Breakup before New Years or after?

EmmaS93 · 25-12-2019 12:15AM #1

I am in a relationship for nearly a year and I have been having thoughts about breaking up for months. He's a really lovely person and it's not his fault. I just dont feel that way any more so I want to make it as easy as possible on him.

I am Irish but living in Canada for over a year now. I met my boyfriend pretty soon after I came to Canada. We met in work (I am going to avoid work relationships going forward). I am back home for Christmas/New Years and talking to my family helped me decide that I want to break up with him.

After chatting with family and friends it seems that it would be better to call him and break up over the phone while I'm still in Ireland. Main reason being that it wont be a big shock when I come back and he will have some time to process it before he goes back to work. So I was planning to do it on the 27th but my friend said I should wait until after new years as it would ruin his new years eve. I said that to my mam and she said it would be better to give him more time to process it.

Which do you think is the best option?

Peatys · 25-12-2019 12:17AM

In a relationship for a year? Bit of respect don't break up over the phone.

EmmaS93 · 25-12-2019 12:20AM

Peatys wrote: »

In a relationship for a year? Bit of respect don't break up over the phone.

Yes that's what I thought but would you would rather miss your girlfriend for 2 and half weeks then be dumped the day she's back?

Loughc · 25-12-2019 12:26AM

EmmaS93 wrote: »

Yes that's what I thought but would you would rather miss your girlfriend for 2 and half weeks then be dumped the day she's back?

Why didn’t you break up with him before you left? So he would have time to process the breakup while you were gone?

Whereisgalway · 25-12-2019 12:27AM

What he get ya for Christmas?

gerard 180 · 25-12-2019 12:28AM

Personally I would prefer to get news like that before new year. New year then brings new hope. Start like a breakup to 2020 would taint the new year. If it were to happen late 2019 it would be better for all parties, you included

EmmaS93 · 25-12-2019 12:28AM

Loughc wrote: »

Why didn’t you break up with him before you left? So he would have time to process the breakup while you were gone?

Because I've been insanely busy in work and I wasnt sure of my feelings but now I am

Foweva Awone · 25-12-2019 12:33AM

Honestly I'd just do it now that the decision has been made. Even if it means having to do it over the phone.

I mean surely he'll be sending you the odd romantic message over Christmas and New Year's, are you going to ignore him or respond in kind?

Don't worry about ruining New Year's, it's a fairly meaningless holiday to most people anyways.

If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you prefer to know now? To me it's far more honest and respectful.

Heat_Wave · 25-12-2019 01:53AM

Over the phone is horrendous. Don’t do that. Have some decency for crying out loud. Forget about Xmas/NY nonsense, timing is irrelevant here.

Mr. Incognito · 25-12-2019 03:07AM

Are you in a hurry to have some fun at home.

If not sit down and speak to him when you are back. You can speak to him and say you want to have a chat about the relationship when you are back.

afterglow · 25-12-2019 03:25AM

hi OP
I suspect, if you're like me, once you've, ' decided ' to do something, you want it done, etc
So, with that said, if I was you, I'd do it before NY, like others have said, don't be overly sentamental about it, its a silly holiday, but I'd echo also what someone above said, if you do it before NY, then, new year, brings new hope. you both deserve that
breakups are never easy, whether you're the one doing the breaking up or not. Be kind to yourself, and its good to do it while you have family around you.
Best of luck, remember breakups happen all the time, and moving on, will enable you both to find the people that are right for you. Oh, and good call on avoiding work relationships going forward, you've learned something from this, so that's another positive

bilbot79 · 25-12-2019 04:15AM

If you dump him now he might meet his future wife on New year's Eve.

You're technically wasting his time actually by not telling him straightaway. He doesn't need you to play god with his emotions, he need rid of you asap. Just do it.

afterglow · 25-12-2019 04:31AM

bilbot79 wrote: »

If you dump him now he might meet his future wife on New year's Eve.

