Saving issues.

jam_mac_jam · 28-09-2020 08:26AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Money is a language.

What you do with it ..says a lot about the way you feel.

He doesn't love her ..and definitely not who she really is.

I mean you yourself are all saying walk.

He should walk.

He doesn't love her because he won't be taken advantage of? Maybe he just loves himself and has some respect for himself?

GingerLily · 28-09-2020 08:27AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Its actually quite normal. A lot of women let on they are way more independant than they are.

.

My female friends are solicitors, accountants, GPs, pharmacists, team leaders and restaurant managers etc. we're all able to live quite independently (some single some married) , it's the norm where we're from to expect to contribute.

I'd say it's the norm for most Irish women in their late twenties and early thirties.

I know as many homes where the women are the bread winners compared to the men, in my peer group, but everyone pays what they can.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:27AM

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

He doesn't love her because he won't be taken advantage of? Maybe he just loves himself and has some respect for himself?

If he feels that way he should move on.

jam_mac_jam · 28-09-2020 08:31AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If he feels that way he should move on.

I completely agree. They are obviously not compatible on such an important issue.

jam_mac_jam · 28-09-2020 08:33AM

GingerLily wrote: »

My female friends are solicitors, accountants, GPs, pharmacists, team leaders and restaurant managers etc. we're all able to live quite independently (some single some married) , it's the norm where we're from to expect to contribute.

I'd say it's the norm for most Irish women in their late twenties and early thirties.

I know as many homes where the women are the bread winners compared to the men, in my peer group, but everyone pays what they can.

That would be the norm for people I know and family as well.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:33AM

jam_mac_jam wrote: »

I completely agree. They are obviously not compatible on such an important issue.

Then he should tell her tomorrow.

Give her an ultimatum. Or better yet just walk. Best not string it out.

GingerLily · 28-09-2020 08:35AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Im in my twenties ..all my friends and my brother etc the men are the bread winners.

I would say you are wrong. I know a lot of women who were accountants etc before they married.

But I wish them all the best.

If you're only in your twenties I think you're very premature to assume you actually know what's going on with the finances in other people's relationships and how that changes when you get older.

People fresh out of college in their twenties and people in their thirties have completely different finances.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:36AM

GingerLily wrote: »

If you're only in your twenties I think you're very premature to assume you actually know what's going on with the finances in other people's relationships and how that changes when you get older.

People fresh out of college in their twenties and people in their thirties have completely different finances.

I used to work in a mortgage shop. (mortgage brokerage)

It doesn't really matter to be me what others do.

They can do them. I do me. Etc.

If its not the 'norm' ....you can say the op's girlfriend ..you are not being normal etc. I doubt it will change her though. As she is getting validation from her friends about it. They are doing the same thing.

Zebrag · 28-09-2020 08:39AM

ILoveYourVibes is possibly trolling or genuinely belives what they belive. That's fine.

This whole "The men pays for everything" has long sailed that boat and if the OP's girlfriend also thinks that well I'm sorry but when $hit does hit the fan, house is bought and OP loses their job, where will the girlfriend go then? My thinking, she will blame OP and off she goes elsewhere and he's left picking up the pieces and let's everyone think OP was the problem.

If this was a woman posting the same thread using the same scenario, she would also be told to leave her partner and she's worth more than that burden so that goes for OP.

Regardless of who you are, where you're from, it's a given that as a couple who would like to have a future together, to contribute. If one takes the burden of it all, often it ends in complete disaster. Especially if marriage is on the cards further down the line, how does the girlfriend expect OP to pay for a mortage and save for a wedding? I may be adding more example problems here but it goes line in line. I'm sensing the house savings isn't the first of their fiancial arguments and it won't be the last, if they do go ahead and buy a house.

We are all entitled to an opinion and OP asked for advice which I do hope they take into consideration as I firmly believe a house purchase is a big commitment and nothing something they should take lightly so the girlfriend needs a stern word or two, if he doesn't and her friends think the partners should pay, then it's clear the girlfriend is living in La La Land and hasn't been in touch with reality or better still, has never experience life's problems (which let's face it we've all had our fair shares with probably more too come) It's part and parcel of life.

But for a commenter to state that OP is being tight. I'm drawing the line there. There's being tight to the point of pealing oranges in your pockets and there's using common sense. OP stated they've worked many hours to gather enough for a deposit, that itself shows determination as it is. For his girlfriend to point blank refuse to help, then no I'm sorry, she's taking him for a ride. She doesn't necessarily have to get another job or do more hours herself but she could at least put SOMETHING towards the deposit, if not make an agreement towards house bills etc. But I am leaning towards the girlfriend being more than happy to let OP do literally everything and then walk away when things aren't going well

bee06 · 28-09-2020 08:41AM

OP, the most important thing when going into a legally binding financial relationship with someone is that you’re on the same page with money. If she didn’t have savings but was living within her means and doing her best to increase her wages etc then great. But she has no intention of paying her way of reining in her spending to do this.

Please bear in mind that if you buy yourself and she moves in she is entitled to a share of the house after a length of time due to cohabitation laws.

