Have you ever been in love in the romantic sense?

18-07-2020 2:33am

Arghus wrote: »

Yes.

You are a bit mad in the head at the time, but in the best way possible.

Almost anything feels possible and the things that aren't don't really matter.

The first bit, yes. Not sure if I've ever experienced the second bit. Anytime I've fallen in love, which I'd say is two and a half times, it's been a painful experience. Painful is the wrong word, but an ordeal.

Because you're trying to balance your old independent life with wanting them around, and then the multiplied sadness when petty arguments turn into rows, and all the intensity of a relationship. Being willing to do anything for someone and then arguing over trivial things, it's a very confusing time in a person's life

I've never had a fairytale loving relationship, I wonder how common it is.

dd973 · 18-07-2020 3:04am

Unrequitedly yes, but not worth the bother of putting yourself through the wringer if it's not a mutual brain melt, come to the conclusion that pretty much most of the successful relationships and marriages you see have that 'arranged' vibe about them, akin to a mutual pact for social status, money, having children before the bio clock ticks out.

18-07-2020 3:09am

Yeah..a couple of times probably..

I kind of came to the conclusion that you get three chances at a major love..

But you can't take your eye off it.. once you take it for granted it can be lost..

At this stage I don't know if I believe in love for myself anymore..I definitely still believe in it for others though, so that kind of still brings me some consolation..

I think it's quite sad that some people are saying they've never been in love.. I think in the current times of internet dating and pick up artists and everything I think we're in danger of losing proper romantic love.. It would be the most tragic loss..

Gremlinertia · 18-07-2020 3:11am

Tldr, anyone asked about non-romantic love?.

Heckler · 18-07-2020 4:33am

Yup. A lot of good years that unfortunately ended. Best days of my life. Waking up of a morning with someone you love curled around you, breathing their warm breath into your neck, asleep but grasping your hand. Being in love is amazing.

18-07-2020 5:46am

Surely

It must have been love
But it's over now

ILoveYourVibes · 18-07-2020 7:45am

Nope.

But I love romantic stories!

DoozerT6 · 18-07-2020 9:17am

No. Never been in love, never been loved.

And please stop saying "it's better to have loved and lost...", and "it'll happen when you least expect it" etc, because for those whom it never happened for, it's a knife twist in the guts. Just say nothing.

Deja Boo · 18-07-2020 9:21am

I have... but can't say it's better to have loved and lost, cos losing bites.

notsoyoungwan · 18-07-2020 9:23am

For me,it was the sense that whenever I was with him, I was ok. I was safe, we were together, we’d be fine. We could be in a desert, up a mountainside, anywhere, but as long as we were side by side we’d be grand.

18-07-2020 9:39am

Deja Boo wrote: »

I have... but can't say it's better to have loved and lost, cos losing bites.

Experience is king.

Better to have the experience as it prepares you {somewhat} for the next time. It gives you the perspective regarding what's important, and helps to avoid the pitfalls that went before (although we might step into those traps voluntarily)

Wanderer78 · 18-07-2020 9:47am

Sheridan81 wrote:

Not gonna reveal my age, but I'm certain it's not gonna happen for me; almost past it really. I think I might have schizoid personality disorder (not as scary as it sounds).

Was thinking you could be autistic, but as you said you maybe a cluster a, very similar issues, I'm autistic myself, and I've been in love a couple of times, currently am, I've generally found it to be an extremely painful experience unfortunately

friendlyfun · 18-07-2020 9:55am

I did at 21, I am 25 atm. Haven't had love only on that occasion. I was very heart broken and the first time in my life I experienced mental health problems. I think what I found hard to accept was that I thought the other person loved me, when really they didn't have the same feelings they did before. Like a candle burning to the end of the wick I guess, when its gone its more or less gone.

Wibbs · 18-07-2020 10:00am

JupiterKid wrote: »

As the saying goes: “It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

I'd change that slightly to "it is better to have loved and lost interest than to never have loved at all".

Yep. Twice. A fantastic feeling indeed, though can be self delusional and maddening at times too and the resultant hangover when it goes south is the polar opposite of fantastic.

As for "love at first sight", never had that. I've had interest at first sight alright and a fairly rapid infatuation of sorts, but the love at first sight thing is, unless someone believes in magical things(which love tends to make you prone to), by definition a fancy of the mind, a self delusion based on a mix of happenstance, sexual interest and projection of an inner template of the "perfect partner" onto a effective stranger. One of potentially millions of people the same person might feel the same about.

Of those who have told me that they "just knew from the first moment" over the years I'd reckon half of them aren't with that person any more. The other half are and reinforced in their belief in the fate of it all(which also makes them work harder for the relationship, even if and when it's meh). How many are with their first love? Very few these days and when in the throes of that the notion of an end in sight was impossible to conjure.

For the half still in it it's great, not so much for the half that are not. Though people can have easily overwritten memories which helps. Then again it's one of our strongest impulses designed to make us hook up and make little genetic copies of ourselves and if delusion is required or not then...

