Do I walk?

tara73 · 03-01-2019 09:13PM

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Get out your phone and turn in the voice recorder and bring up her hitting you and abusing you to cover yourself

And no, it's not illegal to record once teh person doing the recording is a party in teh conversation

It will cover you in case she tries to tell lies

so sorry, to hear AMEN couldn't tell you anything with a bit more positive outlook. But as the other poster said, don't throw in the towel that quickly.

I think it is important you can proof her behaviour. Very important to have higher chances for getting custody for your children.

I don't know whether the quote from above is right or not regarding the law. That's what you can ask the solicitor, he should know.

I really feel for you and your kids, hope you'll find help and a solution to this mess quickly.

LegacyUser · 03-01-2019 10:06PM

I was in quite a similar situation for a few years, the drinking and attacking on what became a weekly event. I just had to lie there and take it because if I even tried to push them away they'd go mental and start getting the neighbours in etc who obviously would believe every word she said. I actually had 2 black eyes once, from a girl half my size and I'm a big guy.
We separated eventually but basically she invented realities to suit her own narrative and absolutely every body she knew believed her and lapped it up. So I was this abusive nutter somehow even though I never laid a finger on her. The attacks were always completely unwarranted and could happen anywhere, in pubs, restaurants etc.
When they're calling you a f**king C and how awful you are in public, everyone just assumes you're this monster even if you're getting a few slaps. I was questioning reality half the time because she'd do something and then deny it immediately afterwards and would be utterly convinced her versions of events were true. It totally screwed with my head. One time at her friends house she attacked me twice in the middle of the night and her friend had to pull her off me both times but somehow I was always the bad guy.
It's been 6 years and still my heart is in my mouth thinking about it and writing this down. I definitely have some kind of PTSD.
Anyway... just get away from her somehow, you don't want to end up like I am, I am incapable of having relationships with women now and I can't even seek help because I'm convinced no one would believe me and the whole period of my life was so f*cked up I even doubt my own version of events.
Just get away from her as quick as you can, do whatever it takes.

BBFAN · 03-01-2019 11:02PM

beentherealright wrote: »

I was in quite a similar situation for a few years, the drinking and attacking on what became a weekly event. I just had to lie there and take it because if I even tried to push them away they'd go mental and start getting the neighbours in etc who obviously would believe every word she said. I actually had 2 black eyes once, from a girl half my size and I'm a big guy.
We separated eventually but basically she invented realities to suit her own narrative and absolutely every body she knew believed her and lapped it up. So I was this abusive nutter somehow even though I never laid a finger on her. The attacks were always completely unwarranted and could happen anywhere, in pubs, restaurants etc.
When they're calling you a f**king C and how awful you are in public, everyone just assumes you're this monster even if you're getting a few slaps. I was questioning reality half the time because she'd do something and then deny it immediately afterwards and would be utterly convinced her versions of events were true. It totally screwed with my head. One time at her friends house she attacked me twice in the middle of the night and her friend had to pull her off me both times but somehow I was always the bad guy.
It's been 6 years and still my heart is in my mouth thinking about it and writing this down. I definitely have some kind of PTSD.
Anyway... just get away from her somehow, you don't want to end up like I am, I am incapable of having relationships with women now and I can't even seek help because I'm convinced no one would believe me and the whole period of my life was so f*cked up I even doubt my own version of events.
Just get away from her as quick as you can, do whatever it takes.

So sorry you experienced this. :mad:

LegacyUser · 04-01-2019 12:47AM

Thanks for that beentherealright. I’m seeing a lot of the same things. She’s denying it really happened, telling me she’ll lie about stuff if she has to, attacking me verbally any way she can. It’s almost like I’m wondering if I’m making too much of this but on any planet, a child hearing his father called a c**t, being told to f**k out of the house and being lunged at is wrong especially when it was 100% unprovoked.

I’d be gone already, in fact I’d have left after the first time she actually hit me, but I have two kids to think of. Firstly, I don’t want to leave them with her and secondly, I don’t want my relationship with them negatively affected because their mother is a drunk.

