Dating in late thirties with no success

Tippy101

Hi all, this is my first post here and hoping for some constructive /objective advice.
I've been single about two years now and back on dating scene for just over a year. I'm fully over my ex and ready to meet someone new with a view to long term. I'm dating pretty exclusively online these days and using tinder but with the same bad results.
I get to date three or four and the guy disappears. I might get a text a week later to say they're not ready for a relationship but usually it's a ghosting situation or responses that are totally lacking in enthusiasm which gets the message across. In a couple of instances I was quite interested and thought he was too so it was disappointing when it ended.
I feel like I must be doing something wrong as everyone else I know seems to be meeting their partners more easily. Or maybe I'm just unlucky?

TP_CM

Tippy101 wrote: »

Hi all, this is my first post here and hoping for some constructive /objective advice.
I've been single about two years now and back on dating scene for just over a year. I'm fully over my ex and ready to meet someone new with a view to long term. I'm dating pretty exclusively online these days and using tinder but with the same bad results.
I get to date three or four and the guy disappears. I might get a text a week later to say they're not ready for a relationship but usually it's a ghosting situation or responses that are totally lacking in enthusiasm which gets the message across. In a couple of instances I was quite interested and thought he was too so it was disappointing when it ended.
I feel like I must be doing something wrong as everyone else I know seems to be meeting their partners more easily. Or maybe I'm just unlucky?

Have you tried Hinge? Some of my friends have had more success on that app because it's more upfront and you get more information about the other person.

If they're the ones walking away it's more a reflection on where they're at rather than you. All I can say is make the most of yourself, be honest, open minded, loving and caring, know what you like and don't like, and be as optimistic as possible. I know it's not possible every day but it's a good aim to begin with. After that it's just the numbers game. Trust the process and keep dating as many people as possible. I know it's hard but if you keep going I know it will happen for you. And by the way, while it's tiring, one benefit of dating many people before finding your match is that you gain more knowledge about what you want. This makes it easier to identify the person in the end, making for a better relationship.

Tippy101

Thank you I have tried hinge and did meet a couple guys there and similar experiences though one did eventually text to say he wasn't in the right place for a relationship which was totally fine (and probably obvious to me in hindsight but I ignored). I don't find hinge as easy tbh.
I'm trying to be all the things you say as your attitude is so important and in the main I'm a positive optimistic person but I've just been ghosted again and that's prompted me to post here. Date three and he expected us to sleep together which I wasn't ready for. I want to take little more time to make sure I actually like the guy before I jump into bed. It would be so easy to just go with it but that hasn't served me well in the past. So he disappeared whether for that reason or another, who knows!

TP_CM

Tippy101 wrote: »

Thank you I have tried hinge and did meet a couple guys there and similar experiences though one did eventually text to say he wasn't in the right place for a relationship which was totally fine (and probably obvious to me in hindsight but I ignored). I don't find hinge as easy tbh.
I'm trying to be all the things you say as your attitude is so important and in the main I'm a positive optimistic person but I've just been ghosted again and that's prompted me to post here. Date three and he expected us to sleep together which I wasn't ready for. I want to take little more time to make sure I actually like the guy before I jump into bed. It would be so easy to just go with it but that hasn't served me well in the past. So he disappeared whether for that reason or another, who knows!

Speaking as a guy who met his now wife on Tinder about 4 years ago, you are doing completely the right thing by waiting until later to sleep with anyone. The right guy will 100% appreciate and understand this. I know it's unusual for guys but I was the same as you and so was my wife. We had discussed it and from my perspective it was one way I could show the dating world that I'm ready for more than just sleeping with people. It kind of puts the relationship in the right gear from the get go. I think you're doing everything right, just keep going with the dating and it will happen for you.

