Cousin being massively inappropriate

eviltwin · 02-09-2020 07:35PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Okay , I see your point.

But the op said he was inappropriate, that does not make him a sex pest? Which ties into my suggestion that the op might be better off being subtle with him.

He may not have " his habits " as you are insinuating. People phuck up and say and do stupid indefensible chrap all the time. It could be a once off?

My hunch says that if he is a perv the op would have worked that out 25 years ago, they are in their 40's now?

How else would you describe a man who has lost his job for being inappropriate and sending photos? And who is now doing the same to his cousin?

The OP has done nothing wrong and yet you seem to be giving more consideration to the guy making her feel uncomfortable. She doesn’t owe him anything

IAMAMORON · 02-09-2020 07:37PM

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

It isn't a once off.

The OP's aunt told her

No , she shared her predicament with her aunt. Her aunt did not reinforce her concerns of similar behaviours with other family members.... unless I missed something?

And op, i am not criticising you sharing this issue with your aunt, that is what family is for in my book. However you should be able to trust her confidence?

eviltwin · 02-09-2020 07:42PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

No , she shared her predicament with her aunt. Her aunt did not reinforce her concerns of similar behaviours with other family members.... unless I missed something?

And op, i am not criticising you sharing this issue with your aunt, that is what family is for in my book. However you should be able to trust her confidence?

He’s done it before. The OP said “ No but he's been fired from previous jobs for being inappropriate and sent inappropriate pictures previously.”

IAMAMORON · 02-09-2020 07:42PM

Familydynamics wrote: »

No but he's been fired from previous jobs for being inappropriate and sent inappropriate pictures previously.

He can't contact me. He's blocked

How many jobs exactly?

IAMAMORON · 02-09-2020 07:46PM

eviltwin wrote: »

He’s done it before. The OP said “ No but he's been fired from previous jobs for being inappropriate and sent inappropriate pictures previously.”

Ok, i missed that bit.

I would have preferred it if the op had inferred that particular nugget in her op.

My bad.

Op he sounds like a basket case. Choose a side and move on, disregard my previous advice. It is councilling he needs by the sounds of things.

LegacyUser · 02-09-2020 07:46PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Okay , I see your point.

But the op said he was inappropriate, that does not make him a sex pest? Which ties into my suggestion that the op might be better off being subtle with him.

He may not have " his habits " as you are insinuating. People phuck up and say and do stupid indefensible chrap all the time. It could be a once off?

My hunch says that if he is a perv the op would have worked that out 25 years ago, they are in their 40's now?

Im in my 30s. And yes he does history and no I knew nothing about any of this until I confided in my aunt

Doesn't make me feel better knowing he's done this before. Of course it doesn't.

IAMAMORON · 02-09-2020 08:04PM

FamilyDynamics wrote: »

Im in my 30s. And yes he does history and no I knew nothing about any of this until I confided in my aunt

Doesn't make me feel better knowing he's done this before. Of course it doesn't.

Op, it has unravelled from an inappropriate advance from a cousin.... to you having to deal with a family member who has a mental issues. I am sorry but losing more than one job for unprofessional conduct ( sending images )should have been enough?

But I am going to put my family hat on again here.

What type of a cousin do you want to be to this cousin of yours at this point? I would understand either course of action you do chose to take.

I would advocate you having words with him and ask ( or even demand ) that he seeks professional help. If he gives you the heebie jeebies drag your aunt along. It could be the reality check he needs.

But dramas and blocking etc. will not help him.

Good luck.

Tork · 02-09-2020 08:15PM

FamilyDynamics wrote: »

Im in my 30s. And yes he does history and no I knew nothing about any of this until I confided in my aunt

Doesn't make me feel better knowing he's done this before. Of course it doesn't.

Families keep secrets and I'd say this won't go any further than the existing grapevine. I wasn't one bit surprised to learn that he has form when it comes to this sort of behaviour. Someone this old doesn't just make comments out of the blue. It's a pain that you're related to him but all you can do now is avoid him at family gatherings. And hope that it's only adults he has harassed...

Psychiatric Patrick · 02-09-2020 08:16PM

FamilyDynamics wrote: »

Im in my 30s. And yes he does history and no I knew nothing about any of this until I confided in my aunt

Doesn't make me feel better knowing he's done this before. Of course it doesn't.

