Breakup before New Years or after?

EmmaS93

I am in a relationship for nearly a year and I have been having thoughts about breaking up for months. He's a really lovely person and it's not his fault. I just dont feel that way any more so I want to make it as easy as possible on him.

I am Irish but living in Canada for over a year now. I met my boyfriend pretty soon after I came to Canada. We met in work (I am going to avoid work relationships going forward). I am back home for Christmas/New Years and talking to my family helped me decide that I want to break up with him.

After chatting with family and friends it seems that it would be better to call him and break up over the phone while I'm still in Ireland. Main reason being that it wont be a big shock when I come back and he will have some time to process it before he goes back to work. So I was planning to do it on the 27th but my friend said I should wait until after new years as it would ruin his new years eve. I said that to my mam and she said it would be better to give him more time to process it.

Which do you think is the best option?

Peatys

In a relationship for a year? Bit of respect don't break up over the phone.

EmmaS93

Peatys wrote: »

In a relationship for a year? Bit of respect don't break up over the phone.

Yes that's what I thought but would you would rather miss your girlfriend for 2 and half weeks then be dumped the day she's back?

Loughc

EmmaS93 wrote: »

Yes that's what I thought but would you would rather miss your girlfriend for 2 and half weeks then be dumped the day she's back?

Why didn’t you break up with him before you left? So he would have time to process the breakup while you were gone?

Whereisgalway

What he get ya for Christmas?

gerard 180

Personally I would prefer to get news like that before new year. New year then brings new hope. Start like a breakup to 2020 would taint the new year. If it were to happen late 2019 it would be better for all parties, you included

EmmaS93

Loughc wrote: »

Why didn’t you break up with him before you left? So he would have time to process the breakup while you were gone?

Because I've been insanely busy in work and I wasnt sure of my feelings but now I am

Foweva Awone

Honestly I'd just do it now that the decision has been made. Even if it means having to do it over the phone.

I mean surely he'll be sending you the odd romantic message over Christmas and New Year's, are you going to ignore him or respond in kind?

Don't worry about ruining New Year's, it's a fairly meaningless holiday to most people anyways.

If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you prefer to know now? To me it's far more honest and respectful.

Heat_Wave

Over the phone is horrendous. Don’t do that. Have some decency for crying out loud. Forget about Xmas/NY nonsense, timing is irrelevant here.

Mr. Incognito

Are you in a hurry to have some fun at home.

If not sit down and speak to him when you are back. You can speak to him and say you want to have a chat about the relationship when you are back.

afterglow

hi OP
I suspect, if you're like me, once you've, ' decided ' to do something, you want it done, etc
So, with that said, if I was you, I'd do it before NY, like others have said, don't be overly sentamental about it, its a silly holiday, but I'd echo also what someone above said, if you do it before NY, then, new year, brings new hope. you both deserve that
breakups are never easy, whether you're the one doing the breaking up or not. Be kind to yourself, and its good to do it while you have family around you.
Best of luck, remember breakups happen all the time, and moving on, will enable you both to find the people that are right for you. Oh, and good call on avoiding work relationships going forward, you've learned something from this, so that's another positive

bilbot79

If you dump him now he might meet his future wife on New year's Eve.

You're technically wasting his time actually by not telling him straightaway. He doesn't need you to play god with his emotions, he need rid of you asap. Just do it.

afterglow

bilbot79 wrote: »

If you dump him now he might meet his future wife on New year's Eve.

You're technically wasting his time actually by not telling him straightaway. He doesn't need you to play god with his emotions, he need rid of you asap. Just do it.

no need for that? I suggest given the sensitive nature of what the OP has posted above, re relationship dynamic, etc, support/sensitivity is what's needed

leggo

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Are you in a hurry to have some fun at home.

This came to mind for me too. There’s a few questions I’d have but, look, we’re past that if your mind is made up OP.

Look this ultimately comes down to “Would you rather have someone pretend to want to be with you for two weeks because it’s Christmas or just get on with things no matter how ****ty it is?” Most people, if given a straight up choice, would take the latter IMO. Maybe don’t do it on Christmas Day because that kinda thing leaves scars but anytime from Stephens Day on you’re good. Breaking up over phone/text gets a bad wrap, I think it was probably in a TV show/movie before and it got a rep as THE WORST thing you can possibly do. But in the real world it’s ****ty information no matter how you receive it. I’ve had face-to-face break-ups that were worse than they needed to be because they were in person and it conveyed that this was a discussion/negotiation, when in truth I was just relaying fully processed info that I was finished. Every situation is different and I think your instinct for how to do it is right here OP.

Ruining New Years isn’t a thing. Do it as soon as possible.

mrcheez

Face to face is the only way. Perhaps a video chat is a sort of half way approach? I think it would be cold to do it from a distant phone call. Personally I'd wait until you are back and just say you had time to think.

