Dating in late thirties with no success

Tippy101 · 04-09-2020 07:47PM #1

Hi all, this is my first post here and hoping for some constructive /objective advice.
I've been single about two years now and back on dating scene for just over a year. I'm fully over my ex and ready to meet someone new with a view to long term. I'm dating pretty exclusively online these days and using tinder but with the same bad results.
I get to date three or four and the guy disappears. I might get a text a week later to say they're not ready for a relationship but usually it's a ghosting situation or responses that are totally lacking in enthusiasm which gets the message across. In a couple of instances I was quite interested and thought he was too so it was disappointing when it ended.
I feel like I must be doing something wrong as everyone else I know seems to be meeting their partners more easily. Or maybe I'm just unlucky?

TP_CM · 04-09-2020 08:11PM

Tippy101 wrote: »

Hi all, this is my first post here and hoping for some constructive /objective advice.
I've been single about two years now and back on dating scene for just over a year. I'm fully over my ex and ready to meet someone new with a view to long term. I'm dating pretty exclusively online these days and using tinder but with the same bad results.
I get to date three or four and the guy disappears. I might get a text a week later to say they're not ready for a relationship but usually it's a ghosting situation or responses that are totally lacking in enthusiasm which gets the message across. In a couple of instances I was quite interested and thought he was too so it was disappointing when it ended.
I feel like I must be doing something wrong as everyone else I know seems to be meeting their partners more easily. Or maybe I'm just unlucky?

Have you tried Hinge? Some of my friends have had more success on that app because it's more upfront and you get more information about the other person.

If they're the ones walking away it's more a reflection on where they're at rather than you. All I can say is make the most of yourself, be honest, open minded, loving and caring, know what you like and don't like, and be as optimistic as possible. I know it's not possible every day but it's a good aim to begin with. After that it's just the numbers game. Trust the process and keep dating as many people as possible. I know it's hard but if you keep going I know it will happen for you. And by the way, while it's tiring, one benefit of dating many people before finding your match is that you gain more knowledge about what you want. This makes it easier to identify the person in the end, making for a better relationship.

Tippy101 · 04-09-2020 08:30PM

Thank you

I have tried hinge and did meet a couple guys there and similar experiences though one did eventually text to say he wasn't in the right place for a relationship which was totally fine (and probably obvious to me in hindsight but I ignored). I don't find hinge as easy tbh.
I'm trying to be all the things you say as your attitude is so important and in the main I'm a positive optimistic person but I've just been ghosted again and that's prompted me to post here. Date three and he expected us to sleep together which I wasn't ready for. I want to take little more time to make sure I actually like the guy before I jump into bed. It would be so easy to just go with it but that hasn't served me well in the past. So he disappeared whether for that reason or another, who knows!

TP_CM · 04-09-2020 08:57PM

Tippy101 wrote: »

Thank you I have tried hinge and did meet a couple guys there and similar experiences though one did eventually text to say he wasn't in the right place for a relationship which was totally fine (and probably obvious to me in hindsight but I ignored). I don't find hinge as easy tbh.
I'm trying to be all the things you say as your attitude is so important and in the main I'm a positive optimistic person but I've just been ghosted again and that's prompted me to post here. Date three and he expected us to sleep together which I wasn't ready for. I want to take little more time to make sure I actually like the guy before I jump into bed. It would be so easy to just go with it but that hasn't served me well in the past. So he disappeared whether for that reason or another, who knows!

Speaking as a guy who met his now wife on Tinder about 4 years ago, you are doing completely the right thing by waiting until later to sleep with anyone. The right guy will 100% appreciate and understand this. I know it's unusual for guys but I was the same as you and so was my wife. We had discussed it and from my perspective it was one way I could show the dating world that I'm ready for more than just sleeping with people. It kind of puts the relationship in the right gear from the get go. I think you're doing everything right, just keep going with the dating and it will happen for you.

Tippy101 · 04-09-2020 09:15PM

TP_CM wrote: »

Speaking as a guy who met his now wife on Tinder about 4 years ago, you are doing completely the right thing by waiting until later to sleep with anyone. The right guy will 100% appreciate and understand this. I know it's unusual for guys but I was the same as you and so was my wife. We had discussed it and from my perspective it was one way I could show the dating world that I'm ready for more than just sleeping with people. It kind of puts the relationship in the right gear from the get go. I think you're doing everything right, just keep going with the dating and it will happen for you.

