Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Moved home because of Covid and feeling like i'm being asked for too much

Options
1356

Comments

  • Options
    #62
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    It's in inverted commas because I couldn't figure out if it was an agreed rent between you, or the official rent.

    Quite frankly, I don't understand why you haven't sat down and made an official arrangement with her yet, and stop all this faffing around.

    It should have been one of the first discussions that happened when you moved back into your mother's home.

    I've been away overseas for three years, through surgery, two redundancies, hadn't been home in a year to see family, stuck overseas for a month trying to get back, spent 40 hours of travelling and had two weeks of quarantine so quite frankly it wasn't the first thing we spoke about when I got in the door.

    Don't see how hindsight and should have would have is helpful? I've got really helpful advice from everyone on here but seems you're just looking to find fault or things I should have done.


  • Options
    #63
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 33,980 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I only found out in the past few days that she owed three weeks, so I said I would clear it when I get paid.

    Why? and why are you offering to pay the full rent, not half? This is enabling behaviour. Your mother as householder is responsible for ensuring the rent is paid whether you are there or not. The last thing you should be doing is giving her "free money" to spend on drink.

    Life ain't always empty.



  • Options
    #64
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hotblack Desiato wrote: »
    Why? and why are you offering to pay the full rent, not half? This is enabling behaviour. Your mother as householder is responsible for ensuring the rent is paid whether you are there or not. The last thing you should be doing is giving her "free money" to spend on drink.

    In what world should the person with a working income should expect the family member on a dole/pension to match their contribution to rent?

    OP is being asked to pay too much, but in ireland we generally accept the principle that the person who has the higher income should pay a little more, in all walks of life.

    Desnt matter if its paying for college, income tax rates, waivers for bin charges, free bus pass /tv licence etc.

    OP has offered to cover the rent completely which was very very decent.


  • Options
    #65
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP, don't listen to the 'what you should have done' posts. You are where you are.

    At this stage, if you're trying to get work and save a bit, just don't agree to anything else and have a think about how you might get a room and stability somewhere else. You might need to stay where you are for a few weeks or months, so there's no point in getting into arguments. Treat it as a temporary measure and once you are contributing your half, or what you can afford, then don't be stressing.

    Look after yourself.


  • Options
    #66
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Xterminator wrote: »
    In what world should the person with a working income should expect the family member on a dole/pension to match their contribution to rent?

    OP is being asked to pay too much, but in ireland we generally accept the principle that the person who has the higher income should pay a little more, in all walks of life.

    Desnt matter if its paying for college, income tax rates, waivers for bin charges, free bus pass /tv licence etc.

    OP has offered to cover the rent completely which was very very decent.

    yeah this makes sense until you remember its differential rent of 60 quid a week and then this looks a bit silly


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #67
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 33,980 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    Xterminator wrote: »
    In what world should the person with a working income should expect the family member on a dole/pension to match their contribution to rent?

    In a world where the mother was paying (or, supposed to be paying) €60 a week rent before the daughter moved back, and where half of the adjusted rent taking the daughter's income into account would still be less than €60.
    OP has offered to cover the rent completely which was very very decent.

    It's not very very decent, it's ridiculous, and giving an alcoholic lots of extra cash is likely to be very harmful. Presumably when she was living on her own her 'drink budget' was relatively small, now it isn't...

    Life ain't always empty.



  • Options
    #68
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Hotblack Desiato wrote: »
    Why? and why are you offering to pay the full rent, not half? This is enabling behaviour. Your mother as householder is responsible for ensuring the rent is paid whether you are there or not. The last thing you should be doing is giving her "free money" to spend on drink.


    I read it that the OP had in good faith offered to clear the arrears (and I'd probably do the exact same if it was my mother struggling because I love her) but that the plan hatched to divest her of 200pw came afterwards which was the trigger for OP to stand back and add it all up.


  • Options
    #69
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,267 ✭✭✭Tork


    To be fair, these circumstances are a bit unusual. Most people wouldn't expect to come home like this and have their parents try to rip them off like this. Most people don't have a parent who's an alcoholic. I think if I was in the OP's shoes, I'd be trying to keep as much money as possible to myself and save up to get out of there. It doesn't sound like an arrangement that will end well on so many levels. The turbulent relationship they have had with their mother, the mother's alcoholiism, that awful friend stirring the sh*t. And that's before you consider that the OP is used to living independently. Most of us would crack up if we had to move back in without parents and that's without the issues here.


  • Options
    #70
    Coybig_
    Closed Accounts Posts: 454 ✭✭Coybig_


    60 a week and in arrears. That in itself is a massive red flag.

    How is that even possible? Some crazy overspending going on elsewhere if she cant afford 60 a week on a council house.