Hannibal_Smith · 04-01-2019 10:42AM

Have you spoken to her while she's sober and you're both calm? I can't remember whether you said when you spoke to her recently whether it was while there hostility already there?

Beentherealright couldn't give you more of an insight into what your future could be like.

Paddy Cow · 04-01-2019 11:41AM

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

Thanks for that beentherealright. I’m seeing a lot of the same things. She’s denying it really happened, telling me she’ll lie about stuff if she has to, attacking me verbally any way she can. It’s almost like I’m wondering if I’m making too much of this but on any planet, a child hearing his father called a c**t, being told to f**k out of the house and being lunged at is wrong especially when it was 100% unprovoked.

I’d be gone already, in fact I’d have left after the first time she actually hit me, but I have two kids to think of. Firstly, I don’t want to leave them with her and secondly, I don’t want my relationship with them negatively affected because their mother is a drunk.

Record the conversations as proof.

WarpAsylum · 04-01-2019 11:48AM

beentherealright wrote: »

I was in quite a similar situation for a few years, the drinking and attacking on what became a weekly event. I just had to lie there and take it because if I even tried to push them away they'd go mental and start getting the neighbours in etc who obviously would believe every word she said. I actually had 2 black eyes once, from a girl half my size and I'm a big guy.
We separated eventually but basically she invented realities to suit her own narrative and absolutely every body she knew believed her and lapped it up. So I was this abusive nutter somehow even though I never laid a finger on her. The attacks were always completely unwarranted and could happen anywhere, in pubs, restaurants etc.
When they're calling you a f**king C and how awful you are in public, everyone just assumes you're this monster even if you're getting a few slaps. I was questioning reality half the time because she'd do something and then deny it immediately afterwards and would be utterly convinced her versions of events were true. It totally screwed with my head. One time at her friends house she attacked me twice in the middle of the night and her friend had to pull her off me both times but somehow I was always the bad guy.
It's been 6 years and still my heart is in my mouth thinking about it and writing this down. I definitely have some kind of PTSD.
Anyway... just get away from her somehow, you don't want to end up like I am, I am incapable of having relationships with women now and I can't even seek help because I'm convinced no one would believe me and the whole period of my life was so f*cked up I even doubt my own version of events.
Just get away from her as quick as you can, do whatever it takes.

The very same happened to me. The abuse, the name calling, the gaslighting - I thought I was going mad. And I was always the bad guy. It escalated until she actually stabbed me. Even the night she stabbed me, she was telling the guards it was self defense.
I didn't care, I was finally free.
Please seek help. You will be believed. Get yourself some counselling man. It helped me so much.

LegacyUser · 04-01-2019 12:06PM

WarpAsylum wrote: »

The very same happened to me. The abuse, the name calling, the gaslighting - I thought I was going mad. And I was always the bad guy. It escalated until she actually stabbed me. Even the night she stabbed me, she was telling the guards it was self defense.
I didn't care, I was finally free.
Please seek help. You will be believed. Get yourself some counselling man. It helped me so much.

but for all you know I could be lying! You could be lying! I know that if my wife (soon to be ex wife) was to say her part you'd all believe her and I'd be the bad guy. This is why I take every thread in relationship issues with a grain of salt, people just lie to make themselves seem like the victim.
She who stabbed you could say years of your abusive behaviour led you to it, and that makes her the victim.
All I know is that if there's any hint of madness I will walk immediately in future. I'm just so glad she's a good mother to my kids, it only seems to be me that she hates.

WarpAsylum · 04-01-2019 02:35PM

beentherealright wrote: »

but for all you know I could be lying! You could be lying! I know that if my wife (soon to be ex wife) was to say her part you'd all believe her and I'd be the bad guy. This is why I take every thread in relationship issues with a grain of salt, people just lie to make themselves seem like the victim.
She who stabbed you could say years of your abusive behaviour led you to it, and that makes her the victim.
All I know is that if there's any hint of madness I will walk immediately in future. I'm just so glad she's a good mother to my kids, it only seems to be me that she hates.

