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Age Gaps

2

Comments

  • #32
    Dog day
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 200 ✭✭Dog day


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?
    The extra added bonus is that your cheating ex wife will be sickened to her core seeing you walking around with someone far better looking than her!

    I was firstly heartened by this post that gives the woman here credit for making her own decisions, there are different rates at which people mature, gender aside. It’s a great pity though that you chose to end with such a juvenile statement, women are constantly pitted against eachother based on aesthetic appeal & youth, both factors over which they have no control. Equally, making an ex partner jealous should never be a factor in moving on with someone new & having fun.

    OP, for what it’s worth I’m in agreement with those posters regarding it being more a matter of stage of life rather than age. I’d have an open conversation with her then go from there. She’s young but she’s an adult, it’s up to her to decide too. You’re allowed to have fun! There are enough people in the world ready to guilt trip us, don’t do it to yourself!


  • #33
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    Dog day wrote: »
    It’s a great pity though that you chose to end with such a juvenile statement, women are constantly pitted against eachother based on aesthetic appeal & youth


    I'd personally derive great joy from it but yeah, I agree with you that it is childish. As a side note, I think though that in the case of the OP's ex, it would be completely deserved as she destroyed her husbands life as well as her children's.


  • #34
    Tired Gardener
    Closed Accounts Posts: 456 ✭✭Tired Gardener


    As people come in a wide range of varieties, there is no one size fits all rule when it comes to relationships. Some age gaps work, others don't. We can't pigeon hole people when it comes to relationships.

    You'll know her better than anyone on here does, so are in a better position to make the judgement on her level of maturity.

    You seem to be thinking about the differences, which does indicate that you are approaching this with your eyes open, and not just chasing skirt.

    The only concern I would have is for your kids, I'm guessing that the eldest is around 10-12 years of age? They may react badly to you being with a partner closer to their age.


  • #35
    Daisy78
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,060 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    I'd personally derive great joy from it but yeah, I agree with you that it is childish. As a side note, I think though that in the case of the OP's ex, it would be completely deserved as she destroyed her husbands life as well as her children's.

    What the hell???!! What do you know about their marriage and what brought it to an end? And for all you know his ex wife might be better looking?! Your last comment confirms exactly my feelings on the older man younger woman scenario, ultimately looking for someone hot to date so it makes him look good, for Christ’s sake. And for what it’s worth a man in his mid thirties with an ex wife and two kids in tow isn’t exactly a good catch.

    Op obviously it is her choice whether to date you or not, nobody is denying that. But you are at such different stages of your life that it is definitely going present challenges. If you didn’t have children it might be a little bit easier, what if she needs to move for work, wants to go to university overseas to do a course, go backpacking for a year or two? She might be willing to sacrifice those things now but could become resentful in later years at having had to do so. What happens if she wants kids in ten years time, would you be happy to become a dad in your forties or fifties? I’m just saying you should be mindful of where you are both at in life, you could be looking for a fling, fair enough but anything more long term could present a lot of issues for you.


  • #36
    Dog day
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 200 ✭✭Dog day


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    I'd personally derive great joy from it but yeah, I agree with you that it is childish. As a side note, I think though that in the case of the OP's ex, it would be completely deserved as she destroyed her husbands life as well as her children's.

    Fair enough, a pretty human reaction & I understand where you’re coming from.


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  • #37
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,446 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?

    This woman has decided for herself that she likes the OP and wants to date him. That is for her to decide. Fair play to her, the OP sounds like a great catch, he seems like a nice, genuine guy. OP, stop worrying about age gaps or you risk scaring her away (plenty of examples from your fellow posters here of bigger age gaps working). Give this woman the benefit of acting on her own agency and just go for it, enjoy yourselves and see what happens. The extra added bonus is that your cheating ex wife will be sickened to her core seeing you walking around with someone far better looking than her!

    Edit: replied to the wrong post, apologies.


  • #38
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    Daisy78 wrote: »
    What the hell???!! What do you know about their marriage and what brought it to an end?

    From the first post in the thread:
    EverSoSlightlyConfused wrote: »
    Relationship was 12 years long. Wife cheated, multiple times toward the end,


  • #39
    Daisy78
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,060 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    Kidchameleon wrote: »
    From the first post in the thread:

    You don’t know why she cheated! Anyway it’s besides the point.


  • #40
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,283 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    OSI wrote: »
    TheBoyConor is your classic incel, blaming every other man for either being a predator or “Chad” as the reason they never get laid.