This is good to hear, objectively , from someone who doesn't know me and who isn't biased! It's also so good to hear that that worked and made sense for you and your wife. I will keep going, I'm getting closer and closer to forty and I do get disillusioned but I just need to shake it off. The funny thing is, though I did like a couple of these guys, I was by no means crazy about any of them and yet when it doesn't work out its disappointing. Its like the hope of something being gone rather than the person being gone that gets me down. I'm placing far too much emphasis on it most likely.

JasonStatham · 04-09-2020 10:10PM

Delete Tinder and use traditional methods to meet someone in a less error prone way. God knows where...meetups, with peoole with similar outlook or hobbies? Things like Salsa dancing?

God, I hate Tinder. I got rid of it ages ago. My brother has Tinder. I told him to get rid of it. Man, I try to discourage as many people from using Tinder, as humanly possible. It's morally dubious and culturally vacuous. Wow, I have surpassed myself in this thread haha.

J Mysterio · 04-09-2020 10:20PM

JasonStatham wrote: »

Delete Tinder and use traditional methods to meet someone in a less error prone way. God knows where...meetups, with peoole with similar outlook or hobbies? Things like Salsa dancing?

God, I hate Tinder. I got rid of it ages ago. My brother has Tinder. I told him to get rid of it. Man, I try to discourage as many people from using Tinder, as humanly possible. It's morally dubious and culturally vacuous. Wow, I have surpassed myself in this thread haha.

We are living in Covid world you know? Chances to meet people in the old ways are now significantly reduced. Salsa dancing is not something that is happening.

Like it or loathe it, Tinder is basically now one of the best ways to meet people.

JustAThought · 04-09-2020 10:35PM

J Mysterio wrote: »

We are living in Covid world you know? Chances to meet people in the old ways are now significantly reduced. Salsa dancing is not something that is happening.

Like it or loathe it, Tinder is basically now one of the best ways to meet people.

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

Tippy101 · 04-09-2020 10:36PM

J Mysterio wrote: »

We are living in Covid world you know? Chances to meet people in the old ways are now significantly reduced. Salsa dancing is not something that is happening.

Like it or loathe it, Tinder is basically now one of the best ways to meet people.

This !! I'd love to never open another dating app again but the reality is that people do meet there and form healthy relationships. There's room for everything. Pre covid I would meet people while out but no greater success rate and I'm still single. As for salsa, tried it - great exercise, not so good for dating!

Tippy101 · 04-09-2020 10:45PM

JasonStatham wrote: »

Delete Tinder and use traditional methods to meet someone in a less error prone way. God knows where...meetups, with peoole with similar outlook or hobbies? Things like Salsa dancing?

God, I hate Tinder. I got rid of it ages ago. My brother has Tinder. I told him to get rid of it. Man, I try to discourage as many people from using Tinder, as humanly possible. It's morally dubious and culturally vacuous. Wow, I have surpassed myself in this thread haha.

I take your point and I'm a pretty active person and in a normal world, pre or post covid I am out and about but right now dating apps are it and I do know people who have met their partners there, increasingly so. Its hugely error prone, I agree and my experience is testament to that but I'm not going to put my life on hold until this virus is gone so I need to give it a go and be as optimistic as I can be.

J Mysterio · 04-09-2020 11:57PM

JustAThought wrote: »

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

That's complete nonsense. Tinder is people who want to meet people, there's all sorts.

Airyfairy12 · 05-09-2020 12:23AM

It's so hard to meet people these days and I really hate Tinder, I feel like it's ruined dating, people think they have hundreds of options and that the grass is greener with someone else so they dont give relationships or really getting to know someone a chance.
My only suggestion is to try and meet someone through your friend group, going out and socialising and meeting people face to face, easier said than done in our current covid world but as far as Tinder goes, its depressing to say the least.

KrustyUCC · 05-09-2020 12:06PM

JustAThought wrote: »

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

I know three couples getting married this year who met on Tinder

Yes it can be for hook-up sex but it can also be lead to so much more

Tricky one OP in some ways OP

you don't want to sleep with a guy until you get to know him better

Perfectly fine but that does put some people off

2 of the couples I mentioned above slept together on the first date and they never looked back

However I'd just keep going with what you're doing and comfortable with as you never knows whats around the corner

Keep organising dates and getting to know the person and hopefully it will all click for you

Thelonious Monk · 05-09-2020 12:16PM

The dating apps are great, just dont invest your whole life in them. You'll have to deal with all sorts on them but there are good normal people on there too, it just takes loads of dates to meet someone you click with. Keep at it OP, but just try and be happy with or without a partner. I've no doubt if you keep going on dates it'll work for you eventually. I used to take breaks from the apps for a few months, it helps. It's not Tinders fault the world is full of flakes and dishonesty and arseholes. Hate the players, not the game!

