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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I used to suffer from kleptomania but now I'm taking something for it.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I tried to make a belt out of cardboard, but it was just a waist of paper


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    I went to see a sign maker the other day and I asked him for a 6ft A, a 7ft S and a 6ft K...

    He said "I'll see what I can do, but its a big ask"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,645 ✭✭✭TheBody


    It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

    It’s not the end of the word.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,645 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I’m learning about US state abbreviations and I heard Oklahoma has a great one but it’s just OK.


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  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

    'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

    The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    If anyone has garden benches or patio chairs left outside, its advisable to bring them in.

    Apparently, Sinn Fein are taking seats all over the place this evening.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,658 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Storm Ciara and those terrible winds overnight.
    I'm worried about the trees in my garden.

    They weren't there yesterday.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My Daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my pocket money immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and stereo and iPhone and iPod and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Convertors. Then sell my new car, take my front door key off me and kick me out the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

    Well, she didn’t put it quite like that... she actually said...

    Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed!”


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My next door neighbour has just bought an Audi, a Toyota and 2 BMW's. I think he's got car owner virus.


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  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My best friend lost his tongue in an accident at work. But he doesn’t like talk about it.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Ikea to close the doors on it's Coventry store.

    Yeah, right. Have you ever tried to close the doors on anything from Ikea?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,085 ✭✭✭The Tetrarch


    From Rodney Dangerfield's biography.
    In his early days Rodney worked selling aluminum siding with Joe Ancis.
    He lived with Joe Ancis for eighteen years, and rated him the funniest he met.

    One time I was talking to Joe, but I noticed that the dog kept looking at me.
    I said to Joe, "What's with the dog? He keeps staring at me."
    Joe said, "Man, you're a star."

    One day Joe said, "How's the weather outside?"
    "I don't know," I said. "Go out on the terrace."
    "No, they'll want speeches."

    Another time Joe and I were watching a boxing match on TV.
    Joe said, "If only one of then would just say, "I'm sorry."

    One day I was in a bank with Joe when he wanted to cash a check.
    The woman behind the cage looked at Joe and said, "How do I know you are Joe Ancis?"
    Joe said to her, "How do I know you're Next Window Please?"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,024 ✭✭✭Carry


    One day a man was driving happily along an interstate in the US when he came to a stop at the tail end of huge traffic jam.

    He saw police officers walking from car to car and talking to the drivers.
    Finally a police officer knocked at his window. The man let his window slide down and asked the officer: "What's the matter?"

    The officer said: "We have an emergency, sir. You see, president Trump has been abducted by terrorists and they demand one billion dollar to be transfered to an account on the Cayman Islands, otherwise they would douse him in petrol and set him alight. So we do a collection and ask everyone to contribute."

    "That's horrible," said the man, "how much does everyone contribute?"

    Said the officer: "On average two or three litres."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 420 ✭✭Mr Tibbs


    I was watching a porn film last night where a woman was giving a hand job to a blocklayer a carpenter a plaster and a plumber

    Jack Off All Trades


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,435 ✭✭✭chewed


    I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician.

    And a Czech one too.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Looking for a bit of advice...
    What's the best number of Roses to give the girlfriend for Valentine's Day? -
    1? 6? 12? 24?

    Or the whole tin?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife rang me at work on Valentine's Day.

    She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They're absolutely gorgeous."

    I said, "That's probably why they've been sent flowers then."


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A man and woman are lying in bed after a disappointing bout of sex.

    You've got a very small organ, " says the woman.

    The man replies, " Well , I didn't know I'd be playing in the Albert Hall. .


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Roses are red
    Man City are blue
    No champions league
    Until 2022


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 605 ✭✭✭upupup


    Roses are red
    Man City are blue
    No champions league
    Until 2022

    China has Trillions
    Abu Dhabi has too
    Uefa have bitten off
    much more than they can chew


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,215 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    I saw a lion and a witch carrying a wardrobe.

    "Oi", I say, "what are you doing"

    "NARNIA business" they reply.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,249 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    When it comes to financial fair play, Fred Flinstone never lies.

    But Abu Dhabi do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife asked me did I ever piss in the shower?

    I said I find it hard not to while I'm having a ****e


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    I experienced the WORST customer service earlier today at a shop in town. I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
    On Friday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 48 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."
    I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." ???
    No refund.
    No FREE replacement.


    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

    I'll tell you what... I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again !! 😄😄😄😄


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,645 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I was so bored that I memorised 6 pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,087 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake.
    He engages a woman of the night and takes her up to her room.
    He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
    The lady smoothly replies, 'Well Norman, you old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
    'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
    She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Following Mohamed Salah's new deal with Liverpool Jesse Lingard thinks it's about time he had talks about getting a new contract.


    His agent is confident he can get him 300 minutes and unlimited texts for £25.00 a month


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 95,006 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    To prepare for Valentine's Day I ordered a "How to Hug" book off the internet.

    Turned out it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia :(


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,027 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    People at work talking about buying pre made batter mix for pancake day next week.

    Lazy bastards.

    I mean really, how long does it take to drive to your mum's and get her to cook them for you?


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