BuboBubo · 28-09-2020 08:42AM

Time to sit down for a long hard talk OP.

Your partner not saving money, is it a delay tactic? Do they really want to buy a house?

Personally I'd walk away. It's the mortgage now, next it will be bills, new cars, kids) if they are on the agenda).

If your partner is unwilling to contribute financially I would take that as a sign of immaturity, selfishness, and lack of commitment.

GingerLily · 28-09-2020 08:44AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I used to work in a mortgage shop. (mortgage brokerage)

It doesn't really matter to be me what others do.

They can do them. I do me. Etc.

If its not the 'norm' ....you can say the op's girlfriend ..you are not being normal etc. I doubt it will change her though. As she is getting validation from her friends about it. They are doing the same thing.

So you worked in a mortgage broker and you witness couples applying for mortgages where only one saved and the worked and had a wage but p*ssed away their full income? Did they typically get a mortgage? Not a chance for people on normal wages.

No one here is judging supporting a partner through education or child rearing, but if your both working you both should contribute.

jam_mac_jam · 28-09-2020 08:45AM

The fact that she is not willing to contribute anything would be a red flag. Not even offer a small amount is very strange. What happens if you loose your job or even your overtime, is she just going to sit there and wait for money to magically appear.

You have to be able to rely on someone and the fact she is willing not to contribute anything is a major red flag. Of she had said oh you have the deposit I will save towards furniture or something. Just to make an effort.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:48AM

GingerLily wrote: »

So you worked in a mortgage broker and you witness couples applying for mortgages where only one saved and the worked and had a wage but p*ssed away their full income? Did they typically get a mortgage? Not a chance for people on normal wages.

No one here is judging supporting a partner through education or child rearing, but if your both working you both should contribute.

OH YEAH!

It was more likely the guy paid in ....80% ...and the woman something tho.
I rarely saw a woman put in like 50% or more than that. And in that case she might be buying alone.
Its mostly parents that seemed to help.

GingerLily · 28-09-2020 08:50AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OH YEAH!

It was more likely the guy paid in ....80% ...and the woman something tho.
I rarely saw a woman put in like 50% or more than that. And in that case she might be buying alone.
Its mostly parents that seemed to help.

So they did contribute, thanks for clearing that up!!

jam_mac_jam · 28-09-2020 08:51AM

I would wonder about her commitment to you and the relationship if she is not willing to pay for anything.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:52AM

The thing is op.

If you marry her ...it does not matter what she contributes. She could give you something NOW and not work again etc.
Half of NOT just the house ..but everything of yours ..is hers.

SO maybe think about that.

I would wonder about her commitment to you and the relationship if she is not willing to pay for anything.

Where people put their money ..says a lot.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:54AM

GingerLily wrote: »

So they did contribute, thanks for clearing that up!!

that's pocket money.

Its kind of women telling themselves 'im independant' etc.

You are correct tho. They contributed. Many didnt tho..it was less so ..but not rare.

28-09-2020 08:55AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

She is probably contributing to the relationship in other ways. :rolleyes:

Different people bring different things to the table.

She brings herself.

His attitude is not acceptable in a grown man to me.

Yes I would expect that.

But you are not a BAD guy per say. That would be very judgemental.

I don't know what has developed your character and thinking about money etc. You seem tight to me. But that obviously isn't how you see yourself. That is my perception. Its an individual thing.

My brother for example pays for all the rent and expenses for his GF. All his friends do the same. In fact one of his friends married a girl from China and there the guy has to buy the woman a house before they get married. It took them much longer to do so ....if she had helped ...they could have gotten it much sooner.

Are you sure you really love her?

I mean if you loved her .... i don't think you would be thinking this way. You would want to give it to her. I think you should take pride in having saved the money yourself etc.

Its not uncommon for the guy to have a house or buy property before even getting engaged. Or to have the money.

You seem to want her quality of life to go down ....she should get another job etc work her fingers to the bone..to save when you already have the money. I don't think that's wise.

I honestly DONT think you have her best interests at heart. You don't want the best for her. But are concerned about protecting your money.

And that is probably how it seems to her. And she knows you already have the money etc.

I mean you realize when you marry etc she will own half of everything you own anyway right?

Same pretty much if you move in.

If you have an issue considering half the money you have hers. Don't move in with her. That would be my genuine fair advice to you.

It's clear that is the way she is thinking. Whether you agree with it or not.

I am not sure why you would move in with anyone knowing that if you feel this way about money. The best thing for you to do would be to buy the house yourself ...and not move in with her.

Is it possible she is from a wealthier background than you?

Some of the worst "advice" I've ever read on here. Pure projection.

If she is from a "wealthier background" than him, it's a shame her parents never passed on their financial sense, considering their daughter's inability to save a cent.

JeffKenna · 28-09-2020 08:56AM

GingerLily wrote: »

So you worked in a mortgage broker and you witness couples applying for mortgages where only one saved and the worked and had a wage but p*ssed away their full income? Did they typically get a mortgage? Not a chance for people on normal wages.

No one here is judging supporting a partner through education or child rearing, but if your both working you both should contribute.