You're technically wasting his time actually by not telling him straightaway. He doesn't need you to play god with his emotions, he need rid of you asap. Just do it.

no need for that? I suggest given the sensitive nature of what the OP has posted above, re relationship dynamic, etc, support/sensitivity is what's needed

leggo · 25-12-2019 09:07AM

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Are you in a hurry to have some fun at home.

This came to mind for me too. There’s a few questions I’d have but, look, we’re past that if your mind is made up OP.

Look this ultimately comes down to “Would you rather have someone pretend to want to be with you for two weeks because it’s Christmas or just get on with things no matter how ****ty it is?” Most people, if given a straight up choice, would take the latter IMO. Maybe don’t do it on Christmas Day because that kinda thing leaves scars but anytime from Stephens Day on you’re good. Breaking up over phone/text gets a bad wrap, I think it was probably in a TV show/movie before and it got a rep as THE WORST thing you can possibly do. But in the real world it’s ****ty information no matter how you receive it. I’ve had face-to-face break-ups that were worse than they needed to be because they were in person and it conveyed that this was a discussion/negotiation, when in truth I was just relaying fully processed info that I was finished. Every situation is different and I think your instinct for how to do it is right here OP.

25-12-2019 09:16AM

Ruining New Years isn’t a thing. Do it as soon as possible.

mrcheez · 25-12-2019 09:19AM

Face to face is the only way. Perhaps a video chat is a sort of half way approach? I think it would be cold to do it from a distant phone call. Personally I'd wait until you are back and just say you had time to think.

ILoveYourVibes · 25-12-2019 10:20AM

there is no good time to break up with someone but there is a right way

he'll not think oh i have time to get over it

he'll think i wasnt even worth doing it in person

do it in person....unless he figures it out

i wouldnt be too luvy dovy etc with him

Caranica · 25-12-2019 11:17AM

I got dumped by text a few weeks ago. It was pretty crappy but also it meant that I didn't have to pretend to be happy or strong or understanding so actually I'm happy they chose that way in hindsight.

Better to rip off that plaster than spend days thinking about how much it will hurt. Not today but later in the week.

1hnr79jr65 · 25-12-2019 11:18AM

At least do it by skype or facetime if u need to do soon.

Jurgen Klopp · 25-12-2019 05:14PM

Maybe I'm in the minority but I'd nearly rather just be told over phone now if someone didn't want to be with me

Rather than wasting 2 weeks missing you and talking and texting away

Maybe it's just me.

I can see the opinions of the do it face to face crowd too tho

Alpha_zero · 25-12-2019 05:27PM

You have made your decision to break up, now let him know. There is nothing wrong with breaking up with a phone call especially seem as you are in different countries and continents.

Then you can hook up with whomever before you go back.

bucketybuck · 25-12-2019 06:28PM

As a guy this isn't even a question, I would rather know as soon as possible.

Sitting on it for weeks because of some moral crap about doing it face to face? Bollocks to that, you are dumping me, at least do me the respect of telling me about it now.

LegacyUser · 25-12-2019 07:03PM

Alpha_zero wrote: »

Then you can hook up with whomever before you go back.

Why are people throwing in this little dig?? The OP can just be done with the relationship without it meaning she has someone else on the back burner.

If I were your boyfriend, I’d want to know now. Give him a video call and end it. He can use these next few weeks getting to grips with the breakup and at least he can start the new year fresh. He’ll be fine with time.

jlm29 · 25-12-2019 07:17PM

bilbot79 wrote: »

If you dump him now he might meet his future wife on New year's Eve.

You're technically wasting his time actually by not telling him straightaway. He doesn't need you to play god with his emotions, he need rid of you asap. Just do it.