OP, I was not making light of it. I was trying to offer comfort in the fact that he a wierdo in general and not just about your you.

Yes that is stupid. sorry

LegacyUser · 02-09-2020 08:18PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Op, it has unravelled from an inappropriate advance from a cousin.... to you having to deal with a family member who has a mental issues. I am sorry but losing more than one job for unprofessional conduct ( sending images )should have been enough?

But I am going to put my family hat on again here.

What type of a cousin do you want to be to this cousin of yours at this point? I would understand either course of action you do chose to take.

I would advocate you having words with him and ask ( or even demand ) that he seeks professional help. If he gives you the heebie jeebies drag your aunt along. It could be the reality check he needs.

But dramas and blocking etc. will not help him.

Good luck.

If he hasn't learned from previous indiscretions and has now resorted to perving on family members what on earth makes you think this will stop him.

Why are you advising what I should do to help HIM? I did nothing wrong here. Im bloody sick to my stomach with his carry on.

His mother knows his previous form. Let her deal with it. Its not my problem or responsibility to help this guy who is supposed to be my family. I've had enough with his mother and sister.

Psychiatric Patrick · 02-09-2020 08:19PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Op, it has unravelled from an inappropriate advance from a cousin.... to you having to deal with a family member who has a mental issues. I am sorry but losing more than one job for unprofessional conduct ( sending images )should have been enough?

But I am going to put my family hat on again here.

What type of a cousin do you want to be to this cousin of yours at this point? I would understand either course of action you do chose to take.

I would advocate you having words with him and ask ( or even demand ) that he seeks professional help. If he gives you the heebie jeebies drag your aunt along. It could be the reality check he needs.

But dramas and blocking etc. will not help him.

Good luck.

You bounced in with a lot of "advice" but you clearly had not read through the informatio.

However you are still far ahead of the people telling the OP to block him on facebook and brush it under the carpet.

Yes, the issue needs to be confronted, not just for for OP's pac of mind but the cousin to get some help.

qwerty13 · 03-09-2020 01:37AM

In some cultures, marrying a first cousin is perfectly acceptable. As far as I can see, it was very socially acceptable a few generations back in Ireland.

I watched something on U.K. channels a few months back, about first cousins in a close community marrying, and the risk of genetically inherited issues being multiplied. The youngish woman hosting the documentary was basically encouraging people to get genetically tested before having offspring with a genetic close relative.

I think there is a bit of an aversion to hooking up with someone that we’re closely genetically related to, because well we know better know. We know it can exacerbate existing inherited diseases.

To me, the primary issue with the cousin is that he’s being very forward. And that current cultural mores make that very unacceptable from a first cousin. Personally, I think it sounds like he’d come onto anyone. And that he hasn’t the intelligence to see that his inappropriate behaviour with lots of females makes it even worse with a first cousin. I dont think he can see that his behaviour is too much. I’d say he needs to get a very VERY firm no, from a cousin or otherwise.

ILoveYourVibes · 03-09-2020 06:52AM

He's a sociopath.

listermint · 03-09-2020 07:13AM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

How many jobs exactly?

How many jobs ?
Will you give over.

The fella has got the boot from a job for being inappropriate and then also making unwanted advances and on top of that sending pictures. That's not normal in one job let alone two.

He then makes inappropriate advances to his own cousin and I've no doubt photos were next if she hadn't blocked him.

And you give him the benefit of the doubt.

Your 'takes' on this are ridiculous poor.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2020 09:28AM

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He's a sociopath.

There's a few in the family so doesn't surprise me. His mother has a relationship with one of the family member who have been basically been ostricised from the famiy for heinous crimes. Because she still thinks he has good qualities or something or "as a human being" as she would say he has a right to certain things.

I'm so uncomfortable now knowing they are living so close by.

Tork · 03-09-2020 10:15AM

So what do you think he and his mother will do to you? From his viewpoint, all that has happened is that you agreed with him that his carry-on was inappropriate. You've now blocked him on Facebook. The End. I'm sure even his mother would be creeped out if he told her that he'd propositioned his own first cousin.

You can't control who you're related to but you can take steps to ensure you don't meet them very often. That's all you can do really. Turning up at his house demanding that he seeks psychiatric help isn't going to work. For starters, therapy will only work if the person wants it. If losing jobs and getting into trouble for sending inappropriate pictures wasn't enough to lead to changes, this incident isn't going to.