    How dare YOU accuse me of being an incel. I can assure you that I am no basement dwelling incel. The incels are a malignant, toxic community. It is ironic that they might blame others for being predatory because they have extremely predatory and entitled attitudes themselves.
    I'm 41 and bf is 26. We both had concerns regarding our relationship.
    However neither of us has kids and we share many interests plus he is very mature for his age(or maybe I'm not for mine? ).
    So I'd say as any relationship it might work out for OP and it might not for variety of reasons.

    That is a staggering age gap. Again, what do his parents say about this? As with the OPs relationship, there is possibly a very significant power and influence imbalance there and it is that imbalance of power, influence and experience that is the problem, rather than the age difference as a number in itself.
    However, since you the woman is older I think it is less of a problem than if the man in the relationship was the much older one. This is because a 20s man is not really at all that much risk from an older woman. He would be quite likely to go chasing off after some young wan his own age eventually anyhow. However, on the other hand, a young woman of 20 is at a quite significant risk of harm and abuse from an older adult male.
    Sephiroth_dude wrote: »
    Don't think that's any of your concern tbf, you have some neck on ya.
    Perhaps, but I still don't think it is fair on someone to be married at such a young age as they still have nearly half their 20s ahead of them and they should be out enjoying that and experiencing life.
    Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?

    No-one is taking agency from her. She might be legally and adult but at the end of the day she is only 20 years old. just a little over 2 years ago she was legally a child. Majority of 20 year olds, male or female, don't know their arse from their elbow and are still somewhat unwise to the world and what goes on. They need to learn a lot at that age and they are best mixing with their peers for the most part, not getting into heavy relationships with people nearly old enough to be their parents.
    Anyone who thinks that it is OK for a near middle aged divorced man with kids to be salivating over a 20 year old girl needs to check themselves. If I had a 20 year old daughter, I definitely would not be keen on this situation.


  • #41
    Caranica
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,258 ✭✭✭✭Caranica


    My friend is 25 years younger than her husband and they have one of the strongest marriages I know. She was in her early 20s when they got together and 25 when they married, nearly 15 years ago.

    Generalisations are a waste of time. People are all so different. Only you know what's right for you OP.


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  • #42
    Castlekeeper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 2,391 ✭✭✭Castlekeeper


    I'd look on it as one would a storm, batten down the hatches and ride it out.
    It'll either work out or you'll get over it.
    I've seen plenty 10-20 year age gaps in happy marriages.


  • #43
    YFlyer
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,712 ✭✭✭YFlyer


    up for anything wrote: »
    I think if you were to get together your problems would start when you turned 44 and she was only 31. That's when the age gap tells.

    How would it?


  • #44
    Lotus Flower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭Lotus Flower


    To the poster who said that older men are often better because there's no jealousy, that's just not true in many cases. They will be just as prone to jealousy as anyone else, maybe even more so because they might be conscious of the threat of younger men/ men she might have stuff more in common with.

    The age gap shrinks as you get older but someone in their early 20s is never going to be on the same level as someone in their mid 30s who has been around the block in life, divorce and kids, etc

    OP, you gotta ask yourself, while it might be fun as a fling, can you see yourself integrating into each others lives? Can you see yourself going on nights out with her friends? Would she get on with yours? Will she be happy at not being able to go away at a moments notice on a whim or all those things that people do in the early stages? Or having to cancel plans if something comes up with the kids? Age gaps can and do work but they're usually the exception and as a general rule it's better to find someone with a similar outlook/ life experience to oneself. Ask yourself if this is really about the novelty, as real life will kick in eventually. If it feels strange (your words), then it's wise not to ignore your instincts or gut


  • #45
    nkl12xtw5goz70
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,497 ✭✭✭nkl12xtw5goz70


    OP, I'm married to a woman who is significantly younger than I, and can say from experience that whether or not the relationship can work depends entirely on the individuals involved. It can work, and has worked for many couples. If you turn your back on this woman now because of concerns about whether the age gap is socially acceptable, or what other people may think/say, you may well be losing the love of your life. I almost made that mistake myself, and I'm glad now that I saw sense.

    Ultimately, who do you want making the decisions here? "Society" or the two of you? Because society will be judgmental, as you see from this thread. You have to choose whether or not you care about random people's opinions.

    For the short term, why not date her and enjoy her company? If things get serious, talk through all the issues involved with regards to the age difference, your kids, your ex, your respective families, etc. Take things one step at a time and remember that it's about the two of you, not the world at large.