If she dumps him on the 10th of jan, he might meet his future wife on the 11th. I didn’t realise people still had so much love for New Year’s Eve after the age of 18.
But seriously OP, over the phone IS a bit ****, but I’d still probably want it over and done with, in either of your positions!

osarusan · 25-12-2019 08:43PM

If I were in that situation, I would rather not be thinking about the week/2 weeks of messaging back and forth when the girl had already decided to split up with me.

Mongfinder General · 25-12-2019 08:56PM

I got dumped over the phone 20 years ago by my American girlfriend at the time. It was right before Xmas, I was dying sick and very much infatuated with her. I think it was about a month after we broke up before she contacted me again. I was just so pissed off at the time that I was in no mood to be amicable and we just ended up firing emails at each other for a couple of days.

However, if you're working with this guy, tread carefully. He'll be in the vicinity on a daily basis and life can get awkward depending on the personalities you're dealing with.

pgj2015 · 25-12-2019 10:13PM

an ex of mine broke up with me in a phone call, it wasnt great to be honest, looking back now though it was the best thing that ever happened me. it was just before christmas, i just went on a load of nights out over christmas and pulled different women every night. if you dump him in january, he will be broke, depressed and wont have the chance to have a couple of weeks to get over it by doing what i did. feck it, i say do it asap.

CPTM · 25-12-2019 10:57PM

If a phone call is the only way to do it then the meeting in person rule is irrelevant in my opinion. That is only crappy when a person has the option to meet the dumpee that day but instead decided to do it over the phone. That's completely different to phoning because you're in two different countries and physically can't meet.

Explain it is crap to do it over the phone but you thought best to do it sooner rather than later. You can meet if he wants to discuss anything in person when you're back but that for you the relationship doesn't have a future.

Can you please for the love of God then cut him out altogether so that he moves on with his life? I hate all these breakups which technology corrupts with texts here and there on birthdays or exam days or family anniversaries. If it's over, it's over. Be completely cold so that a lovely warm girl who likes and deserves him actually has a shot. It's not who you are, but it's the best thing for him really.

AulWan · 25-12-2019 11:17PM

I think its cowardly to break up with someone over the phone, and really bad form to do it just before New Years.

If you felt that way "for months", you should have done it before you left, whats your rush now?

Strumms · 26-12-2019 12:12AM

AulWan wrote: »

I think its cowardly to break up with someone over the phone, and really bad form to do it just before New Years.

If you felt that way "for months", you should have done it before you left, whats your rush now?

Totally...An absolutely giantly ****ty thing to do both the manner 'over the phone' AND the timing of it. It's like two kicks to the bòllocks instead of one and immensely cowardly to boot....

I don't know the OP but I wouldn't have an ounce of respect for anyone who'd consider this a proper and respectful way to end it....

My own advice would be to wait till you get back... while sitting on it wont be all that fun you owe them a face to face away from the emotion and everything that is involved at this time of year...

blarb · 26-12-2019 12:27AM

Hi OP,

I would prefer to know sooner if I were in his position. If there is no discussion to be had, i.e. if you're sure there's no way this can work with him, then do it asap. As another poster said you can explain you're aware of the cr4ppy timing/method of doing it, and you could offer to meet up up with him when you're back, to talk in person if he wants.

Either way it's gonna be a difficult time, but I'd rather know sooner to be able to start the grieving process while off work and while I have some downtime and family time! Also as someone else said the "phone" method would be terrible if you were a drivable distance from him , but in this scenario I think it's your best call. I also think it pulls the plaster off quickly.

However in future if you are having doubts "for months" I think it would be worth raising them with a boyfriend sooner, rather than leaving them til you've definitively made up your mind. If you can identify early on what is feeling off, and raise it with him, then at least ye both have the chance to see if ye can make it work together. And at least it's not such a shock to the other person when you decide to walk away. Not that it helps a huge amount, as breakups suck anyway, no matter how it's done or who does it! But it might give relationships a better chance at working out, if nothing else!

Good luck OP whatever you do. X

Breakup before New Years or after?

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