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Dealing with infidelity
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24-03-2020 1:17am#1Good evening folks. I'm coming here to vent, soul search and maybe, hopefully get some good advice.
My wife and I have been together 12 years, we will be married 10 years in the summer and have two beautiful children.
In January I found out that she had slept with an old friend of hers while attending his birthday party that was organised by his wife (another friend of hers).
The infidelity happened in November. I found out because she had sent some explicit messages to him on WhatsApp. She didn't realise that WhatsApp was open on her computer and I saw the messages go between them.
I confronted her straight away and she told me the usual, that it meant nothing, it was the first time that she had ever cheated on me... Ah the usual clichés that you hear and see in the movies.
A lot has happened, we are currently seeing a couples counselor and have had some good days and some bad days. She has done baggage from her past and she is also seeing a counselor separately.
Some days she makes me feel amazing and others I feel as though she's just tolerating me.
When I found out about the cheating and after the initial fallout things got a lot better but it feels as though we're now slipping back into old familiar habits.
I have not spoken to anyone close to me about this other than the couples counselor.
I feel as though I'm on a rollercoaster here. My kids are the most important thing to me and I will do anything to protect them. I want them to grow up with living parents and not the product of a broken home.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling here. I came here to make a coherent post but everything is so mixed up now that I don't know if I'm coming out going.
I would love to hear from someone that was in my situation that made it work after their partner was unfaithful.
Thanks for reading.1
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BitteZuruck wrote: »I want them to grow up with living parents and not the product of a broken home.
Growing up with parents who don't love each other is growing up in a broken home.1 -
Keep going to couple counselling. It's tough going but you need that support to see this through. It comes down to this ... your marriage will survive if you BOTH want it to. You clearly love your wife as you are willing to forgive her betrayal. What is she saying? Is she remorseful? Is she willing to cut this friend out of her life forever? Does she still love you? (i.e. actually "in love"). Does she want the marriage to continue? Is she willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen ? If so, your Counsellor will work with you both to get you through this. Your marriage can survive. It can become even stronger (believe it or not).
On the other hand, if the desire/commitment/willingness is not there on her part, you are flogging a dead horse, I'm afraid. Utimately, she won't be happy and neither will you. The marriage will limp on for another few years but the inevitable will eventually happen. Your Counsellor is also trained to guide you both if the marriage cannot be saved. So keep going to counselling even if that is the case.
I am sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is. My marriage survived but only because we both really wanted it to. It really does come down to that. Good luck x0 -
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Keep going to couple counselling. It's tough going but you need that support to see this through. It comes down to this ... your marriage will survive if you BOTH want it to. You clearly love your wife as you are willing to forgive her betrayal. What is she saying? Is she remorseful? Is she willing to cut this friend out of her life forever? Does she still love you? (i.e. actually "in love"). Does she want the marriage to continue? Is she willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen ? If so, your Counsellor will work with you both to get you through this. Your marriage can survive. It can become even stronger (believe it or not).
On the other hand, if the desire/commitment/willingness is not there on her part, you are flogging a dead horse, I'm afraid. Utimately, she won't be happy and neither will you. The marriage will limp on for another few years but the inevitable will eventually happen. Your Counsellor is also trained to guide you both if the marriage cannot be saved. So keep going to counselling even if that is the case.
I am sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is. My marriage survived but only because we both really wanted it to. It really does come down to that. Good luck x
That's got your reply. Yes she has cut this person or of her life and she has been working hard to fix this. It's one of the only reasons that we're still together. Counseling is on the back burner until this virus passes. In the meantime we're enjoying spending time together as it seems we had drifted a bit apart before she cheated.
I'm happy to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel.0 -
Good. He needs to be completely out of the picture. I would be wary when she says there were no emotions involved tbh. Even so, feelings will fade if there is no contact (that's why it's so important). Affairs don't just happen. There is always a reason. You need to find out why then work on fixing it. She needs to be completely honest with you. But leave the hard discussions for when the counselling resumes. For now, just keep working on the relationship. Work on the friendship. If the emotional and physical intimacy is currently missing, it will resume eventually when the time is right. Counselling gets everything out on the table, the good, the bad, the ugly. Then, with the help of the Counsellor, you can work on piecing the marriage back together again.