Tippy101 · 05-09-2020 07:34PM

KrustyUCC wrote: »

I know three couples getting married this year who met on Tinder

Yes it can be for hook-up sex but it can also be lead to so much more

Tricky one OP in some ways OP

you don't want to sleep with a guy until you get to know him better

Perfectly fine but that does put some people off

2 of the couples I mentioned above slept together on the first date and they never looked back

However I'd just keep going with what you're doing and comfortable with as you never knows whats around the corner

Keep organising dates and getting to know the person and hopefully it will all click for you

Thanks for the response! It is tricky, I'd love to be able to just go with it if it feels right and I know that it can be an issue for some if you put the breaks on but it's not a case of wanting to wait months before sleeping together, maybe a couple more dates at most so I'm sure he's a solid guy and I know I actually like him and see potential. I have slept with guys sooner in the past but often got burnt. I don't know that there is a right answer to this one, just what feels right for each person in each situation. Waiting past date three was clearly an issue for the last guy as hes disappeared but then that tells me all I need to know I suppose!

Tippy101 · 05-09-2020 07:38PM

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

The dating apps are great, just dont invest your whole life in them. You'll have to deal with all sorts on them but there are good normal people on there too, it just takes loads of dates to meet someone you click with. Keep at it OP, but just try and be happy with or without a partner. I've no doubt if you keep going on dates it'll work for you eventually. I used to take breaks from the apps for a few months, it helps. It's not Tinders fault the world is full of flakes and dishonesty and arseholes. Hate the players, not the game!

advice
Breaks are very necessary and I do ave a fairly balanced approach to them. Totally agree there are lots of normal people, it's just finding them. Thanks for the advice!

unhappys10 · 05-09-2020 07:40PM

Online dating is here to stay whether some posters on here like it or not.

I met my wife on Plenty of Fish, we're married 2.5 years and I'm currently lying beside our 15 month old daughter getting her off to sleep.

So suggestions of delete this or don't use that are not helpful at all and I suspect come from people who tried it and lucked out.

OP, finding someone takes time, I went through a lot of dates before I met the right girl.
Stick at it, someone will come along.

Tippy101 · 05-09-2020 07:42PM

Angletime wrote: »

Learn to meet men in real life, say hello, flirt and take it further if you like him.

I've met lots of guys in real life too but that's a bit more challenging during covid times ...I think everyone is assuming my experience is down to using tinder but I know of so many success stories from apps so I think everything in moderation. Maybe I need to get better at picking the right guys!!

Tippy101 · 05-09-2020 07:48PM

unhappys10 wrote: »

Online dating is here to stay whether some posters on here like it or not.

I met my wife on Plenty of Fish, we're married 2.5 years and I'm currently lying beside our 15 month old daughter getting her off to sleep.

So suggestions of delete this or don't use that are not helpful at all and I suspect come from people who tried it and lucked out.

OP, finding someone takes time, I went through a lot of dates before I met the right girl.
Stick at it, someone will come along.

Love to hear stories like this ðŸ‘I'll keep at it, thanks!

unhappys10 · 05-09-2020 08:02PM

Tippy101 wrote: »

Love to hear stories like this ðŸ‘I'll keep at it, thanks!

No prob.

I think it was mentioned above but holding off on any sexual activity will filter out a lot of the type who are out for one thing.
It works!

bobbyy gee · 05-09-2020 08:04PM

Tinder is more hook up site not long term commitment maybe you should talk more online . I take it the other person broke it off with you. When that happens it's harder to trust other people

Airyfairy12 · 05-09-2020 08:29PM

Angletime wrote: »

Learn to meet men in real life, say hello, flirt and take it further if you like him.

It's easier said than done when Tinder has nearly replaced the old way of dating and meeting people.
Where is she supposed to meet these men to flirt with? Dating doesnt really work like that anymore.

Tippy101 · 05-09-2020 08:37PM

bobbyy gee wrote: »

Tinder is more hook up site not long term commitment maybe you should talk more online . I take it the other person broke it off with you. When that happens it's harder to trust other people

If you could call deafening silence breaking up then yes!! No response is the break up of choice at the moment. It can be hard to trust people when you have bad experiences but you just have to remember there are good uns out there and you've just had a lucky escape. I know many relationships from meeting on tinder and other apps and many hookups - pretty much like real life. There are no absolutes.

Katgurl · 05-09-2020 09:56PM

JustAThought wrote: »

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

I met my fiance and father of my child on it. I told him and everyone else I chatted to straight off I wasn't interested in hookups and I had loads of guys interested in dating me.

