Living together

Neyite · 08-04-2020 12:02AM

I don't think I've seen any post of yours where you describe your love for him. Or that you fancy him. And I think that's the vibe that's concerning most of us. It's not people trying to pry out of you what your sex life is like, it's just that you've not mentioned your love for him as any of your reasons for joining your life to his for life.

And the worry is that you'll be here in a few years asking posters what to do about your unhappy marriage with a guy who's a good dad, a good provider and just a nice guy but you've got the ick and are miserable. We've seen so many of those threads on here and there's never an easy solution for anyone in the family.

Teach30 · 08-04-2020 12:06AM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

. But what is more attractive is a work ethic and a willingness to work, and go out there and earn.

? If the money ever goes is that the marriage over?

All very valid points, in your post. We are both hard workers so well matched that way. If one of us ended up jobless and we are married then of course we’d stick it out. I would have no problem with that.

I just wouldnt marry someone with a poor work ethic.

Teach30 · 08-04-2020 12:10AM

Neyite wrote: »

I don't think I've seen any post of yours where you describe your love for him. Or that you fancy him. And I think that's the vibe that's concerning most of us. It's not people trying to pry out of you what your sex life is like, it's just that you've not mentioned your love for him as any of your reasons for joining your life to his for life.

And the worry is that you'll be here in a few years asking posters what to do about your unhappy marriage with a guy who's a good dad, a good provider and just a nice guy but you've got the ick and are miserable. We've seen so many of those threads on here and there's never an easy solution for anyone in the family.

I don’t see the relevance of posting gushing review of my love for him but then I’m not a very emotional person. I wouldn’t be marrying him if I didn’t love him and what he brings to the relationship - which I have said in previous posts.

bigpink · 08-04-2020 01:06AM

Think you need to slow things down,get outa of home for a year and live with partner.

December2012 · 08-04-2020 07:42AM

Look, there is something bothering you. There is something going on here. Would you go and have a talk with a therapist or a counsellor just so that you can help yourself sort out what is getting to you?

Febreeze · 08-04-2020 11:19AM

I'll be honest here.

I've taken the "housewife approach" just for the fact that I'll get things done quicker. Myself and my partner have lived together for years and it's just fell into place that I done the majority of the cleaning and cooking just for the fact that I've the control there. But my partner however, would have more or less control of the fianance part. Bills. Savings etc. Nothing to do with he's a bloke and I'm a girl. It just falls into these places.

Other couples are different. Some men prefer to clean, some women would rather sort the money. Some couples do it equally. Some so it separately. Some couples I know literally live seperate lives altogether and do their own things then I know one couple who sit on each others lip day in and day out. There's no right or wrong answer to how a couple should and shouldn't live.

My friend and her partner absolutely stress me with the lack of cleaning they do and the amount of money they spend..but that suits them. My friend thinks it's ridiculous that I do the majority of the cleaning and cooking and thinks that a woman should be more than just cleaning and cooking but I can't stress that I would rather do it myself and have it done and over with then nagging. I can't be bothered nagging.It's just down to the person.

If you're stressing out now about living together and worrying about being landed with doing everything and knowing his job is long hours and upsetting yourself if you're not ready to take it all on, then reconsider your choices. I've to he harsh here but there's no argument in my opinion. My hours are less than my partners, it wouldn't even occur to me that he works too much or I don't see him enough. Its life. We work. Bills to he paid. Our evenings are spent watching telly in a clean house with the bills paid. Both fed. The only complaints I have is not being able to go away for the next few months. But stressing over this, is a little bit extreme.

If you're engaged and you know his working life then marriage isn't going to change his working hours or how you run the house. It'll be harder to get out of if you hit a wall one day and literally say enough is enough. I hardly doubt he's doing his job to annoy the hell out of you. It's what he's done since you met so therefore it's not going to change.

It's up to you what you want to do. You can complain till the cows come come but at the end of the day you're only annoying yourself. It probably hasn't even occured to him of any changes, just the fact that he's a married man. Men are laid back creatures at the best of times.

qwerty13 · 09-04-2020 03:04AM

Not that I’m speaking for everyone here, but you just sound really unhappy. And incredibly into money.

You described a long number of posts ago about ‘having nothing to lose’ by marrying. That’s a terribly sad reaction. Do you really love this guy? This might explain why you had no interest in planning your wedding. I get that people aren’t into favours / props / candy carts - but you did come across as very very little interest.

