Age Gaps

LegacyUser

Hi all, regular boardsie but going unreg for this one.

Basically I am a 34 year old male, one year out of a marriage and have two children. Relationship was 12 years long. Wife cheated, multiple times toward the end, that would all be for another thread really. Have been on plenty of dates, never wanted or felt ready for anything serious and really I still don't think Im actually ready so here we go.

I am in college finishing out a degree this year. There is a girl in college about to turn 21, there has been interest from both sides since she arrived in the course (transferred in this year) We get on very well, our personalities clicked and recently things have gotten a bit more romantic. We kissed and had a fumble on a night out recently and I have been feeling a little strange about it since.

Instinctively I feel she is too young for me, or rather that I am too old for her. We have made a plan to go on an actual "date" tomorrow so this is where things could actually really start to get a bit weird. I actually like this girl, she is quite mature I think for that age, I haven't actually gotten to know anybody properly in the last year as in most people met through dating apps and I was pretty up front about what I was interested in.

This has been a much more organic kind of developed relationship in that it has just kinda taken its own path since we met in September. I am unsure of how to proceed, is a 13/14 year age gap too big to be thinking of getting involved here? What are peoples opinions? Is it just a timing thing, as in if she were 26 and me pushing 40 would that be much better? Do age gaps matter at all?

All I know for certain is this is the first time I feel ready to actually properly be with another person and I really enjoy her company and her personality. She made it clear that night we had the kiss that she wanted to do more but I did not let it go any further than that.

Basically am I over thinking it and should I just go with it, take the chance and see what happens?

Being an old pervert?

Being a naive old fool?

Any opinions appreciated, I'm just confused about whether I should cut this off before it becomes anything more or let it continue to take its own trajectory and open up a bit despite my age reservations?

zapper55

Well you aren't being a pervert. If it was me I'd be less concerned about the age gap and more about the different life stages.

But you know what, go on the date, enjoy her company and see what comes of it. Bigger age gaps have worked with others so why not you. Try not to over think it.

And the very fact you've started this thread shows your arent naive.

The only thing I would say is if you feel you aren't ready as time goes on, be honest with her (and yourself).

Best of luck with it I hope it works out.

Pyr0

It's not really about the actual gap in age but as the first poster said, it's more about the "life stage". You've been married, had kids and been divorced and she hasn't even turned 21 yet. I wouldn't even say that she's had any time living like an 'adult' in comparison to you.

She may well be 'mature' for her age, but what does that really mean for a 20 year old compared to someone 30+?

By all means, go on a date and see how it feels for you both but don't lead the girl on, cut her loose if you don't see it going anywhere.

Faith

Is she aware that you’re a separated father of 2? That’s a lot of baggage for a 20 year old to carry. I think I’d say differently if you were 34 and had no ex-wife or kids, but I can’t see this one playing out particularly well. My fear would be that she would have to grow up too quickly if she was in a relationship with you, dealing with very grown up things that most 20 year olds wouldn’t have any clue about. That might not be particularly fair on her.

That being said, if you’re not afraid of it not working out, then I can’t see why you shouldn’t try it out. It is a big age gap, and many people might be uncomfortable with it, but only the two of you will know whether it matters.

Segotias

I was in a relationship where he was 15 years older than me.

People will say age is just a number but unfortunately its not..the gap between ages as said before means you are at different stages of life. Combine that with different interests due to events, music, whatever that you've built up over the years will be worlds apart from her interests.

She will want different things from life that you have maybe already experienced and may not be interested in doing again.

Jumping further down the line should this develop into a relationship and say she decides she wants to travel, you're a father and not really in a position to go to Australia for a year...I would hope.

I suppose where I'm going with this is I regret the 4 years I wasted on the relationship and it was never really going anywhere. It has put me off age gaps completely...I've been asked out by men 12 years younger than me and holds no interest

skallywag

I would be very wary.

The gap itself is not an issue for me, it would be the fact that she is 20. The change that you undergo in between 20 and 30 is colossal, and nothing comparable to the change that one goes through from, say, 30 to 40.

My fear would be that she will have a completely different outlook on life as the years go on, which could lead to disappointment on your part.

I would give it a swerve I think.

