Cousin being massively inappropriate

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I have to go anon for this and there is no easy way to say this. I just need advice on how to handle this situation and what I should do/say. I feel physically sick about the situation.

I bumped into a cousin earlier I haven't seen in a year and probably just once in the past 4/5 years. We both have been overseas. Anyways we were both rushing so I said to give me a shout and we'll catch up soon. He added me on FB and messaged me saying great to see you, keep the faith (as i'm having a rough time because of Covid).

He then proceeded to say he was finding it lonely being his age in our town etc and he'd been single for X many years. I just innocently replied saying yeah 4 years here too, lol. Then the messages went in a direction I really didn't like. He jested if only we weren't related and completely overshared about not being intimate for a long time.

He then apologised later but then made a remark about "At least you know I like you".

I really don't know what to think !!!!

Xterminator

i think they only problem here, is that you need to make the boundary clear. Should have could have nipped this in the bud. If it were me, id call him up and tell him to his face, he made you uncomfortable. If he apologises, let that be the end of it.

it really only becomes an issue if he doesn't respect your wishes.

Cash_Q

I'd be straight to the point and tell him

"That's a gross and inappropriate thing to say to me as your cousin, please don't do that again"

And leave it there. It's not as if saying that can make it any more awkward when you next see each other. Screenshot and save the messages for your own backup in case he tries to turn the tables and say you misinterpreted what he was saying.

What a creep.

LegacyUser

I'm honestly shell shocked. Never had this type of communication or issue with him before.

Kidchameleon

Bloody hell. That's awful. I have no advise really only to say I hope your OK, it must be very tough to witness that. I agree with the poster above about making screen grabs of those messages.

screamer

Where was he overseas? If in the US then over sharing seems to be a national past time. The stuff work colleagues I’ve never even met have shared with me have been unreal. He may just be away and used to a different cultural norm, or he may just have no one to talk to.
If you’re not comfortable then you need to state that, and tell him straight out you really don’t want to know intimate details of his love life.

LegacyUser

screamer wrote: »

Where was he overseas? If in the US then over sharing seems to be a national past time. The stuff work colleagues I’ve never even met have shared with me have been unreal. He may just be away and used to a different cultural norm, or he may just have no one to talk to.
If you’re not comfortable then you need to state that, and tell him straight out you really don’t want to know intimate details of his love life.

Not the states. Not even the overstating but the fact he suggested if only we weren't related. Then tells me at least I know now he likes me. Also that he might marry his hand at this rate

TP_CM

Well he sounds like someone who didn't get out and about enough during Covid anyways.

At least you rarely see him. I wouldn't keep this a secret if I were you. I would start by telling him that there are boundaries with family members that shouldn't be crossed. Then I would show it all to whichever of your parents is his blood relative.

mr_fegelien

I agree you should call him out on it but to be fair, in my other places, relationships with cousins isn't abnormal.

LegacyUser

TP_CM wrote: »

Well he sounds like someone who didn't get out and about enough during Covid anyways.

At least you rarely see him. I wouldn't keep this a secret if I were you. I would start by telling him that there are boundaries with family members that shouldn't be crossed. Then I would show it all to whichever of your parents is his blood relative.

Unfortunately I don't speak to that parent. As for my cousin I only keep in contact with one of his parents. I don't know what to do or say.

TP_CM

Adult@Home wrote: »

Unfortunately I don't speak to that parent. As for my cousin I only keep in contact with one of his parents. I don't know what to do or say.

How do you feel about sending a screenshot to one of his parents. I wouldn't go as far as advising it until I hear what you feel about it. You might not need to say anything. Or say something minor like "Dear Aunt/Uncle X. So this happened today. Bit strange, hope he's OK..". And insert a screenshot.

The only reason I'm suggesting it, is because sometimes people can be very inappropriate towards others until one day someone speaks up and that person gets a kick up the backside. I'm assuming he is a young adult and his parents still feel some kind of residual responsibility for him, but correct me if I'm wrong.