I never thought it would be possible, but it worked in our case. BTW, I was the cheater so I can see things from your wife's perspective. My hubby was you. A good man who was willing to forgive me. I will be eternally grateful to have a husband who was willing to give me a second chance.0 -
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How do you know she didnt do this before? How do you know it was just one time or that there were other men? Bearing in mind that her word is worthless to you now that she has broken your trust in such a way. There could well have been.
These messages, certainly if explicit in nature don't sound like anybody regretted anything until they were caught.
Couples counselling sounds absurd to be honest. Sitting down so you can have blame attributed to you for something indefensible that she has done. Sounds like you're just prolonging the inevitable. Wont this always be in the back of your mind whenever she's out, or whenever you cant reach her? That's surely no way to live.
The reason why things are slipping is because she's just walked all over you like a doormat and you've taken it. Naturally the little respect there was from her to you is going to be diminished even further.0 -
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Does the friends wife know?0 -
Fair play to you if you can get over it and make things work. I don't think I could or would want to.
As much as it would kill me to have limited access to my children, I'm fairly sure I wouldn't be able to put the betrayal to one side. The fact that she betrayed both you/your kids and her own friend to do it makes it even worse than a "normal fling". I couldn't trust someone like that ever again.0 -
The fact that she was texting him explicitly afterwards doesn't sound like she viewed it as a mistake, it sounds like she was enjoying it! If you hadn't seen those messages and caught her out what would she be doing now?0
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Then again we're only hearing your side of the story.
Was she getting enough support, was she herself feeling lonely in the marriage?
Is there any gambling, drinking or was she getting bored of the same old same old?
Did ye work on the marriage?
I've seen it before, men or women getting bored or living in a controlling relationship and they just have enough and they act out and have an affair or join tinder or bumble with a nice photo not showing their face, but a nice profile all the same.
Or men being too soft and lacking masculinity which isn't attractive to a woman, she needs a strong man who's going to take leadership now and again and is his own man.
Likewise some guys give out about their partners nagging a lot, but that's because they're not feeling like they're in a partnership, because the woman of the house is doing everything.
A row or a moody partner isn't the end of the world, subconsciously we without realising it give out partners SH1T tests seeing how much sh1t they'll put up with therefore if a prospective partner can get over the sh1t times it shows that they are strong and not weak and ye can get middle ground together and cohesion.
I remember seeing a star trek series and they found a planet where they were all Irish and there was a lady who was really bossy and a leader and Riker was intrigued by her passion and lustre as a team leader.
I love a woman who is strong, feminine, caring and supportive.
Too many people are gone very soft now and bolt in the hard times.
Ive seen guys petrified to go home after work in case they get the face or women living with right bAztards who's idea of a marriage is no ****ty nappies, screaming kids, dirty hoodies, leggings and tracksuits.
These guys need a reality check and are not suited to family life.
My girlfriend is a single mum, she's a Dublin 4 extremely wealthy woman, who got a million in inheritance, bought a house in West Clare for 190,000 5 minute walk to the beach.
She's always wanted to get away from the city and relocate.
Sometimes I call out and she's wearing an old hoodie and a dirty pair of jeans gold hoopy earrings , her sons been busy drawing a picture with a crayon on the wall and she's a bit annoyed and needs an hour, I take him outside for a kick around.
She could just as well be standing outside a terraced house in Cloughlee in Ennis or Togher in Cork and not look out of place.
We both have our own houses in nice locations so we can have some variety and change.
But she's classy when she gets all dolled up and we head out for dinner.
Looks very like Ditta Von Teese, that classy looking 50s look and she loves romance and the old fashioned family way of life.
She could well afford to be dressed in expensive clothes have a nanny and be out driving around in an expensive car, but she chose a country style life.
