its the perfect relationship and she's the perfect wife."

Thats not perfect OP, it sounds down right depressing. No wonder she views you as a sulky child if she's doing everything and you are calling her perfect one moment and cold lesbian in the next. The relationship is not healthy for anyone and certainly not good long term for your child. You need to separate and come to a co-parenting arrangement.

Think that sums it up pretty well!!

AndrewJRenko

She doesn't get to kick you out, regardless of who paid for the house.

Xterminator

OP.

your relationship sounds like many relationships (bad ones). Very little intimacy, but you have very settled and stereotypical roles. you are the breadwinner, she is the homemaker/wife. this is not in itself terrible per se, but it is bad if you want/need intimacy and cannot get it. you are entitled to be happy.

you were not happy with the relationship before marriage. you had unrealistic ideas that things would magically change if you married and went ahead with it. Despite describing the marriage as 'in crisis' Then you had unprotected sex on occasion with your wife, at times when she chose, and the baby fairy visited you. Who could have foreseen that eh? You should have foreseen it! Then you had both an unhappy marriage and a new baby. Now i suspect you wife had everything she was looking for. Home and baby. the relationship met these needs. but it has never met your needs.

But to be honest she is the one who has been consistent throughout your relationship, and you have been living in cuckooland thinking it would change. she has been cold and uninterested in your needs, but she has been consistent in this. I am going to say this, there is fault on both sides here. you should never have married her. you should never have had unprotected sex with her if you marriage was in crisis from the honeymoon on.

The child in the middle has been brought into the world and deserves to be isolated from any fall out if you chose to dissolve the marriage. I think you need an exit plan that protects your child before pulling that particular trigger.

I wish you long in the future, and i recommend you both protect yourself and you child by getting good legal advice before doing anything.

qwerty13

I don’t think the OP is the breadwinner - he says that his wife basically pays for everything, and that he can do whatever he wants. So that throws a bit of a different light on it than stereotypical roles (which, if there’s a fair division, work for some people.).

It’s a completely head scratching relationship. I don’t understand how either party even suggested getting married.

Idle Passerby

Xterminator wrote: »

you are the breadwinner, she is the homemaker/wife. this is not in itself terrible per se, but it is bad if you want/need intimacy and cannot get it. you are entitled to be happy.
Now i suspect you wife had everything she was looking for. Home and baby.

I think your reading a different post. OP said his wife works hard and pays for everything. I read it that she's the breadwinner and does all the housework and childcare while he sits back and has everything done for him. That kind of imbalance would breed resentment very fast. Its no wonder she isn't attracted to him if that's the case. Maybe OP could clarify if he's misrepresented himself.

osarusan

I think all the stuff about her paying the bills and doing everything around the house is irrelevant tbh.

Since the relationship began, there have been issues with sex. The OP's wife doesn't seem to be particularly attracted to him, or maybe just isn't interested in sex full stop. This was the problem before marriage and living together.

Maybe the OP thought marriage would (somehow) fix all that, but it obviously hasn't.

There's nothing wrong or selfish about wanting to feel wanted, desired, but I don't think your wife will ever feel like that, and it sounds like the relationship will continue to deteriorate as a result.

Airyfairy12

Sorry about what youre going through.
Im going to be honest and this might come across a bit harsh but its not meant that way.

You refer to her as the 'perfect wife' because she does all the cleaning, washing, ironing & pays for everything. It sounds like she is only perfect because she does everything for you. It also sounds like you only value her based on what she can do for you. What is she getting out of this marriage? What do you offer to her? Would you love her and want to satisfy her sexually while you work hard, clean the house, cook all her meals, wash and iron her clothes & pay for everything for her? She sounds like a servant, not a wife. When she married you she no doubt assumed she was taking on an equal partner, not a man child that needs to have everything done for him and then complains that he wants more from her. Respect is give and take, it goes both ways. You cant treat someone like a doormat or like a mother and then expect them to desire you. That would cause resentment in any relationship.

Secondly do you have idea of what a womans body goes through during and after a pregnancy and giving birth? You dont just spring back after 6 weeks & you said she does all the childcare with night feeds and the baby taking up all her time, sex and pleasing you doesnt come into it. Did you ask her how she was feeling without making it all about you? Is she able to go to counselling?

What are you bringing to this relationship?

Ill be completely honest, you sound narcissistic and a complete nightmare to live with.

lawred2

Xterminator wrote: »

OP.

your relationship sounds like many relationships (bad ones). Very little intimacy, but you have very settled and stereotypical roles. you are the breadwinner, she is the homemaker/wife. this is not in itself terrible per se, but it is bad if you want/need intimacy and cannot get it. you are entitled to be happy.

you were not happy with the relationship before marriage. you had unrealistic ideas that things would magically change if you married and went ahead with it. Despite describing the marriage as 'in crisis' Then you had unprotected sex on occasion with your wife, at times when she chose, and the baby fairy visited you. Who could have foreseen that eh? You should have foreseen it! Then you had both an unhappy marriage and a new baby. Now i suspect you wife had everything she was looking for. Home and baby. the relationship met these needs. but it has never met your needs.

