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Can you change a will ?

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Comments

  • #92
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    StereoSound wrote: »
    So I am paying them for each hour they sleep here also ?? Wish someone would pay me 27 Euro per hour I slept..

    Wow. I see you've another few responses explaining why that's way off the mark. Slavery was abolished a long while ago OP.

    Maybe you can start to see why your sister is reluctant to participate. I'd run a mile from that attitude and lack of respect for other people's time.


  • #93
    StereoSound
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,155 ✭✭✭StereoSound


    pwurple wrote: »
    Wow. I see you've another few responses explaining why that's way off the mark. Slavery was abolished a long while ago OP.

    Maybe you can start to see why your sister is reluctant to participate. I'd run a mile from that attitude and lack of respect for other people's time.

    I am not a care expert so I don't know how exactly it all works as yet. This side of things is all new to me. That is why I came on here for a few opinions on some details.


  • #94
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,617 ✭✭✭Tork


    There's a forum for carers on boards which might help you a bit
    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1571


  • #95
    qwerty13
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    StereoSound wrote: »
    I am not a care expert so I don't know how exactly it all works as yet. This side of things is all new to me. That is why I came on here for a few opinions on some details.

    I get that. But I think you need to acknowledge the hard truth that you can’t have everything:
    - you want your father to stay at home = someone needs to mind him
    - you don’t want him to take meds = someone needs to mind him
    - you’re (hugely understandably) getting stressed about what you can cope with re caring for him yourself = someone needs to mind him
    - you want your fathers will to reflect what you and 1 sibling are prepared to do about mind him - none of your business. It’s not your will. It’s not your decision regarding how your parents assets are left after their death.

    Reality is that you can mind him yourself, or in conjunction with your 1 sibling who is willing, or that you pay someone else to mind him at least €27 per hour. Probably more if he’s acting out, or agressive, and you may have carers leave because of that. And more for overnights / weekends. And you need more than one person, because no one is going to give you 24/7 cover. You might be very lucky to get a private arrangement that would cost €15/€17 per hour, but you’d be incredibly lucky to do so.

    I think what got to a few posters is that you seem to think that a carer shouldn’t charge for staying overnight, away from their own bed and family. That’s just completely unreasonable on your part. I think you seriously need to do your own research into the cost of home carers vs nursing home. You can’t have it every way OP, and it honestly sounds like you’re on a wish list, and have not costed any practical elements whatsoever.

    PS: I know that probably sounds very harsh to you, but there just is no easy solution: any solution involves incredible personal sacrifice on your part, or a sizeable payout, or acknowledging that a care home is the way to go. I understand that it’s not an easy choice. But denigrating overnight carers expecting to be paid just came across really badly. If you really think it’s so easy, well then why don’t you stay every night.


  • #96
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,585 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It sounds like you think you might find someone who is in as position to move on with your dad and you'll give them a few quid every week to keep an eye on him. That is not what a carer is.

    You will need a team of people.
    You will need to do necessary checks to ensure they are qualified, garda vetted.
    You will need a rota.
    You will need to amend the rota when someone is unavailable.
    You will need to work out wages every week.
    You will need contracts of employment.
    You will need to agree on annual leave days, annual leave pay.
    You may need to sort out PRSI contributions.
    You will need to be a HR department.
    You will need to manage people and possible differences they have ie, someone being consistently late, someone not doing all of their duties and leaving it to the next person coming on.
    You will become an employer and all that entails.

    It is not a simple case of looking for an individual who will move in with your dad and keep an eye on him.

    If your dad needs 24 hour care, the only realistic option is a care home. At least look into your options. Start with the PHN.


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  • #97
    Ave Sodalis
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,555 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    OP, just something to bare in mind, if you'll have another point of view.

    I have done that balancing of work and a post grad. I was under enormous pressure from family members to visit more often as well, with some using the "we're getting old/need help" reason for wanting me to visit frequently. Some got very upset and ramped up the guilt when I couldn't get to them as often as they wanted. I have no doubt some of these people thought I was being selfish, but I could not do it. I was doing more than my very best as it was.

    Admittedly, I also had physical health issues and a heart dog who was dying, but my stress got so severe that my hair started falling out and I developed vitiligo. I barely had time to sleep. I came very close to a mental break. The vast, vast majority of the stress I was under was from the pressure people were putting on me. If someone wanted me to then add being a carer for someone on top of everything else, I would have ended up jumping off a high bridge.

    It might be that your sister is being selfish, but having been somewhat in your sisters shoes, I can't help wondering if the reason goes beyond selfishness. You dismiss her mental health, but it could be a very valid reason.
    Now I know my situation is not quite like your sisters, but it's near enough that I hope you would at least consider it.


  • #98
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My cousin used one of those care agencies for a short while a few years ago. It solved one problem but gave her a new set of ones to deal with. She became the boss of the carers in her home and even when we went walking her phone would be ringing. I know she had to ring the agency get them to change one of the carers they'd sent out. I think there were other issues as well but I can't remember them now. The point I'm making is those home carers are not a miraculous solution that will solve this problem.

    It was difficult for my cousin because she was living in the house while the carers were there. In between them looking after the patient (bedridden and sleeping a lot) they were sitting in her kitchen or her living room. She found that hard. How can you relax properly in your own home when you have strangers working in it?

    I think you should look again at nursing homes as an option and start on the paperwork for Fair Deal. It's good to have it in your back pocket, ready to deploy if needed. My late mother had to go into a home which was very distressing for us at the time. It turned out to be the right decision for her and for all the family. She was looked after really well in the home, just like the other residents. We were included in any discussions about the medication she was given and everybody was treated with respect. We could visit her at any time and could stay as long as we wanted. While my mum was alive and ill, her condition took up so much room in our heads it made life very difficult. When she went into the home it gave us all room to breathe and start to live some semblance of a normal life again. I dread to think where I would be now if I had given up everything to care for her. It sounds selfish but you have to look beyond your father's lifespan and make sure you set yourself up properly for the rest of your life.


  • #99
    cj maxx
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,657 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    I asked solicitor the same question , and the answer in no you can’t change it but you can challenge it if you feel there was an injustice done afair


  • #100
    qwerty13
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    For goodness sake - your father is still alive, you are speaking as though he was dead and buried.

    His house or money are his assets, not yours. And should be spent to benefit him. And you don’t own those assets! Who are you to be talking about who should benefit / challenging his Will? And what injustice??

    I’m starting to think this is a lot more about you wanting to cut your sibling out of inheritance, and thinking you can save “your inheritance” by throwing a few quid to someone to casually look in on your father, as opposed to spending HIS money on proper qualified care that he needs.


  • #101
    vintagecosmos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 849 ✭✭✭vintagecosmos


    A will isnt some sort of contract that can be changed if you feel there is underperformance. It is not an exchange of services. It is one persons wishes. Based on what you have written here, I dont believe you would successfully challenge it. Its a shame your sister isnt helping out as much as you. But you set the bar for yourself. You should have a duty of care to your father, but you are not obliged to become a full time carer. Hope you find a solution thats best for your father.


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