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StinkyMunkey

If anyone gets a mortgage with someone not willing to contribute anything at the start, they need to get their head examined.

There are serious red flags here, OP who do you think will end up paying the mortgage and bills on their own while someone is out living the life?

Save yourself a life of misery and either give her a reality check or run for the hills, don't let yourself get taken for a ride.

hayoc

JeffKenna wrote: »

Why did you marry him in the first place if you were constantly putting him down by telling him to get a better job? Be interesting to hear his side.

Before we married he earned twice my salary and he quit that job to go back to college the year we married - which I paid for and supported him in, 2 years of that, another year faffing around not working, then a minimum wage job for 2 years and finally into a low paid job that he refused to budge from - because he liked the job. I didnt like my job so much. He wouldnt even look for other jobs. Just kept saying there were no jobs.

I wasnt putting him down about it - which I would have thought was clear from my post, infact, I was supporting him entirely, however, its impossible for me not to look back at the situation with the knowledge that I have now (ie, that he was cheating on me for years) and realise that he was quite happy to be financially supported by me the whole time.

I might add, he constantly asked ME to get a higher paying job despite the fact that I was already the higher earner. He wanted me to earn more and he stated that if one of us earned X amount, the other could not work at all. And because I have higher value "job" skills, that it was ME who should seek the X amount job and him who should stop working.

And upon me discovering his double life and the marriage ending, he told me that I should let him stay in the family home for a couple of years so he could have time to look for a better job - something that he had refused to do throughout the marriage.

Yellow pack crisps

She isn’t just telling you she won’t contribute to the deposit and mortgage, she is laying down her expectations of you as the main breadwinner and the person who will pay the majority of everything in the relationship. At least she is being honest. It’s totally your decision now what you do with this information, it’s not unique, it happens all the time. There is not a hope this girl will continue working and contributing 30% going forward if kids are in your future. You will then be 100% pay fir everything while child allowance etc will he seen as her pocket money.

Katgurl

Op I think you should end this relationship or at the very least just buy on your own.

This is not about one person being in a better financial position. This is about character and yours aren't compatible.

I would have no respect for a person (can we lay off the gender stereotypes please?) like that. She sounds like my fiance's ex wife and now their daughters are growing up into lazy, self entitled, demanding ungrateful women.

lainey_d_123

There's some wild casual sexism on this thread and a lot of assumptions being made.

PHG wrote: »

This above is spot on.

Imagine the hassle when you have to kit it out. From what you describe, she will want to be the designer but with not a lot of the cash injection, if any.

Myself and my gf are thinking of buying early next year. I earn a good bit more than what she does. However, we have agreed that if we were to break up that we split the place by proportion of deposit paid by both of us and we are getting that in a legal doc.

That said she turns up with random stuff for the current apartment if we need it and will do extras groceries and not ask for or expect a penny so can't see any financial worries, but still, if its not in writing it never happened!

So in other words, you're happy for your girlfriend to pay extra for stuff for the apartment and groceries and not give her that money back, but you will be getting every cent that's 'yours' back if you split up and sell the house? Will you be deducting all the money your girlfriend has spent on the house and household expenses like groceries from that? If not, she's basically subsidising you at her own expense. Will she also be paying the same proportion of the monthly mortgage payment as she put into the deposit payment? If not, she will again be losing out if you pay equal amounts. If she pays half the mortgage repayment every month, she would be surely be gradually putting more and more equity into the house, which she will then not get back if you split?

I do hope your girlfriend will get decent legal advice because she is the one who stands to get fleeced here if your plan is what it sounds like.

HamSarris wrote: »

This set-up where the guy pays the bills and the woman keeps her own money is more common than people think. A much higher proportion of women work part-time, feel that their wages just cover their own expenses and allow the guy to pay for everything else. And many women who start off in full time hours often move to part-time with kids and gradually let the guy take over paying the bills. Many guys can be happy to conform to the traditional provider role.

Yes, because kids need to be looked after, and it's often cheaper for one partner to do all or most of the childcare than to put them in a creche. This benefits the man just as much as the woman if he's the higher earner. Why does it make him the 'provider' any more than if the woman is providing free childcare, house cleaning and dinner cooking?

I'm not saying the girlfriend in OP's scenario isn't being cheeky here, but there are many, many valid reasons why a 50/50 split isn't possible or desirable for some couples. Lots of people are low earners or have little money saved through no fault of their own. I was chronically ill through my entire twenties and it massively limited my career prospects. As soon as the symptoms were a bit more manageable I got myself into a decent job, but am still over a decade behind where I would be if I'd had better luck. Some people are lucky enough to get inheritances or have had better and happier lives leading to more prospects. Implying that someone who can't save as much as someone else is lazy is unfair and silly.

PHG

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

There's some wild casual sexism on this thread and a lot of assumptions being made.



So in other words, you're happy for your girlfriend to pay extra for stuff for the apartment and groceries and not give her that money back, but you will be getting every cent that's 'yours' back if you split up and sell the house? Will you be deducting all the money your girlfriend has spent on the house and household expenses like groceries from that? If not, she's basically subsidising you at her own expense. Will she also be paying the same proportion of the monthly mortgage payment as she put into the deposit payment? If not, she will again be losing out if you pay equal amounts. If she pays half the mortgage repayment every month, she would be surely be gradually putting more and more equity into the house, which she will then not get back if you split?

Let me clarify for you lainey_d_123 before you go jumping to your own assumptions.

My girlfriends rent ended a few months back and she moved in with me. She offered to pay rent but I said no it's fine and cover the whole amount as I would be ding it anyway if she lived with me or not. I have no bother with this and have never mentioned this to her or thought about it since. I also never knew extra groceries were such an expense!