But to be honest she is the one who has been consistent throughout your relationship, and you have been living in cuckooland thinking it would change. she has been cold and uninterested in your needs, but she has been consistent in this. I am going to say this, there is fault on both sides here. you should never have married her. you should never have had unprotected sex with her if you marriage was in crisis from the honeymoon on.

The child in the middle has been brought into the world and deserves to be isolated from any fall out if you chose to dissolve the marriage. I think you need an exit plan that protects your child before pulling that particular trigger.

I wish you long in the future, and i recommend you both protect yourself and you child by getting good legal advice before doing anything.

Where did you get the breadwinner bit? Sounds like a moaning freeloader

qwerty13

osarusan wrote: »

I think all the stuff about her paying the bills and doing everything around the house is irrelevant tbh.

Since the relationship began, there have been issues with sex. The OP's wife doesn't seem to be particularly attracted to him, or maybe just isn't interested in sex full stop. This was the problem before marriage and living together.

Maybe the OP thought marriage would (somehow) fix all that, but it obviously hasn't.

There's nothing wrong or selfish about wanting to feel wanted, desired, but I don't think your wife will ever feel like that, and it sounds like the relationship will continue to deteriorate as a result.

I strongly disagree that his wife paying for everything and doing all of the housework is irrelevant. If their roles were split in terms of breadwinner and homemaker, then maybe. But it just sounds as though the OP contributes nothing: no money, no duties, no responsibility. What woman - or man - wants to end up with an adult child? That’s not a partnership, it’s a surrogate mammy. And that’s deeply unattractive.

However, I did wonder if there is a chicken and egg scenario: which came first, the OP’s ignoring of all adult responsibilities, or his wife’s lack of attraction to him. I just could not be sexually interested in a ‘partner’ who behaved like an overgrown child - but I wouldn’t have gone out with someone like that, let alone married them. And if the OP felt that his wife had no interest in him even before she discovered the man-child behaviour, why did she marry him?

shesty

I am fairly lost.

Honestly I don't think the child is the cause of anything, because the problems were obviously there before the baby was.
What IS the problem? She is cold and/or possibly gay? I don't understand what reasons you have to think either of these things - as others have said there is a lot of repetitive language but nothing very concrete by way of examples of her behaviour.
Could you be a bit clearer OP?

osarusan

qwerty13 wrote: »

I strongly disagree that his wife paying for everything and doing all of the housework is irrelevant. If their roles were split in terms of breadwinner and homemaker, then maybe. But it just sounds as though the OP contributes nothing: no money, no duties, no responsibility. What woman - or man - wants to end up with an adult child? That’s not a partnership, it’s a surrogate mammy. And that’s deeply unattractive.

According to the OP, there have been problems and a lack of intimacy since the very start of the relationship, to the point that a holiday before their wedding ended with him wondering if his wife might not even be straight.


No argument from me that there's a complete imbalance of work, contribution and responsibility, and that such an imbalance would piss anybody off, but his wife's lack of attraction to him predates all that.

Absolutely baffling why either of them wanted to marry the other. The best thing that can happen now is an orderly ending of the relationship so that they can put themselves in the best positions to parent their child.

Airyfairy12

osarusan wrote: »

According to the OP, there have been problems and a lack of intimacy since the very start of the relationship, to the point that a holiday before their wedding ended with him wondering if his wife might not even be straight.


No argument from me that there's a complete imbalance of work, contribution and responsibility, and that such an imbalance would piss anybody off, but his wife's lack of attraction to him predates all that.

Absolutely baffling why either of them wanted to marry the other. The best thing that can happen now is an orderly ending of the relationship so that they can put themselves in the best positions to parent their child.

This.
Youse arent compatible at all, id wonder did you marry each other because it's the thing to do, maybe you both wanted the nuclear family and hadnt met anyone so settled for one another?
Either way youre both miserable, why drag this out any longer?

Ok thanks for the comments. I'm thick skinned so I'll roll with the hits and the damning character assassination

Let me clarify my problem firstly. I'm in a marriage that is currently hard to end. I'm in deep in a lot of ways but mainly because of our baby I have felt compelled to do everything in my power to make it work. The marriage should be ended because of this huge elephant in the room. I've probably mentioned sex but it goes much further than that. I'll try give some examples but I can't spell out everything that has happened over the months and years we have been together. All the fundamentals of a loving relationship are non existent. They differ from person to person and from couple to couple of course but for me they are simple things like an exciting sex life, being able to have a laugh together, having a basic interest in your partners life, being able to go for a drink in a pub together, being able to talk for long periods of time about random **** and just basic **** like being able to go for a coffee together or go for a walk together with the dogs. These fundamentals never existed in our relationship and I don't think my wife is capable of them with me. These things are important to me and the fact that they are missing from my life is taking a huge toll on my mental health. I just feel like **** most of the time. Not all of the time but most of the time. For some periods I am able to get my **** together and I feel perfectly fine and I can almost feel happy in our relationship but eventually the reality of how **** my marriage is snowballs and I end up back in a really dark place, almost paralyzed mentally. I spend a period trying to act normal despite how **** I feel. Trying to get on with life, trying to suppress or shift my demons and get myself back into a more positive mental place.

