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Cousin being massively inappropriate

24

Comments

  • #32
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »
    That is not a healthy way to deal with it.

    He kept it up this morning instead of crawling back under his rock. He then says "Oh just tell me to shut up"

    I just responded with yeah thats probably wise you're being massively inappropriate


  • #33
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,635 ✭✭✭Tork


    You missed your chance to tell him that he was being inappropriate and that you found it sick/creepy. It is a form of sexual harassment and he deserves to be called out on it. Agreeing with him is so passive. I hope you'll now unfriend him on Facebook and avoid him as much as possible. You survived this long without him being your FB friend, you can do so again.


  • #34
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    FamilyDynamics wrote: »
    He kept it up this morning instead of crawling back under his rock. He then says "Oh just tell me to shut up"

    I just responded with yeah thats probably wise you're being massively inappropriate

    I actually knew someone that was so awkward that they'd keep digging themselves in deeper rather than facet.

    That might be the case here too but if there is another message like that I suggest you call him and tell it wasn't funny to begin with and that it is worse now.

    I had agreed with a face to face but I'm uncomfortable at the thoughts you doing that alone. Having a friend with you would might be okay but I don't know.


  • #35
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    Tork wrote: »
    You missed your chance to tell him that he was being inappropriate and that you found it sick/creepy. It is a form of sexual harassment and he deserves to be called out on it. Agreeing with him is so passive. I hope you'll now unfriend him on Facebook and avoid him as much as possible. You survived this long without him being your FB friend, you can do so again.

    She hasn't missed the chance. If it was workplace harassment and you don't object the first time doesn't mean you've missed the chance.

    OP should have responded straight away, didn't but still can.


  • #36
    antix80
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,418 ✭✭✭antix80


    Familydynamics wrote: »
    I really don't know what to think !!!!

    It's obvious what to think.

    You asked him to back off but seems you continued to converse with him despite the turn in the conversation. Best you can do at this stage is to block him and put it out of your head.

    Cousin love is fairly uncommon in Ireland but not as strange in other countries.. Not my cup of tea but not something to blow out of proportion.


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  • #37
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    antix80 wrote: »
    It's obvious what to think.

    You asked him to back off but seems you continued to converse with him despite the turn in the conversation. Best you can do at this stage is to block him and put it out of your head.

    Cousin love is fairly uncommon in Ireland but not as strange in other countries.. Not my cup of tea but not something to blow out of proportion.

    Block on social media and avoid?

    Is that all people can do?


  • #38
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,264 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »
    Block on social media and avoid?

    Is that people can do?

    It's not always necessary to get "closure" or whatever it is you seem to be pushing as "healthy". Sometimes it's enough to take a few small steps to ensure you won't have to deal with the problem. Blocking them would achieve that goal. Anyway, I'm out. Good luck OP.


  • #39
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    Deleted User wrote: »
    It's not always necessary to get "closure" or whatever it is you seem to be pushing as "healthy". Sometimes it's enough to take a few small steps to ensure you won't have to deal with the problem. Blocking them would achieve that goal. Anyway, I'm out. Good luck OP.

    Avoidance. Well there we have it.

    OP, I hope your cousin got the message from your last communication.


  • #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »
    Avoidance. Well there we have it.

    OP, I hope your cousin got the message from your last communication.


    Yeah me too. He's backed too. Also spoke to an aunt and sent her all messages. Can't believe I'm being accused on here of continuing to converse and not shutting him down as quickly as I should. I'd like to know if those people have been in such a situation. Because I for one sure as hell haven't and have been purely shocked that flesh and blood would out of the blue behave like this.


  • #41
    DonnaDarko09
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 367 ✭✭DonnaDarko09


    How often would you actually see this cousin?
    When I was 15/16 (I’m late 30s now), a 1st cousin came on to me at our mutual cousins wedding. He was in his early 20s I think so there were many levels of inappropriateness.
    But I had rarely met this cousin and didn’t really know them at all. I never told anyone and just kept my distance afterwards. I still haven’t told anyone in my family.
    From what I know he’s married now and has a family, and I’m glad I didn’t make a thing of it at the time.

    On another note, I do know of one set of first cousins who are married.


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  • #42
    bilbot79
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,111 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    Bit weird. In this part of the world at least. In some Arab states its the norm


  • #43
    antix80
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,418 ✭✭✭antix80


    DonnaDarko09 wrote: »
    On another note, I do know of one set of first cousins who are married.