  • #46
    Lotus Flower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭Lotus Flower


    Permabear II, I think many people here have offered balanced opinions. The OP does not mention in his post that he is worried about society, his words were: "Instinctively I feel she is too young for me, or rather that I am too old for her."


  • #47
    nkl12xtw5goz70
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,497 ✭✭✭nkl12xtw5goz70


    Lotus Flower wrote: »
    Permabear II, I think many people here have offered balanced opinions.

    Some have, but some have not.
    The OP does not mention in his post that he is worried about society, his words were: "Instinctively I feel she is too young for me, or rather that I am too old for her."

    The OP states: "I am unsure of how to proceed, is a 13/14 year age gap too big to be thinking of getting involved here? What are peoples opinions?"

    If he's polling the Internet for random strangers' opinions on the age gap, it's safe to assume he cares about societal attitudes toward the prospective relationship. My advice to him is to disregard other people's opinions — many of which will be laden with judgmental preconceptions about older men dating younger woman — because the only people who actually matter here are him and the woman concerned.


  • #48
    Lotus Flower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭Lotus Flower


    Kelvin Poor Nosebleed wrote: »
    Some have, but some have not.



    The OP states: "I am unsure of how to proceed, is a 13/14 year age gap too big to be thinking of getting involved here? What are peoples opinions?"

    If he's polling the Internet for random strangers' opinions on the age gap, it's safe to assume he cares about societal attitudes toward the prospective relationship. My advice to him is to disregard other people's opinions — many of which will be laden with judgmental preconceptions about older men dating younger woman — because the only people who actually matter here are him and the woman concerned.

    He asked for opinions and he got a wide range of them. Of course it's up to him to decide what to do with those opinions. Many people here have given opinions based on experience, myself included so they're not all "preconceptions". You might have posted at length about your younger wife but that doesn't mean you're the ultimate expert in age gap relationships. All opinions and experiences are valid


  • #49
    nkl12xtw5goz70
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,497 ✭✭✭nkl12xtw5goz70


    Lotus Flower wrote: »
    You might have posted at length about your younger wife but that doesn't mean you're the ultimate expert in age gap relationships.

    I haven't claimed to be the "ultimate expert" on anything. I gave the OP advice based on my personal experience of an age-gap relationship, as did some others. He is free to take or disregard that advice as he sees fit.


  • #50
    Aseth
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 423 ✭✭Aseth


    That is a staggering age gap. Again, what do his parents say about this?

    What should his parents have to say to this??? He is an adult and can make his own decisions! But to satisfy your curiosity his parents love me, his siblings think I'm good for him and my relatives point out I've never seem more happy.
    And of course as any relationship it might fail at any stage for variety of reasons but I'm not sure what our age has to do with any of this and same for OP.


  • #51
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    I was quite young when I had a relationship with a 12,5 year age gap and looking back, I deeply regret it. Personally I'd say the gap is too big. Realistically, what do you have in common? Also, children and an ex-wife is quite a thing to take on at the age of 20. My advise would be to let her find someone her own age and would say that you should do the same thing.


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  • #52
    Lotus Flower
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭Lotus Flower


    Aseth wrote: »
    And of course as any relationship it might fail at any stage for variety of reasons but I'm not sure what our age has to do with any of this and same for OP.

    Of course any relationship can fail for any reason but let's be honest, the odds are stacked against you more with a large age gap. It really is down to life stages more than anything. The OP is a separated Dad and that comes with a lot more baggage than most early 20 somethings will be able to handle. It's not being ageist or judgemental or whatever else to say that.


  • #53
    woodchuck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod warning:

    This thread is spiraling out of control. Everyone is reminded that off topic discussions are not permitted and are not helpful to the OP. There are also some posts here that fall below the standard expected - no more bickering, generalisations or mention of triggering.

    For anyone who is still interested in helping the OP, they posted an update last night (post #30). Please only post if you have advice to direct to the OP and not just to pick apart another post/poster.


  • #54
    nkl12xtw5goz70
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,497 ✭✭✭nkl12xtw5goz70


    OP, I read your update, and I'm glad you had a good time on your date.

    The dealbreaker for me would be that she plans to return to her home country in October while you are tied to Ireland because of your children.

    Obviously your children are your top priority. It's hard to see how this relationship can last beyond October unless her longer term plans change. But that doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't keep seeing her. You never know how it might work out.


  • #55
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,283 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Going home to her own country? So now it's a long distance international AND age gap relationship?