In another sense, which I was trying to convey (not that well obviously), our married and family life is as good as I could probably imagine. My wife and I fit fairly well as a couple in a lot of ways. We're quiet different but we probably complement each other. I mentioned that she pays for everything and a few people interpreted that as I'm a scrounger. Well that's not the case. Its just the way our relationship works. She's **** with money. I'm good with money. She spends and I save. It just works for us. I don't just save for myself either before you start jumping down my neck and even if I did it for myself it would be false economy because we are married so she has entitlements to my property and money. Its just an agreement we came to before we got married. I'd pay for the wedding and pay for a large extension on her house and then after that I'd save my earning while she paid for the mortgage on her house and utility bills and most of the groceries for a year or two. I only mentioned it in my original post as my point was that she isn't a freeloader living off me and she didn't marry me for my money. She has her own house and her own job and money.

As for the house cleaning. Well by "she does all the cleaning" really means that she turns on the cleaning robot which she controls with an app on her phone. I prostrate before you and confess my laziness for not bothering to take equal responsibility for downloading the app on my own phone and turning it on sometimes

Clothes washing and ironing. Yes I'm absolutely guilty in that department. My wife does it all. I used to do my own washing/ironing once a week before I moved in with her. But after I moved in she does all that. Why? Well because she is one of these weirdo people who likes turning on the washing machine and dryer twice a day every day and she likes ironing and she kept remarking that I do a **** job of my own clothes when I do it myself. I don't understand that compulsion but that's what she likes so I don't pass any remarks.

And no, the one sided nature of the cleaning robot and clothes washing does not have an impact on our relationship or sex life in a negative sense. She doesn't hold any grudges over any of it. That's just the way our relationship developed.

I didn't mean that this scenario where my wife controls cleaning and laundry is the perfect relationship for me. Its not. I meant that for a lot of men this scenario of their wife looking after them would be perfect for them. I like to do my own washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning. I did it myself since I was probably young as I am just an independent type of person. It probably irritates me that my wife is a domestic goddess. I want a lover not a perfect house wife! I obviously don't rub it in her face or say that to her. I just leave her to it as that is what she likes to do.

I'll give one example of how my wife is cold. We go to bed. We get into bed. She says goodnight and rolls over and falls asleep. And that's it. Every night. She'll do that every night indefinitely. There will be no hugs, kisses, cuddles or heaven forbid sex if it was left up to her. And the next morning she will wake up, get out of bed and go about her daily business or possibly she will have a lie in and then get up. There will be no lovers embrace or sex or conversation or joking about or kissing. It will be all matter of fact, pleasant, pedestrian and predictable. It took a long time into our relationship before we even got to the stage where we were sleeping together regularly as well. There is nothing wrong in my wifes behaviour but for me it is so so cold.

So right I just have to initiate things and that will solve the problem. Nope. To try seduce her or whatever is a waste of time. Its like kissing a snowman in the bed beside you. She just gives off this vibe of disinterest and coldness if I start kissing or giving her a back rub or really anything that I might try. And if I am horny and she senses it then that has no effect on her either. She couldnt care less. If she is awake she will most likely just fall asleep when I try seduce her or if she is asleep then she will stay asleep. There will generally be nothing.

We do have sex but its rare enough. Generally my feeling is that most if not all of the time she has sex with me, its because she feels she has to just to try keep me happy or because our relationship is in severe crisis. The only period where I felt she initiated sex and seemed to really enjoy it was the period when she was trying to get pregnant and during one of our later crisis talks she admitted to me that she only had sex with me during that period to get pregnant so my suspicion was confirmed.