Tippy101

TP_CM wrote: »

Speaking as a guy who met his now wife on Tinder about 4 years ago, you are doing completely the right thing by waiting until later to sleep with anyone. The right guy will 100% appreciate and understand this. I know it's unusual for guys but I was the same as you and so was my wife. We had discussed it and from my perspective it was one way I could show the dating world that I'm ready for more than just sleeping with people. It kind of puts the relationship in the right gear from the get go. I think you're doing everything right, just keep going with the dating and it will happen for you.

This is good to hear, objectively , from someone who doesn't know me and who isn't biased! It's also so good to hear that that worked and made sense for you and your wife. I will keep going, I'm getting closer and closer to forty and I do get disillusioned but I just need to shake it off. The funny thing is, though I did like a couple of these guys, I was by no means crazy about any of them and yet when it doesn't work out its disappointing. Its like the hope of something being gone rather than the person being gone that gets me down. I'm placing far too much emphasis on it most likely.

JasonStatham

Delete Tinder and use traditional methods to meet someone in a less error prone way. God knows where...meetups, with peoole with similar outlook or hobbies? Things like Salsa dancing?

God, I hate Tinder. I got rid of it ages ago. My brother has Tinder. I told him to get rid of it. Man, I try to discourage as many people from using Tinder, as humanly possible. It's morally dubious and culturally vacuous. Wow, I have surpassed myself in this thread haha.

J Mysterio

JasonStatham wrote: »

Delete Tinder and use traditional methods to meet someone in a less error prone way. God knows where...meetups, with peoole with similar outlook or hobbies? Things like Salsa dancing?

God, I hate Tinder. I got rid of it ages ago. My brother has Tinder. I told him to get rid of it. Man, I try to discourage as many people from using Tinder, as humanly possible. It's morally dubious and culturally vacuous. Wow, I have surpassed myself in this thread haha.

We are living in Covid world you know? Chances to meet people in the old ways are now significantly reduced. Salsa dancing is not something that is happening.

Like it or loathe it, Tinder is basically now one of the best ways to meet people.

JustAThought

J Mysterio wrote: »

We are living in Covid world you know? Chances to meet people in the old ways are now significantly reduced. Salsa dancing is not something that is happening.

Like it or loathe it, Tinder is basically now one of the best ways to meet people.

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

Tippy101

J Mysterio wrote: »

We are living in Covid world you know? Chances to meet people in the old ways are now significantly reduced. Salsa dancing is not something that is happening.

Like it or loathe it, Tinder is basically now one of the best ways to meet people.

This !! I'd love to never open another dating app again but the reality is that people do meet there and form healthy relationships. There's room for everything. Pre covid I would meet people while out but no greater success rate and I'm still single. As for salsa, tried it - great exercise, not so good for dating!

Tippy101

JasonStatham wrote: »

Delete Tinder and use traditional methods to meet someone in a less error prone way. God knows where...meetups, with peoole with similar outlook or hobbies? Things like Salsa dancing?

God, I hate Tinder. I got rid of it ages ago. My brother has Tinder. I told him to get rid of it. Man, I try to discourage as many people from using Tinder, as humanly possible. It's morally dubious and culturally vacuous. Wow, I have surpassed myself in this thread haha.

I take your point and I'm a pretty active person and in a normal world, pre or post covid I am out and about but right now dating apps are it and I do know people who have met their partners there, increasingly so. Its hugely error prone, I agree and my experience is testament to that but I'm not going to put my life on hold until this virus is gone so I need to give it a go and be as optimistic as I can be.

J Mysterio

JustAThought wrote: »

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

That's complete nonsense. Tinder is people who want to meet people, there's all sorts.

Airyfairy12

It's so hard to meet people these days and I really hate Tinder, I feel like it's ruined dating, people think they have hundreds of options and that the grass is greener with someone else so they dont give relationships or really getting to know someone a chance.
My only suggestion is to try and meet someone through your friend group, going out and socialising and meeting people face to face, easier said than done in our current covid world but as far as Tinder goes, its depressing to say the least.