ShaShaBear

I would agree with everyone else saying that expecting a 20 year old to have enough emotional space and maturity to deal with your marriage separation/divorce and two children is very optimistic at best. A member of my own family (also 20 at the time this began) got into an almost identical situation - only he wasn't married to the mother of his two kids. She claimed to be ready and able to deal with it, but after a few months, she absolutely could not cope with the jealousy from constantly coming second to his kids and on occasion the mother of said kids for circumstances we all told her were totally acceptable in his case. It caused a lot of resentment early on because she simply couldn't fathom why she wasn't first on his mind before his children and a woman he spent over a decade raising them with.

TheBoyConor

I'm sorry, but this is a bit inappropriate and has the potential to land you, perhaps not in trouble, but possibly with the sort of reputation that you do not want to have attached to you.

She is a young girl of 20, you are a divorced man with an ex wife and children. You have more life experience than her and if you did actually care for her well being then you be telling her that you'd like to be friends but encourage her that it would be better for her to be going out with a young fella more her own age. To be absorbing her into a relationship at only 20 with a 34 year old would be holding her back and would not be allowing her to live her best full life as the young person she is. As the other poster said, she is 20. Only 20. She should be out living it up with her friends, which can include you, but not as a romantic partner, not getting shackled down into a serious relationship with a man significantly her senior who is bringing ex wife and children into the mix. It just isn't a situation where ye fit together in the proper way and I don't think it would do either of ye any favours in the long run.

And at 34 years of age and you being in college you shouldn't really be going on those nights out with the class where there is alcohol involved with young people in their late teens or early 20s, especially young girls. It could be seen, by some, as being potentially opportunistic predatory behaviour because you are much older with much more life experience and she and any other female classmates are only 20 and with alcohol may be viewed as being in vulnerable positions and the whole power and influence balances is tilted way out of kilter. It doesn't look great. I'm sure friends of both hers and yours and I'm sure even the lecturers would be raising their eyebrows about it.
I think the fact that you have used a guest username and not your real username for this thread may be an omen and possible indication that you realise deep down that you know it is not right and that you feel shame and don't want your real username associated with it.

I must be clear that I am advising this to you to protect you from her and her peers moreso than her from you as I'm sure you are a lovely fella. However, all it takes for a bad reputation is for one of her young friends to want to drunkenly stir shít or get jealous or want to start drama and make gossip hinting at suggestions of allegations that you could, potentially, have done, or had the potential to do, something improper to that girl or her or to some other young classmate while they were drunk.

I'd advise caution and if I were you I would be telling this girl that I like her but that it could only be as a friend because the age difference, life experiences and stages and genders, when considered in combination rather than each each in isolation, bring about a balance of power and influence that would make a relationship that is more than friends socially inappropriate. If possible I would have this conversation in a busy public area with a similar aged friend, female if at all possible, sitting discretely nearby so that you have a witness just in case things go south and she doesn't take it well.

Tork

To be honest, the odds are stacked against you. That's not to say it isn't impossible but I wouldn't be confident. I can see why she'd be attracted to you in the first place. You're still relatively young/youthful and are a lot more mature than most of the males of her own age. It'll be quite a novelty in the short term but I predict that your "baggage" will cause problems for you both. Even if she knows you're separated, the true meaning of that won't start to sink in until it starts to affect her personally. Coming second to someone else's kids doesn't come naturally to everyone and it's harder when you're that young. That will come into even starker contrast when her own friends start to couple up with people their own age.

You've already crossed the line so you might as well go on that date and see what happens. I think you have a fairly good grasp of the upsides and downsides of the situation. It might take her a while to figure out that she wants.

Heres Johnny

I'm 38, fiance is 25, getting married in April. Go for it. We get on great

osarusan

Sounds like you are going into things with your eyes wide open at least.

If it comes up on the date, explain your concerns about the age and life stage difference, see what she thinks.

Maybe she's looking for something serious, maybe not.

I would see where it goes, rather than just nipping it in the bud straight away.

My dad is 82, my mum is 70. Been together over 40 years. He had been married, had kids, divorced before they got together.

Still as happy and in love as their first date. It works for some people.

