The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88 · 28-12-2019 02:53AM

We've just played the Christmas edition of Cluedo.

My wife murdered the Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven.

M5 · 28-12-2019 04:18AM

Is my Thai Girlfriend really a Guy?

something inside me says yes

joeguevara · 29-12-2019 09:12AM

So George Michael's sister was found dead on Christmas day ?

That's what I call a double whammy.

29-12-2019 11:51PM

Did you hear about the blind circumciser..

He got the sack!

el_gaucho · 30-12-2019 08:26AM

I’ve was watching the darts the other day and saw a clip of Jocky Wilson.
How the hell did that lad ever get on a horse?

byrner88 · 30-12-2019 09:50AM

I finally persuaded my wife to agree to a threesome with her twin sister.

Waste of ****ing time, they both told me they had a headache!!

RobMc59 · 30-12-2019 11:33PM

A pirate goes to the doctor.

“Ahoy there, Doctor, aaarrrr, I’m worried about the moles I have on my back.”

the doctor has a look and says, “Don’t worry, they’re benign.”

The pirate replies “Count again doctor, there be ten!”

M5 · 31-12-2019 11:17AM

This year my new years resolution is to stop using spray can deodorants.

Roll-On 2020!

Edgware · 01-01-2020 12:19AM

I heard that a local teacher was caught in the newsagents masturbating while looking at the Page 3 girl in The Sun. Its all over the newspapers

Ruben James · 01-01-2020 12:35AM

The binman driver was a prick. He said to the lads who pull in the bins, 'here, I get the Christmas tips if there's any, I'm the driver.'

The lads weren't happy but he was the boss. When they went to collect the bins at one door, the lady of the house called one of the lads in, brought him upstairs and had sex with him. Delighted, he told one of the other lads to knock in too. He did and she had sex with him aswell.

Later they told the driver what happened and he said 'what, fook that, I'm going in there for my Christmas tip too for **** sake' and when he met her at the door, she handed him a tenner! He said 'what? You had sex with the other two and I'm only getting this ****??' And she said "I'm only doing what my husband told me to do, he said give the driver a tenner a fuUCCCK the rest of them"

joeguevara · 01-01-2020 07:46AM

We keep a "Swear Jar" for our son to have to put money in whenever he curses.

With all the poor little ba5tard with tourettes has to put in there, I was able to treat myself to a high-class h0oker this Christmas.

M5 · 02-01-2020 10:20PM

My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

joeguevara · 04-01-2020 05:41AM

As a personal tribute to David Bowie I've made a whole tin of Heroes last just for one day.

blade1 · 04-01-2020 08:37AM

Trump has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

RobMc59 · 04-01-2020 05:42PM

I'm reading a horror story in braille
Something terrible is going to happen
I can feel it..

blade1 · 04-01-2020 06:15PM

M5 · 04-01-2020 10:25PM

I made a graph of my past relationships.

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

LaFuton · 04-01-2020 10:31PM

trump is such a whore

yer man in Iran wuz their Michael Collins

tings gettin messi frum now

blade1 · 04-01-2020 10:41PM

LaFuton wrote: »

trump is such a whore

yer man in Iran wuz their Michael Collins

tings gettin messi frum now

I'm waiting for the punchline

M5 · 06-01-2020 08:44PM

I'm fat but I identify as slim. I'm translender!

byrner88 · 07-01-2020 03:16AM

I asked a librarian to recommend a book for me to read, he handed me his autobiography.

Prick,

A simple question and he gives me his life story.

idnkph · 07-01-2020 03:54AM

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red/read for free.

ohnonotgmail · 07-01-2020 12:26PM

my new hot tub keeps suggesting that i have done unspeakable things. i think i bought a j'accuzzi by mistake

joeguevara · 07-01-2020 12:33PM

Derek Acorah RIP...Keep in touch.

Mefistofelino · 07-01-2020 01:10PM

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

my new hot tub keeps suggesting that i have done unspeakable things. i think i bought a j'accuzzi by mistake

I got confused between "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" and now i'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

RobMc59 · 07-01-2020 02:08PM

Fell asleep at a party last night and some b*stard put a teabag in my mouth.

I went f*cking mental...

Nobody treats me like a mug!

M5 · 07-01-2020 03:04PM

Police officer: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia!

Me: WAIT! I can explain everything!

castletownman · 07-01-2020 03:17PM

I recently got my girlfriend a new fridge for her birthday.

She was thrilled.

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

patmac · 07-01-2020 11:57PM

The condition of the man who was mauled at the Teddy bear's picnic yesterday is said to be improving.

But he's not out of the woods yet!

Sheridan81 · 08-01-2020 05:14PM

M5 wrote: »

Police officer: I'm arresting you for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia!

Me: WAIT! I can explain everything!

Citation needed.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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