Tork

I'd tell him straight out that his comments were creepy and inappropriate. As suggested, I'd keep screenshots just in case. I'd also unfriend him on Facebook and avoid him as much as possible. Ewwwww.

LegacyUser

TP_CM wrote: »

How do you feel about sending a screenshot to one of his parents. I wouldn't go as far as advising it until I hear what you feel about it. You might not need to say anything. Or say something minor like "Dear Aunt/Uncle X. So this happened today. Bit strange, hope he's OK..". And insert a screenshot.

The only reason I'm suggesting it, is because sometimes people can be very inappropriate towards others until one day someone speaks up and that person gets a kick up the backside. I'm assuming he is a young adult and his parents still feel some kind of residual responsibility for him, but correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't really feel comfortable doing that. He's heading on 40

Purple Mountain

Just curious, is he a 1st cousin?
If he's further out related it might change perspectives here a bit.

Just unfriend him on Facebook. He'll get the message.

Airyfairy12

A similar situation happened to a friend, her cousin made a pass at her on a night out, we still talk about that night and cringe.

I wouldnt send screenshots to his parents or make a drama out of it, you will likely see him again in the future either at family weddings or funerals, this is already incredibly awkward as it is.
Youre not responsible for his much needed 'kick up the backside' nor do you have any responsibility to teach him a lesson.
Id suggest ignoring his messages from now on and unfriend him on facebook.

LegacyUser

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Just curious, is he a 1st cousin?
If he's further out related it might change perspectives here a bit.

1st cousin

TP_CM

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I wouldnt send screenshots to his parents or make a drama out of it, you will likely see him again in the future either at family weddings or funerals, this is already incredibly awkward as it is.
Youre not responsible for his much needed 'kick up the backside' nor do you have any responsibility to teach him a lesson.

I can't help but think of how long the MeToo movement took because 'it would just be awkward', or 'what will my family think?', or 'just ignore it'. These idiots need calling out and the sooner the better. I know this isn't as serious, but it's on the same spectrum of men treating women inappropriately.

Op, he's 40!? His parents don't come into it then. Call him out on it and minimise your contact with him after this. He does need to know that he can't just do things like this on a whim.

Cash_Q

TP_CM wrote:

I can't help but think of how long the MeToo movement took because 'it would just be awkward', or 'what will my family think?', or 'just ignore it'. These idiots need calling out and the sooner the better. I know this isn't as serious, but it's on the same spectrum of men treating women inappropriately.

TP_CM wrote:

Op, he's 40!? His parents don't come into it then. Call him out on it and minimise your contact with him after this. He does need to know that he can't just do things like this on a whim.

Absolutely. I'm shocked by the number of people suggesting that OP just brushes this under the carpet. It's totally inappropriate and why shouldn't he be told as much?!

LegacyUser

TP_CM wrote: »

I can't help but think of how long the MeToo movement took because 'it would just be awkward', or 'what will my family think?', or 'just ignore it'. These idiots need calling out and the sooner the better. I know this isn't as serious, but it's on the same spectrum of men treating women inappropriately.



Op, he's 40!? His parents don't come into it then. Call him out on it and minimise your contact with him after this. He does need to know that he can't just do things like this on a whim.

The worst part is my parent did something really inappropriate to his family member which he is well aware of. I haven't spoken to them since. My cousin knows this which just makes it all the more messed up

Purple Mountain

FamilyDynamics wrote: »

1st cousin

Yea that's gross. I was hoping you'd say distant cousin.

Sorolla

Familydynamics wrote: »

Hi all,

I have to go anon for this and there is no easy way to say this. I just need advice on how to handle this situation and what I should do/say. I feel physically sick about the situation.

I bumped into a cousin earlier I haven't seen in a year and probably just once in the past 4/5 years. We both have been overseas. Anyways we were both rushing so I said to give me a shout and we'll catch up soon. He added me on FB and messaged me saying great to see you, keep the faith (as i'm having a rough time because of Covid).