KrustyUCC

JustAThought wrote: »

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

I know three couples getting married this year who met on Tinder

Yes it can be for hook-up sex but it can also be lead to so much more

Tricky one OP in some ways OP

you don't want to sleep with a guy until you get to know him better

Perfectly fine but that does put some people off

2 of the couples I mentioned above slept together on the first date and they never looked back

However I'd just keep going with what you're doing and comfortable with as you never knows whats around the corner

Keep organising dates and getting to know the person and hopefully it will all click for you

Thelonious Monk

The dating apps are great, just dont invest your whole life in them. You'll have to deal with all sorts on them but there are good normal people on there too, it just takes loads of dates to meet someone you click with. Keep at it OP, but just try and be happy with or without a partner. I've no doubt if you keep going on dates it'll work for you eventually. I used to take breaks from the apps for a few months, it helps. It's not Tinders fault the world is full of flakes and dishonesty and arseholes. Hate the players, not the game!

Tippy101

KrustyUCC wrote: »

I know three couples getting married this year who met on Tinder

Yes it can be for hook-up sex but it can also be lead to so much more

Tricky one OP in some ways OP

you don't want to sleep with a guy until you get to know him better

Perfectly fine but that does put some people off

2 of the couples I mentioned above slept together on the first date and they never looked back

However I'd just keep going with what you're doing and comfortable with as you never knows whats around the corner

Keep organising dates and getting to know the person and hopefully it will all click for you

Thanks for the response! It is tricky, I'd love to be able to just go with it if it feels right and I know that it can be an issue for some if you put the breaks on but it's not a case of wanting to wait months before sleeping together, maybe a couple more dates at most so I'm sure he's a solid guy and I know I actually like him and see potential. I have slept with guys sooner in the past but often got burnt. I don't know that there is a right answer to this one, just what feels right for each person in each situation. Waiting past date three was clearly an issue for the last guy as hes disappeared but then that tells me all I need to know I suppose!

Tippy101

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

The dating apps are great, just dont invest your whole life in them. You'll have to deal with all sorts on them but there are good normal people on there too, it just takes loads of dates to meet someone you click with. Keep at it OP, but just try and be happy with or without a partner. I've no doubt if you keep going on dates it'll work for you eventually. I used to take breaks from the apps for a few months, it helps. It's not Tinders fault the world is full of flakes and dishonesty and arseholes. Hate the players, not the game!

advice
Breaks are very necessary and I do ave a fairly balanced approach to them. Totally agree there are lots of normal people, it's just finding them. Thanks for the advice!

unhappys10

Online dating is here to stay whether some posters on here like it or not.

I met my wife on Plenty of Fish, we're married 2.5 years and I'm currently lying beside our 15 month old daughter getting her off to sleep.

So suggestions of delete this or don't use that are not helpful at all and I suspect come from people who tried it and lucked out.

OP, finding someone takes time, I went through a lot of dates before I met the right girl.
Stick at it, someone will come along.

Tippy101

Angletime wrote: »

Learn to meet men in real life, say hello, flirt and take it further if you like him.

I've met lots of guys in real life too but that's a bit more challenging during covid times ...I think everyone is assuming my experience is down to using tinder but I know of so many success stories from apps so I think everything in moderation. Maybe I need to get better at picking the right guys!!

Tippy101

unhappys10 wrote: »

Online dating is here to stay whether some posters on here like it or not.

I met my wife on Plenty of Fish, we're married 2.5 years and I'm currently lying beside our 15 month old daughter getting her off to sleep.

So suggestions of delete this or don't use that are not helpful at all and I suspect come from people who tried it and lucked out.

OP, finding someone takes time, I went through a lot of dates before I met the right girl.
Stick at it, someone will come along.

Love to hear stories like this ðŸ‘I'll keep at it, thanks!

unhappys10

Tippy101 wrote: »

Love to hear stories like this ðŸ‘I'll keep at it, thanks!

No prob.