ILoveYourVibes · 03-09-2020 12:28PM

Familydynamics wrote: »

There's a few in the family so doesn't surprise me. His mother has a relationship with one of the family member who have been basically been ostricised from the famiy for heinous crimes. Because she still thinks he has good qualities or something or "as a human being" as she would say he has a right to certain things.

I'm so uncomfortable now knowing they are living so close by.

Be careful.

Psychiatric Patrick · 03-09-2020 03:50PM

Familydynamics wrote: »

There's a few in the family so doesn't surprise me. His mother has a relationship with one of the family member who have been basically been ostricised from the famiy for heinous crimes. Because she still thinks he has good qualities or something or "as a human being" as she would say he has a right to certain things.

I'm so uncomfortable now knowing they are living so close by.

You hadn't seen him in about 5 years so reason why you would meet him for another 5 or ever.

Do you live with someone?

LegacyUser · 03-09-2020 05:58PM

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

You hadn't seen him in about 5 years so reason why you would meet him for another 5 or ever.

Do you live with someone?

Because as I said we've just moved home from overseas. I now live 5 minutes away from him.

Tork · 03-09-2020 09:27PM

You lived 5 minutes away from him before you were home. He was a creep then.

Purple Mountain · 03-09-2020 09:32PM

Tork wrote: »

You lived 5 minutes away from him before you were home. He was a creep then.

She didn't know he was a creep then, this only came to light this week.
Also they've both been away for years.
OP, there's many people around near me who I'd never see from one year to the next despite living 5 minutes away.
If you do cross paths, just keep walking, head down.

LegacyUser · 03-09-2020 09:41PM

Tork wrote: »

You lived 5 minutes away from him before you were home. He was a creep then.

No I didn't. I lived elsewhere. And no I didn't know he was a creep

IAMAMORON · 04-09-2020 11:04AM

I am not comfortable with this thread anymore. Something not right about it.

Op, give your "creepy" cousin a wide birth for a while. I just find your family dynamic could be more of an issue than you are perhaps letting on. They all seem to have something buried behind your initial op and if I am being totally frank with you I feel that you are either not giving us all the facts or certainly being selective with the information. For example you never informed us of his work issues until half way through the thread? I would have thought this was fairly pertinent to your issue and should have been included in your opening post?

Finally, you seemed to be miffed with my general disposition towards helping your cousin. I find it disconcerting that you seem more happy with the drama of highlighting his issue to all and sundry and shaming his behaviours rather than sitting down a member of your own family and seeing if there is anything you could do to help him? Think about that. There is actually no crime in telling your cousin you find them attractive, it is creepy, but you could easily have brushed this one off imo.

Good luck.

Psychiatric Patrick · 04-09-2020 12:11PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I am not comfortable with this thread anymore. Something not right about it.

Op, give your "creepy" cousin a wide birth for a while. I just find your family dynamic could be more of an issue than you are perhaps letting on. They all seem to have something buried behind your initial op and if I am being totally frank with you I feel that you are either not giving us all the facts or certainly being selective with the information. For example you never informed us of his work issues until half way through the thread? I would have thought this was fairly pertinent to your issue and should have been included in your opening post?

Finally, you seemed to be miffed with my general disposition towards helping your cousin. I find it disconcerting that you seem more happy with the drama of highlighting his issue to all and sundry and shaming his behaviours rather than sitting down a member of your own family and seeing if there is anything you could do to help him? Think about that. There is actually no crime in telling your cousin you find them attractive, it is creepy, but you could easily have brushed this one off imo.

Good luck.

I believe the OP only learned of the cousin's history after first posting here for advice on what to do.

You stated posting like a bull rampaging in a china shop - you didn't seem to have read the initial post even.

You are also making out like it is the OP's duty to help the cousin. It is not. Personally I would prefer to help a cousin get help by telling his immediate family of an incident rather than cause a drama but it wouldn't be my job to drive him to his therapy or inquire as to his progress.

Batgurl · 04-09-2020 12:14PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I am not comfortable with this thread anymore. Something not right about it.

Op, give your "creepy" cousin a wide birth for a while. I just find your family dynamic could be more of an issue than you are perhaps letting on. They all seem to have something buried behind your initial op and if I am being totally frank with you I feel that you are either not giving us all the facts or certainly being selective with the information. For example you never informed us of his work issues until half way through the thread? I would have thought this was fairly pertinent to your issue and should have been included in your opening post?