Cynical? Moi?

Though as a sure proof of how powerful the emotion/neurochemical mix is I was in love twice.

quickbeam · 18-07-2020 10:00am

No, not ever, and not for a "daughter or son or family or Jesus" either.

Maybe it's not in my DNA to be capable. Though I have felt love for pets, so I don't know.

Gruffalux · 18-07-2020 10:24am

The love at first sight as pure projection is a tad cynical. I remember clearly what I felt the first time I saw my husband. He was on a bus. At a distance from me. He had a lopsided smile, he did not see me. He had golden hair on his arms and legs. He was so relaxed in his body, like a free animal. Just totally at peace and content He was wearing cut up denim shorts, sandals, a short sleeved shirt open down the front- it was a warm place abroad. He worn a red bandana knotted around his neck and his hair was curly and shoulder length. I felt a completely overwhelming almost psychedelic sensation, it was not sexual, it was an innocent sense of being mesmerised, like a psychic recognition or deja vu, or some kind of compression of time where the whole of past and future contracted. It was literally as though he was illuminated by one of those angelic shafts of light in esoteric paintings.

I got off the bus and presumed I would never see him again and that did not matter. I did not even think anymore about it, just flowed on with what I was doing in my life at that time. It was a whole experience worthy of being beginning middle and end and I just felt a sort of happiness and confidence that all was well with the world.

I did see him again, as it happened.

touts · 18-07-2020 10:31am

Sheridan81 wrote: »

I'm talking about the Dirty Dancing, Grease, standing on the bows of the Titanic with Kate Winslet type of love.

I haven't. It's a complete mystery to me.

The Dirty Dancing, Grease, Titanic type isn't love. It's Holiday lust. At best it's Holiday romance. They are great. But they aren't love. They are two weeks of intense intimacy and lust. Two weeks that you will probably remember for the rest of your life. It is like a great one night stand repeated every day over two weeks. Towards the end as you both lie in bed realizing the flights are now hours not days away you might even think you are in love. But it isn't love.

Love is different to those experiences. Perhaps those experiences could develop into love (one woman I know met her husband on a holiday, and were married 2 years later) but it is no different to any other way of meeting a future partner. I love my wife in a way I never felt about any other girlfriend I had over the years.

So if you have never had a Dirty Dancing or Titanic type experience that's a pity but that's all it ia. It does not mean you will not find love so don't lose hope OP.

18-07-2020 10:35am

Not really no

Fair play and all to those,who do though

Wibbs · 18-07-2020 10:51am

Gruffalox wrote: »

The love at first sight as pure projection is a tad cynical.

It is, though it's far more based in reality and provably so too.

I've had a couple of oh wow transcendent moments similar to what you describe, though maybe my previous usage of hallucinogenics has primed me to be aware of how the oul brain chemistry can conjure up fancies.

Now in those cases if I had ended up with one then it was "fate" if I didn't it was also "fate" though both positions are a delusion. The result is the result.

I have found women to be much more prone to these kind of moments of transcendental feelings around love and more prone to explain them away in "magical" terms and the sexual is usually hidden for want of a better word. Romantic fiction is one of the most popular worldwide phenomenons and is translated into a multitude of languages and seems to go over just as well in Bali as well and Belgium and they're chock full of that stuff. It's nearly always the exact same colour by numbers narrative too. So it's clearly appealing. Men's fiction tends more towards tech and bombs and guns and pneumatic dolly birds(who are often also genius scientist types though not smarter than Our Hero™) and usually a queue of them. Simple creatures we are.

18-07-2020 10:54am

Deja Boo wrote: »

Tis a wise thought, and I understand what you mean, completely.

But for me, he always was and always will be the only one, regardless. You can say what you will about "move on" and "next time" - my love seems to run much deeper than that - which isn't ideal, but it is what it is.

Ahh no.. I'd never tell someone to move on... because I never have myself.

The heart is limitless. There's room in there for every person you ever love.. and for me, my own three experiences of love were different to each other. I love them all still, and I expect I always will.

My first love is from over two decades ago, and I still remember her scent, and the way she smiled in the morning. Just as with my last love, I also remember her particular scent, and the way her face scrunched up when she saw something she thought was cute.

For me, my memories of my past loves are extremely important. I don't dwell on them, but they're a constant presence in my mind.

Castlekeeper · 18-07-2020 10:56am

The Tide wrote: »

No, never experienced love. I have experienced unrequited love a number of times.

When I was around 21 I met the perfect girl. She was beautiful and we really connected. We could talk for hours and I could make her laugh all night. One night we hooked up. The next day, her friend told me that she regretted it and didn't want it to happen again...to say that hurt... well it's been over 10 years and I'm still not over her. I often think how different my life could have been.

Now I'm in my 30s and cynical about life and love. Met a couple of women over the years that I had strong feelings for but no luck.

That sucks, but it usually wears off after about 10 years, you just get sick of it, and usually if you see them again it's a case of "What was I thinking!" (in my experience anyway).
Your 30's is a good time to meetime someone , the money: looks balance is in a good place.
Or maybe she'll have watched "Normal People" and learnt from it???
Maybe try her again sure?