That's the difference she's upper class but living the life she's happy with.
Im as rough as fck peppered in Tatoos, bearded and educated but I like being rugged and a bit scruffy.
Hygienically clean though.
I may sound like a sanctimonious prlck but I like the idea of the old fashioned partner ship where there's romance, team work and give and take.
I think this present scenario will test a lot people's marriages and partnerships.
I hope it works out for you Op I've been cheated on and I'll admit that I didn't keep the eye on the ball when I was needed the most by my exe.
This isn't to say you're a bad partner or did anything wrong as to end up cheated on, maybe you're a wonderful man and did everything you could.
I don't know the full story, sorry for the rant, and who's to say my partner isn't cheating on me either.
She could be, but I've no reason to think otherwise.
Wishing you a speedy recovery from your life situation and hope you can fix this.0 -
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Yes, I made sure that the guy told his wife as it felt that he was getting away scott free. There was a lot going on in our marriage before this happened and I am fairly confident that this did not happen before. Couples counseling had been very helpful despite what the other poster started, he's obviously never needed it. The thing is that this happened, I believe that it was the first time and I'm happy with that. We are taking about the training for the follow up message and the fact that it only stopped when I found out. It's harder and more complex than is possible to put into a thread on boards. I am certainly on high alert and she knows that she needs to rebuild my trust in her and that's what she's working on. Thanks for the perspective @hiitsme, it's good to get some perspective from the other sideSephiroth_dude wrote: »Does the friends wife know?0 -
BitteZuruck wrote: »I feel as though I'm on a rollercoaster here. My kids are the most important thing to me and I will do anything to protect them. I want them to grow up with living parents and not the product of a broken home.
I'm sorry if I'm rambling here. I came here to make a coherent post but everything is so mixed up now that I don't know if I'm coming out going.
I would love to hear from someone that was in my situation that made it work after their partner was unfaithful.
Thanks for reading.
your priorities are wrong , your main priority should be to yourself.
You can be a much better parent being content within yourself.
The "staying together for the kids" is such horse**** . the kids will know from a very early age that it's all sham anyway. It does them f all good and give them a warped sense of a proper loving relationship.
People who use this excuse are only doing so to avoid making tough life changing decisions.
Stay if you want , but stay for the right reasons i.e. you love your wife and want to make it work and she feels likewise. Otherwise end it.
anyway in answer to your question , I was in your situation.
It didn't last. Best life decision I ever made was to end it.0 -
Then again we're only hearing your side of the story.
Was she getting enough support, was she herself feeling lonely in the marriage?
Is there any gambling, drinking or was she getting bored of the same old same old?
Did ye work on the marriage?
I've seen it before, men or women getting bored or living in a controlling relationship and they just have enough and they act out and have an affair or join tinder or bumble with a nice photo not showing their face, but a nice profile all the same.
Or men being too soft and lacking masculinity which isn't attractive to a woman, she needs a strong man who's going to take leadership now and again and is his own man.
Likewise some guys give out about their partners nagging a lot, but that's because they're not feeling like they're in a partnership, because the woman of the house is doing everything.
A row or a moody partner isn't the end of the world, subconsciously we without realising it give out partners SH1T tests seeing how much sh1t they'll put up with therefore if a prospective partner can get over the sh1t times it shows that they are strong and not weak and ye can get middle ground together and cohesion.
I remember seeing a star trek series and they found a planet where they were all Irish and there was a lady who was really bossy and a leader and Riker was intrigued by her passion and lustre as a team leader.
I love a woman who is strong, feminine, caring and supportive.
Too many people are gone very soft now and bolt in the hard times.
Ive seen guys petrified to go home after work in case they get the face or women living with right bAztards who's idea of a marriage is no ****ty nappies, screaming kids, dirty hoodies, leggings and tracksuits.
These guys need a reality check and are not suited to family life.
My girlfriend is a single mum, she's a Dublin 4 extremely wealthy woman, who got a million in inheritance, bought a house in West Clare for 190,000 5 minute walk to the beach.