I think it was mentioned above but holding off on any sexual activity will filter out a lot of the type who are out for one thing.
It works!

bobbyy gee

Tinder is more hook up site not long term commitment maybe you should talk more online . I take it the other person broke it off with you. When that happens it's harder to trust other people

Airyfairy12

Angletime wrote: »

Learn to meet men in real life, say hello, flirt and take it further if you like him.

It's easier said than done when Tinder has nearly replaced the old way of dating and meeting people.
Where is she supposed to meet these men to flirt with? Dating doesnt really work like that anymore.

Tippy101

bobbyy gee wrote: »

Tinder is more hook up site not long term commitment maybe you should talk more online . I take it the other person broke it off with you. When that happens it's harder to trust other people

If you could call deafening silence breaking up then yes!! No response is the break up of choice at the moment. It can be hard to trust people when you have bad experiences but you just have to remember there are good uns out there and you've just had a lucky escape. I know many relationships from meeting on tinder and other apps and many hookups - pretty much like real life. There are no absolutes.

Katgurl

JustAThought wrote: »

Tinder? Its a bootycall for sex not for relationships. don’t kid yourself into thinking people use it for much more than free unpaid hook-up sex. I certainly wouldn’t be expecting anything more than that from it.

I met my fiance and father of my child on it. I told him and everyone else I chatted to straight off I wasn't interested in hookups and I had loads of guys interested in dating me.

ILoveYourVibes

Analise how the dates are going?

Why they didn't feel chemistry ....why you two didn't connect etc?

Dating is not really the way things go ..its just hanging out ...you have to be mates first.

unhappys10

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Analise how the dates are going?

Why they didn't feel chemistry ....why you two didn't connect etc?

Dating is not really the way things go ..its just hanging out ...you have to be mates first.

Bad advice.
You'd drive yourself mad analysing why someone you only just met and know nothing about decided to stop messaging or talking.

They could be out for one thing.
They could be attached already and looking for something on the side.
They may be chatting to several people and choose to continue with someone else.

Any amount of reasons but it boils down to the same for the OP, forget and move on.

If they do that don't spend another second on them.

Dating is definitely the way things go for most people.

Tippy101

unhappys10 wrote: »

Bad advice.
You'd drive yourself mad analysing why someone you only just met and know nothing about decided to stop messaging or talking.

They could be out for one thing.
They could be attached already and looking for something on the side.
They may be chatting to several people and choose to continue with someone else.

Any amount of reasons but it boils down to the same for the OP, forget and move on.

If they do that don't spend another second on them.

Dating is definitely the way things go for most people.

Yep, fairly certain he was out for one thing. Dates were great, there was chemistry, lots of contact and he disappeared after I put the breaks on, literally the day after. I don't think its rocket science. Analysing why a guy you met a few times doesn't want to progress something is a waste of time. You can't be everything to everyone. My main issue I think is that I'm picking the types who are only out for one thing. Really should be better at spotting this at this stage so I'm more disappointed in myself than anything!

Tippy101

Tippy101 wrote: »

Really should be better at spotting this at this stage so I'm more disappointed in myself than anything!

Every couple of months there's a thread here with girls saying the same thing..You can't really blame yourself.. The whole thing is pretty grim out there at the minute.. best of luck with it.. hope you find what you are looking for..

Thelonious Monk

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

It's easier said than done when Tinder has nearly replaced the old way of dating and meeting people.
Where is she supposed to meet these men to flirt with? Dating doesnt really work like that anymore.

Exactly, where's a woman in her late 30s supposed to meet someone nowadays especially with COVID etc?
Also I'm in her age range, are these apps really full of men just looking for sex? Because I've never come across one woman just looking for sex on any of the apps!

unhappys10

Tippy101 wrote: »

Yep, fairly certain he was out for one thing. Dates were great, there was chemistry, lots of contact and he disappeared after I put the breaks on, literally the day after. I don't think its rocket science. Analysing why a guy you met a few times doesn't want to progress something is a waste of time. You can't be everything to everyone. My main issue I think is that I'm picking the types who are only out for one thing. Really should be better at spotting this at this stage so I'm more disappointed in myself than anything!