LegacyUser

Most of the ‘advice’ you’ll receive on here is judgemental nonsense. Just go for it and see how it works out. I know a man who remarried at 60 to a 35 year old and had 3 happy children on top of the 4 he already had with his previous wife. I know lots of same age married couples who hate each other. In the words of a famous Hollywood Screenwriter ‘Nobody knows nothing’.

bitofabind

You're the novelty older guy with his sh1t together that's probably taking interest in her as a person and not sniffing around her looking for sex like most guys her own age. I know coz I was a 20 year old college student once. Reality is it won't have any standing when the vast difference in life stages and life experience kicks in. That and the public reaction to the age difference. A lot of people will find it icky tbh. 30 and 44, not so much of a problem. It is what it is though.

Go on your date, but I'd be managing my expectations if I were you. And being honest too - you've got kids and an ex wife, which will be wildly outside of her experience, and it's pretty important she knows that.

Kidchameleon

Go for it. That is not a crazy age gap. Why not?

December2012

[Deleted User] wrote: »

My dad is 82, my mum is 70. Been together over 40 years. He had been married, had kids, divorced before they got together.

Still as happy and in love as their first date. It works for some people.

I do think there's a difference between being 30 like your mum and 20 like this girl. Tread carefully OP

qwerty13

osarusan wrote: »

Sounds like you are going into things with your eyes wide open at least.

If it comes up on the date, explain your concerns about the age and life stage difference, see what she thinks.

Maybe she's looking for something serious, maybe not.

I would see where it goes, rather than just nipping it in the bud straight away.

The problem is that SHE isn’t experienced enough in life to go into things with her eyes wide open. And 20 these days is a lot ‘younger’ than being 20 in previous generations, when people could have been working a few years and possibly about to get married. 20 these days is unlikely to have moved out of home, unless absolutely necessary for college.

For all of these reasons, I think it is inappropriate on your part. And given how ‘young’ 20 is these days, it comes across as quite sleazy.

TheBoyConor

Heres Johnny wrote: »

I'm 38, fiance is 25, getting married in April. Go for it. We get on great

What do her family and friends make of this?

No girl should be getting married that young, and certainly not to someone well over a decade older than her. It isn't fair on the girl.

Tork

What an appalling thing to say. How dare you make a comment like that without knowing the people involved.

skallywag

I think the 'how dare you' brigade need to get a grip.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

There are some amount of soap boxes being mounted in this thread. Many perches being made atop the moral high ground, on very high horses.

OP, you sound like a very decent sort and given time, you'll probably be able to judge for yourself whether it's a danger zone, a potentially enjoyable fling or something more permanent. It might be a good idea to ascertain her thoughts on this so that nobody ends up disappointed, getting their feelings hurt or feeling wronged.

A good way of seeing early on what you're really feeling might be to ask yourself a few questions. If you know the answers, good; if things look promising, maybe ask her them too and see if your views align.

Would you feel comfortable with the idea of introducing her to your children?

Are you looking for a relationship or just a fling?

What kind of trajectory is your life going to take in the next five years?

Could you envisage changing that trajectory for the other person?

Are you willing to put a clock on the relationship and be mature about knowing it's temporary?

While personally, no matter how good looking they were, a 20 year old (except maybe a really precocious one) usually wrecks my head after more than 24 hours with them, it's not possible for me or anyone to tell you what's right for you. From her point of view, the advantages of an older man are manyfold - probably a mix of more maturity, less drama/jealousy, likely sexually experience, no-strings. But it's not possible for anyone here to really say for sure if these will be factors at all until you sit down and decide what's going on yourself, and then discuss it with her.

CageWager

Nothing triggers single women in their mid-30’s like a man in his mid-30’s dating a younger women.

Go for it OP. Life is too short to worry about other people’s judgement.

Sephiroth_dude

TheBoyConor wrote: »

What do her family and friends make of this?

No girl should be getting married that young, and certainly not to someone well over a decade older than her. It isn't fair on the girl.

Don't think that's any of your concern tbf, you have some neck on ya.

skallywag

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Don't think that's any of your concern tbf, you have some neck on ya.

I agree with you.

I also think folk should be allowed to have their own opinion without the How Dare You brigade hopping all over them.