I have always known what I wanted in a woman sexually when I was starting out in any relationship. I like a woman who is very sexual and very demanding and very confident when it comes to the topic of sex. I have always been very careful to avoid women who didnt tick those boxes. So how did I end up with someone who has no interest in me sexually? Well all I can say is that from day one there was problems in our relationship sexually but my wife skillfully turned it on me that I was the problem and she lied through her teeth about sex. She would claim that she was horny all the time and would make a big deal about sex being so important to her and she wanted to try all this adverturous sex. When I began to figure out the truth about who she was or who she wasnt she just lied more and turned the fault on me more. And obviously yes it would get so bad in our relationship that at certain points I would say "Right well we just have to admit that we are not sexually compatible and end the relationship" and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere my wife would spring to life and we'd be have amazing sex. And I'd be left thinking brilliant we have turned a corner, I was wrong, we are sexually compatible. But almost immediately after that, the troubles with sex would become the recurring theme again and she'd be lying through her teeth or making excuses or turning me into the problem again. But in fairness it was only ever a problem. And problems could be solved and she kept saying that she was determined to solve the problems. But when we went on holidays a few weeks before the wedding date, that was when the problem turned into a monster. On that holiday, my wife ran out of excuses. She couldnt lie anymore. It was laid out plain in front of us and she knew it. I was in total shock when we arrived home as everything made sense clearly. I saw all the lies. I saw the truth. It was clear that there was nothing wrong with me and she couldnt say anything to blame me anymore. And I also knew that this was a game changer moment for me. I could not solve a problem that could not possibly be solved. The engagement was over. We could not get married. But there was a problem. I had just moved into my wifes house permanently a few weeks before and I had rented out my own house to another family who were almost about to end up living on the street only that my house became available. I also had pumped nearly all my savings into paying for the impending wedding and into the extension on my wifes house. So if I wanted to move back into my house then I'd totaly screw up another families life after they had just found accomodation and it was close to Christmas and they probably would have refused to move out anyway for a few months unless I had them evicted. I also had two dogs so I would not be able to rent accomodation and bring them with me as no one will allow dogs. So I would most likely end up having to end up giving my dogs away if I moved out and screw up their lives which I couldnt do either. So I felt totally trapped. I couldnt talk to anyone as the topic was so sensitive. So I once again had to try fix the relationship and really ever since then its been in that sort of space where I felt trapped and my options were limited. My only real option at the time was that I give up my job and move hundreds of kilometres back to my parents house with my dogs and that prospect sucked big time. I gambled big and I lost. I'm not blaming anyone else. It was my own fault for ignoring all the warning signs along the way. And I guess the reason I ignored all the warning signs for so long was because in the past I have always acted on the warning signs almost immediately and its meant that I have gone through numerous relationships one after the other for over ten years and I felt that I had to eventually stop acting so immediately and give relationships more of a chance.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't have a cleaning robot, so you'll excuse my ignorance. Does it clean the kitchen? Worktops? Clean up after cooking? Load and unload the dishwasher/wash up? Does it clean bathrooms? Toilets, sinks, bath, shower? Does it change beds? Does it clean windows? Tidy away coats and shoes? Put away shopping? Clear out food presses? Pair socks? Fold washing? Organise wardrobes and drawers?

Or is it just a fancy vacuum cleaner?

All that other stuff needs to be done as well as tapping the button on an app. In fairness, if you don't realise all that is involved in keeping a house tidy then I don't blame her for having an automatic vacuum. She needs help from somewhere!

I'm sorry OP, but you have posted very lengthy messages with very little content. You and your wife are incompatible. Always have been. You both made a huge mistake in getting married to each other. You're heavy on excuses (even bringing a potentially homeless family into the reasons why you had to get married!)

I'm not saying it's easy to call off a wedding. And hindsight is a comfortable place to be watching from. But you are in a relationship that is never going to work. You "break up" and walkout/leave every so often. You now have a small baby to consider. Whilst she grows up are you still going to leave and come back every so often? You and your wife will damage your daughter's perception of relationships if you continue as you are. Would you like your daughter to look at her parents' example of marriage and carry that into her own future relationship? Would you like her to settle into a relationship she's not happy with, just because she has learnt that settling is what people do?

Couples separate all the time, for various reasons. And their children often end up happier and better adjusted than if their parents had miserably continued in a miserable marriage. Work through all your excuses and reasons for not leaving and hopefully you will come to the realisation that you have only one choice.

You have a house. You can give your tenants notice and move back to your own house and have space to bring your child as often as us practicable. You'll have to do your own housework though

You made a huge mistake in continuing this relationship. You can continue the mistake or you can get yourself together and take the difficult steps to make the right decision.

Your wife will be OK. Your daughter will be OK. And you will ultimately be happier.

Tig98

So you married Bree Van de Kamp, what next?

To be fair, if you try do a day of housework its very time consuming. Dinners, dishes, clothes, bins, floors, it all adds up and it's a lot to juggle. And that's without the child. Maybe if you try spend more time with her and help her doing those jobs ot will help foster some degree of closeness, as she will see that you are trying in her language, rather than your own.

Pkiernan

Lot of hate for the OP by the usual crew.

OP...you need to leave this relationship. And you can if you try.

atilladehun

Whatever about the detail leading to the break up its the leaving that's your issue.

You think you're staying because you don't want to abandon your child. Ask any child of a relationship that slowly broke up where a parent didn't leave but did eventually. It's a hundred times better when the parents have their own lives. No child wants to grow up in a house of rows and ignoring. You won't be a positive role model to your child in the house. You'll be a happy person who can spend quality time with your child when you leave.