ILoveYourVibes

there is no good time to break up with someone but there is a right way

he'll not think oh i have time to get over it

he'll think i wasnt even worth doing it in person

do it in person....unless he figures it out

i wouldnt be too luvy dovy etc with him

Caranica

I got dumped by text a few weeks ago. It was pretty crappy but also it meant that I didn't have to pretend to be happy or strong or understanding so actually I'm happy they chose that way in hindsight.

Better to rip off that plaster than spend days thinking about how much it will hurt. Not today but later in the week.

1hnr79jr65

At least do it by skype or facetime if u need to do soon.

Jurgen Klopp

Maybe I'm in the minority but I'd nearly rather just be told over phone now if someone didn't want to be with me

Rather than wasting 2 weeks missing you and talking and texting away

Maybe it's just me.

I can see the opinions of the do it face to face crowd too tho

Alpha_zero

You have made your decision to break up, now let him know. There is nothing wrong with breaking up with a phone call especially seem as you are in different countries and continents.

Then you can hook up with whomever before you go back.

bucketybuck

As a guy this isn't even a question, I would rather know as soon as possible.

Sitting on it for weeks because of some moral crap about doing it face to face? Bollocks to that, you are dumping me, at least do me the respect of telling me about it now.

LegacyUser

Alpha_zero wrote: »

Then you can hook up with whomever before you go back.

Why are people throwing in this little dig?? The OP can just be done with the relationship without it meaning she has someone else on the back burner.

If I were your boyfriend, I’d want to know now. Give him a video call and end it. He can use these next few weeks getting to grips with the breakup and at least he can start the new year fresh. He’ll be fine with time.

jlm29

bilbot79 wrote: »

If you dump him now he might meet his future wife on New year's Eve.

You're technically wasting his time actually by not telling him straightaway. He doesn't need you to play god with his emotions, he need rid of you asap. Just do it.

If she dumps him on the 10th of jan, he might meet his future wife on the 11th. I didn’t realise people still had so much love for New Year’s Eve after the age of 18.
But seriously OP, over the phone IS a bit ****, but I’d still probably want it over and done with, in either of your positions!

osarusan

If I were in that situation, I would rather not be thinking about the week/2 weeks of messaging back and forth when the girl had already decided to split up with me.

Mongfinder General

I got dumped over the phone 20 years ago by my American girlfriend at the time. It was right before Xmas, I was dying sick and very much infatuated with her. I think it was about a month after we broke up before she contacted me again. I was just so pissed off at the time that I was in no mood to be amicable and we just ended up firing emails at each other for a couple of days.

However, if you're working with this guy, tread carefully. He'll be in the vicinity on a daily basis and life can get awkward depending on the personalities you're dealing with.

pgj2015

an ex of mine broke up with me in a phone call, it wasnt great to be honest, looking back now though it was the best thing that ever happened me. it was just before christmas, i just went on a load of nights out over christmas and pulled different women every night. if you dump him in january, he will be broke, depressed and wont have the chance to have a couple of weeks to get over it by doing what i did. feck it, i say do it asap.

CPTM

If a phone call is the only way to do it then the meeting in person rule is irrelevant in my opinion. That is only crappy when a person has the option to meet the dumpee that day but instead decided to do it over the phone. That's completely different to phoning because you're in two different countries and physically can't meet.

Explain it is crap to do it over the phone but you thought best to do it sooner rather than later. You can meet if he wants to discuss anything in person when you're back but that for you the relationship doesn't have a future.

Can you please for the love of God then cut him out altogether so that he moves on with his life? I hate all these breakups which technology corrupts with texts here and there on birthdays or exam days or family anniversaries. If it's over, it's over. Be completely cold so that a lovely warm girl who likes and deserves him actually has a shot. It's not who you are, but it's the best thing for him really.

AulWan

I think its cowardly to break up with someone over the phone, and really bad form to do it just before New Years.

If you felt that way "for months", you should have done it before you left, whats your rush now?

Strumms

AulWan wrote: »

I think its cowardly to break up with someone over the phone, and really bad form to do it just before New Years.

If you felt that way "for months", you should have done it before you left, whats your rush now?

Totally...An absolutely giantly ****ty thing to do both the manner 'over the phone' AND the timing of it. It's like two kicks to the bòllocks instead of one and immensely cowardly to boot....

I don't know the OP but I wouldn't have an ounce of respect for anyone who'd consider this a proper and respectful way to end it....

My own advice would be to wait till you get back... while sitting on it wont be all that fun you owe them a face to face away from the emotion and everything that is involved at this time of year...

blarb

Hi OP,

I would prefer to know sooner if I were in his position. If there is no discussion to be had, i.e. if you're sure there's no way this can work with him, then do it asap. As another poster said you can explain you're aware of the cr4ppy timing/method of doing it, and you could offer to meet up up with him when you're back, to talk in person if he wants.