LegacyUser

Carmen Dead Papergirl wrote: »

a 20 year old usually wrecks my head after more than 24 hours with them

I'd agree with this. I recently had to spend some time with a large group of young adults between the ages of 19-21, and let me tell you, OP, I've never felt my age more!! I'm the same age as you. They were just all so painfully young in their outlook. You could even see it in the division of the groups - the older crowd (30s plus) were off to one side and the younger crowd off to another.

Do bear in mind that the 20 year olds of today are not the same in terms of maturity as the 20 year olds of say 30 plus years ago. We've infantalised people in a big way in today's world.

Look, give it a go if that's what you want, but I think you owe it to her to be very upfront about the fact that you are separated with two kids (assuming she doesn't know already). That way she gets to go into it with HER eyes wide open.

Daisy78

CageWager wrote: »

Nothing triggers single women in their mid-30’s like a man in his mid-30’s dating a younger women.

Go for it OP. Life is too short to worry about other people’s judgement.

Except not all the posters who replied are women in their mid thirties?! And for what it’s worth not an issue unless it’s a bloke who is looking for some hot young thing who will look good on their arm. Most women don’t want to be used like that?

I agree with most of the other posters here in that the issue is not necessarily her age but her stage of life. I’m not sure what twenty year old wants to take on a guy with an ex wife and two kids, in fact I don’t know many forty year old women who want that either! It’s a lot for her to take on, she might be willing to see where it goes but what happens say 6 months in when reality hits? She might want out and you may have developed feelings for her by that stage. If it’s a short term fling and you are both on board with that then probably not going to be an issue. If you are looking for something more long term then I would proceed with caution.

Aseth

I'm 41 and bf is 26. We both had concerns regarding our relationship.
However neither of us has kids and we share many interests plus he is very mature for his age(or maybe I'm not for mine? ).
So I'd say as any relationship it might work out for OP and it might not for variety of reasons.

up for anything

If she were my daughter I would be hating you.

I think if you were to get together your problems would start when you turned 44 and she was only 31. That's when the age gap tells.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses folks, much appreciated. Obviously there have been some I would find quite wide of the mark or whatever but all feedback is welcomed, I just don't see any benefit in getting bogged down arguing so won't be providing much in the way of individual responses, suffice to say however I don't actually go out on student nights, I love my classmates but I don't like "students" as a group, or perhaps more that I don't like how messy they get and that the goal of the night tends to be who can get the most ****ed up. So the night in question with this girl, as has been the case with any of my class nights out was a quiet few drinks in a pub rather than a clubbing with the kids kinda scenario.

This post I found very good so will pick it up here if I can, as there has of course been developments.

Carmen Dead Papergirl wrote: »

There are some amount of soap boxes being mounted in this thread. Many perches being made atop the moral high ground, on very high horses. [/
quote]

I knew there would not be an overwhelmingly positive response so this isn't an issue. I have a daughter and I consider how I would feel if she comes to me with this situation in the future, how would I feel? I know what my instinct tells me I would feel. I do however have close family friends with a 15 year gap so I am somewhat more open to these things working than not. My own issue, that I am struggling with has been identified by a good few posters here, its not actually the years that is giving me trouble I think. Its the life stages, we are at very different parts of a journey. I mentioned she is quite mature for her age, that both in looks and personality she could quite easily be 25. This can't hide the fact that she is not and I come with baggage that would be challenging to a 30 year old woman.

OP, you sound like a very decent sort and given time, you'll probably be able to judge for yourself whether it's a danger zone, a potentially enjoyable fling or something more permanent. It might be a good idea to ascertain her thoughts on this so that nobody ends up disappointed, getting their feelings hurt or feeling wronged.

A good way of seeing early on what you're really feeling might be to ask yourself a few questions. If you know the answers, good; if things look promising, maybe ask her them too and see if your views align.

This was important to me, we had this kind of conversation on our date. I don't think I mentioned in the OP that she actually came to the course from abroad. She is very clear that her intention is to stay in Ireland until graduation only and return home. She misses home, her family, her friends etc and though she said she has been developing feelings for me and that she enjoys spending time with me as much as I do she is not going to be staying in Ireland beyond October. I of course will not be going anywhere with two young children to raise so there is an end date for the relationship/fling/whatever already set in stone. I think this actually puts my mind at ease a little more in a way, and I loved how open and clear our talk was last night. A lot of stuff was dealt with pretty well and I think we can probably continue to see each other for as long as time allows, or until my old ways just cannot handle her younger ways

Would you feel comfortable with the idea of introducing her to your children?