No I wouldn't blame yourself at all.
These lads know how to play the game, to say and do the right things to get what they want. You could be seeing perfect boyfriend material as that's what they want you to see.

By holding off on any sexual activity as I said before, you will filter out these types. They will be talking to multiple girls and if they aren't getting what they want they will move on quite quickly as you experienced.

Definitely don't beat yourself up about it, unfortunately it is just part of the whole dating game, online dating just made it easier for them.

All of the above is coming from a man who spent time on the apps. I was out of a long term relationship so I wasn't looking for anything serious and I was up front about this.
One girl for example was looking for more, I could have slept with her but I didn't as I knew I didn't want what she wanted. There were no shortage of girls who wanted the no strings thing so no way was I using this girl for something that I could have gotten without the drama attached from elsewhere.

There are still some good lads out there, don't let the d1ckheads tar us all with the same brush. But unfortunately you will have to filter through them to find what you want.

I'd suggest Tinder, which can result in serious relationships is more so a hook up site and it might be better to stick to more relationship centered sites/apps to meet like minded people.
I'm out of the loop these days so not sure which ones are good or not.

But the big takeaway from this advice is to hold off on putting out, lads after one thing will move on, lads wanting more will understand and if they're right they'll wait.

completedit

I think you should stop seeing it as race to find a relationship. I know it's hard; since the whole point is to meet someone and find love but I think this is too outcome dependent. Have to train yourself to enjoy just meeting new people and enjoying the experience in the here and now

Tippy101

Katgurl wrote: »

I met my fiance and father of my child on it. I told him and everyone else I chatted to straight off I wasn't interested in hookups and I had loads of guys interested in dating me.

Maybe I need to be more upfront like you!! Good to hear another positive outcome.

Tippy101

completedit wrote: »

I think you should stop seeing it as race to find a relationship. I know it's hard; since the whole point is to meet someone and find love but I think this is too outcome dependent. Have to train yourself to enjoy just meeting new people and enjoying the experience in the here and now

I stopped thinking like that a long time ago but at the same time I want to meet men who are in the same page as me so that I can get out of this cycle that I've found myself in. I'm not looking to marry anyone tomorrow, I just want to get beyond this rut of a few dates and poof so I can actually experience the fun of getting to know someone well, share experiences and feel like I'm making good choices and moving in the right direction. Your advice is good though! Important not to be too focused on the end game.

Tippy101

unhappys10 wrote: »

No I wouldn't blame yourself at all.
These lads know how to play the game, to say and do the right things to get what they want. You could be seeing perfect boyfriend material as that's what they want you to see.

By holding off on any sexual activity as I said before, you will filter out these types. They will be talking to multiple girls and if they aren't getting what they want they will move on quite quickly as you experienced.

Definitely don't beat yourself up about it, unfortunately it is just part of the whole dating game, online dating just made it easier for them.

All of the above is coming from a man who spent time on the apps. I was out of a long term relationship so I wasn't looking for anything serious and I was up front about this.
One girl for example was looking for more, I could have slept with her but I didn't as I knew I didn't want what she wanted. There were no shortage of girls who wanted the no strings thing so no way was I using this girl for something that I could have gotten without the drama attached from elsewhere.

There are still some good lads out there, don't let the d1ckheads tar us all with the same brush. But unfortunately you will have to filter through them to find what you want.

I'd suggest Tinder, which can result in serious relationships is more so a hook up site and it might be better to stick to more relationship centered sites/apps to meet like minded people.
I'm out of the loop these days so not sure which ones are good or not.

But the big takeaway from this advice is to hold off on putting out, lads after one thing will move on, lads wanting more will understand and if they're right they'll wait.