In fairness, the thread has no examples to show the girlfriend is pissing through money. It could easily be the case the OP is a tight ass and forcing something that is beyond her means. We don't know what area the girlfriend works in, easy for those with professional jobs and Covit secure jobs to talk.

jam_mac_jam · 28-09-2020 08:57AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

that's pocket money.

Its kind of women telling themselves 'im independant' etc.

You are correct tho. They contributed. Many didnt tho..it was less so ..but not rare.

Houses are expensive. There are very few people who can buy them on one wage be realistic obviously most people in Ireland are buying houses on two wages.

That's a fact

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:57AM

Deleted User wrote: »

Some of the worst "advice" I've ever read on here. Pure projection.

If she is from a "wealthier background" than him, it's a shame her parents never passed on their financial sense, considering their daughter's inability to save a cent.

Actually this has just given me a good idea.

OP could you approach her parents and ask them to contribute?

Or would this be a no go?

If they gave HER something towards it ...she might put in a bit?? It might make her feel there was less pressure ..get her started?

wirelessdude01 · 28-09-2020 08:57AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OH YEAH!

It was more likely the guy paid in ....80% ...and the woman something tho.
I rarely saw a woman put in like 50% or more than that. And in that case she might be buying alone.
Its mostly parents that seemed to help.

But the lady in question here would be putting ZERO in.

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 08:59AM

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

But the lady in question here would be putting ZERO in.

I guess she would be bringing zero to the table.

OP she is not going to change unless you up and leave.

Suggest a break or something.

wirelessdude01 · 28-09-2020 09:01AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Actually this has just given me a good idea.

OP could you approach her parents and ask them to contribute?

Or would this be a no go?

If they gave HER something towards it ...she might put in a bit?? It might make her feel there was less pressure ..get her started?

And what about the monthly mortgage payments? Should he go cap in hand every month th for her parents to pay their adult daughters portion?

Go back to your silver spoon life which isn't the current reality in the 21st century.

GingerLily · 28-09-2020 09:01AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

that's pocket money.

Its kind of women telling themselves 'im independant' etc.

You are correct tho. They contributed. Many didnt tho..it was less so ..but not rare.

So your saying it wouldn't be the norm to not contribute? Lol

Also wanted to add - brokers mortgage applications are not the same profile of applicant on average compared to applications that go direct to banks, so your basing your conclusions off bias data.

Go away with you "I'm independent" stuff, this PI is about couples finances, not women who are financially independent, they're not the same thing (hint couples usually buy large things together).

28-09-2020 09:02AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Actually this has just given me a good idea.

OP could you approach her parents and ask them to contribute?

Or would this be a no go?

If they gave HER something towards it ...she might put in a bit?? It might make her feel there was less pressure ..get her started?

Or OP, how about just finding a sensible, grown-up partner who won't be a leech on your future?

ILoveYourVibes · 28-09-2020 09:02AM

I am not trolling. Maybe we are just at cross purposes.

Anyhow. I am not responding to insults. Its not helpful to personal issues.

Its not fair to me either. I feel its possible to be able to talk respectfully without insults and emotional reactions.

My best to the OP whatever he decides.

I've enjoyed the discussion. Its been eye opening.

Best to all in the thread too

Zebrag · 28-09-2020 09:13AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

that's pocket money.

Its kind of women telling themselves 'im independant' etc.

You are correct tho. They contributed. Many didnt tho..it was less so ..but not rare.

I've had an apointment with a broker and a financial advisor in a bank branch and both have said equal contributions prove that one can carry on the payments of a mortage in case the other loses their job or for medical reasons. If not equal than, one might save (for a stupid example) €10 more than the other which still proves payments can be paid. So essentially, a couple HAS to have savings themselves, whether thats a joint or savings in their own accounts but either ways.

If I went to a bank and asked for a mortage from my own deposit and my partner wanted to be on the mortage with me with no savings, no contributions, I've been told that I would be seen as a single applicant as my partner would have no proof of saving therefore, not being able to afford that nice 4 bedroom house we could pay off as a couple but probably a 1 bed apartment (which still wouldn't be possible depending) as my salary wouldn't cover the lovely house we wanted even though my partner is living with me even though I want him on the mortage.

So now you're saying, as a broker yourself with many experiences and scenarios you've come across, that actually wait, if my partner can show he has independent money as you would refer it too, that that 4 bedroom house will be purchased because I've sweated my arse off to raise a deposit and my partner actually doesn't want to help at all? So if something was to happen to me and my partner, with no job, can't pay the mortage because he's an independent man who doesn't need a woman to tell him what to do with his money, that it's that easy to get a mortage?

Please. Send me a your details and sign me up to the first house we see because you sound legit.

The same was for my grandparents when they bought their first house way back when. They both had to have savings, my granddad did moreso but my nanny had to show she had something too and even at that it was close call as they were told my nanny wasn't earning enough. It wasn't a case of, the men had the money and the women done feck all.

This one has to be trolling

jam_mac_jam · 28-09-2020 09:16AM

They look at the savings of both when applying for a mortgage. There is no way the bank will just ignore no savings record.

Saving issues.

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