If the relationship is over and you have the means to move on then move on. You'll go from 0 people happy to 3 people happy.

one world order

Hard for any woman to respect or find attractive a man child. She could have done so much better. All the issues I see is with the OP. If he did his bit in the family home and had a better attitude then his wife would find him attractive again. At the moment he comes across as a bit of a lazy slob that expects his wife to more of a slave than an equal partner.

strandroad

First she was a lesbian, now she is a consummate liar who tricked you into marriage. She takes care of all your bills utilities and groceries, and that's called being bad with money. How convenient that at least she loves cooking, laundry and cleaning after you.

Counselling is often recommended here but it's not likely to help you when a) you are incompatible b) you blame her for the failure of your relationship c) you're doing next to nothing in the house.

Your own house is a huge advantage, you will find it easy to have your daughter. You should just make the jump and regain some responsibility for your life also; you got yourself into a place where it's all her fault and her responsibility, you're just coasting along. Be your own person again, and a good father to your daughter.

headtheball14

It sounds from the updated posts that most of the issues arise only after op moved in with his partner. Before that a whirlwind Romance

in fairness there’s a lot of people who just don’t *do* intimacy or there could be emotional or physical reasons why, have you really ever discussed it with your wife with a view towards finding out her POV not your own? There’s a lot of reasons why someone isn’t intimate with you, assuming it’s because they’re gay is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s being a bit cold towards you OP, I mean if anyone spent as long as you have thinking she was gay despite asserting every way under the sun she’s not I don’t think that person would be high on the list of people she’d like to hug or have sex with.

The whole post honestly just screams of “ME, ME, ME”. You’ve clearly no idea why your wife is like this (and seem unable to accept this could just be who she is) but rather focus on how you don’t like it.

My advice, either discuss it with your wife in a fashion where she’s the main topic of discussion, put aside your own feelings for a while. Focus on her and why she feels and acts the way she does, maybe you’ll get no where, but don’t make it all about you whatever you do. Try again another time if nothing happens. Make it very clear, matter of fact and most importantly not judgemental. Be clear you’re not trying to cause a rift just voice your concerns and find out if it’s something she’s feeling.

I genuinely wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out she’s just really angry you won’t let go of the fact she’s not gay. A grown woman can tell for themselves if they are gay, bisexual or whatever else, it’s incredibly rude and condescending to just keeping accusing her of that because she won’t have sex when you want it. You’re spending too much time focusing on the problem but seeking the wrong solutions. You’ve admitted the problem lies mostly with her, but it’s you that seeks to better yourself by counselling or whatever else, where I think your greatest chance of success is

1 speak to your wife about how she’s feeling
2 stop accusing her of being gay.

bitofabind

The subtext of all of these posts OP is that you seem to feel your wife hoodwinked you into this marriage. Like there was a gun to your head and you had no choice but to marry her. There's no personal responsibility to be had here at all for the fact that you:

- Knew from day one there was sexual incompatibility
- Knew exactly what are as you would describe relationship "fundamentals" i.e laughing together, physical intimacy, sexual openness and didn't have any of these with your partner and still chose to marry her
- Stayed in this relationship because of pride i.e previous ones were fleeting and didn't work out, this one better work
- Took a leap in proposing, moving in, investing in her home and marrying her despite all of these red flags
- Had unprotected sex and got her pregnant despite knowing all these things

Listen OP, none of these things are unusual. Relationships require taking leaps, usually big, life-changing risks and if getting things wrong and ignoring glaring warning signs wasn't so inherently human, forums like this wouldn't exist and everyone would have one life partner and live Happily Ever After. The End.

The fact is you're in a marriage that doesn't work and you are miserable. But you're not miserable because your wife has suddenly turned into a Cold Ice Queen, you're miserable because you've not been prepared to look the reality of this relationship in the face since it began and things have escalated to a point where you're now married with a family. Continue to bury your head in the sand and you're facing another 30 - 40 years of making each other absolutely miserable and the greatest casualty will be your daughter, who will grow up to think loveless relationships are normal. Would you want this kind of marriage for her? Because she will seek toxic situations like this for herself as a woman, if you don't show her something different now. This is bad parenting.

What are your priorities right now? To not upset the status quo while you grow more and more resentful towards your wife? To feel sorry for yourself for your bad marriage and blame Cold Ice Queen indefinitely while absolutely nothing changes? Or to deal with some disruption and chaos now so that you can have a happy, peaceful life and be a good dad and find the loving relationship you would like to have?

Big Bag of Chips

Pkiernan, if you have an issue with any posts or particular posters please report them for the moderators attention.
Thanks

karlitob

On reading your post, I knew it wouldn’t take long for you to be blamed for what you feel. You’ve unfortunately stumbled into a forum where everyone is perfect, takes 100% responsibility for everything they did, and had 20:20 foresight into all decisions that they made about their life.

I’d recommend reading the below article. Good to see someone understand that men actually have feelings and emotions and can be hurt when they don’t receive any affection. It’s manifests through sex for men but it’s affection that’s sought - a normal need for every human being.