Finally, you seemed to be miffed with my general disposition towards helping your cousin. I find it disconcerting that you seem more happy with the drama of highlighting his issue to all and sundry and shaming his behaviours rather than sitting down a member of your own family and seeing if there is anything you could do to help him? Think about that. There is actually no crime in telling your cousin you find them attractive, it is creepy, but you could easily have brushed this one off imo.

Good luck.

Everything the OP said makes perfect sense to me. Maybe you aren’t reading the posts correctly again?

Not everything is a “project” that people have to fix. It’s perfectly fine to walk away from a dumpster fire of a situation because it’s not your problem to solve. Being related by blood doesn’t make you someone’s keeper.

A great life lesson I learned is that you don’t have to give people the benefit of the doubt in life, especially if they’ve done you wrong in some way. If you don’t want to engage with someone who tries to talk to you, you are not obliged to. Creepy people who try to strike up conversation, do so because they know that so many people feel they have to respond. If you don’t engage, they usually get bored and walk away.

IAMAMORON · 04-09-2020 12:29PM

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

I believe the OP only learned of the cousin's history after first posting here for advice on what to do.

You stated posting like a bull rampaging in a china shop - you didn't seem to have read the initial post even.

You are also making out like it is the OP's duty to help the cousin. It is not. Personally I would prefer to help a cousin get help by telling his immediate family of an incident rather than cause a drama but it wouldn't be my job to drive him to his therapy or inquire as to his progress.

In fairness Paddy you seem more obsessed with criticizing my opinion on the matter than you do with advising the op about anything?

Psychiatric Patrick · 04-09-2020 12:44PM

IAMAMORON wrote: »

In fairness Paddy you seem more obsessed with criticizing my opinion on the matter than you do with advising the op about anything?

Not obsessed it is just you've been so wrong about the story that it is hard to ignore your posts. Pointing out how wrong you are is kind of helping the OP as it is removing a distraction.

And since you have so many misunderstandings I don't think anything you have posted really counts as an "opinion".

antix80 · 04-09-2020 09:58PM

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

Not obsessed it is just you've been so wrong about the story that it is hard to ignore your posts. Pointing out how wrong you are is kind of helping the OP as it is removing a distraction.

And since you have so many misunderstandings I don't think anything you have posted really counts as an "opinion".

Patrick, i don't mean to backseat mod but please stop criticising people for advising the OP to block her oddball cousin. You gave your advice already.

He is a pervert and his indiscretions affect his life. It is not the op's job to get involved with someone like that.

LegacyUser · 05-09-2020 03:15AM

antix80 wrote: »

Patrick, i don't mean to backseat mod but please stop criticising people for advising the OP to block her oddball cousin. You gave your advice already.

He is a pervert and his indiscretions affect his life. It is not the op's job to get involved with someone like that.

I think you need to re-read. Paddy is the one telling me it's not my duty to interact further or help my cousin.

As for being uncomfortable with the post, people can stop following whenever they like. I don't appreciate being told i'd rather "drama" because i'm seeking advice on a very unpleasant situation. Then in the same breath suggesting I should help my cousin. Good old Irish victim shaming mentality right there.

I am looking around me every time I take the dog out or go to my local shop now in case I run in to him.

tara73 · 05-09-2020 08:23AM

Familydynamics wrote: »

I am looking around me every time I take the dog out or go to my local shop now in case I run in to him.

If it's that bad I really think you need to let him know once and for all what you think of him and the situation. At the end let him know you won't talk to him and you won't greet him or acknowledge him when meeting him on the street or somewhere else. And that's it. Write him this via e-mail or message where you can be sure he's reading it. surely don't meet up.

with this you take control back of the situation, from my point of view much better than just blocking him and ' keeping your head down' when meeting him. that's a very much passive solution and gives him the opportunity or possibility to always approach you again. sure if he's that thick as you describe he can still do it but in that case I would get loud, especially on the street, that strangers get aware there's something going on, some molesting. He will think twice whether he's doing it again after that.
I actually also would let him know you are in contact with your aunt and you are in exchange with her what he's done and if he ever contacts you in an inappropriate form, you'll let her know.

This guy is an harasser and this people need to be made aware with no misunderstandings they can't carry on with it.

Cousin being massively inappropriate

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