Breakup before New Years or after?

Mehaffey1 · 26-12-2019 12:58AM

Do it right now.

Broke up with my girlfriend of one year there on 21st night, always sooner rather than later. Go Facetime if you can bring yourself to do it

adrian92 · 26-12-2019 01:11AM

EmmaS93 wrote: »

I am in a relationship for nearly a year and I have been having thoughts about breaking up for months. He's a really lovely person and it's not his fault. I just dont feel that way any more so I want to make it as easy as possible on him.

I am Irish but living in Canada for over a year now. I met my boyfriend pretty soon after I came to Canada. We met in work (I am going to avoid work relationships going forward). I am back home for Christmas/New Years and talking to my family helped me decide that I want to break up with him.

After chatting with family and friends it seems that it would be better to call him and break up over the phone while I'm still in Ireland. Main reason being that it wont be a big shock when I come back and he will have some time to process it before he goes back to work. So I was planning to do it on the 27th but my friend said I should wait until after new years as it would ruin his new years eve. I said that to my mam and she said it would be better to give him more time to process it.

Which do you think is the best option?

Not much good advice, but I would go with your feeling.
I think though that it is better to let him know as soon as possible.

Imagine you flying back and you know what you plan to say hello. And he may be looking forward to meeting you.

I really think that it is best to let him know before you return.

Text, phone , email, letter etc - whatever is best

Purple Mountain · 26-12-2019 01:16AM

I think it's best do it now.
Suppose she waits until face to face back home.
He's going to realise that all the Christmas and NYE sentimental texts and calls were just a spoof.
Phone him and say you are sorry about the method of communication but you had time to think on your own in Ireland and didn't want to prolong the pretence and lead him on.
I always prefer being dumped to doing it. The guilt always got me

NewMan1982 · 26-12-2019 01:35AM

****ty situation. He’s gonna be angry with you whatever way you play it now.

I was dumped by text twice in longer relationships than yours. The girls lived with me. It shows a real lack of respect. Some days it actually helped in the recovery as you would just think what kind of **** does that.

The other side is I would never want to be strung along either. Another ex dumped me a few days before a milestone birthday of my parent. Ruined the birthday celebrations. So I was angry at the time over that but her sitting there the extra few days wouldn’t have been right.

You’ve no choice but to do it over the phone. Do it today.

LegacyUser · 26-12-2019 12:41PM

I can't see in your original email that you work together but other have mentioned it so maybe it was edited.

I was seeing a girl I work closely with for nearly a year and she ended it recently, the way she ended it was pretty heartless and cold imo, was walking past me in work like I didn't exist when I hadn't down anything.

The work relationship between us is now absolutely toxic because of it, she could have done the breakup in a much better way and it would have been fine but because of the manner she did it in I lost all respect for her and we now absolutely despise each other.

If you work together closely I would be very careful as to how you go about ending it - even if it's not natural for you I would be very empathetic, you have to think about work

bilbot79 · 26-12-2019 01:15PM

afterglow wrote: »

no need for that? I suggest given the sensitive nature of what the OP has posted above, re relationship dynamic, etc, support/sensitivity is what's needed

Let's not be sensitive to the OP. She's the one doing the dumping. Support/sensitivity to be directed to the partner.

Best is to get it out of the way

leggo · 26-12-2019 05:03PM

Strumms wrote: »

Totally...An absolutely giantly ****ty thing to do both the manner 'over the phone' AND the timing of it. It's like two kicks to the bòllocks instead of one and immensely cowardly to boot....

I don't know the OP but I wouldn't have an ounce of respect for anyone who'd consider this a proper and respectful way to end it....

My own advice would be to wait till you get back... while sitting on it wont be all that fun you owe them a face to face away from the emotion and everything that is involved at this time of year...

You’d rather someone pretend to want to be with you for weeks for the sake of the break-up being somehow ‘nicer’ face-to-face?! Why?

AulWan · 26-12-2019 06:02PM

Its worth remembering that the OP has to work with this guy after the breakup. She can't just ghost him afterwards and never see him again.

A breakup over the phone, shows a total lack of respect for the person being dumped. (At least, I would have no respect for someone who did that anyway).

Its one more week until New Years and presuming she will be going back to Canada shortly, its not that long to wait.

If she shows some sensitivity towards the guy, it may be better for getting along in the workplace afterwards.

Hoboo · 26-12-2019 06:11PM

How can anyone think waiting is the right thing. Hes just spent a year thats now going nowhere, another hour is too much.

Ring him, break it off, meet him when you get back to do the face to face thing. He has 3/4 days to get his head straight and go out on NY Eve with a fresh slate.