Either way it's gonna be a difficult time, but I'd rather know sooner to be able to start the grieving process while off work and while I have some downtime and family time! Also as someone else said the "phone" method would be terrible if you were a drivable distance from him , but in this scenario I think it's your best call. I also think it pulls the plaster off quickly.

However in future if you are having doubts "for months" I think it would be worth raising them with a boyfriend sooner, rather than leaving them til you've definitively made up your mind. If you can identify early on what is feeling off, and raise it with him, then at least ye both have the chance to see if ye can make it work together. And at least it's not such a shock to the other person when you decide to walk away. Not that it helps a huge amount, as breakups suck anyway, no matter how it's done or who does it! But it might give relationships a better chance at working out, if nothing else!

Good luck OP whatever you do. X

Mehaffey1

Do it right now.

Broke up with my girlfriend of one year there on 21st night, always sooner rather than later. Go Facetime if you can bring yourself to do it

adrian92

EmmaS93 wrote: »

I am in a relationship for nearly a year and I have been having thoughts about breaking up for months. He's a really lovely person and it's not his fault. I just dont feel that way any more so I want to make it as easy as possible on him.

I am Irish but living in Canada for over a year now. I met my boyfriend pretty soon after I came to Canada. We met in work (I am going to avoid work relationships going forward). I am back home for Christmas/New Years and talking to my family helped me decide that I want to break up with him.

After chatting with family and friends it seems that it would be better to call him and break up over the phone while I'm still in Ireland. Main reason being that it wont be a big shock when I come back and he will have some time to process it before he goes back to work. So I was planning to do it on the 27th but my friend said I should wait until after new years as it would ruin his new years eve. I said that to my mam and she said it would be better to give him more time to process it.

Which do you think is the best option?

Not much good advice, but I would go with your feeling.
I think though that it is better to let him know as soon as possible.

Imagine you flying back and you know what you plan to say hello. And he may be looking forward to meeting you.

I really think that it is best to let him know before you return.

Text, phone , email, letter etc - whatever is best

Purple Mountain

I think it's best do it now.
Suppose she waits until face to face back home.
He's going to realise that all the Christmas and NYE sentimental texts and calls were just a spoof.
Phone him and say you are sorry about the method of communication but you had time to think on your own in Ireland and didn't want to prolong the pretence and lead him on.
I always prefer being dumped to doing it. The guilt always got me

NewMan1982

****ty situation. He’s gonna be angry with you whatever way you play it now.

I was dumped by text twice in longer relationships than yours. The girls lived with me. It shows a real lack of respect. Some days it actually helped in the recovery as you would just think what kind of **** does that.

The other side is I would never want to be strung along either. Another ex dumped me a few days before a milestone birthday of my parent. Ruined the birthday celebrations. So I was angry at the time over that but her sitting there the extra few days wouldn’t have been right.

You’ve no choice but to do it over the phone. Do it today.

LegacyUser

I can't see in your original email that you work together but other have mentioned it so maybe it was edited.

I was seeing a girl I work closely with for nearly a year and she ended it recently, the way she ended it was pretty heartless and cold imo, was walking past me in work like I didn't exist when I hadn't down anything.

The work relationship between us is now absolutely toxic because of it, she could have done the breakup in a much better way and it would have been fine but because of the manner she did it in I lost all respect for her and we now absolutely despise each other.

If you work together closely I would be very careful as to how you go about ending it - even if it's not natural for you I would be very empathetic, you have to think about work

bilbot79

afterglow wrote: »

no need for that? I suggest given the sensitive nature of what the OP has posted above, re relationship dynamic, etc, support/sensitivity is what's needed

Let's not be sensitive to the OP. She's the one doing the dumping. Support/sensitivity to be directed to the partner.

Best is to get it out of the way

leggo

Strumms wrote: »

Totally...An absolutely giantly ****ty thing to do both the manner 'over the phone' AND the timing of it. It's like two kicks to the bòllocks instead of one and immensely cowardly to boot....

I don't know the OP but I wouldn't have an ounce of respect for anyone who'd consider this a proper and respectful way to end it....

My own advice would be to wait till you get back... while sitting on it wont be all that fun you owe them a face to face away from the emotion and everything that is involved at this time of year...

You’d rather someone pretend to want to be with you for weeks for the sake of the break-up being somehow ‘nicer’ face-to-face?! Why?

AulWan

Its worth remembering that the OP has to work with this guy after the breakup. She can't just ghost him afterwards and never see him again.

A breakup over the phone, shows a total lack of respect for the person being dumped. (At least, I would have no respect for someone who did that anyway).

Its one more week until New Years and presuming she will be going back to Canada shortly, its not that long to wait.