It sounds like you marrying is also tied, in your views anyway, into ‘respect’ from your parents, and money now, and inheritance later. What about what you want? As in a loving relationship that you want to be in? You’re making it sound like a business arrangement. Is he a rich farmer too? The reason I ask is that it almost comes across as a consolidation of assets.

If it genuinely makes you happy, ok. But it really comes across like it doesn’t. I think these strange times are going cause a bit of self-examination in people, but you sound like you’d started that before all this. It’s an easy question, but with hard answers: do you know what you want from life to make you truly happy? Is being ‘nothing to lose’ really what you’re settling for?

Star Fish · 09-04-2020 03:42AM

Hi if you laugh & Joke together as a couple you'll be fine!
Set jobs for each other as in
. Can u clean tomo
Can u cook?
If not there needs to be a convo
If it's left to one person it deffo won't work

lastusername · 09-04-2020 12:04PM

OP, if you know you love him and that you're having fun and enjoying life together already, then you'll be fine when you're married too. It's not going to be that much different and the worry around domestic stuff is just worried thinking and not something to be concerned about, like I (and others possibly) have said before.

I think what some are driving it as is it sounds like it could be the case that you feel that this is the path you should be going down, based on what's expected of you, what you feel you should be doing, or what's 'normal'.

We can make ourselves small and make our world small when we believe this is how it should be. But there is no 'right path', it's just what's right for us, not what other people think is what should happen.

eviltwin · 09-04-2020 02:33PM

I hope you have been given some helpful advice here OP. Some of it may have been hard to read but remember its coming from a place of concern, no one here wants to see you unhappy.

A lot of the stuff you are concerned about, division of labour and so on, is normal for any couple. Its just the most of us have dealt with all that before we commit to marry. So you're not unique in that.

I think people have picked up on the language used in your posts. Worries about managing the house aside, it doesn't sound like the posting of someone excited to be getting married to the man of their dreams. Qwerty made a great point about it sounding like a business arrangement, there's no emotion in your posts. No one is expecting you to gush about him but the lack of any real insight into your relationship makes it harder for people to advise you.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best and hope you will be truly happy with married life.

Jade2015 · 22-06-2020 07:19PM

I'd be running for the hills of I were you. When you have kids together, YOU will also be doing 99% of the child rearing on top of working, house chores, shopping etc. I went through this with my now Ex who is a farmer. I got the same speal that he would have more free time once his milking parlour was complete. When the parlour was finished (he then had the debt to pay for parlour)this never happened and instead he kept on taking on more work and contract work that meant he was out ploughing other peoples fields etc until 1 or 2am for the season every year on top of all the farming work. I was always referred by him as being Lazy, even though I worked from home full time, took care of the child rearing and household. He had his mammy do everything for him before he met me.
Live with this guy first before marriage.

Teach30 · 22-06-2020 08:33PM

Jade2015 wrote: »

I'd be running for the hills of I were you. When you have kids together, YOU will also be doing 99% of the child rearing on top of working, house chores, shopping etc. I went through this with my now Ex who is a farmer. I got the same speal that he would have more free time once his milking parlour was complete. When the parlour was finished (he then had the debt to pay for parlour)this never happened and instead he kept on taking on more work and contract work that meant he was out ploughing other peoples fields etc until 1 or 2am for the season every year on top of all the farming work. I was always referred by him as being Lazy, even though I worked from home full time, took care of the child rearing and household. He had his mammy do everything for him before he met me.
Live with this guy first before marriage.

Hi Jade thanks, sorry things didn’t work out for you. Did ye live together first?

I know what you mean about farmers always working all hours and mothers are very bad to train their sons sometimes. I see my own brothers who don’t know how to wash their clothes properly and you’d have to feel sorry for them - work clothes take more than just a spin in the machine. I’m grand with the long hours I grew up around that so it’s normal to me.
We are undecided what to do as it’s great way to save money not living together. We have very little expenses at the minute. I’d rather put the savings into nice furniture and the house etc than paying out for rent at the moment and it’s only for another few months so I’d say that’s what we’ll do. I wouldn’t marry him if I thought I didn’t know him and I do - he has a lot more to lose than me if it doesn’t work out so he would be of the same mindset.
I think we’ll take the risk.