I also would say that ‘fixing’ is an outcome that I don’t think can be achieved by either party. In fact, I’m not sure there’s anything can be fixed. More counselling is always worth it - it just depends on what the end point is. What do you both want. Or perhaps, what do you both not want.

I also wouldn’t leave my daughter - at all, no matter what. Ever. I wouldn’t leave my home either. You’ve done nothing wrong. Either of you.

If it were me, I would hope that me and spouse would come to an agreement that we would both stay in the house, share costs and responsibilities and both parent that child. It’s both your home and both your child. There’s nothing to say that you can’t have a healthy friendship and a positive loving environment for your child.

The kicker is that you aren’t husband and wife. But you’re already not so perhaps better to call it out now and live with it as best as you both can.

As for sex - you either agree to be able to see people outside the home, discreetly or give up on it until your child is raised and you can both move on.

No easy answers for you. Best of luck.

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/my-husband-is-upset-because-i-didn-t-initiate-our-sex-schedule-1.4368360?mode=amp

karlitob

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Sorry about what youre going through.
Im going to be honest and this might come across a bit harsh but its not meant that way.

You refer to her as the 'perfect wife' because she does all the cleaning, washing, ironing & pays for everything. It sounds like she is only perfect because she does everything for you. It also sounds like you only value her based on what she can do for you. What is she getting out of this marriage? What do you offer to her? Would you love her and want to satisfy her sexually while you work hard, clean the house, cook all her meals, wash and iron her clothes & pay for everything for her? She sounds like a servant, not a wife. When she married you she no doubt assumed she was taking on an equal partner, not a man child that needs to have everything done for him and then complains that he wants more from her. Respect is give and take, it goes both ways. You cant treat someone like a doormat or like a mother and then expect them to desire you. That would cause resentment in any relationship.

Secondly do you have idea of what a womans body goes through during and after a pregnancy and giving birth? You dont just spring back after 6 weeks & you said she does all the childcare with night feeds and the baby taking up all her time, sex and pleasing you doesnt come into it. Did you ask her how she was feeling without making it all about you? Is she able to go to counselling?

What are you bringing to this relationship?

Ill be completely honest, you sound narcissistic and a complete nightmare to live with.

OP - You’re not a narcissist and you’re not a complete nightmare to live with. You’re a person with feelings and emotions who is struggling with the situation that you’re in.

Just as much as this poster is not a psychiatrist or a clinical physiologist.

Your feelings and emotions - however they may be caused by your actions (either in full or in part) - do not need to be medicalised, nor dismissed as a mental health problem.

People who have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are people too, who need clinical support by trained experts. Those people have friends and family who want them to get the help they need because they love them. So even if you do have this clinically diagnosed psychiatric disorder - it doesn’t mean that you be thrown on the junk heap and labelled as a nightmare.

karlitob

[Deleted User] wrote: »

A grown woman can tell for themselves if they are gay, bisexual or whatever else.

Yeah, cos no one who is ‘gay, bisexual or whatever else’ has ever had difficulty coming to terms with the fact they are ‘whatever else’.

What the difference is between a ‘grown Woman’ and a ‘woman’ I don’t know.

You make it sound as if ‘grown’ women would never have difficulty coming to terms with acknowledging their homosexuality.

karlitob

qwerty13 wrote: »

I strongly disagree that his wife paying for everything and doing all of the housework is irrelevant. If their roles were split in terms of breadwinner and homemaker, then maybe. But it just sounds as though the OP contributes nothing: no money, no duties, no responsibility. What woman - or man - wants to end up with an adult child? That’s not a partnership, it’s a surrogate mammy. And that’s deeply unattractive.

However, I did wonder if there is a chicken and egg scenario: which came first, the OP’s ignoring of all adult responsibilities, or his wife’s lack of attraction to him. I just could not be sexually interested in a ‘partner’ who behaved like an overgrown child - but I wouldn’t have gone out with someone like that, let alone married them. And if the OP felt that his wife had no interest in him even before she discovered the man-child behaviour, why did she marry him?

Man-child behaviour; surrogate Mammy

Typical gendered language to undermine this persons feeling - a mans feeling.

Sure who else but a woman made this ‘man-child’. I’ve yet to come across a father who ‘Molly coddles’ his child. By your logic, his mother - and mothers like her - have a lot to answer for.

karlitob

karlitob wrote: »

Yeah, cos no one who is ‘gay, bisexual or whatever else’ has ever had difficulty coming to terms with the fact they are ‘whatever else’.

What the difference is between a ‘grown Woman’ and a ‘woman’ I don’t know.

You make it sound as if ‘grown’ women would never have difficulty coming to terms with acknowledging their homosexuality.

If she’s spent this long denying it, even if she just can’t accept it, the fact is constant accusations about her being gay is not an appropriate thing to do & I wouldn’t blame her for being hurt or upset by it.

karlitob

[Deleted User] wrote: »

If she’s spent this long denying it, even if she just can’t accept it

I don’t disagree - but that’s not what you said.