If she shows some sensitivity towards the guy, it may be better for getting along in the workplace afterwards.

Hoboo

How can anyone think waiting is the right thing. Hes just spent a year thats now going nowhere, another hour is too much.

Ring him, break it off, meet him when you get back to do the face to face thing. He has 3/4 days to get his head straight and go out on NY Eve with a fresh slate.

Keeping him waiting like a lapdog thinking all's great is a ****ty thing to do. Really ****ty.

Its not like he won't realise you felt like this and didn't tell him. You cant waste one more second of his time so you can look like the bigger person not doing it by phone.

amdublin

Yes not ideal doing it over the phone, but considering the circumstances I really don't see an option. Like what is the alternative, respond to all his nice text messages etc and then finish it when you get back. Does not seem honest/fair.


I think you should do what someone said above - do it over the phone but offer to meet with him when you get back. I think you need to be really nice (as any breaker upper should be) and try let him down gently "you are great, I am just not feeling it etc". Breakups are never easy, of course he is going to be hurt.

AulWan

Hoboo wrote: »

How can anyone think waiting is the right thing. Hes just spent a year thats now going nowhere, another hour is too much..

Because breaking up with someone over the phone is a ****ty, disrespectful thing to do, and will make him think he wasn't worth being told in person.

I would lose any respect for someone who did this.

AulWan

AulWan wrote: »

Because breaking up with someone over the phone is a ****ty, disrespectful thing to do, and will make him think he wasn't worth being told in person.

I would lose any respect for someone who did this.

If you’re breaking up with someone then their respect for you hardly matters.

AulWan

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

If you’re breaking up with someone then their respect for you hardly matters.

It does if you still have to work with them afterwards.

Hoboo

AulWan wrote: »

It does if you still have to work with them afterwards.

So stringing him along is better than doing it over the phone because he's in a different country? Not for me, I'd prefer to be told on Facebook than that.

Addle

Because of the distance in this instance, I think a phone call is acceptable.
And the sooner the better.
For both your sakes. Some time before you return to work may be for the best.

leggo

Goose81 wrote: »

<post deleted>

For the sake of giving the OP a full perspective, let’s look at this bit. You realise that toxicity is a two-way street, right? Just as your ex could’ve been more humane and empathetic, you could’ve also been more accepting and led the way in terms of professionalism. Nobody else is responsible for your level of professionalism except you, so if you engage in and feed a toxic work relationship because of your own personal hang-ups, that’s on you as much as your ex. You’re the one, by your own admission, who won’t even look at her. You say yourself the break-up wasn’t bad, which suggests the toxicity you speak of only came from your reaction to the break-up in the coming weeks. Tbh it raises the question about what expectations you have of your ex: she facilitated a good break-up with you. Once that’s done, her responsibility towards you ended. She doesn’t owe you texts or conversations like you used to have to make the process easier, she has her own grief for the relationship to deal with and can’t be expected to be responsible for healing you. I wonder if perhaps her coldness was brought on by needing to be cold for you to accept it was over. If people can’t accept that, then nothing someone does will be enough: if you’re nice you’re leading them on, if you’re cold you’re being horrible to them etc.

I’m not having a go btw. I’ve taken break-ups badly myself and held onto grudges. But always, always what healed me better than anything else was accepting my own responsibility in those situations, forgiving the other person for being human and understanding that it’s not the other person’s job to make it all better (and it’s not possible either, you have to accept it and heal yourself).

So sorry, I don’t think your experience should be something the OP factors in. While it’s definitely always better not to dick work colleagues around for a peaceful, more professional life, she seems like she has that factored in. And her bf could just as easily figure out that she pretended for weeks that she was interested and lied to him. Nobody likes to be broken up with, but how they take it is really on them. OP wouldn’t be here to begin with if she wasn’t looking for the kindest, most humane way of doing it so she’s no intention of being cold like your ex. I am sorry you’re struggling though.

osarusan

Either you break up now, and there's an element of criticism for not doing it face to face, or you delay it until you can do it face-to-face, and there's an element of criticism for delaying it (and, as a part of that, probably stringing him along for some period of time).

Given the OP's current location, there is no 'right' way to do it now, and people will have different preferences, but still I'd prefer to know as soon as possible. Being lied to, and sending and receiving messages that I later learned to be completely empty, would be worse than the lack of face-to-face element of the breakup.

Plumbthedepths

Break up over the phone? What a **** thing to do. Have the courage to face him, he deserves that at least.

AulWan

The OP has been considering breaking up for months, so she has in effect been leading him on for months already, all the time texting, etc.

Another few days until she is back in Canada and can do the decent thing and break up with him in person will not kill her.

OP, ring him, tell him Ye need to talk about your relationship when you get back, give him the heads up, chances are he will know what's going to happen.