    Tbh, I couldn't see this working out or lasting any more that a few months until she goes off the novelty and decides she'd like a boyfriend her own equals in her own country.
    Realistically, if she's 20 she's gonna be out partying with friends and fellas will be chatting her up goodo. Cannot see her turning them all down for the shift because there's some near middle aged divorcee in a foreign country waiting for her but he can't even come see her because he has kids and a baby momma to support .

    I'd say you may chill and call it a day here.

    You may be having a mid life crisis.


  • #56
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Going home to her own country? So now it's a long distance international AND age gap relationship?

    Tbh, I couldn't see this working out or lasting any more that a few months until she goes off the novelty and decides she'd like a boyfriend her own equals in her own country.
    Realistically, if she's 20 she's gonna be out partying with friends and fellas will be chatting her up goodo. Cannot see her turning them all down for the shift because there's some near middle aged divorcee in a foreign country waiting for her but he can't even come see her because he has kids and a baby momma to support .

    I'd say you may chill and call it a day here.

    You may be having a mid life crisis.

    I may be a little early to the mid life crisis, I always imagined buying a horrific sports motorbike as my mid life crisis buzz.

    Anyways, I don't think you read the post your responding to properly so would probably advise you to have another go?

    Thanks for the interest though.


  • #57
    Sardonicat
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,446 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    Going home to her own country? So now it's a long distance international AND age gap relationship?

    Tbh, I couldn't see this working out or lasting any more that a few months until she goes off the novelty and decides she'd like a boyfriend her own equals in her own country.
    Realistically, if she's 20 she's gonna be out partying with friends and fellas will be chatting her up goodo. Cannot see her turning them all down for the shift because there's some near middle aged divorcee in a foreign country waiting for her but he can't even come see her because he has kids and a baby momma to support .

    I'd say you may chill and call it a day here.

    You may be having a mid life crisis.

    The OPS has no intention of pursuing a long distance relationship, which he has made clear. They are both going into this with their eyes open fully aware there is a ime stamp on it.

    OP, nothing in either of your posts suggest you are some kind of sleazy predator. You come across as extremely respecting of this young woman who sounds as though she has her head screwed on. I don't see anything wrong with you exploring this connection. They are rare enough in life and they don't all have to end in lifetime commitments.


  • #58
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 3,660 ✭✭✭Tork


    This new information puts a very different slant on this. in some ways it makes things very simple for you. There's a definite end date to anything you have with her and it's not going to get too complicated (i.e. she's not going to be meeting your kids or trying to work out how she'll fit into your life). There are two ways of looking at this. One is that both of you can have some fun over the coming months. She might enjoy being with an older, more experienced man. For you, it'll be nice to move past your marriage break-up and know you can connect with another woman. The other way is that things will work out really well and then you have to break up. Are you happy to risk having your heart broken all over again? If it was me, I'd knock this on the head for that very reason. Not because of the age gap or your family circumstances. But it's your decision to make. Good luck to you, whichever choice you make.


  • #59
    TheBoyConor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,283 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Ok, it is established that it won't get to the stage of becoming partners and trying to merge families and all that. Fair enough. It is basically a temporary fling.

    However, I still find the whole thing very inappropriate and pervy and I'm absolutely cringeing for you OP when people see you out with a girl that is almost young enough to be your daughter. I would never do something like this.


  • #60
    Heres Johnny
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,691 ✭✭✭Heres Johnny


    TheBoyConor wrote: »
    What do her family and friends make of this?

    No girl should be getting married that young, and certainly not to someone well over a decade older than her. It isn't fair on the girl.

    She's 25 not 15.
    Her parents are great about it, we're going out 3 years so it's not a flash in the pan we are talking about. My parents were 24 getting married, her mam was 21 and her dad was 26.


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  • #61
    redfox123
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 208 ✭✭redfox123


    I think the OP knows it would just be a fling, but feels weird about it understandably. So is asking strangers on the internet to make him feel a little less like a bit of a perv. Go do your thing, it probably won’t last, but I doubt you want a long term thing with her. Many decades ago people got married very young and sometimes to older men and it was a little more socially acceptable. But now a woman that age will want to travel, date around, live her twenties out freely like she should.
    Go ahead and date her for a while, you will feel young again and she will enjoy the novelty of someone (presumably) more emotionally mature and experienced.

    But then you will start to get tired of being the ‘how do you do fellow kids’ cringy older guy holding the skateboard and pretending to listen to Billie ‘Eyelash’...


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