She's always wanted to get away from the city and relocate.
Sometimes I call out and she's wearing an old hoodie and a dirty pair of jeans gold hoopy earrings , her sons been busy drawing a picture with a crayon on the wall and she's a bit annoyed and needs an hour, I take him outside for a kick around.
She could just as well be standing outside a terraced house in Cloughlee in Ennis or Togher in Cork and not look out of place.
We both have our own houses in nice locations so we can have some variety and change.
But she's classy when she gets all dolled up and we head out for dinner.
Looks very like Ditta Von Teese, that classy looking 50s look and she loves romance and the old fashioned family way of life.
She could well afford to be dressed in expensive clothes have a nanny and be out driving around in an expensive car, but she chose a country style life.
That's the difference she's upper class but living the life she's happy with.
Im as rough as fck peppered in Tatoos, bearded and educated but I like being rugged and a bit scruffy.
Hygienically clean though.
I may sound like a sanctimonious prlck but I like the idea of the old fashioned partner ship where there's romance, team work and give and take.
I think this present scenario will test a lot people's marriages and partnerships.
I hope it works out for you Op I've been cheated on and I'll admit that I didn't keep the eye on the ball when I was needed the most by my exe.
This isn't to say you're a bad partner or did anything wrong as to end up cheated on, maybe you're a wonderful man and did everything you could.
I don't know the full story, sorry for the rant, and who's to say my partner isn't cheating on me either.
She could be, but I've no reason to think otherwise.
Wishing you a speedy recovery from your life situation and hope you can fix this.
Thanks buddy, and you've hit the nail on the head. I think we both let things slip and this was the outcome. My wife had an extremely difficult time with our children and she devoted many years to them. I really just think that she wanted to forget about these hard times and was weak. I also believe that the follow up messages were her keeping the excitement going, something that has been missing in the marriage for a while. Since I found out about this we have addressed a lot and are communicating more. I've been present in the family more, something that I let slip and things are looking up. I thought long and hard about keeping or losing my dignity over this but I certainly think that she had some moments of weakness but she is working hard on our relationship as am I.0 -
It seems like you are only looking for positive affirmation about the decision you have made. Not sure what you are looking for other than that to be honest.
The reality is she betrayed you in the worst possible way. In doing so she demonstrated that she has no respect for you as a man or partner. She had sex with another man while married to you. She broke every commitment she made to you. She exchanged explicit texts with him. Her word is worth nothing. Nothing she said in the past or says in the future can be trusted. You will constantly be on edge wondering where she is, who she is talking to or what she is doing.
You've decided she only did it once (because her word is worth something?) couples counselling is going great ( because as expected you have taken blame for being absent and not communicating, as if that justifies things, LOL) and trust is being rebuilt (somehow?).
You're obviously happy with that. Even thanking the other admitted cheater for their input. Best of luck to you.0 -
matthewmurdock wrote: »It seems like you are only looking for positive affirmation about the decision you have made. Not sure what you are looking for other than that to be honest.
The reality is she betrayed you in the worst possible way. In doing so she demonstrated that she has no respect for you as a man or partner. She had sex with another man while married to you. She broke every commitment she made to you. She exchanged explicit texts with him. Her word is worth nothing. Nothing she said in the past or says in the future can be trusted. You will constantly be on edge wondering where she is, who she is talking to or what she is doing.
You've decided she only did it once (because her word is worth something?) couples counselling is going great ( because as expected you have taken blame for being absent and not communicating, as if that justifies things, LOL) and trust is being rebuilt (somehow?).
You're obviously happy with that. Even thanking the other admitted cheater for their input. Best of luck to you.
OK dude, you need to take a deep breath and relax. You're taking a lot of liberties here ... "...because as expected you have taken blame for being absent..." You have no idea what happened in counselling and you've obviously no experience of it either as you're so far off the mark it's ridiculous. You're right about another thing and that is that I will be on edge when she goes out without me but this is where the trust will be rebulit from. If you read my OP you will see that I was looking for comments of couples that went through this and came out the other side.
