Cousin being massively inappropriate

antix80

Familydynamics wrote: »

I think you need to re-read. Paddy is the one telling me it's not my duty to interact further or help my cousin.

As for being uncomfortable with the post, people can stop following whenever they like. I don't appreciate being told i'd rather "drama" because i'm seeking advice on a very unpleasant situation. Then in the same breath suggesting I should help my cousin. Good old Irish victim shaming mentality right there.

I am looking around me every time I take the dog out or go to my local shop now in case I run in to him.

My bad.

You should not help your cousin! Far from it.

I know you dread seeing him. But understand that you did nothing wrong,and even though he made you feel uncomfortable he isn't a danger to you.

I know you were in shock and wanted to make sense of his messages but -i mean this as kindly as possible-the only correct response to those messages is to ignore them. And ignore him if you see him. Anything else is playing his game and giving him a reaction.

If he doesn't take the hint and tries to contact you again on social media, can you prepare a very short message you could send him to let him know you are not only "interested" in him, but also not interested in his friendship or even corresponding or communicating with him online or in person?

Op, even your username "Familydynamics".. he's not your family. just a creep with fantasies. Would you even have replied to his message if he wasn't your cousin?

Rubberchikken

He's coming across a little immature which might explain his relationship free years.

Heneeds to get the message that you're not interested in him other than a quick chat cousin to cousin occasionally and the only way to do that is straight out, honestly and clearly.

cloudatlas

IAMAMORON wrote: »

I am not comfortable with this thread anymore. Something not right about it.

Op, give your "creepy" cousin a wide birth for a while. I just find your family dynamic could be more of an issue than you are perhaps letting on. They all seem to have something buried behind your initial op and if I am being totally frank with you I feel that you are either not giving us all the facts or certainly being selective with the information. For example you never informed us of his work issues until half way through the thread? I would have thought this was fairly pertinent to your issue and should have been included in your opening post?

Finally, you seemed to be miffed with my general disposition towards helping your cousin. I find it disconcerting that you seem more happy with the drama of highlighting his issue to all and sundry and shaming his behaviours rather than sitting down a member of your own family and seeing if there is anything you could do to help him? Think about that. There is actually no crime in telling your cousin you find them attractive, it is creepy, but you could easily have brushed this one off imo.

Good luck.

TBH I'm uncomfortable with your response that someone who is being sexually harassed has some kind of onus to help their harasser. If she did help him you can guarantee that it would be misconstrued in his sick mind as her making some kind of move on him.

And she didn't tell all unsundry, she told one person because she feels unsafe.

She did nothing to welcome comments about her attractiveness, why do men in general feel that they should tell women what turns them on or what they find attractive or where you rate in terms on the '****ability' scale. She asked for none of that especially from a relative, absolutely disgusting behaviour.

She did the right thing, told him it was inappropriate and told someone for support. The amount of comments blaming this women for the ****ed up head of her relative. Please just stop already.

LegacyUser

cloudatlas wrote: »

TBH I'm uncomfortable with your response that someone who is being sexually harassed has some kind of onus to help their harasser. If she did help him you can guarantee that it would be misconstrued in his sick mind as her making some kind of move on him.

And she didn't tell all unsundry, she told one person because she feels unsafe.

She did nothing to welcome comments about her attractiveness, why do men in general feel that they should tell women what turns them on or what they find attractive or where you rate in terms on the '****ability' scale. She asked for none of that especially from a relative, absolutely disgusting behaviour.

She did the right thing, told him it was inappropriate and told someone for support. The amount of comments blaming this women for the ****ed up head of her relative. Please just stop already.

Thank you

Psychiatric Patrick

antix80 wrote: »

Patrick, i don't mean to backseat mod but please stop criticising people for advising the OP to block her oddball cousin. You gave your advice already.

He is a pervert and his indiscretions affect his life. It is not the op's job to get involved with someone like that.