Keeping him waiting like a lapdog thinking all's great is a ****ty thing to do. Really ****ty.

Its not like he won't realise you felt like this and didn't tell him. You cant waste one more second of his time so you can look like the bigger person not doing it by phone.

amdublin · 26-12-2019 06:14PM

Yes not ideal doing it over the phone, but considering the circumstances I really don't see an option. Like what is the alternative, respond to all his nice text messages etc and then finish it when you get back. Does not seem honest/fair.

I think you should do what someone said above - do it over the phone but offer to meet with him when you get back. I think you need to be really nice (as any breaker upper should be) and try let him down gently "you are great, I am just not feeling it etc". Breakups are never easy, of course he is going to be hurt.

AulWan · 26-12-2019 06:26PM

Hoboo wrote: »

How can anyone think waiting is the right thing. Hes just spent a year thats now going nowhere, another hour is too much..

Because breaking up with someone over the phone is a ****ty, disrespectful thing to do, and will make him think he wasn't worth being told in person.

I would lose any respect for someone who did this.

26-12-2019 06:28PM

AulWan wrote: »

Because breaking up with someone over the phone is a ****ty, disrespectful thing to do, and will make him think he wasn't worth being told in person.

I would lose any respect for someone who did this.

If you’re breaking up with someone then their respect for you hardly matters.

AulWan · 26-12-2019 07:21PM

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

If you’re breaking up with someone then their respect for you hardly matters.

It does if you still have to work with them afterwards.

Hoboo · 26-12-2019 11:08PM

AulWan wrote: »

It does if you still have to work with them afterwards.

So stringing him along is better than doing it over the phone because he's in a different country? Not for me, I'd prefer to be told on Facebook than that.

Addle · 26-12-2019 11:11PM

Because of the distance in this instance, I think a phone call is acceptable.
And the sooner the better.
For both your sakes. Some time before you return to work may be for the best.

leggo · 27-12-2019 12:05AM

Goose81 wrote: »

<post deleted>

For the sake of giving the OP a full perspective, let’s look at this bit. You realise that toxicity is a two-way street, right? Just as your ex could’ve been more humane and empathetic, you could’ve also been more accepting and led the way in terms of professionalism. Nobody else is responsible for your level of professionalism except you, so if you engage in and feed a toxic work relationship because of your own personal hang-ups, that’s on you as much as your ex. You’re the one, by your own admission, who won’t even look at her. You say yourself the break-up wasn’t bad, which suggests the toxicity you speak of only came from your reaction to the break-up in the coming weeks. Tbh it raises the question about what expectations you have of your ex: she facilitated a good break-up with you. Once that’s done, her responsibility towards you ended. She doesn’t owe you texts or conversations like you used to have to make the process easier, she has her own grief for the relationship to deal with and can’t be expected to be responsible for healing you. I wonder if perhaps her coldness was brought on by needing to be cold for you to accept it was over. If people can’t accept that, then nothing someone does will be enough: if you’re nice you’re leading them on, if you’re cold you’re being horrible to them etc.

I’m not having a go btw. I’ve taken break-ups badly myself and held onto grudges. But always, always what healed me better than anything else was accepting my own responsibility in those situations, forgiving the other person for being human and understanding that it’s not the other person’s job to make it all better (and it’s not possible either, you have to accept it and heal yourself).

So sorry, I don’t think your experience should be something the OP factors in. While it’s definitely always better not to dick work colleagues around for a peaceful, more professional life, she seems like she has that factored in. And her bf could just as easily figure out that she pretended for weeks that she was interested and lied to him. Nobody likes to be broken up with, but how they take it is really on them. OP wouldn’t be here to begin with if she wasn’t looking for the kindest, most humane way of doing it so she’s no intention of being cold like your ex. I am sorry you’re struggling though.

osarusan · 27-12-2019 12:20AM

Either you break up now, and there's an element of criticism for not doing it face to face, or you delay it until you can do it face-to-face, and there's an element of criticism for delaying it (and, as a part of that, probably stringing him along for some period of time).

Given the OP's current location, there is no 'right' way to do it now, and people will have different preferences, but still I'd prefer to know as soon as possible. Being lied to, and sending and receiving messages that I later learned to be completely empty, would be worse than the lack of face-to-face element of the breakup.

Plumbthedepths · 27-12-2019 03:01AM

Break up over the phone? What a **** thing to do. Have the courage to face him, he deserves that at least.

AulWan · 27-12-2019 09:46AM

The OP has been considering breaking up for months, so she has in effect been leading him on for months already, all the time texting, etc.

Another few days until she is back in Canada and can do the decent thing and break up with him in person will not kill her.