You're also right that she betrayed me in the worst possible way but let's be honest here, who has never made a mistake in their life? I know this is a big one but nothing is black and white and this is no exception. Maybe things will work out for us and maybe they won't but I'm not going down without a fight. She is certainly willing to fight for us too and for now that's good enough for me.0 -
paw patrol wrote: »your priorities are wrong , your main priority should be to yourself.
You can be a much better parent being content within yourself.
The "staying together for the kids" is such horse**** . the kids will know from a very early age that it's all sham anyway. It does them f all good and give them a warped sense of a proper loving relationship.
People who use this excuse are only doing so to avoid making tough life changing decisions.
Stay if you want , but stay for the right reasons i.e. you love your wife and want to make it work and she feels likewise. Otherwise end it.
anyway in answer to your question , I was in your situation.
It didn't last. Best life decision I ever made was to end it.
Thanks for this comment. You're right I am thinking about myself and this is what is right for me now. As I just mentioned in another comment, right now she is committed to fixing the past and that is what is good enough for me for now. Only time will tell if we can get past this.0 -
BitteZuruck wrote: »She is certainly willing to fight for us too and for now that's good enough for me.
"And others I feel as though she's just tolerating me.
When I found out about the cheating and after the initial fallout things got a lot better but it feels as though we're now slipping back into old familiar habits."
Sounds like a herculean effort to be fair to her.0 -
There are good days and there are bad days to be honest. It's never going to be fixed just like that.matthewmurdock wrote: »"And others I feel as though she's just tolerating me.
When I found out about the cheating and after the initial fallout things got a lot better but it feels as though we're now slipping back into old familiar habits."
Sounds like a herculean effort to be fair to her.
As I said, this might not last the test of time but if it does it's because she managed to regain my trust. If things don't improve over time then there will only be one outcome.0 -
You might take a listen to Esther Perel and see what she has to say on this. Very interesting. Her book - Mating in Captivity is particularly good.
You will both bring you baggage to the relationship. That will be your patterns of how you see life, how you disagree and make up etc. The conventional approach/ narrative mostly is quite black and white - unforgivable, dump her, move on etc..... BUT I think every case is different and there is always two sides , always.
So. See how it goes, decide for yourselves not what other people think.
Good Luck.0 -
Finchie1276 wrote: »You might take a listen to Esther Perel and see what she has to say on this. Very interesting. Her book - Mating in Captivity is particularly good.
You will both bring you baggage to the relationship. That will be your patterns of how you see life, how you disagree and make up etc. The conventional approach/ narrative mostly is quite black and white - unforgivable, dump her, move on etc..... BUT I think every case is different and there is always two sides , always.
So. See how it goes, decide for yourselves not what other people think.
Good Luck.
Thanks for this and you're right there is always 2 sides and I've only posted my side to this thread. I was responsible is some ways for what happened, not directly but indirectly.
I've made mistakes in this marriage and I'm willing to accept those mistake, my wife has made different mistakes and she has accepted them. In many ways her mistake was less than mine, in other ways it was worse, her's just hurt me more.
As I already mentioned, this is more complex than my OP and we're working through it. I really appreciate all the comments to this post.
Bizarrely this whole quarantine had made things 100 times better in the Relationship.