    So do I. The circumstances were unusual as they didn't realise they were first cousins. They're both quite ugly and while their kids are fine.... They're not only ugly, they actually look slow.

    What I'm getting at is the first cousin thing is a social taboo, happily ignored by many. It disgusts the op but it's just a taboo of our culture and society


  • #44
    DonnaDarko09
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 367 ✭✭DonnaDarko09


    antix80 wrote: »
    So do I. The circumstances were unusual as they didn't realise they were first cousins. They're both quite ugly and while their kids are fine.... They're not only ugly, they actually look slow.

    What I'm getting at is the first cousin thing is a social taboo, happily ignored by many. It disgusts the op but it's just a taboo of our culture and society

    And funnily enough their kids are absolutely fine..Looks wise and mentally or so it appears anyway. They would be at the higher end of the academic ladder, in very well respected professions.


  • #45
    bobbyy gee
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,300 ✭✭✭bobbyy gee


    unfriend him on facebook


  • #46
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    bobbyy gee wrote: »
    unfriend him on facebook

    I already did


  • #47
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    I would just treat it like any other unwanted advance from anyone.

    First cousins can marry in Ireland - its not unheard of.

    So forget about the creepy aspect that he is your cousin and just tell him youre not interested in him romantically and to quit that line of conversation.


  • #48
    TheChizler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,536 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    I wouldn't have gone telling on him to his mother but at least you told him you weren't interested. I don't think there's any reason to treat this any differently to a friend or colleague who you're not interested in coming on to you. No thanks, not interested, please don't bring it up again. A bit unusual that it's a cousin but that shouldn't change how you handle it.


  • #49
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    TheChizler wrote: »
    I wouldn't have gone telling on him to his mother but at least you told him you weren't interested. I don't think there's any reason to treat this any differently to a friend or colleague who you're not interested in coming on to you. No thanks, not interested, please don't bring it up again. A bit unusual that it's a cousin but that shouldn't change how you handle it.

    Where did I say I told his mother? I told an aunt that i'm quite close to, not his mother. And i'm glad I did because he has previous form that is a bit worrying.


  • #50
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    Familydynamics wrote: »
    Where did I say I told his mother? I told an aunt that i'm quite close to, not his mother. And i'm glad I did because he has previous form that is a bit worrying.

    You mean he has shown an interest in other relatives?

    Has he contacted you since you told him to to stop?


  • #51
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »
    You mean he has shown an interest in other relatives?

    Has he contacted you since you told him to to stop?

    No but he's been fired from previous jobs for being inappropriate and sent inappropriate pictures previously.

    He can't contact me. He's blocked


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  • #52
    TheChizler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,536 ✭✭✭TheChizler


    Familydynamics wrote: »
    Where did I say I told his mother? I told an aunt that i'm quite close to, not his mother. And i'm glad I did because he has previous form that is a bit worrying.
    Sorry I just saw the word aunt in a thread about your cousin and made the connection.


  • #53
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,732 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Familydynamics wrote: »
    No but he's been fired from previous jobs for being inappropriate and sent inappropriate pictures previously.

    He can't contact me. He's blocked

    Gosh, what a creep.
    Look, try put it out of your mind now and move on.
    He can't contact you now and if you see him in person just blank him.

    To thine own self be true



  • #54
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Op, first of all I am sorry for the situation your cousin has landed your family in. What a total phucking burk he was.

    I would hand him out serious verbals, but you also do not need to throw him under a bus either.

    I think facebook politics is redic. Blocking your cousin could exacerbate family tensions, you don't want that. A severe verbal is required here and remember that your cousin has issues, all things considered.

    This is just me but I tend to try to mend family riffs. Giving him a wide birth for a while gives you the opportunity to have a normal relationship with him in the future. Think about it, the last thing you need is further cringes. Your grandparents were married and loved each other, they would not like to see their family at odds.

    He knows he was wrong, no need to rub his face in it.


  • #55
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    Op, first of all I am sorry for the situation your cousin has landed your family in. What a total phucking burk he was.

    I would hand him out serious verbals, but you also do not need to throw him under a bus either.

    I think facebook politics is redic. Blocking your cousin could exacerbate family tensions, you don't want that. A severe verbal is required here and remember that your cousin has issues, all things considered.

    This is just me but I tend to try to mend family riffs. Giving him a wide birth for a while gives you the opportunity to have a normal relationship with him in the future. Think about it, the last thing you need is further cringes. Your grandparents were married and loved each other, they would not like to see their family at odds.