I'd imagine, to this day, that's exactly what she's saying.

I understand what your'e saying, especially in relation to message boards, but you said you thought you were suffering from PTSD and that you can never have another relationship with a woman. That's why I asked that you get some help.

Anyway, this is neither your nor my thread.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2019 09:17PM

So, just to give an update on this. It’s been a fairly rough month and a half and the marriage is indeed over. While we’re under the same roof, communication is now pretty much by text or email and quite a bit has gone on that I won’t get into here. I’ve seen an extremely cold and callous side to her, I’m sure she’d say similar things about me.

I’m trying to do the best for the kids and she says she’s trying to do the same. My solicitor has said that, despite what my wife did, we will have to come to an arrangement to share parenting of the kids and also that my wife won’t get nearly as much as she thinks she will out of me financially.

I know the short term road ahead is **** for all four of us. But I’ve had some great mates around me who’ve kept me grounded. You really find out who your friends are in times like this and I’m lucky to have some of the best who’ve helped me see a way past this.

I’ll also come out of this with two kids who I couldn’t love more so while it will get a lot worse before it gets better, it will get better.

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

BBFAN · 07-02-2019 09:48PM

marriageintrouble wrote: »

So, just to give an update on this. It’s been a fairly rough month and a half and the marriage is indeed over. While we’re under the same roof, communication is now pretty much by text or email and quite a bit has gone on that I won’t get into here. I’ve seen an extremely cold and callous side to her, I’m sure she’d say similar things about me.

I’m trying to do the best for the kids and she says she’s trying to do the same. My solicitor has said that, despite what my wife did, we will have to come to an arrangement to share parenting of the kids and also that my wife won’t get nearly as much as she thinks she will out of me financially.

I know the short term road ahead is **** for all four of us. But I’ve had some great mates around me who’ve kept me grounded. You really find out who your friends are in times like this and I’m lucky to have some of the best who’ve helped me see a way past this.

I’ll also come out of this with two kids who I couldn’t love more so while it will get a lot worse before it gets better, it will get better.

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

Jesus that's tough going.

Please try not to involve the kids too much though, they can be scarred for life from something like this and it's not healthy that you're still living in the same house like this. The kids will suffer because of that because believe me they know what's going on.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2019 09:59PM

BBFAN wrote: »

Jesus that's tough going.

Please try not to involve the kids too much though, they can be scarred for life from something like this and it's not healthy that you're still living in the same house like this. The kids will suffer because of that because believe me they know what's going on.

It’s a fair point. There is no animosity or at least there’s no arguing in front of the kids. But there has been a change for them because there is only one parent around at a time now. And their behavior was worse for a bit but has improved again.

Unfortunately, at the minute, there’s no alternative so we have to live under the same roof. We’re in mediation so the conversation about where we both live long term will happen soon because you’re right, this isn’t healthy or sustainable for any lengthy period of time. Especially for the kids.

BBFAN · 07-02-2019 10:36PM

Marriageintrouble wrote: »

It’s a fair point. There is no animosity or at least there’s no arguing in front of the kids. But there has been a change for them because there is only one parent around at a time now. And their behavior was worse for a bit but has improved again.

Unfortunately, at the minute, there’s no alternative so we have to live under the same roof. We’re in mediation so the conversation about where we both live long term will happen soon because you’re right, this isn’t healthy or sustainable for any lengthy period of time. Especially for the kids.

If you think for one second that kids don't pick up on the atmosphere that's going on at the moment I'm sorry to say you're being extremely naïve.

You're sending each other texts and email and you don't think they know that?

I don't believe that there's no alternative to living together. There's always an alternative especially if the children come before your property rights.

LegacyUser · 07-02-2019 10:59PM

BBFAN wrote: »

If you think for one second that kids don't pick up on the atmosphere that's going on at the moment I'm sorry to say you're being extremely naïve.

You're sending each other texts and email and you don't think they know that?

I don't believe that there's no alternative to living together. There's always an alternative especially if the children come before your property rights.

Of course the kids pick up on the atmosphere. I wouldn’t pretend otherwise. My point is that we are shouting and screaming at each other.