For the NORMAL big shop she may pay this week, I pay next week. As I wfh most days she sometimes picks up extra stuff needed during the week on the way home from work as I am always still working when she arrives back. In fact its nearly a battle to pay in the supermarket each week!

I work incredibly long hours and cover our lunch and/or dinner out every weekend, so covering my fair share and never think twice about it. This is not a chore or anything, I want to spend quality time with my gf so why wouldn't I. As said, she turns up with random stuff and has some activities paid for for both of us for when my busy period ends. She also does 90% of the cooking but she loves cooking so takes no issue with it (amazing cook btw!!) For this stuff we do not compare and why should we. It is give and take.

As for the deposit... If/when we get married then, what is mine is hers and what is hers is mine. Until then it is not! We have talked about it and this is absolutely fine with both of us and splitting a mortgage as per the amount we both put in is fair (deposit and mortgage amount incl). We have both worked very hard and sacrificed a lot to get our amounts together so do not see why anyone would take issue with it.

The above is talking as a couple about the big things particularly as finance is the biggest reason for divorce and breakups. We are very much on the same level when it comes to financial thinking (in fact she has curbed a lot of my unnecessary expenditure) and I think it is the reason we can only count 1 arguement in the 10 months we are together.

Back to the OP, I hope you ended it for your sake!

lainey_d_123

PHG wrote: »

Let me clarify for you lainey_d_123 before you go jumping to your own assumptions.

My girlfriends rent ended a few months back and she moved in with me. She offered to pay rent but I said no it's fine and cover the whole amount as I would be ding it anyway if she lived with me or not. I have no bother with this and have never mentioned this to her or thought about it since. I also never knew extra groceries were such an expense!

It depends what they are. They can add up very quickly. You could easily spend 15 euros running into Centra for a few bits (especially if you buy wine or beer) and if that's a good few times a week, it can end up being a considerable amount. Obviously if she's not paying any rent, then it's absolutely grand for her to be buying most, if not all of the groceries.

For the NORMAL big shop she may pay this week, I pay next week. As I wfh most days she sometimes picks up extra stuff needed during the week on the way home from work as I am always still working when she arrives back. In fact its nearly a battle to pay in the supermarket each week!

I work incredibly long hours and cover our lunch and/or dinner out every weekend, so covering my fair share and never think twice about it. This is not a chore or anything, I want to spend quality time with my gf so why wouldn't I. As said, she turns up with random stuff and has some activities paid for for both of us for when my busy period ends. She also does 90% of the cooking but she loves cooking so takes no issue with it (amazing cook btw!!) For this stuff we do not compare and why should we. It is give and take.

Not saying any of this is a problem. I'm saying that being very strict about mortgage splits can actually result in the poorer partner subsidising the richer one, in reality. I've seen it happen where the poorer partner contributes a disproportionate amount of time into a property (painting, decorating, etc.) as well as money (buying paint, mirrors, furniture, tiles) and then none of that time or money is remembered when it comes to selling.

As for the deposit... If/when we get married then, what is mine is hers and what is hers is mine. Until then it is not! We have talked about it and this is absolutely fine with both of us and splitting a mortgage as per the amount we both put in is fair (deposit and mortgage amount incl). We have both worked very hard and sacrificed a lot to get our amounts together so do not see why anyone would take issue with it.

The above is talking as a couple about the big things particularly as finance is the biggest reason for divorce and breakups. We are very much on the same level when it comes to financial thinking (in fact she has curbed a lot of my unnecessary expenditure) and I think it is the reason we can only count 1 arguement in the 10 months we are together.

Back to the OP, I hope you ended it for your sake!

I do agree with most of that. It just sounded in your initial post like she was contributing things which would not be considered as contributions later if you were to split. That definitely is a common scenario.

AcidLollyPop

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Where are all the single female property owners? I know a lot of male ones.

One here-I built my own house, on my own - no man/partner! Imagine that

(am not sure what the question relates to tho?)

To the OP, you call her your partner (assume unmarried). If you decide to apply on your own and own your own home, you need to seek legal advice about her rights as your (unmarried) partner when living there. Say you buy your property now (your name only is on the title/deeds) and she moved in to your property, she can have claim to your property (as a common law wife) after a certain amount of time (and if she contributes to the house hold). I would get that exclusively looked at and have an agreement drawn up.

In the same vein, if you stump up all of the deposit now, and same scenario happened above (or ye married, even worse for you if there was a split and no agreement), she can also still take you to the cleaners.

Not saying she will, but when it comes to property and love, am all about protecting your assets, in a "I love you now.....but maybe I wont in 5 years." Its a mad situation to put yourself in, for "love". Love doesnt pay the mortgage or bills, or protect you if anything happened.

IF/when I meet some fine fella, and down the road IF we decide to live in my property, I will keep an open forum with them on this. If they are the right person for me, they will understand. The blood, sweat, money, and tears gone into building my home, a person will never have a chance to get a finger on it.

Part of my reasoning for the above is, I have been head over heels in a 3 year relationship. Oh love love love. Wasnt it brilliant. Until it wasnt. And then money Id given to support him never came back. Break up and property/money = someone will loose. I wont find myself in that situation again.

Also, there is property upkeep (I didnt have an understanding of this-was just words, until now I own my own) and taxes and bills and responsibilities. Will you stump up for these too?

topmanamillion

mycro2013 wrote: »

Her issue which I'm blue on the face from conveying is that she lives a champagne lifestyle on coca cola money.

Put the skids on the whole thing. Go for a single application for the mortgage and under no circumstances let her move in, unless she comes with a cheque for 20k (50% deposit), which of course she won't.
You're clearly not compatible financially and you're not happy carrying her financially which is what she expects of you.