I was away for most of the weekend.

You misunderstand that criticism. I was saying that blocking on social media and hoping the whole thing would go away is nonsense. By all means block but burying ones head in the sand is not the way to deal with anything.

Also your tone was hurtful. :P

Psychiatric Patrick

Familydynamics wrote: »

Thank you

It is very upsetting that you are this freaked out. I agree with antix80 - I do not think this cousin is a danger but all the same you are worried.

Have you told anyone in your actual family? Or a friend or flatmate?

Can you get someone to walk with you for a while?

Not sure what else to say.

LegacyUser

Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »

It is very upsetting that you are this freaked out. I agree with antix80 - I do not think this cousin is a danger but all the same you are worried.

Have you told anyone in your actual family? Or a friend or flatmate?

Can you get someone to walk with you for a while?

Not sure what else to say.

Living with a parent. Haven't said anything to my immediate family as I just don't want drama. Trying to just forget it, but I might have to face him at some point. I'm just so angry he feels he can treat people, especially his cousin like that.

Hannibal_Smith

Chances are you will cross paths with him again. I like the advice above about taking control. You don't have to do the 'be nice and smile' routine with him. He made you feel uncomfortable. The person who needs to look at themselves is him. Carry on as before, with the benefit of not having to humour him or hide away. You never know, he could be mortified himself and will be crossing the street when he sees you. If he doesn't, you don't have to stop and talk to him, or anyone if you don't want to.

bitofabind

Familydynamics wrote: »

Living with a parent. Haven't said anything to my immediate family as I just don't want drama. Trying to just forget it, but I might have to face him at some point. I'm just so angry he feels he can treat people, especially his cousin like that.

I get why you would want to avoid any further family drama. I'm all about practising boundaries and direct communication, but when it comes to families that are so often fraught like yours, sometimes you have to preserve your own well-being as a priority and that means picking your battles. In the cold light of day, there are facts and realities about all of our families that would hold up in court, but would serve only to isolate you and work against you within your own family dynamic. Sad fact of life.

If it were me, I'd give creepy cousin the widest berth possible and if he ever came near me again, I'd express in no uncertain terms that any further communication is unwelcome. A simple "I don't wish to talk to you" to shut down any attempts to engage that you can't easily ghost.

I'd also say nothing to the wider family unless asked, but wouldn't hide the fact that you have no relationship with him whatsoever, nor do you wish to have one. Effectively, wipe him out of your life and act as if he doesn't exist from now on.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Chances are you will cross paths with him again. I like the advice above about taking control. You don't have to do the 'be nice and smile' routine with him. He made you feel uncomfortable. The person who needs to look at themselves is him. Carry on as before, with the benefit of not having to humour him or hide away. You never know, he could be mortified himself and will be crossing the street when he sees you. If he doesn't, you don't have to stop and talk to him, or anyone if you don't want to.

What are the chances of him being mortified at his behaviour realistically though? He has done things like this in the past. It was obvious I wasn't entertaining his behaviour and he still kept it up.

I don't like to speculate and thrash people's names even if they are an absolute misguided creep but there was rumours about why he left to go to another country which I only found out about when I spoke to said aunt. Apparently two girls may have cried the R word. I hate even saying this because it could be just rumours.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

I get why you would want to avoid any further family drama. I'm all about practising boundaries and direct communication, but when it comes to families that are so often fraught like yours, sometimes you have to preserve your own well-being as a priority and that means picking your battles. In the cold light of day, there are facts and realities about all of our families that would hold up in court, but would serve only to isolate you and work against you within your own family dynamic. Sad fact of life.

If it were me, I'd give creepy cousin the widest berth possible and if he ever came near me again, I'd express in no uncertain terms that any further communication is unwelcome. A simple "I don't wish to talk to you" to shut down any attempts to engage that you can't easily ghost.