We have a pretty big mortgage and big childcare bills. I’m not from the area so don’t have family I can stay with. Her only family here is her mother and that’s a toxic relationship at the best of times.

Getting somewhere to rent in the area is close to impossible (I’m sure you’re aware there is an acute housing crisis). It’ll also cost a packet which would have a huge negative impact on all of us.

So one of us moves, we’ll have close to nothing to live on for the month, won’t have suitable accommodation to look after 2 kids every second day and won’t be able to treat the kids during a very difficult time. So there is an alternative but it’s pretty grim for everyone concerned.

Your point is a valid one but you’re ininuation that we are putting property right before our kids is a bit harsh and simplistic.

tara73 · 08-02-2019 06:45PM

I also think the last post was a bit harsh and unfair.
It's not that the OP is planning to stay in this situation for years, it's just the 'best' alternative for all at the moment while setting up new arrangements.

Seperation of parents never leaves kids untouched. It will effect them no matter if they live a few month more together.

Main thing would be you two 'behave'. I'm not sure whether it was a typo in your last post, it reads like you are indeed shouting and screaming at each other?? If that's the case, can you not stop that?

LegacyUser · 08-02-2019 08:02PM

tara73 wrote: »

I also think the last post was a bit harsh and unfair.
It's not that the OP is planning to stay in this situation for years, it's just the 'best' alternative for all at the moment while setting up new arrangements.

Seperation of parents never leaves kids untouched. It will effect them no matter if they live a few month more together.

Main thing would be you two 'behave'. I'm not sure whether it was a typo in your last post, it reads like you are indeed shouting and screaming at each other?? If that's the case, can you not stop that?

Thanks for the above.

Sorry, yes absolutely it was a typo. There is no shouting or screaming. It’s obviously strained and there are snide remarks now and again (rarely to be fair). The remarks themselves go over the kids’ heads but I’m sure the tone doesn’t so we try to avoid communicating verbally for that reason.

It’s impossible to shield the kids from this entirely but I can hand on heart say I’m doing everything I can to avoid them being exposed to unpleasantness and I’m 100% avoiding using them in any way despite, if I’m being honest, a temptation to do just that. The least I owe them is to be as dignified as I can be through what is, and will be, a horrible time for them.

shesty · 08-02-2019 09:25PM

You are by no means the only couple in this situation. Unable to go and unable to stay, mostly due to circumstances out of their control.

Do the best you can and try to see the wood from the trees. I hope the legal process happens quickly and you find a better living situation. Long term it will be worth it.

LegacyUser · 30-12-2019 12:37PM

So one year down the line. Well it’s been a year of learning. I won’t go into too much detail other than to say we are closing in on a legal separation agreement. It’s been a pretty horrendous year and mostly for our two kids because we are still living together and it’s toxic. My wife’s drinking is a bit ridiculous – she’s drinking in her room several nights a week and hiding bottles of spirits. She still denies she has a problem. I’ve brought it to the attention of her family and friends but they are all afraid to tackle her on it. There is literally no more I can do. I always said she was a very good mother but, sadly, I’m starting to change that opinion. She’s acting like she’s single and in her 20s by going out any time she can (i.e. when I have the kids). I know the situation is stressful for her too and she needs a break at times but when you’re out 2-3 nights a week, it’s very unsettling for the kids. We’re seeing changes in the kids’ behaviour which is not just down to anything my wife is doing particularly – it’s probably down to the fact they’re living in a very stressful and unhappy environment as much as we’re trying to keep things some way normal for them.

For anyone reading this, the decision to break up was 100% right and things will get better. However, you have a very sh!tty spell to go through first. Some things I’ve learned:

1. Don’t even get into the PR battle. People will pick sides according to who they are most friendly with. My wife has told people a pack of lies about me (and lied in court papers). It’s infuriating but it’s a battle you cannot win. People who are friends with her won’t change their opinion of my wife unless they experience first hand what I’ve experienced.