No but this wouldn't be a thing against her personally, I have decided to not be introducing anybody into their lives until I am in a genuinely serious committed relationship that has a future. This wouldn't happen in any kind of early stage, it would be a 1 year plus kind of start to consider the idea.

Are you looking for a relationship or just a fling?

Honestly I took the breakdown of my marriage, and more so the loss of the family unit very hard. I took a few months out altogether and in the last 3/4 months have started casual dating and having fun. Not leading anybody on, being very clear that I am damaged goods at the minute and I am not even thinking about a relationship. This is the first time I have felt a connection like this. It may be simple infatuation, but it developed too slowly for that it seems. I am just drawn to her, its not about her looks or anything. I wasn't instantly attracted to her physically in all honesty but the more I got to know her the better the feeling I had toward her and desire to be around her. I am aware I probably sound weird at times, I'm just trying to be as honest as I can and not filter my thoughts too much! The relationship having a definite end date makes it a fling I guess, and I am ok with that really because she has a lot of life to get through to get to a stage where I would probably feel I am comfortable to think about some kind of real future. I would be concerned that I would be stealing her youth at this stage too and she needs to go and make her mistakes and see where life takes her. It may even take her back across my path one day, who knows?

What kind of trajectory is your life going to take in the next five years?

up! It can't get any worse than it has been for the past 12/18 months tbf but I am contracted to a firm when I leave college again and will be staying where I am until the kids are older for sure, they are my number one priority. I won't do anything that would compromise my relationship or my time with them. Thats the number 1.

Could you envisage changing that trajectory for the other person?

No, again not a personal thing against this girl at all. There is nothing she or anybody could offer that would make me consider it. I am in an unusual enough position as a separated father I guess in that I actually have my children more than 50% of the time. They are with me 8 days out of every 14. I don't want to give up any of that time, I still haven't made peace with the fact that I don't get to read them stories every night anymore or all the other little things that go when the family unit goes. I'm back in college to further my career to make a better life for the three of us. I don't see what anybody could do to change that course.

Are you willing to put a clock on the relationship and be mature about knowing it's temporary?

It is what will be enforced on me anyway, and I know I can handle that. I am not 100% certain of course that the lady in question is going to be ok in that same knowledge but from our discussion last night she has her eyes open about it and is happy to spend her time with me knowing it will not be forever. If we do continue I will have to just trust that. She has asked me if I'd like to come to see her home town and country in the summer maybe, I don't think it will be possible this year but maybe in the future if its still a possibility I think I'd like that.

While personally, no matter how good looking they were, a 20 year old (except maybe a really precocious one) usually wrecks my head after more than 24 hours with them, it's not possible for me or anyone to tell you what's right for you. From her point of view, the advantages of an older man are manyfold - probably a mix of more maturity, less drama/jealousy, likely sexually experience, no-strings. But it's not possible for anyone here to really say for sure if these will be factors at all until you sit down and decide what's going on yourself, and then discuss it with her.

So as has been covered, we had the date. Went brilliantly, nothing fancy nothing heavy. Pizza and movie and a very long night of talk and laughter. I feel a lot better having done it, and more so that she was eager to talk about what exactly this was and would be to her as well as to me. Since we parted ways its back to the texting and with the college being off next week I think its a good time to let her alone in a way, to leave everything settle in her head and by the time we see each other next (sorry she is travelling to Cork and doing some other touristy bits so its unlikely we will meet up, maybe Sunday if at all) that she will have processed fully everything I said, she said and the implications of it all.

If she doesn't want to continue then I will fully respect that and will just get on with it for the rest of the term. If she does want to continue I will just make the most of the time we have together. It will be pretty much fully on her terms in that regard.

If anybody wants to keep the dialogue going or has any follow up feedback I'll check back in here over the week and respond as quick as I can.

Thanks again though for the advice, both positive and negative was all welcomed.