I'd also say nothing to the wider family unless asked, but wouldn't hide the fact that you have no relationship with him whatsoever, nor do you wish to have one. Effectively, wipe him out of your life and act as if he doesn't exist from now on.

To be honest the family members on that side of the family I do have a relationship would support me 100% if I were to make a thing of this. I just don't want to. I don't need the drama. I just want to have nothing to do with him or his immediate family and hope he will not approach me if I run in to him.

Hannibal_Smith

Familydynamics wrote: »

What are the chances of him being mortified at his behaviour realistically though? He has done things like this in the past. It was obvious I wasn't entertaining his behaviour and he still kept it up.

I don't like to speculate and thrash people's names even if they are an absolute misguided creep but there was rumours about why he left to go to another country which I only found out about when I spoke to said aunt. Apparently two girls may have cried the R word. I hate even saying this because it could be just rumours.

He said something inappropriate to you in one conversation. You got on well with him before this and there has never been any issue with him that was apparent to you. Its not an ongoing sequence of events. He hasn't tried different ways of contacting you since you blocked him.

Your aunt has since told you that there were rumours about him sending pictures to a colleague and two girls mentioning rape. But this has never come up in conversation before or even mentioned. If there's a family rift, could your aunt be stirring it?

Either way, surely that gives you a more definite way of approaching this, you don't have to stop and talk to him, or smile along enduring any kind of false pleasantries with him. What other way is there?

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

He said something inappropriate to you in one conversation. You got on well with him before this and there has never been any issue with him that was apparent to you. Its not an ongoing sequence of events. He hasn't tried different ways of contacting you since you blocked him.

Your aunt has since told you that there were rumours about him sending pictures to a colleague and two girls mentioning rape. But this has never come up in conversation before or even mentioned. If there's a family rift, could your aunt be stirring it?

Either way, surely that gives you a more definite way of approaching this, you don't have to stop and talk to him, or smile along enduring any kind of false pleasantries with him. What other way is there?

The pictures were to someone my aunt knows. The colleagues were a separate incident. This is fact. My aunt isn't stirring anything. The cousins mother is a nasty piece of work and I have been on the receiving end, my aunt isn't stirring anything with her.

I'm sorry but any previous good friendship we had before this goes out the window now. So whether it was a one off or not, the previous cousin family dynamic we had up to this is irrelevant.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm not suggesting you maintain any relationship with him. I've suggested the exact opposite, twice. The cousin's mother is nothing to do with what happened between you and your cousin?

You're afraid to leave your house and walk your dog. You're seeking advice on what to do. My point of looking how he's behaved towards you is in the context of trying to assess whether he is a danger to you to justify your fears.

Tork

So what exactly do you think he's going to do to you if you meet him on the street? I don't want to minimise what happened here but your reaction is a bit over the top. Unless you plan on moving away or living like a hermit for the rest of your days, you're going to have to get some perspective here. Yes, he's a horrible human being and not someone you will want to see when you're walking the dog. I had a relative who was a bad person (won't go into reasons here) and I managed to co-exist very nicely without him impinging much on my life. I avoided him whenever I could, acknowledged him in a barely civil manner when I couldn't and went about my day to day life without giving him much thought. He has since died but it didn't make any great difference to me because I could handle things anyway.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

So what exactly do you think he's going to do to you if you meet him on the street? I don't want to minimise what happened here but your reaction is a bit over the top. Unless you plan on moving away or living like a hermit for the rest of your days, you're going to have to get some perspective here. Yes, he's a horrible human being and not someone you will want to see when you're walking the dog. I had a relative who was a bad person (won't go into reasons here) and I managed to co-exist very nicely without him impinging much on my life. I avoided him whenever I could, acknowledged him in a barely civil manner when I couldn't and went about my day to day life without giving him much thought. He has since died but it didn't make any great difference to me because I could handle things anyway.

I don't think my reaction is the over the top. I feel physically sick at the thoughts of running in to him.