So is it your view that a ‘grown woman’ ‘can tell
’ that they’re gay, or that a ‘grown woman’ ‘just can’t accept it’.

It’s seem like you’ve contradicted yourself.

qwerty13

Actually I do think that probably his mother - and mothers like her - have a hell of a lot to answer for. Raising a male child to happily have his partner wait on him like a servant is not a good thing.

I’m not doubting that he is not feeling good about where he is in his life, but what I very much doubt is that is all his wife’s fault. The wife who is cr*p with money, but manages to run a household. The wife who does everything for him, but he hilariously thinks that an automated hoover magically does all of the housework.

I’m not saying that his wife is perfect, but my god I can see how having a partner who behaves like that would be completely unattractive. And then he badgers her about being gay, because she doesn’t want to have sex with him. Maybe they were sexually incompatible from the start, but his attitude towards running a home is rotten, and I can see how it would easily breed resentment.

There is so much wrong in this relationship. I think both parties were wrong to move beyond about 3 dates. But for him to blame it all on the ‘cold bad woman who somehow made her marry him’ is incredibly immature behaviour. He’s utterly absolving himself from his spoilt child carry on in the home. And when he doesn’t like it, he temporarily moves out, as far as I can see to ‘teach his wife a lesson’. I think even while his wife was pregnant and also while his daughter was very young. A man-child.

mloc123

OP reminds me of my brother in law, a layabout that lets his wife handle everything and then throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way.

Cannot imagine how any woman wouldn't be sexually attracted to somebody like this...

Big Bag of Chips

karlitob wrote: »

On reading your post, I knew it wouldn’t take long for you to be blamed for what you feel. You’ve unfortunately stumbled into a forum where everyone is perfect, takes 100% responsibility for everything they did, and had 20:20 foresight into all decisions that they made about their life.

Ok, this appears be to an attitude that is creeping in to the forum that stops now.

People posting on a public forum looking for advice and opinion can expect to hear things that mightn't be sugar coated. They can also expect to hear things that aren't relevant to them. It is up to each individual poster to take what they need.

Posters need to be able to make their own point without belittling the opinion or advice of others. It is possible to disagree with something somebody said without resorting to petty jibes and insults. That also includes petty name calling of the OP.

Mature, constructive, civil advice to the OP or don't post.

Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

karlitob, welcome to Personal Issues. Please have a read of The Forum Charter before posting again.

Princess Calla

I'm lost as to how you have come to the conclusion that your wife is gay, I really am.

However leaving all that aside, if my partner left me when I was 3 months pregnant, when I felt totally vulnerable it would take alot for me to trust him again.

If he then packed his bags a second time when the baby was a few months old I'd have changed the locks.

Personally if my partners way to dealing with a problem was to pack bags and run , I'd help them with the packing.

You're obviously not getting what you want out of this marriage.

Serve notice to your tenants and move back to your own house when they are gone.

Let your daughter grow up in a secure environment not one where if her dad gets annoyed she's worrying he might pack his bags again. You say you love her, put her first and leave.

shesty

I actually don't understand what you want from this thread OP.

The cleaning, the money, all that stuff, are side-shows to the actual problem.You seem to have known from before you got married that you and your wife are not really compatible.For reasons mainly related to your (both of your) expectations around sex. You knew before you got married, and you seem to have known it since you got married.So what do you want us to tell you??I would suggest counselling if you think it might help but it doesn't seem that way....

So I guess it comes down to can you suck up the current situation and stick it out, or do you do yourself a favour and leave?I am not going to tell you who is right or wrong to be honest -well other than to say if you knew it was that wrong to begin with, you should not have gone ahead with it, despite all the excuses you offered - but clearly your wife is what she is, and you are what you are and it doesn't appear that will change.

I don't really know what else you are looking for.

Wibbs

When there were more red flags on both sides than a Chairman Mao birthday party why in god's name did both of you say "I do"? That's the part I'm struggling with.

Bricriu

Op, When I read the following line from your post, it brought me back to my own horrible marriage (thankfully over now for years) and my awful ex-wife:
Its like kissing a snowman in the bed beside you.

God, being with her was profoundly soul-destroying, and I still (hard to believe, I know) have very bad nightmares 30 years later that I'm still married to her.

Nothing would change my ex-wife - no amount of love, appeasing, conversations, etc. She was a product of all the guilt the Church imposed on us about physical love, and an oppressive bitch of a mother.

Op, I honestly don't see your situation improving - ever. Get out now and make wise, sensible legal arrangements, and then thank yourself that you escaped.

ztoical

OP your update posts haven't changed anything. You've offered zero evidence that your wife is gay. Yes she clearly has issues with intimacy and sex but that does not equal gay. The fact that the relationship has been like this from the beginning says a lot. You state how important intimacy is for you, not just sex but small things and gestures like a coffee date etc etc yet you've never had these things in this relationship. Clearly your OH is not into those things, has never faked being into those things to 'trick' you into marriage, she has always been like this so I'm really baffled why you married in the first place.