Hannibal_Smith · 22-06-2020 09:01PM

Mod Note

Jade2015 although you may mean well, the offer or request of PMs is not permitted in PI. Please see the forum charter on this. The rule is there to protect all parties so, tempting as it is please do not engage in PMs.

23-06-2020 10:57AM

People appear obsessed with having the op move in with her fiancée before they get married. It may be a surprise to some but only moving in after getting married is far from unusual. I have 3 close friends out of a group 7 of us who only moved in together after getting married all in the last few years. In 2/3 cases both couples lived at home and had never moved out and only on return from honeymoon moved into their newly built houses. The 3rd couple had lived out of home but never together.

All were late 20’s getting married and going out for many years (10 years in one of the cases) so they knew each other very well. All are married 2 to 5 years now, have kids and are very happy.

I’d also add that I think most people aren’t from farming backgrounds so don’t understand it and how it’s unavoidable for a larger division of the house work to fall on the woman/wife. It’s just not possible to be able to do 50% of housework while also running a farm, in fact it’s probably easier in the case of the op as he is a full time farmer but most farmers are part-time on the farm and full time in an off farm job too so free time in the evenings and particularly weekends when a lot of house work get done are taken up working on the farm. I think most women marrying a farmer understand this, I know my wife does and knows the majority of my Saturdays are going to be taken up farming and that I will often have to go out working in the evening after dinner rather than doing the washing up or washing clothes etc.

Doesn’t mean you can’t help here and there but it’s just not possible to do it as much as two people working in day jobs and both coming home and being around the house all evening/weekend etc.

lastusername · 23-06-2020 12:24PM

I think for all of us, it's common to worry about a big move like this and to look to others for clarity and reassurance - but really that only comes from within.

And it looks like the OP is sure about this when her potential worries around it settle

pwurple · 23-06-2020 07:44PM

Jeepers people got very harsh in here. Nothing wrong with not spilling your emotional guts on the internet, if you're private about your feelings and sex life then that's fine. I don't think there isn't anything particularly odd about OP moving in after getting married. It wasn't what I did, but that's the cultural norm in a lot of places, no need for the shame fest.

Worrying about living together and the workload is fairly normal with any big change in your life coming up. I don't think the cleaning and cooking workload will be massive for quiet hardworking farmer & his wife that doesn't socialise much. (who does in these times, right?)

My small concern would be that the value you place in material things now may wane over time, and you could be left hurt if you're not prepared with a fallback interest. The nice house, furniture and shoes can become purely materialistic once it gets beyond a certain point. I mean, once the house is "done", then what? Shopping as a hobby when you already have what you need is just greed really, and this is generally seen as an unhealthy behaviour for us humans. Long term, it can be harmful to you and your family if gathering more stuff is your sole interest in life. What's the point of 20 pairs of expensive shoes if you've nowhere outside the house to wear them?

But anyway, I'm sure you know this, so it's more likely to be the excitement of setting up a home for the first time!

I think you'll be just fine once you get into the swing of it.

lastusername · 24-06-2020 10:28AM

pwurple wrote: »

Jeepers people got very harsh in here. Nothing wrong with not spilling your emotional guts on the internet, if you're private about your feelings and sex life then that's fine. I don't think there isn't anything particularly odd about OP moving in after getting married. It wasn't what I did, but that's the cultural norm in a lot of places, no need for the shame fest.

Worrying about living together and the workload is fairly normal with any big change in your life coming up. I don't think the cleaning and cooking workload will be massive for quiet hardworking farmer & his wife that doesn't socialise much. (who does in these times, right?)

My small concern would be that the value you place in material things now may wane over time, and you could be left hurt if you're not prepared with a fallback interest. The nice house, furniture and shoes can become purely materialistic once it gets beyond a certain point. I mean, once the house is "done", then what? Shopping as a hobby when you already have what you need is just greed really, and this is generally seen as an unhealthy behaviour for us humans. Long term, it can be harmful to you and your family if gathering more stuff is your sole interest in life. What's the point of 20 pairs of expensive shoes if you've nowhere outside the house to wear them?

But anyway, I'm sure you know this, so it's more likely to be the excitement of setting up a home for the first time!

I think you'll be just fine once you get into the swing of it.

I would say a lot of people are talking about moving in together first because the old adage of 'want to know me, come live with me' is a saying for a reason! You get to a different level of knowing someone after you've lived with them for a while.

That said, whatever works is whatever works best for you - nothing wrong with not living together first either!

Living together

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