Wibbs · 18-07-2020 10:57am

The Tide wrote: »

When I was around 21 I met the perfect girl. She was beautiful and we really connected. We could talk for hours and I could make her laugh all night. One night we hooked up. The next day, her friend told me that she regretted it and didn't want it to happen again...to say that hurt... well it's been over 10 years and I'm still not over her. I often think how different my life could have been.

You have to consider the "what then?" part too. Imagine she hadn't regretted it(which is the point I'd have pulled the Eject!! lever painful though it might have been) and you went out together, what then? Live happily ever after? Unlikely as many if not the majority of relationships at 21 go south.

The hardest "love" to get over is the what if imaginary kind. The mind gets locked into a fantasy of the other person, one that reality could never match and no flesh and blood woman either. And it's not love imho. It's one sided and quite self involved. Love needs to go both ways for it to be any way real.

Mister Vain · 18-07-2020 11:08am

No, not in the way that people here have described anyway. I've had strong feelings for 2 women in my life but I don't think I could call it love as I wasn't exactly devastated when the relationships ended.

Wibbs · 18-07-2020 11:58am

The Tide wrote: »

I honestly think missing out on young love screws you up.

I would agree for the most part actually. It sets a template of sorts for future relationships. If it's a healthy template as most people's experience is, then fine, if unhealthy...

The Tide wrote: »

You could be right, but this is a girl who would spend hours talking to me, who would be bent over laughing at my jokes, who found me attractive to spend half a night kissing me. Surely she felt something too?

Oh I'm sure she felt something. Just a different something to you and yours went from 0-60 faster than a Bugatti. Plus at 21 the something can be more prone to changing with the wind of emotion or the contents of pants, or drink. Sobriety is a great game changer. You got locked into a mindset, she didn't. It happens all the time.

I mean if she wasn't the one for me then I really don't know.

For a start there isn't The One™©. There's no fate, no perfect person just for you. That's an appealing thought(though I personally find it terrifying) but a fantasy of Mills and Boon and the oft lazy writing of Hollywood hacks. It doesn't exist unless you believe it to and ended up with one person. There are billions of people on this planet and someone somehow finds The One™© in a sticky floored nightclub, or the 48b bus at the exact time and age for it to happen? Nope. Total delusion, which as I said the love brain chemicals foster and all the helpful and unhelpful delusions the human mind is err to.

Take your The One™©. Maybe she's with some bloke now who she thinks is The One™© and he thinks the same as her, until they're not. Or maybe they go on to a semi dee and a brood of kids. Who knows, but it does seem that there are an awful number of The One™© around.

18-07-2020 12:22pm

Deja Boo wrote: »

Tis a wise thought, and I understand what you mean, completely.

But for me, he always was and always will be the only one, regardless. You can say what you will about "move on" and "next time" - my love seems to run much deeper than that - which isn't ideal, but it is what it is.

Ditto.
For me I don't think the love part (and it is fantastic) can outweigh the lost part if it involves a heartbreak . I'd never fall completely in love again, couldn't risk the possibility of another heartbreak that genuinely nearly broke me. I might go 90% but never 100% again, I'm a complete cynic now, I dont even trust my friends OHs ,I'm convinced they're all cheating lol.

Dial Hard · 18-07-2020 12:26pm

Man this thread is depressing.

PhilOssophy · 18-07-2020 12:27pm

Absolutely. Sure Kate Winslet had only met Jack a few hours earlier. It was hardly love in that length was it?

Just like me and that wan behind the local soccer dressing rooms after cans with the lads. Had only met her a few hours earlier. It was love, of course, without Celine Dion playing in the background.........

Signore Fancy Pants · 18-07-2020 12:28pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Man this thread is depressing.

I love you Dial Hard.

Dial Hard · 18-07-2020 12:29pm

Signore Fancy Pants wrote: »

I love you Dial Hard.

Why thanks SFP. I think there's others here more in need of it than me, though...

Gruffalux · 18-07-2020 12:32pm

The Tide wrote: »

I honestly think missing out on young love screws you up.

I think for sure that it must get harder as one grows older and becomes somewhat tarnished by life. Youth is so insanely idealistic. But it has to be. Youth is setting off on an impossible journey.
If I was giving anyone young advice I would say do not imagine you are in a relationship supermarket with infinite goodies.
I also think that what one sees as a child forms patterns. Both sides of our families were stable marriages made young, plus aunties and uncles the same, and as a child you watch people grow old together unto death and hardship and it is formative. All siblings in our large families on both sides married young and are stable. A working class thing too where there was less money or energy for bohemianism. Kids are doing same, long relationships formed young.
I remember a brother in law saying many years ago that the rave scene and E really screwed up love for a lot of people. The overwhelming group love scenarios with grandiose declarations, that met cold dawns where the same people could hardly speak to each other.

Have you ever been in love in the romantic sense?

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