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Dealing with infidelity

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    #32
    BitteZuruck
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭BitteZuruck


    I came to post a follow up for anyone that cares. It's been almost 9 months since I found out about my wife's infidelity. In that time I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions. I found this thread on reddit that helped me a lot. I'm going to post it here as it is almost identical to my situation (minus the revenge affair). We're still together, we're still fighting. Some days are amazing and some are kinda ****. I still don't know if we will make it but we're still trying. If anyone else finds themselves in a similar situation take a read of this - https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/fgs0dj/the_7_stages_of_grief_after_an_affair/ it helped me out a lot.


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    #33
    Hiitsme
    Registered Users Posts: 68 ✭✭Hiitsme


    Hi, it's nice to hear your update. I'm glad to hear you are still hanging in there. I will check out the thread you recommended on Reddit. Take care.


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    #34
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    BitteZuruck wrote: »
    There are good days and there are bad days to be honest. It's never going to be fixed just like that.

    As I said, this might not last the test of time but if it does it's because she managed to regain my trust. If things don't improve over time then there will only be one outcome.

    In a situation like this if she isn't doing everything she can every second of the day to show her remorse for what happened, and putting her ego to one side, including having sex whenever and however you want it, then there is no hope. You might stay together, but you will be miserable. Sorry man, that's how I see it. Seen too many cases like this already. Lots of very bad outcomes from relationships like this.


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    #35
    osarusan
    Registered Users Posts: 16,553 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    Deleted User wrote: »
    In a situation like this if she isn't doing everything she can every second of the day to show her remorse for what happened, and putting her ego to one side, including having sex whenever and however you want it, then there is no hope. You might stay together, but you will be miserable. Sorry man, that's how I see it. Seen too many cases like this already. Lots of very bad outcomes from relationships like this.
    OP, please don't use this as a barometer for her feelings/remorse/efforts at reconciliation.


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    #36
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,717 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    including having sex whenever and however you want it, then there is no hope

    jesus that terrible advice! Perhaps that poster thinks she should be self flagellating and wearing a scarlet letter too! Thats is just drivel about her having to make sex available on demand regardless of her own feelings and mood etc.

    OP If you both are committed to making it work - that is the key. Has she committed with word and action? if so that's all you can ask for now.


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    #37
    hayoc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭hayoc


    Deleted User wrote: »
    In a situation like this if she isn't doing everything she can every second of the day to show her remorse for what happened, and putting her ego to one side, including having sex whenever and however you want it, then there is no hope. You might stay together, but you will be miserable. Sorry man, that's how I see it. Seen too many cases like this already. Lots of very bad outcomes from relationships like this.

    Thats not a realistic outcome for his wife. If they both work through it and she has genuine remorse and he accepts that then maybe they can draw a line under it and move on.

    But no marriage can survive with one person in a position where they have to constantly show remorse. In that situation I would be advising the wife to leave.

    OP - my ex husband cheated on me, there was a long term mistress and prostitutes.

    There was the cheating, but then there was the lies told to cover it up. The lies were worse for me. He did not come clean about any of it, but only admitted what I discovered evidence for. So there may well have been more I didnt know about and it may well have been going on longer than I knew about.

    For me, once a fundamental trust like that is broken, its gone forever. If I had stayed, I would always have been on alert wondering if innocent actions like putting his phone in his pocket was because he was hiding another girlfriend or prostitute from me.

    I appreciate it was a different situation to you and we did not have kids. But I could not stay in a place where my trust had been betrayed so fundamentally. No amount of counselling could get me past that.


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    #38
    BitteZuruck
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭BitteZuruck


    hayoc wrote: »
    Thats not a realistic outcome for his wife. If they both work through it and she has genuine remorse and he accepts that then maybe they can draw a line under it and move on.

    But no marriage can survive with one person in a position where they have to constantly show remorse. In that situation I would be advising the wife to leave.

    OP - my ex husband cheated on me, there was a long term mistress and prostitutes.

    There was the cheating, but then there was the lies told to cover it up. The lies were worse for me. He did not come clean about any of it, but only admitted what I discovered evidence for. So there may well have been more I didnt know about and it may well have been going on longer than I knew about.

    For me, once a fundamental trust like that is broken, its gone forever. If I had stayed, I would always have been on alert wondering if innocent actions like putting his phone in his pocket was because he was hiding another girlfriend or prostitute from me.

    I appreciate it was a different situation to you and we did not have kids. But I could not stay in a place where my trust had been betrayed so fundamentally. No amount of counselling could get me past that.

    This is what will make or break us. The trust. We are probably doing better than we have been at any point during our 12 years together however at any given moment and with no warning I will have trust issues. These usually come because of an innocuous comment or a situation where I think there might be the slightest chance that she will be unfaithful again.

    I will have to either learn to trust her again or not. She will have to work extremely hard to regain and maintain that trust. The odds are against us but time will tell if we make it or not.

    Thanks for the contributions. Some were very helpful some were not.

    Mods, feel free to lock this thread. I've nothing more to add.


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    #39
    Cupatae
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,915 ✭✭✭Cupatae


    BitteZuruck wrote: »
    Good evening folks. I'm coming here to vent, soul search and maybe, hopefully get some good advice.
    My wife and I have been together 12 years, we will be married 10 years in the summer and have two beautiful children.

    In January I found out that she had slept with an old friend of hers while attending his birthday party that was organised by his wife (another friend of hers).

    The infidelity happened in November. I found out because she had sent some explicit messages to him on WhatsApp. She didn't realise that WhatsApp was open on her computer and I saw the messages go between them.

    I confronted her straight away and she told me the usual, that it meant nothing, it was the first time that she had ever cheated on me... Ah the usual clichés that you hear and see in the movies.

    A lot has happened, we are currently seeing a couples counselor and have had some good days and some bad days. She has done baggage from her past and she is also seeing a counselor separately.

    Some days she makes me feel amazing and others I feel as though she's just tolerating me.

    When I found out about the cheating and after the initial fallout things got a lot better but it feels as though we're now slipping back into old familiar habits.

    I have not spoken to anyone close to me about this other than the couples counselor.

    I feel as though I'm on a rollercoaster here. My kids are the most important thing to me and I will do anything to protect them. I want them to grow up with living parents and not the product of a broken home.

    I'm sorry if I'm rambling here. I came here to make a coherent post but everything is so mixed up now that I don't know if I'm coming out going.

    I would love to hear from someone that was in my situation that made it work after their partner was unfaithful.

    Thanks for reading.



    There's two choices here...

    Cod yourself and deluded yourself into believing it was an accident and won't happen again, but the harsh truth is it wasn't a mistake she knew exactly what she was doing and wanted it. Think about it honestly.

    Or

    You can do the right thing, respect urself ruthlessly give her the bullet and be done with it and move on , loyalty is everything once it's gone it's gone. A clean decisive break will be better for you and your kids no point having a toxic environment at home in an attempt to make it work.

    Protect ur kids but you have to protect yourself aswell.


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    #40
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,938 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Thread closed as per OP's request.

    Thank you to all who offered help and advice.

    HS


This discussion has been closed.
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