I offer the same advice I offered on page 1, leave and come to a co-parenting agreement now. Its not good for your health nor will it be good for your child's development to have parents in such a dysfunctional relationship - they will grow up with that as 'normal' and end up in a similar relationship themselves so if not for your own sake, for your child's sake speak to your OH now to start the separation. If she's as cold as you claim doesn't sound like she'll care.

Canni

Quote: ztoical
As others have said OP you've written a lot yet said very little. If your wife has issues with intimacy or showing affection it does not mean she must be gay. This forum is littered with relationships were one couple showed little interest in sex, doesn't mean its all gay people living a lie. People can have no interest in intimacy, be bad at showing affection and be straight.
Think that's sums it up pretty well!!

"She works hard and basically pays for everything. She basically gives me the freedom to do whatever I want. She washes my clothes and irons them. She cooks for me. She does all the cleaning. Not that I expect any of it. She just does it all because that's the sort of person she is. In many ways its the perfect relationship and she's the perfect wife."

Thats not perfect OP, it sounds down right depressing. No wonder she views you as a sulky child if she's doing everything and you are calling her perfect one moment and cold lesbian in the next. The relationship is not healthy for anyone and certainly not good long term for your child. You need to separate and come to a co-parenting arrangement.

I think this sums up your relationship. I have been in this kind of relationship where I did everything around the house, took care of 2 kids and worked on top and my husband didn't lift a finger. I started resenting him, I mentally switched off from the relationship. Theres only so much crap you can take and do...
Fast forward.. we are now divorced are both happy in new relationships, have a good relationship and as a result have 2 well adjusted kids.
My advice to you is make more of an effort. Show your wife you care by lightening her load. Take on some of the household duties, maybe have a date night once a week cook for her, run her a bubble bath, movie night... whatever. Actions speak loader than words. Step up to the plate...

Neyite

Just split. You are doing what got you into this whole mess - avoiding taking action, and just drifting into situations or commitments and telling yourself it's too complicated to back out now and that you've no choice in the matter.

But you do.

You are not happy and want out of the marriage. So take action. You say you can't walk away but you can. If you want.

But I suspect you quite like your life and don't want to change it. You like having the 'perfect' wife, the perfect spotless house, the perfect outwardly appearance of it all. You like having your laundry done for you. You like that she takes care of the grocery list, the cooking, doing all the other life admin that makes your life easy. You'd just like it if she was interested in you physically as well. However, that was never there in the first place.

I'd suggest counselling but honestly, I don't think it would work either. You aren't a loving but busy /knackered couple who lost their way in their relationship - you both appear to have never had that in the first place. But either way you are struggling and unhappy, and probably she is too. So you need to take action if you want change.

SnowyMay

Princess Calla wrote: »

Let your daughter grow up in a secure environment not one where if her dad gets annoyed she's worrying he might pack his bags again. You say you love her, put her first and leave.

All of Calla’s points are well made, but this is the one that jumped out at me the most. OP - don’t put your daughter in this position. Children pick up on this stuff, and also try to figure it out, and, when dad leaves after an argument, and mum is left picking up the pieces, the child may start blaming the mum, as she is the one who is there to blame.

It is not a good environment for a child, and it sounds like neither of you, as parents, are happy together - let alone as a couple.

I’d say do the right thing at this stage, and at least make arrangements for a split. You won’t be the first or the last person to break up, but your current situation is not good for anybody.

pwurple

Reading the posts here, I think you have difficulty expressing yourself clearly OP.

I am finding it quite hard to follow your train of thought, and I think I'm also misunderstanding what you mean in a few places, so I suspect you might have a similar issue in your marriage. It seems like it's all swirling around in your head like a vortex, and you're finding it hard to separate the hurt from what you need to do here.


I think some counselling for yourself might help here, getting some clarity in your own head, before trying to work on any relationship.

Yellow pack crisps

Take responsibility. You married knowing what awaited. You had a child knowing what awaited. Why do you think your wife is gay? Perhaps she just isn’t very sexual or at least not with you. Don’t mean to be harsh saying that, a major turn off for anyone is having to tend to their partners every need like a child then expect to be sexually attracted to them. It doesn’t matter if they insist on doing everything, show some leadership qualities. Do your fair share. Also don’t expect sex, build up to it by doing things in small steps to improve intimacy. Run a bath, light a few candles put her favorite book in there with some wine and then leave. You seem very flippant about her doing everything. She might want to as to find escapism. You need to talk to her in a non confrontational way also. Take a step back explain yourself willing to take tiny steps to rebuild trust and intimacy in the marriage and show patience. You have to see you broke her trust on several occasions when she was in a vulnerable position both times. This is not to say she hasn’t got work to do too, she has, massive amounts. But maybe take the first step. If it fails and she won’t meet you half way then walk away. A child needs a good and safe environment to grow up in and what your describing now is not good for your daughter. Also cut out the dramatics.