Thanks again for your response. I'll check it that book.0 -
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Everyone is entitled to their opinion and people will naturally judge but there is always a backstory to infidelity. There is always a reason. In my case, I could see what was happening within our marriage and I spent years trying to fix it. I told my husband what was wrong, what we needed to do to address the issue and what the future held if we didn't resolve it. My husband listened to me, nodded in agreement but then went back to burying his head in the sand. This went on for years. I became increasingly desperately unhappy and spiralled into depression. I ended up having a breakdown. I remember kneeling in front of my hubby on the kitchen floor crying/begging for help. He still did nothing. He didn't even pick me up off the floor. He went back to the sand pit! That is when I sought comfort elsewhere. That comfort filled a void within me for a while but ultimately it didn't resolve what was wrong in my marriage. The problems still remained. I told my husband about my affair btw. I couldn't lie to him. It was a massive wake up call for him. I did consider leaving the marriage for a time ... I considered all the options. I've no doubt my hubby considered his options during that time too (throwing me out, walking away etc). But in the end we both came to a realisation ... he didn't want to lose me and I didn't want to lose my marriage. He finally agreed to go to couple counselling and with the help of our Counsellor we started to rake through the ashes of our marriage. Everything was brought out on the table and we both took responsibility for our respective failings within the marriage. Once everything is honestly acknowledged, in the presence of a third party (the Counsellor), then the healing can begin. It is possible to come out the other side. I hope my story gives you hope.0
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What's the point in this thread? Hey my wife cheated on me but I'm cool with it, peace.0
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This was the point of the post, peaceBitteZuruck wrote: »I would love to hear from someone that was in my situation that made it work after their partner was unfaithful.0 -
Wimbledon 2021 wrote: »It's a strange world. For some people being fukced by another person gives them comfort, whatever floats your boat.
The comfort came more from the emotional support I received, not necessarily physical. I appreciate people will judge but unless you've been through something like this you cannot fully understand. I most certainly did not have an affair simply for sex (maybe some people do). It was much more complicated. I have held back a lot of detail as this is a public forum. The OP came on here to ask if anyone's relationship survived an affair. I shared my story to give him hope. The moral aspect of affairs is for another thread.0 -
Hi OP,
First of all I'm sorry you are going through this.
Secondly you need to put yourself first, this might seem foreign to you if you've become accustomed to putting others first but it's necessary right now.
I've been where you are, discovered an affair, went to counselling for a long time, everything was great, better I would have said only to find myself back in the exact same situation less than two years later.
I'm glad I gave it a shot though because I know I tried 100%. Yes affairs happen for many reasons but believe me when I say this is not about you.
You will get the information in drips, just when you have come to terms with something you'll get another shock. In my experience they will only admit to what they think you know or what they can get away with.
Only you know if you can get through this, listen to your gut, I ignored a lot of my gut feelings. You'll know yourself if something is off.
Having been through everything I've been through I would have left the first time. Life is short, you owe it to yourself to have the one you deserve.
I wish you luck.0 -
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I won't lie this happened to my marriage and I would not forgive, in fact I couldn't forgive her, when you're in a relationship whether its marriage/partnership trust is all you have. You can love a person but if you can't trust them, then I say its over. But I wonder are you keeping the marriage together because if you leave you have to start again, move out/new friends/ dating etc. I also wonder if it was you would she be so forgiving? I would imagine when this can if worms opened up, you found it hard to sleep, eat, also the turmoil of mental torment whether she'd stay or go to him. Well if it happens again you'll go through all them emotions again. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.
But one word of advice never let anybody who is disloyal to you make you feel guilty, there the one who betrayed you. Not the other way round0 -
BitteZuruck wrote: »Yes, I made sure that the guy told his wife as it felt that he was getting away scott free. There was a lot going on in our marriage before this happened and I am fairly confident that this did not happen before. Couples counseling had been very helpful despite what the other poster started, he's obviously never needed it. The thing is that this happened, I believe that it was the first time and I'm happy with that. We are taking about the training for the follow up message and the fact that it only stopped when I found out. It's harder and more complex than is possible to put into a thread on boards. I am certainly on high alert and she knows that she needs to rebuild my trust in her and that's what she's working on. Thanks for the perspective @hiitsme, it's good to get some perspective from the other side
This has been bothering me all day, you didnt really have to do that. It just sounds like revenge to me. What if his wife decides to have a fling in return, and he finds out and murders her.
Doubling the misery wont move anyone any further in the right direction. Your wife might have thought more of you, had you decided to let it go and say nothing, and keep your focus on making things better between you and her.0 -
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Mod note:
As the OP hasn't been back to this thread in well over a month, I think it's time to call it a day.
OP if you need the thread reopened, please just let me know.0
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This discussion has been closed.
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