27-12-2019 11:26AM

OP, ring him, tell him Ye need to talk about your relationship when you get back, give him the heads up, chances are he will know what's going to happen.

ontheditch2 · 27-12-2019 11:43AM

Ring him immediately. Nothing worse than staying with someone for the sake of it. Wasting his and your time. The longer people stay in relationships that they want to get out of, the more toxic they become, hating things about each other.
For everyone's benefit, calling it immediately is the best thing to do.
But also, tell him that ye should sit down to chat when you return.

LegacyUser · 27-12-2019 01:08PM

Best approach is to ring him, don't say 'we need to talk when we get back'...that just leaves him in a knot and not knowing what's going on and worrying. Be straight and tell him it's over. Then offer to meet up in person when you get back. I had that happen to me before and it worked well as I'd time to process, cry my eyes out and then compose my thoughts before meeting, and the convo was actually far more productive that way. And please for the love of God don't keep in touch after....I've currently been on the recieving end of a guy who can't start anything with me cos he's still hung up on his ex ...months later...cos they keep in contact

AulWan · 28-12-2019 12:29AM

bubblypop wrote: »

If people in your industry would not employ her based on personal feelings because she broke up with you, then that is the utmost unprofessionalism.

Thats not what was said. What was said was they would not hire her because of how she behaved after the breakup not because she broke up with him. So if we are to take the poster at face value, then that's on her.

Karma can be a bitch, and other people do notice this stuff.

Melania Frump · 28-12-2019 12:31AM

Am I missing something here?
The op isnt happy and wants to break up with her partner.
The timing and method is not ideal but I cannot understand the vitriol expressed!

rn · 28-12-2019 10:29AM

<mod snip>

So back to OP, I think, given the circumstances of distance in this particular situation I side with telling him over facetime ASAP. These decisions need to be dealt with swiftly IMHO. If it was me receiving it, I'd prefer to know. There's a point about doing it face to face after new years, but it's more out of showing respect than ruining someone new years eve. Good luck op.

AulWan · 28-12-2019 11:24AM

<mod snip>

Advice to the OP seems to have gone out the window, but to repeat what I said earlier - don't break up with your ex over the phone, do it when you get back home and treat them with respect when you do it - and you'll have a much better chance at avoiding at situation like the above in the workplace.

woodchuck · 28-12-2019 02:40PM

Mod note:

Thread locked for mod review.

woodchuck · 29-12-2019 12:20AM

Mod note:

At the risk of being accused of over modding, I've deleted a large number of off topic posts in order to reopen the thread. I know people don't like having their posts deleted and it's not something I enjoy doing (particularly when more well meaning posters are caught in the crossfire). However I felt it was necessary in order to get things back on track for the OP. It was either that or leave all posts intact and the thread locked, which would have no benefit to the OP. This is after all the OPs thread and I feel that their needs should take priority here.

Goose has been carded for off topic posting, which resulted in the thread being completely derailed. However other posters are reminded not contribute to the derailing of threads. People should only post if they have advice to offer the OP. It's only natural that posters might disagree with each other, but it should never be to the extent that another posters issue completely takes over a thread.

On a final note - please don't drink and post...

29-12-2019 09:13AM

It's a pity for Goose, because he does need advice & I doubt very much he believes it himself!

Anyway, OP I hope you have decided by now....

manonboard · 29-12-2019 09:52AM

OP. I think it's important to break up face to face.while the meaning of a message will still come across in a phone call. There is huge amounts missing.

After dating a person for a year. That's alot of psychological difficulty about to happen. Being with a partner when they are exiting the relationship can be a very useful balm. You can show support, empathy, hang out for a while, get some food, n give the other person time to ask questions n digest it with your support.

Even though the romantic side of your relationship is ending. The better human traits such as kindness n support doesn't need to.
I disagree its leading him on to wait. Your innate relationship. You have serious doubts. You are breaking up. You are still in a relationship with him. I assume you still care alot about him n are a friend to him. That's the majority of whats contained in a romantic relationship anyway after a year.
So continue to be normal with him n when you get back, schedule a day n give your breakup proper time to have out.

You are on vacation right now so I dont think the distance is a good reason.
After a year I'd want to be with my partner when she gives me such news... to say my part..to ask my questions..to have some emotions..to understand it..to share some memories n share some regrets.

I hope you n he recover well from whatever occurs. I'm sorry there was so much anger in this thread. It's a very personal n sensitive issue. After sharing your life with someone for a while..people really do require respect n I guess disagreeing woth what respect is can be interpreted as disrespect by some.

Breakup before New Years or after?

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