Kidchameleon

Daisy78 wrote: »

Most women don’t want to be used like that?

I agree with most of the other posters here in that the issue is not necessarily her age but her stage of life. I’m not sure what twenty year old wants to take on a guy with an ex wife and two kids,

up for anything wrote: »

If she were my daughter I would be hating you.

Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?

This woman has decided for herself that she likes the OP and wants to date him. That is for her to decide. Fair play to her, the OP sounds like a great catch, he seems like a nice, genuine guy. OP, stop worrying about age gaps or you risk scaring her away (plenty of examples from your fellow posters here of bigger age gaps working). Give this woman the benefit of acting on her own agency and just go for it, enjoy yourselves and see what happens. The extra added bonus is that your cheating ex wife will be sickened to her core seeing you walking around with someone far better looking than her!

up for anything

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?

I'm speaking as a mother and someone with one foot in the grave. Just because she's 21 doesn't mean she mature. In fact, most 21 year olds are for the birds. The adolescent brain doesn't mature till 25. She may be a grown woman physically but mentally... nah. She may old enough to make decisions about going out drinking, holidays, college, work, having a baby, etc but getting involved with some chap so many years older in age and experience I say no. I've witnessed many more May to December disasters than successes. It's all perfectly legal etc but it leaves a very bad taste in my mouth and the fact that the OP is second guessing himself says it all.

There is agency and there is structure.

Dog day

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?
The extra added bonus is that your cheating ex wife will be sickened to her core seeing you walking around with someone far better looking than her!

I was firstly heartened by this post that gives the woman here credit for making her own decisions, there are different rates at which people mature, gender aside. It’s a great pity though that you chose to end with such a juvenile statement, women are constantly pitted against eachother based on aesthetic appeal & youth, both factors over which they have no control. Equally, making an ex partner jealous should never be a factor in moving on with someone new & having fun.

OP, for what it’s worth I’m in agreement with those posters regarding it being more a matter of stage of life rather than age. I’d have an open conversation with her then go from there. She’s young but she’s an adult, it’s up to her to decide too. You’re allowed to have fun! There are enough people in the world ready to guilt trip us, don’t do it to yourself!

Kidchameleon

Dog day wrote: »

It’s a great pity though that you chose to end with such a juvenile statement, women are constantly pitted against eachother based on aesthetic appeal & youth

I'd personally derive great joy from it but yeah, I agree with you that it is childish. As a side note, I think though that in the case of the OP's ex, it would be completely deserved as she destroyed her husbands life as well as her children's.

Tired Gardener

As people come in a wide range of varieties, there is no one size fits all rule when it comes to relationships. Some age gaps work, others don't. We can't pigeon hole people when it comes to relationships.

You'll know her better than anyone on here does, so are in a better position to make the judgement on her level of maturity.

You seem to be thinking about the differences, which does indicate that you are approaching this with your eyes open, and not just chasing skirt.

The only concern I would have is for your kids, I'm guessing that the eldest is around 10-12 years of age? They may react badly to you being with a partner closer to their age.

Daisy78

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I'd personally derive great joy from it but yeah, I agree with you that it is childish. As a side note, I think though that in the case of the OP's ex, it would be completely deserved as she destroyed her husbands life as well as her children's.

What the hell???!! What do you know about their marriage and what brought it to an end? And for all you know his ex wife might be better looking?! Your last comment confirms exactly my feelings on the older man younger woman scenario, ultimately looking for someone hot to date so it makes him look good, for Christ’s sake. And for what it’s worth a man in his mid thirties with an ex wife and two kids in tow isn’t exactly a good catch.

Op obviously it is her choice whether to date you or not, nobody is denying that. But you are at such different stages of your life that it is definitely going present challenges. If you didn’t have children it might be a little bit easier, what if she needs to move for work, wants to go to university overseas to do a course, go backpacking for a year or two? She might be willing to sacrifice those things now but could become resentful in later years at having had to do so. What happens if she wants kids in ten years time, would you be happy to become a dad in your forties or fifties? I’m just saying you should be mindful of where you are both at in life, you could be looking for a fling, fair enough but anything more long term could present a lot of issues for you.