Thanks for this. We can all be too hard on ourselves and I know there are good guys out there, I just need to get better at finding them. Really good to get advice from a male perspective. Perhaps I'm not being forthright enough from the beginning about what my expectations are and need to become clearer in that. Tried other apps, the same people are pretty much on all of them so I'm not sure it makes a difference but definitely something to consider.

ILoveYourVibes

unhappys10 wrote: »

Bad advice.
You'd drive yourself mad analysing why someone you only just met and know nothing about decided to stop messaging or talking.

They could be out for one thing.
They could be attached already and looking for something on the side.
They may be chatting to several people and choose to continue with someone else.

Any amount of reasons but it boils down to the same for the OP, forget and move on.

If they do that don't spend another second on them.

Dating is definitely the way things go for most people.

I don't mean in order to please them.

But self examination.

Tippy101

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Every couple of months there's a thread here with girls saying the same thing..You can't really blame yourself.. The whole thing is pretty grim out there at the minute.. best of luck with it.. hope you find what you are looking for..

Thank you. I was fairly certain I wouldn't be the only woman posting about these problems -:)

Airyfairy12

Tippy101 wrote: »

Thank you. I was fairly certain I wouldn't be the only woman posting about these problems -:)

Youre not, my friend broke up with her partner of 10 years one year ago, when she was with him I always felt that she was secretly looking down on me/feeling sorry for me for being single like I was doing something wrong to turn men off.
She tried dating the old fashioned way but couldnt get a date so she joined tinder and for the first couple of weeks felt great, so many men were matching with her and talking to her, thought she'd find someone new to date in no time, within a couple of months she became so jaded with dating and tinder she deleted the app, between men just looking for hookups, men just looking for a pen pal making no effort to meet up and the few men she did date had crazy amount of red flags, she gave up for her mental health.
She told me she sees now what its like dating and how soul destroying it is, and said she can see what all her single friends are complaining about, feeling used, judged and feeling compared to instagram models, just never being good enough for men and she is someone with very high self esteem.
Just to add she's extremely attractive with her own house, a car and works for her family's business, when we go out together she turns heads, men might come over and talk to her but just like on Tinder, they were looking for a hook up or it just didnt go anywhere, probably flirting just for fun or the ego boost?.

I really believe in self improvement and having good sense of self awareness but theres only so much you can do when it comes to dating when so many have crazy high standards, only want hook ups or make no effort to go on dates/get to know you.

Tippy101

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Youre not, my friend broke up with her partner of 10 years one year ago, when she was with him I always felt that she was secretly looking down on me/feeling sorry for me for being single like I was doing something wrong to turn men off.
She tried dating the old fashioned way but couldnt get a date so she joined tinder and for the first couple of weeks felt great, so many men were matching with her and talking to her, thought she'd find someone new to date in no time, within a couple of months she became so jaded with dating and tinder she deleted the app, between men just looking for hookups, men just looking for a pen pal making no effort to meet up and the few men she did date had crazy amount of red flags, she gave up for her mental health.
She told me she sees now what its like dating and how soul destroying it is, and said she can see what all her single friends are complaining about, feeling used, judged and feeling compared to instagram models, just never being good enough for men and she is someone with very high self esteem.
Just to add she's extremely attractive with her own house, a car and works for her family's business, when we go out together she turns heads, men might come over and talk to her but just like on Tinder, they were looking for a hook up or it just didnt go anywhere, probably flirting just for fun or the ego boost?.

I really believe in self improvement and having good sense of self awareness but theres only so much you can do when it comes to dating when so many have crazy high standards, only want hook ups or make no effort to go on dates/get to know you.

I feel your pain and your friends. As someone posted earlier on this thread, these experiences say much more about the men than they do about you and your friend or any of us and it's important to remember that. Every time I get jaded from dating I think about all the good relationships out there and the good men I know. I think that luck and consistency and being open minded and optimistic all play a part. I actually think looks have very little to do with it if I'm honest, it's more about confidence and how you present yourself and knowing what you want. I've gotten to the age where I know what I want and I'm not going to settle for less and there's a power in that that helps me to get past all the guys who mess me around! There are those decent ones out there, I'm sure of that so keep positive and open to it.