    He knows he was wrong, no need to rub his face in it.

    Have I missed something in the thread?

    What situation in the "family landed in" and how would the cousin be "thrown under a bus"? And where did the OP tell that the cousins knows he did wrong? And how a block on social media cause "tension" in the family?

    Facebook is nonsense. By all means she should block him. And I agree, words need too had but as you point out the guy has problems so I don't know what the OP should do.


  • #56
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    Psychiatric Patrick wrote: »
    Have I missed something in the thread?

    What situation in the "family landed in" and how would the cousin be "thrown under a bus"? And where did the OP tell that the cousins knows he did wrong? And how a block on social media cause "tension" in the family?

    Facebook is nonsense. By all means she should block him. And I agree, words need too had but as you point out the guy has problems so I don't know what the OP should do.

    Paddy, big familys talk and the rumour mill gets going..... you know how that gets?

    If the op can hand out her bollockin first then she might save hassle.

    It is just a suggestion.


  • #57
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    Paddy, big familys talk and the rumour mill gets going..... you know how that gets?

    If the op can hand out her bollockin first then she might save hassle.

    It is just a suggestion.

    That’s his problem not hers and if he’s done this before and lost his job over it I’d say it will come as no huge surprise. He sounds like a sex pest. The more people who know about his habits the better.


  • #58
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    Op, first of all I am sorry for the situation your cousin has landed your family in. What a total phucking burk he was.

    I would hand him out serious verbals, but you also do not need to throw him under a bus either.

    I think facebook politics is redic. Blocking your cousin could exacerbate family tensions, you don't want that. A severe verbal is required here and remember that your cousin has issues, all things considered.

    This is just me but I tend to try to mend family riffs. Giving him a wide birth for a while gives you the opportunity to have a normal relationship with him in the future. Think about it, the last thing you need is further cringes. Your grandparents were married and loved each other, they would not like to see their family at odds.

    He knows he was wrong, no need to rub his face in it.


    I've always remained neutral with the family tension and dynamics on that side of the family and trust me there is many. The cousins mother and sister deleted me and my mam on Facebook a couple of years ago over that something that had nothing to do with us. I was pretty upset by it and insulted as I had always had respect for her even though some of her moral decisions were off the wall.

    This won't cause any tension in the family. Most of the family don't talk to her or her daughters. So there will be no more ill feeling than what already exists. I always thought said cousin was nice and would always get on with him like everyone in my family. I would never let one persons actions/drama (his mother) infllict on my relationship with the rest of the family. So this to me is just the last straw with them


  • #59
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    Paddy, big familys talk and the rumour mill gets going..... you know how that gets?

    If the op can hand out her bollockin first then she might save hassle.

    It is just a suggestion.

    Big or small they talk but I don't get what the problem is? Some of the extended family know this guy's tendencies and really they should know this.

    I had a cousin who went off his trolley (I'm allowed say that because I have mental health problems :)) and it was kept hush-hush which nearly caused calamity. I'm not saying the OP needs to call everyone but shouldn't keep it secret.

    We agree a bollocking is necessary. I just have no advice as t how to do it

    OP, doesgive you a little peace of mind that he has a history of this? That it isn't just you I mean.


  • #60
    IAMAMORON
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,078 ✭✭✭IAMAMORON


    eviltwin wrote: »
    That’s his problem not hers and if he’s done this before and lost his job over it I’d say it will come as no huge surprise. He sounds like a sex pest. The more people who know about his habits the better.

    Okay , I see your point.

    But the op said he was inappropriate, that does not make him a sex pest? Which ties into my suggestion that the op might be better off being subtle with him.

    He may not have " his habits " as you are insinuating. People phuck up and say and do stupid indefensible chrap all the time. It could be a once off?

    My hunch says that if he is a perv the op would have worked that out 25 years ago, they are in their 40's now?


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  • #61
    Psychiatric Patrick
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Psychiatric Patrick


    IAMAMORON wrote: »
    Okay , I see your point.

    But the op said he was inappropriate, that does not make him a sex pest? Which ties into my suggestion that the op might be better off being subtle with him.

    He may not have " his habits " as you are insinuating. People phuck up and say and do stupid indefensible chrap all the time. It could be a once off?

    My hunch says that if he is a perv the op would have worked that out 25 years ago, they are in their 40's now?

    It isn't a once off.

    The OP's aunt told her


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