  • Options
    #71
    3DataModem
    Registered Users Posts: 3,951 ✭✭✭3DataModem


    Adult@home wrote: »
    I would have my own apartment at this rate.

    You seem to have identified the solution.


    This does not pertain to you OP, but I think there is a perception among some people that they have an entitlement to live at home on their own terms (splitting shopping, rent, etc) whereas in reality your parents are entitled to live on their own if they wish.

    In my book:
    - Moving in with family temporarily because lost job and no money -> OK
    - Moving in with family temporarily because relationship split / between jobs / ill -> OK
    - Moving in with family indefinitely for any reason -> they have a right to dictate some terms


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #72
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Adult@Home wrote: »
    I've been away overseas for three years, through surgery, two redundancies, hadn't been home in a year to see family, stuck overseas for a month trying to get back, spent 40 hours of travelling and had two weeks of quarantine so quite frankly it wasn't the first thing we spoke about when I got in the door.

    Don't see how hindsight and should have would have is helpful? I've got really helpful advice from everyone on here but seems you're just looking to find fault or things I should have done.

    I'm sorry you've been through a rough time, but you've been home for weeks (months?) now. You're making excuses.

    You're 34, not a child, and your mother doesn't owe you a roof over your head. Have the conversation, formalise a set contribution per week/month towards rent/shared living costs and then you both know where you stand.


  • Options
    #73
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I'm sorry you've been through a rough time, but you've been home for weeks (months?) now. You're making excuses.

    You're 34, not a child. Have the conversation, and then you both know where you stand. You need to sort out your financial contribution to living in your mother's home.

    Unless, as I suspect is the true motive here, what you really expect is for her to allow you to live at home for free.

    That's not very fair. The OP stated they were willing to pay rent and completely cover the monthly rent the mother is paying. The mother is looking for a contribution of €800 a month when her rent is €240 a month. She's also looking for various home renovations to be carried out, and just happened to go into arrears on rent when the OP showed up. There's paying a fair rent, and gouging the OP for every penny possible.

    Take back your bank card if you haven't already OP, start saving as much as possible for a deposit in a house share and get out as soon as possible.


  • Options
    #74
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Xterminator wrote: »
    In what world should the person with a working income should expect the family member on a dole/pension to match their contribution to rent?

    If I've read this correctly, the OPs mother only works one day a week, and is in receipt of a benefit payment (see post 17). So is probably not exactly flush with cash and now has an extra adult living at home.

    Her mother has "thrown around" and hinted at an amount (which I agree @200 per week is far too high) but she was probably trying to start the conversation the OP clearly wants to avoid having.

    This could all be solved, by having the conversation.


  • Options
    #75
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Deleted User wrote: »
    If I've read this correctly, the OPs mother only works one day a week, and is in receipt of either carers benefit (see post 1) or illness benefit (see post 17). So is probably not exactly flush with cash and now with an extra adult living at home.

    Her mother has only hinted at an amount (which I agree @200 per week is far too high) but she was probably trying to start the conversation the OP clearly wants to avoid having.

    This could all be solved, by having the conversation.

    The mother is also an alcoholic which you are conveniently ignoring.

    The OP was already covering the entire rent and splitting the bills, she doesn't owe her mother anything else. She's not responsible for funding her lifestyle.


  • Options
    #76
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    That's not very fair.

    Agreed, it was under the belt and I removed the comment and apologies to the OP for making it.


  • Options
    #77
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    rainbowtrout wrote: »
    The mother is also an alcoholic which you are conveniently ignoring.

    The OP was already covering the entire rent and splitting the bills, she doesn't owe her mother anything else. She's not responsible for funding her lifestyle.

    The mother also doesn't owe a 34 year old a cheap roof over her head while she saves, either.

    As I said in an earlier post, 15% of income is roughly what the Council would look for as rent, so she should be paying that, minimum, plus food and shared bills, on top. Or move out. Plenty of house shares available.


  • Options
    #78
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,267 ✭✭✭Tork


    The mother doesn't have the right to empty her child's bank account either.


  • Options
    #79
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    She gave her mother her bank card while she was in isolation. I agree she should have it back now.

    But you're overlooking the OP's part to play in this completely. She has been home long enough to complete quarantine, find work, and is now back working so why still no conversation?

    If I was her mother, the conversation would have been had by now, and either terms agreed or a date to move out set.

    Its really not that complicated.


  • Options
    #80
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I found it very unclear re your posts as to who was in arrears in rent, you or your mother. Have you been similarly unclear with her? I know there’s been posts since, but can you clarify once and for all the exact situation re arrears?

    It sounds like you mother is very much taking advantage of you - but it also sounds like a ridiculously loose ‘arrangement’. I really do think you’d be better off moving out.


  • Options
    #81
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I know there’s been posts since, but can you clarify once and for all the exact situation re arrears?