ILoveYourVibes · 06-09-2020 08:14AM

Analise how the dates are going?

Why they didn't feel chemistry ....why you two didn't connect etc?

Dating is not really the way things go ..its just hanging out ...you have to be mates first.

unhappys10 · 06-09-2020 09:24AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Analise how the dates are going?

Why they didn't feel chemistry ....why you two didn't connect etc?

Dating is not really the way things go ..its just hanging out ...you have to be mates first.

Bad advice.
You'd drive yourself mad analysing why someone you only just met and know nothing about decided to stop messaging or talking.

They could be out for one thing.
They could be attached already and looking for something on the side.
They may be chatting to several people and choose to continue with someone else.

Any amount of reasons but it boils down to the same for the OP, forget and move on.

If they do that don't spend another second on them.

Dating is definitely the way things go for most people.

Tippy101 · 06-09-2020 10:48AM

unhappys10 wrote: »

Bad advice.
You'd drive yourself mad analysing why someone you only just met and know nothing about decided to stop messaging or talking.

They could be out for one thing.
They could be attached already and looking for something on the side.
They may be chatting to several people and choose to continue with someone else.

Any amount of reasons but it boils down to the same for the OP, forget and move on.

If they do that don't spend another second on them.

Dating is definitely the way things go for most people.

Yep, fairly certain he was out for one thing. Dates were great, there was chemistry, lots of contact and he disappeared after I put the breaks on, literally the day after. I don't think its rocket science. Analysing why a guy you met a few times doesn't want to progress something is a waste of time. You can't be everything to everyone. My main issue I think is that I'm picking the types who are only out for one thing. Really should be better at spotting this at this stage so I'm more disappointed in myself than anything!

06-09-2020 10:52AM

Tippy101 wrote: »

Really should be better at spotting this at this stage so I'm more disappointed in myself than anything!

Every couple of months there's a thread here with girls saying the same thing..You can't really blame yourself.. The whole thing is pretty grim out there at the minute.. best of luck with it.. hope you find what you are looking for..

Thelonious Monk · 06-09-2020 11:15AM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

It's easier said than done when Tinder has nearly replaced the old way of dating and meeting people.
Where is she supposed to meet these men to flirt with? Dating doesnt really work like that anymore.

Exactly, where's a woman in her late 30s supposed to meet someone nowadays especially with COVID etc?
Also I'm in her age range, are these apps really full of men just looking for sex? Because I've never come across one woman just looking for sex on any of the apps!

unhappys10 · 06-09-2020 11:25AM

Tippy101 wrote: »

Yep, fairly certain he was out for one thing. Dates were great, there was chemistry, lots of contact and he disappeared after I put the breaks on, literally the day after. I don't think its rocket science. Analysing why a guy you met a few times doesn't want to progress something is a waste of time. You can't be everything to everyone. My main issue I think is that I'm picking the types who are only out for one thing. Really should be better at spotting this at this stage so I'm more disappointed in myself than anything!

No I wouldn't blame yourself at all.
These lads know how to play the game, to say and do the right things to get what they want. You could be seeing perfect boyfriend material as that's what they want you to see.

By holding off on any sexual activity as I said before, you will filter out these types. They will be talking to multiple girls and if they aren't getting what they want they will move on quite quickly as you experienced.

Definitely don't beat yourself up about it, unfortunately it is just part of the whole dating game, online dating just made it easier for them.

All of the above is coming from a man who spent time on the apps. I was out of a long term relationship so I wasn't looking for anything serious and I was up front about this.
One girl for example was looking for more, I could have slept with her but I didn't as I knew I didn't want what she wanted. There were no shortage of girls who wanted the no strings thing so no way was I using this girl for something that I could have gotten without the drama attached from elsewhere.

There are still some good lads out there, don't let the d1ckheads tar us all with the same brush. But unfortunately you will have to filter through them to find what you want.

I'd suggest Tinder, which can result in serious relationships is more so a hook up site and it might be better to stick to more relationship centered sites/apps to meet like minded people.
I'm out of the loop these days so not sure which ones are good or not.

But the big takeaway from this advice is to hold off on putting out, lads after one thing will move on, lads wanting more will understand and if they're right they'll wait.

completedit · 06-09-2020 12:53PM

I think you should stop seeing it as race to find a relationship. I know it's hard; since the whole point is to meet someone and find love but I think this is too outcome dependent. Have to train yourself to enjoy just meeting new people and enjoying the experience in the here and now

Dating in late thirties with no success

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