Dog day

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I'd personally derive great joy from it but yeah, I agree with you that it is childish. As a side note, I think though that in the case of the OP's ex, it would be completely deserved as she destroyed her husbands life as well as her children's.

Fair enough, a pretty human reaction & I understand where you’re coming from.

Sardonicat

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?

This woman has decided for herself that she likes the OP and wants to date him. That is for her to decide. Fair play to her, the OP sounds like a great catch, he seems like a nice, genuine guy. OP, stop worrying about age gaps or you risk scaring her away (plenty of examples from your fellow posters here of bigger age gaps working). Give this woman the benefit of acting on her own agency and just go for it, enjoy yourselves and see what happens. The extra added bonus is that your cheating ex wife will be sickened to her core seeing you walking around with someone far better looking than her!

Edit: replied to the wrong post, apologies.

Kidchameleon

Daisy78 wrote: »

What the hell???!! What do you know about their marriage and what brought it to an end?

From the first post in the thread:

EverSoSlightlyConfused wrote: »

Relationship was 12 years long. Wife cheated, multiple times toward the end,

Daisy78

Kidchameleon wrote: »

From the first post in the thread:

You don’t know why she cheated! Anyway it’s besides the point.

TheBoyConor

OSI wrote: »

TheBoyConor is your classic incel, blaming every other man for either being a predator or “Chad” as the reason they never get laid.

How dare YOU accuse me of being an incel. I can assure you that I am no basement dwelling incel. The incels are a malignant, toxic community. It is ironic that they might blame others for being predatory because they have extremely predatory and entitled attitudes themselves.

I'm 41 and bf is 26. We both had concerns regarding our relationship.
However neither of us has kids and we share many interests plus he is very mature for his age(or maybe I'm not for mine? ).
So I'd say as any relationship it might work out for OP and it might not for variety of reasons.

That is a staggering age gap. Again, what do his parents say about this? As with the OPs relationship, there is possibly a very significant power and influence imbalance there and it is that imbalance of power, influence and experience that is the problem, rather than the age difference as a number in itself.
However, since you the woman is older I think it is less of a problem than if the man in the relationship was the much older one. This is because a 20s man is not really at all that much risk from an older woman. He would be quite likely to go chasing off after some young wan his own age eventually anyhow. However, on the other hand, a young woman of 20 is at a quite significant risk of harm and abuse from an older adult male.

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Don't think that's any of your concern tbf, you have some neck on ya.

Perhaps, but I still don't think it is fair on someone to be married at such a young age as they still have nearly half their 20s ahead of them and they should be out enjoying that and experiencing life.

Many of the posts on this thread seem to be taking the agency away from the woman. I have highlighted two examples above. She is a grown woman, capable of making up her own mind. I thought women are just as strong and independent as men? Why does the responsibility for this situation keep getting leveled at the OP?

No-one is taking agency from her. She might be legally and adult but at the end of the day she is only 20 years old. just a little over 2 years ago she was legally a child. Majority of 20 year olds, male or female, don't know their arse from their elbow and are still somewhat unwise to the world and what goes on. They need to learn a lot at that age and they are best mixing with their peers for the most part, not getting into heavy relationships with people nearly old enough to be their parents.
Anyone who thinks that it is OK for a near middle aged divorced man with kids to be salivating over a 20 year old girl needs to check themselves. If I had a 20 year old daughter, I definitely would not be keen on this situation.

Caranica

My friend is 25 years younger than her husband and they have one of the strongest marriages I know. She was in her early 20s when they got together and 25 when they married, nearly 15 years ago.

Generalisations are a waste of time. People are all so different. Only you know what's right for you OP.

Castlekeeper

I'd look on it as one would a storm, batten down the hatches and ride it out.
It'll either work out or you'll get over it.
I've seen plenty 10-20 year age gaps in happy marriages.

YFlyer

up for anything wrote: »

I think if you were to get together your problems would start when you turned 44 and she was only 31. That's when the age gap tells.

How would it?

Lotus Flower

To the poster who said that older men are often better because there's no jealousy, that's just not true in many cases. They will be just as prone to jealousy as anyone else, maybe even more so because they might be conscious of the threat of younger men/ men she might have stuff more in common with.