2. My wife is turning into her mother. And she doesn’t like her mother. She would deny this is happening but I see history repeating itself every day. My point is this – if you are thinking of marrying someone from a dysfunctional background, tread very carefully. I didn’t appreciate the effect my wife’s upbringing had on her as a person but I’ve seen it over the last year.

3. If you’re a man, you’ll get little sympathy in many ways. No one takes domestic abuse against men seriously unless it results in serious injury. From my friends to my solicitor, they all kind of dismiss it as “well it shouldn’t happen but it’s not like she can hurt you” kind of thing. There is an emotional side to it where the basis of your marriage is completely undermined that I don’t think people get.

4. Again, because I’m a man, most people expected me to leave the family home. I haven’t for three reasons – I don’t have family in the area to stay with (unlike her), I didn’t cause the situation and I have concerns leaving my kids with her. However, most people have assumed I’d be the one to move out by default because I’m a man.

5. On the other side, just because you're a man doesn't mean you'll get screwed. I assumed I'd be cast aside into a bedsit, she'd get a house I'd pay for and it'd cost me an arm and a leg in maintenance. That's the cliche but not how it works in reality. Yes, you're disadvantaged as a man but it's not as bad as some would have you believe.

6. Try not to argue. There is no point. Literally no point. It is nigh on impossible when you live together under this sort of stress but there is no argument I’ve come out of, even if I’ve “won”, feeling like I’ve gotten anything. I’ve come out of all of them feeling frustrated and feeling like a failure as a father. It’s really, really difficult but try and rise above the smart comments or the temptation to have a go. You get nothing from it.

It’s a tough, long, lonely road at times. But if you find yourself in the position I did 12 months ago, don’t put up with it. I’m absolutely convinced, despite the effect it will have on the kids, that splitting up was the right thing to do for everyone. And, the positives I’ve gotten from it are that I really do appreciate the important things in life. I’ve put less emphasis on my career on more on my kids. Has my work suffered? Yeah but I’m not doing brain surgery so the world hasn’t ended. I know I’ll be financially worse off out of this so I’ve been able to get straight in my head the things I need to be happy in life. And I can still have them all and hopefully be a good dad to my kids. Life goes on.

Paddy Cow · 02-01-2020 12:05PM

marriageintrouble wrote: »

4. Again, because I’m a man, most people expected me to leave the family home. I haven’t for three reasons – I don’t have family in the area to stay with (unlike her), I didn’t cause the situation and I have concerns leaving my kids with her. However, most people have assumed I’d be the one to move out by default because I’m a man.

Fair play to you for sticking to your guns on this one.

The hardest part is done. You are right that your kids are suffering now but it will be better in the long term. Your wife is foolishly and selfishly doing irreparable damage to her relationship with them by her behaviour. You seem like a pretty solid guy so I imagine you won't trash talk her in front of them. Just be there for them and they will respect you for it. Best of luck.

AndrewJRenko · 02-01-2020 12:07PM

That must have been a very difficult year. Fair play for getting through it and keeping your relationship with your kids.

Can I ask, when you say that you're close to legal separation, does this mean that you won't both be living together once the agreement goes through? Are you planning to sell up or what?

LegacyUser · 02-01-2020 02:01PM

Yes, once the agreement goes through, we’ll no longer be living together. Sadly, not long after all of this started, I lost the last one of my parents and was left some money. When this started, my/my wife’s home would have had to be sold but because I’ve inherited some money, we can now afford to keep it and buy another home. It sticks in the throat a bit that what my parents worked their whole lives for now becomes part of a separation agreement but that’s how the law works and I’ve got to take the view that whatever my wife gets is ultimately for the kids who my parents adored.

AndrewJRenko · 02-01-2020 05:55PM

Best of luck with the transition. Hope it works out for you and the kids.

Widdensushi · 02-01-2020 06:10PM

How is the custody looking like being settled ? 50/50?

rapul · 02-01-2020 09:14PM

I just want to say fair dues and I have so much respect for you OP even there how you talk about the inheritance from your parents going to her aswell you don't seem angry or anything, your a bigger man than most, I hope the new year is good to you.

Do I walk?

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