    3 weeks it seems
    Adult@home wrote: »
    My mam has not paid the rent in 3 weeks which co-incides with me being back I guess.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #82
    qwerty13
    Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Hannibal_Smith wrote: »
    3 weeks it seems

    I did see that, but there was so much uncertainty about the way it was described a few times that I wasn’t sure if was the OP’s arrears paying their mother, the mother’s arrears to the council, or arrears of the increased rent due to the council as the OP had moved in. And “I guess” didn’t help on clarity.

    I think clarity on this is important for people responding - but also as there seems to be a very mixed up situation with the OP’s mother, ie no clarity at all!


  • Options
    #83
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    She gave her mother her bank card while she was in isolation. I agree she should have it back now.

    But you're overlooking the OP's part to play in this completely. She has been home long enough to complete quarantine, find work, and is now back working so why still no conversation?

    If I was her mother, the conversation would have been had by now, and either terms agreed or a date to move out set.

    Its really not that complicated.

    I don't really know i'm wasting any more energy replying to your posts. I was only back two weeks when I got a job because i'm a bloody hard worker and was job hunting around the clock. So the fact I was flat out job hunting, got a job, have been more than generous you're distored sense of logic brought you to the conclusion that I want a free ride.


  • Options
    #84
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    qwerty13 wrote: »
    I found it very unclear re your posts as to who was in arrears in rent, you or your mother. Have you been similarly unclear with her? I know there’s been posts since, but can you clarify once and for all the exact situation re arrears?

    It sounds like you mother is very much taking advantage of you - but it also sounds like a ridiculously loose ‘arrangement’. I really do think you’d be better off moving out.

    My mam was in arrears with her rent. I'm going to sit her down tomorrow and have a chat with her. I'd rather pay the rent directly than give her the cash. I know either way she will have extra funds from this situation and that's more money to buy alcohol etc but it's a catch 22. I will offer to pay the rent and split bills and suggest she use the extra cash to buy paint etc.

    I can't do anymore than that.


  • Options
    #85
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    OP I haven't approved your last post. You are responding to a part of a post that was deleted and the poster apologised. I don't think continuing with it is of any help to you.

    Thanks

    HS


  • Options
    #86
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,278 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    Adult@home - I honestly think that you should move out ASAP (immediately if possible).
    The fact that your mother is a functioning alcoholic means any additional funds you introduce into the household- will be drank.
    Yes, she is your mother, yes you feel a sense of obligation- and yes, at the time you came back (3 weeks ago) it seems you didn't have any other option.

    Get your bankcard back from her immediately. Even staying in a hostel for a few days- while you hunt for a house share- is preferable to knowingly increasing her alcohol budget.

    I have no idea how/why she didn't bother paying the rent- and the way you've put it, it would seem that you are going to pay the 180 arrears anyway- but you need to draw a line in the sand and get out of there.

    Enabling an alcoholic- by giving her additional funds to spend on alcohol- is not doing her or you any favours.


  • Options
    #87
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,282 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Adult@home wrote: »
    It's a council house. Rent is 60e per week. I had planned to cover that and suggest she puts 60e aside a week for herself to save rather than getting used to the extra money while i'm here. I'd planned to split bills as necessary and probably do main shopping together and then my extra bits i'd just pay for myself. I thought this was more than fair?

    her rent is 60 and she wants 200 from you? mental...


  • Options
    #88
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,282 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Xterminator wrote: »
    In what world should the person with a working income should expect the family member on a dole/pension to match their contribution to rent?

    Because the rent is set at a ridiculous low level, which enables them to afford it.
    try renting a house for 60 euro a week....


  • Options
    #89
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,282 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Deleted User wrote: »
    I'm sorry you've been through a rough time, but you've been home for weeks (months?) now. You're making excuses.

    You're 34, not a child, and your mother doesn't owe you a roof over your head. Have the conversation, formalise a set contribution per week/month towards rent/shared living costs and then you both know where you stand.

    In fairness the mother is is being living the roof over here head by the council, she is not providing it. Also is you go back to when she got the house, it was probably on the basis that she was a mother (possible single mother) with a kid, that kid being the op. So instead of a 1 bed studio, the council provided a bedroom for the mother and also for the op.


  • Options
    #90
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So had a chat earlier, agreed i'd pay rent and we'd split bills and this was seen as more than fair. We went down town and been asked to get the odd bit here and there is getting a bit OTT. Don't mind occasionally but it adds up.

    Hoping clean slate from next week will even things out.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #91
    Tork
    Registered Users Posts: 3,267 ✭✭✭Tork


    Glad to see you've reached a compromise. I still think you moving out before too long will be best for both of you in the longer term - still, it's a step in the right direction. Good luck with the jobhunting.


Advertisement