YellowLead

I am in a similar boat - single since January after a long term relationship break up, now age 36.
Can’t wait for post covid life to return but even when it does I feel I’ll still be using the apps as part of the mix though I find them exhausting! I have dated a lot - but nothing that lasted beyond a few weeks. It’s extra tough for women in late 30s as a lot of guys age 35 to 40 are looking for younger women, the over 40s are often single by choice and it’s a hard slog to find ones you click with as numbers are low. It does comfort me knowing others are going through the same as sometimes I get very upset about it. I’m not rushing to jump into marriage and I already have a son so I don’t feel any desire to have children is accelerating my need - but I just really want to spend a few months getting to know and having fun with somebody and if it goes further great and if not so be it. But I’ve never gone past that initial couple of weeks heading for exclusivity phase. I used to wonder if it was me, but hearing countless stories of others in the same boat and also the positive stories of people who eventually find someone, makes me feel better! I think so many people online are chatting to and dating with lots of people and sometimes others just take their fancy more and that’s just life.

Sardonicat

YellowLead wrote: »

I am in a similar boat - single since January after a long term relationship break up, now age 36.
Can’t wait for post covid life to return but even when it does I feel I’ll still be using the apps as part of the mix though I find them exhausting! I have dated a lot - but nothing that lasted beyond a few weeks. It’s extra tough for women in late 30s as a lot of guys age 35 to 40 are looking for younger women, the over 40s are often single by choice and it’s a hard slog to find ones you click with as numbers are low. It does comfort me knowing others are going through the same as sometimes I get very upset about it. I’m not rushing to jump into marriage and I already have a son so I don’t feel any desire to have children is accelerating my need - but I just really want to spend a few months getting to know and having fun with somebody and if it goes further great and if not so be it.

Dont rule out younger men. If you're not necessarily looking for a life partner but are looking for fun and a deeper connection spread your net a bit wider.

YellowLead

Sardonicat wrote: »

Dont rule out younger men. If you're not necessarily looking for a life partner but are looking for fun and a deeper connection spread your net a bit wider.

This is a fair point and true enough. I don’t rule them out when meeting people in real life. However the reality is that I find I am usually more compatible with men the same age or older as a rule, and if I switch my tinder to include younger men my feed is flooded with them and it takes a really long time to review, when in the majority of cases it’s the older men I prefer. But I have met some younger men before lockdown and I won’t rule them out when we can all socialise again.
Although what I will say is I don’t want to be somebodies older woman experience - it amused me when I matched with somebody who said they were 35 like me but after a couple of messages he confessed he was only 30 but was looking for the older woman experience - as if I’d be any different! I saw the funny side but needless to say did not pursue.

Sardonicat

YellowLead wrote: »

This is a fair point and true enough. I don’t rule them out when meeting people in real life. However the reality is that I find I am usually more compatible with men the same age or older as a rule, and if I switch my tinder to include younger men my feed is flooded with them and it takes a really long time to review, when in the majority of cases it’s the older men I prefer. But I have met some younger men before lockdown and I won’t rule them out when we can all socialise again.
Although what I will say is I don’t want to be somebodies older woman experience - it amused me when I matched with somebody who said they were 35 like me but after a couple of messages he confessed he was only 30 but was looking for the older woman experience - as if I’d be any different! I saw the funny side but needless to say did not pursue.

I hear you there! With more potential dates you are also inviting more nuisance.

fin12

Very little to no contact between dates? Anyone know what’s the point of this or just person is not one bit bothered but will still go on a date?

As in if the next date is arranged it’s like they think there’s no point to talk anymore till the meeting.