The age gap shrinks as you get older but someone in their early 20s is never going to be on the same level as someone in their mid 30s who has been around the block in life, divorce and kids, etc

OP, you gotta ask yourself, while it might be fun as a fling, can you see yourself integrating into each others lives? Can you see yourself going on nights out with her friends? Would she get on with yours? Will she be happy at not being able to go away at a moments notice on a whim or all those things that people do in the early stages? Or having to cancel plans if something comes up with the kids? Age gaps can and do work but they're usually the exception and as a general rule it's better to find someone with a similar outlook/ life experience to oneself. Ask yourself if this is really about the novelty, as real life will kick in eventually. If it feels strange (your words), then it's wise not to ignore your instincts or gut

nkl12xtw5goz70

OP, I'm married to a woman who is significantly younger than I, and can say from experience that whether or not the relationship can work depends entirely on the individuals involved. It can work, and has worked for many couples. If you turn your back on this woman now because of concerns about whether the age gap is socially acceptable, or what other people may think/say, you may well be losing the love of your life. I almost made that mistake myself, and I'm glad now that I saw sense.

Ultimately, who do you want making the decisions here? "Society" or the two of you? Because society will be judgmental, as you see from this thread. You have to choose whether or not you care about random people's opinions.

For the short term, why not date her and enjoy her company? If things get serious, talk through all the issues involved with regards to the age difference, your kids, your ex, your respective families, etc. Take things one step at a time and remember that it's about the two of you, not the world at large.

Lotus Flower

Permabear II, I think many people here have offered balanced opinions. The OP does not mention in his post that he is worried about society, his words were: "Instinctively I feel she is too young for me, or rather that I am too old for her."

nkl12xtw5goz70

Lotus Flower wrote: »

Permabear II, I think many people here have offered balanced opinions.

Some have, but some have not.

The OP does not mention in his post that he is worried about society, his words were: "Instinctively I feel she is too young for me, or rather that I am too old for her."

The OP states: "I am unsure of how to proceed, is a 13/14 year age gap too big to be thinking of getting involved here? What are peoples opinions?"

If he's polling the Internet for random strangers' opinions on the age gap, it's safe to assume he cares about societal attitudes toward the prospective relationship. My advice to him is to disregard other people's opinions — many of which will be laden with judgmental preconceptions about older men dating younger woman — because the only people who actually matter here are him and the woman concerned.

Lotus Flower

Kelvin Poor Nosebleed wrote: »

Some have, but some have not.



The OP states: "I am unsure of how to proceed, is a 13/14 year age gap too big to be thinking of getting involved here? What are peoples opinions?"

If he's polling the Internet for random strangers' opinions on the age gap, it's safe to assume he cares about societal attitudes toward the prospective relationship. My advice to him is to disregard other people's opinions — many of which will be laden with judgmental preconceptions about older men dating younger woman — because the only people who actually matter here are him and the woman concerned.

He asked for opinions and he got a wide range of them. Of course it's up to him to decide what to do with those opinions. Many people here have given opinions based on experience, myself included so they're not all "preconceptions". You might have posted at length about your younger wife but that doesn't mean you're the ultimate expert in age gap relationships. All opinions and experiences are valid

nkl12xtw5goz70

Lotus Flower wrote: »

You might have posted at length about your younger wife but that doesn't mean you're the ultimate expert in age gap relationships.

I haven't claimed to be the "ultimate expert" on anything. I gave the OP advice based on my personal experience of an age-gap relationship, as did some others. He is free to take or disregard that advice as he sees fit.

Aseth

That is a staggering age gap. Again, what do his parents say about this?

What should his parents have to say to this??? He is an adult and can make his own decisions! But to satisfy your curiosity his parents love me, his siblings think I'm good for him and my relatives point out I've never seem more happy.
And of course as any relationship it might fail at any stage for variety of reasons but I'm not sure what our age has to do with any of this and same for OP.

Jenneke87

I was quite young when I had a relationship with a 12,5 year age gap and looking back, I deeply regret it. Personally I'd say the gap is too big. Realistically, what do you have in common? Also, children and an ex-wife is quite a thing to take on at the age of 20. My advise would be to let her find someone her own age and would say that you should do the same thing.