He then proceeded to say he was finding it lonely being his age in our town etc and he'd been single for X many years. I just innocently replied saying yeah 4 years here too, lol. Then the messages went in a direction I really didn't like. He jested if only we weren't related and completely overshared about not being intimate for a long time.

He then apologised later but then made a remark about "At least you know I like you".

I really don't know what to think !!!!

OP - are you female or male?

FamilyDynamics

FamilyDynamics wrote: »

The worst part is my parent did something really inappropriate to his family member which he is well aware of. I haven't spoken to them since. My cousin knows this which just makes it all the more messed up

His problems don't need to become your problems. Unfriend him and don't spend any more energy on it.

LegacyUser

Sorolla wrote: »

OP - are you female or male?

Female

Kylta

I think you should read him the riot act and then distance yourself from him altogether. the (marry my hand) bit sounds like his desperate for his bit and any normal man would be out chasing or if he was really desperate their are sex workers to service him. But its his interest in you thats not right, and I wouldn't have him on my company for various reasons. Is he your first cousin? Oh and let your other cousins know about him, you never know he could've had the same conversations with other members within the families. But seriously keep well away from him.

Airyfairy12

TP_CM wrote: »

I can't help but think of how long the MeToo movement took because 'it would just be awkward', or 'what will my family think?', or 'just ignore it'. These idiots need calling out and the sooner the better. I know this isn't as serious, but it's on the same spectrum of men treating women inappropriately.

Op, he's 40!? His parents don't come into it then. Call him out on it and minimise your contact with him after this. He does need to know that he can't just do things like this on a whim.

If he doesnt realise this himself at nearly 40 years of age, I really doubt that her calling him out and shaming him infront of the family is going to make any bit of difference.
To add to that, what usually happens when women call out men, they get shushed and judged for making a scene and accused of lying/exaggerating/looking for attention/causing drama.. it's unlikely the OP will come out of that situation in a good light, no matter how wrong her cousin is.

Deeper Blue

That's beyond creepy.

Block him on FB and avoid him as much as possible at any future family gatherings.

ILoveYourVibes

screamer wrote: »

Where was he overseas? If in the US then over sharing seems to be a national past time. The stuff work colleagues I’ve never even met have shared with me have been unreal. He may just be away and used to a different cultural norm, or he may just have no one to talk to.
If you’re not comfortable then you need to state that, and tell him straight out you really don’t want to know intimate details of his love life.

Its not normal in the states to make a comment to your cousin that leaves an opening for a romantic relationship with them.

OP I would avoid him.

Take a screen shot of the message.

He is old enough to know this is inappropriate. There is obviously damage there judging on what he has said. You never know how other people live etc. He is choosing to live out the damage in an even more damaging way.

This isn't oversharing.

He is well aware of what he is doing.

I would also tell him in no uncertain terms to drop it.

I agree with Tork. Keep him away from your life. You don't want him around your friends family kids etc..and not you either.

Psychiatric Patrick

FamilyDynamics wrote: »

1st cousin

People saying need to talk to this cousin face to face are correct. It has troubled you so you need to unburden yourself of that.

Maybe this cousin is a horrible weirdo or maybe he is just an awkward harmless weirdo who is mortified himself.

And don't mind that "just unfriend him on on Facebook". That is just brush under the carpet nonsense and will not help you.

EDIT: Block him, yes, but but you should say something to him.

Psychiatric Patrick

El Sueño wrote: »

That's beyond creepy.

Block him on FB and avoid him as much as possible at any future family gatherings.

Mary Happy Second wrote: »

Just unfriend him on Facebook. He'll get the message.

That is not a healthy way to deal with it.

unhappys10

OP just message the weirdo saying that was weird and not to contact you again.
Not like you could ever forget about it so just cut your losses. But definitely let him know why.

Sorolla wrote: »

OP - are you female or male?

How does that matter at all?!