Airyfairy12

fin12 wrote: »

Very little to no contact between dates? Anyone know what’s the point of this or just person is not one bit bothered but will still go on a date?

As in if the next date is arranged it’s like they think there’s no point to talk anymore till the meeting.

This is so common now too, was recently texting a guy, he was full of chat up until we arranged a date for the week after Christmas. I text him the next day but getting conversation out of him was like pulling teeth yet he still wants to go on a date? As per usual most of our conversations that we did have, revolved mostly around him. I know exactly what he does for work, I know about his family, where he lives, his favorite food & movies, what he likes/dislikes in dating, he's even sent pictures of his apartment.
He knows that I can cook and has a general idea of what my job is but had no interest in finding out about anything that I do.
So now we're going to ignore each other until we're meant to be meeting up? Makes it feel so awkward and weird when we do go on a date.

fin12

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

This is so common now too, was recently texting a guy, he was full of chat up until we arranged a date for the week after Christmas. I text him the next day but getting conversation out of him was like pulling teeth yet he still wants to go on a date? As per usual most of our conversations that we did have, revolved mostly around him. I know exactly what he does for work, I know about his family, where he lives, his favorite food & movies, what he likes/dislikes in dating, he's even sent pictures of his apartment.
He knows that I can cook and has a general idea of what my job is but had no interest in finding out about anything that I do.
So now we're going to ignore each other until we're meant to be meeting up? Makes it feel so awkward and weird when we do go on a date.

To be honest I’m half thinking am I better just to cancel cause I really don’t see the point in not communicating between meeting up and I really liked him after the first date but his lack of initiating contact has turned me off him so what’s the point?

Airyfairy12

fin12 wrote: »

To be honest I’m half thinking am I better just to cancel cause I really don’t see the point in not communicating between meeting up and I really liked him after the first date but his lack of initiating contact has turned me off him so what’s the point?

Exactly, relationships and connections are built over time through continuous communication, its going to fizzle out naturally if theres not effort made on both sides to keep the communication going.
Theres only so much you can do, sounds like youve done your part and he's not meeting you half way.

YellowLead

fin12 wrote: »

To be honest I’m half thinking am I better just to cancel cause I really don’t see the point in not communicating between meeting up and I really liked him after the first date but his lack of initiating contact has turned me off him so what’s the point?

It could be the case that his interest has been piqued by somebody else and that’s who he is caught up in texting, and he is sort of stringing you along in case things don’t work out with the other person. Not saying that’s it but it’s a possibility, it’s happened to me!

fin12

fin12 wrote: »

Very little to no contact between dates? Anyone know what’s the point of this or just person is not one bit bothered but will still go on a date?

As in if the next date is arranged it’s like they think there’s no point to talk anymore till the meeting.

Dating in my late thirties too and I've usually given these type of guys the benefit of the doubt (maybe they're busy/shy/just not a talker/nursing a broken heart etc.) and honestly I wish I hadn't bothered 100% of the time. Mediocre pleasant dates aren't worth the effort imo. Your gut is usually spot on about these things!

I don't know if they're just social daters or don't know how to let a woman know they're not interested but whatever it is....next.

fin12

Deleted User wrote: »

Dating in my late thirties too and I've usually given these type of guys the benefit of the doubt (maybe they're busy/shy/just not a talker/nursing a broken heart etc.) and honestly I wish I hadn't bothered 100% of the time. Mediocre pleasant dates aren't worth the effort imo. Your gut is usually spot on about these things!

I don't know if they're just social daters or don't know how to let a woman know they're not interested but whatever it is....next.

Yes so true, I’m in early thirties but feel it’s not specific to any age as feel dating nowadays is extremely hard. Listening. To gut when dating is very good advice. Sometimes I think these guys are just looking to have a nice evening , getting out of the house and it’s not about meeting me, could be with anyone. Anyway save to say I won’t be taking this further, I actually want to communicate with someone I’m trying to get to know.