The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Nodster · 18-12-2019 08:07PM

You heard of the Gynecologist who took up DIY?

....he wallpapered the hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox

LaFuton · 18-12-2019 09:52PM

decky1 wrote: »

I was delivered by cesarean section, now every time i leave the house i have to go out through the window.

apparently ye lack the ' final coating ' to protect against the elements (true story)

decky1 · 19-12-2019 01:41PM

LaFuton wrote: »

apparently ye lack the ' final coating ' to protect against the elements (true story)

WTF?

Stone Deaf 4evr · 19-12-2019 01:49PM

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Never do a runner from an Ethiopian restaurant.

I ate in an ethiopian restaurant once, it was awful, portion sizes were tiny and we had to walk a mile for water.

TheBody · 19-12-2019 02:54PM

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

Bob Harris · 19-12-2019 03:23PM

decky1 wrote: »

WTF?

Babies born naturally come out covered in bits of their mammy's poo which is said to help their gut bacteria develop and reduce allergies. If born by caesarean then they miss out on this.

Why I'm writing this in the joke thread I do not know.

RobMc59 · 19-12-2019 03:41PM

The annual premature ejaculation society dinner will be held on Friday night.

No dress code just come in your pants..

Edgware · 19-12-2019 07:34PM

The Haemorrids Society Christmas "do" will be an informal stand up affair

Ronin247 · 19-12-2019 07:53PM

RobMc59 wrote: »

The annual premature ejaculation society dinner will be held on Friday night.

No dress code just come in your pants..

Word of warning, it is at 9 pm, I thought it was at 7 oclock last year, but the hotel said I had come too early.

The Princess Bride · 19-12-2019 09:08PM

I take pictures of myself from a depressed angle and I always get condensation in the photo.

I think I suffer from low selfie steam.

whiskeyman · 19-12-2019 09:10PM

Bob Harris wrote: »

Babies born naturally come out covered in bits of their mammy's poo which is said to help their gut bacteria develop and reduce allergies. If born by caesarean then they miss out on this.

Why I'm writing this in the joke thread I do not know.

sligojoek · 19-12-2019 09:19PM

decky1 wrote: »

I was delivered by cesarean section, now every time i leave the house i have to go out through the window.

I bet your car has a sunroof.

Capt'n Midnight · 19-12-2019 09:41PM

Q: What Christmas carol do they sing in German lunatic asylums?

A: God rest ye Jerry mental-men!

decky1 · 19-12-2019 09:41PM

Bob Harris wrote: »

Babies born naturally come out covered in bits of their mammy's poo which is said to help their gut bacteria develop and reduce allergies. If born by caesarean then they miss out on this.

Why I'm writing this in the joke thread I do not know.

That's two of us.:D

Capt'n Midnight · 19-12-2019 09:47PM

I went to a party dressed as an oven. My mate came dressed as an oven too.
" I thought you were coming as a parrot" I said.

" No" he replied. " I said I was coming as a cooker too"

foxy farmer · 19-12-2019 10:18PM

What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say sorry.

coolhull · 19-12-2019 10:43PM

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.
She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asks.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in- law explains.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaims.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law answers.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can't get enough of me!"

The mother-in-law leaves, inspired by what she has learned.

When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic CD, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers sensually.
"Needs ironing," he says. "What's for dinner?
..........

He never heard the gunshot.

Capt'n Midnight · 20-12-2019 06:30PM

Took my daughter to see Santa at the local shopping centre yesterday and as we approached him there was the unmistakable stench of booze and fags.

God only knows what poor old Santa must have thought of her.

Bob Harris · 20-12-2019 06:33PM

I sold my vacuum cleaner, all it did was gather dust.

You can say what you want about deaf people.

The first time I got a universal remote I thought 'well this changes everything'.

el_gaucho · 20-12-2019 10:17PM

I saw a sign in a shop the other day: “TV for sale, €10. Volume stuck on high.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

Good old Tim Vine.

byrner88 · 21-12-2019 04:56AM

Only time of the year you can shout

"dont come in here"

From inside a closed room & people think your wrapping gifts and not ****.

22-12-2019 02:40AM

I remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject.

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

The Princess Bride · 22-12-2019 03:40AM

I've just been to see Cats in the cinema.
They let the audience in and 10 minutes later they wanted to go back out again.

The Princess Bride · 22-12-2019 03:41AM

My neighbour is sick and tired of living in a greenhouse.
I can sort of see where he's coming from.

New Home · 22-12-2019 09:07AM

The Princess Bride wrote: »

My neighbour is sick and tired of living in a greenhouse.
I can sort of see where he's coming from.

Tell him to give it time, it'll grow on him.

RobMc59 · 23-12-2019 02:06PM

I sleep better naked

Why can't the flight attendant understand this?

blade1 · 23-12-2019 03:46PM

RobMc59 wrote: »

I sleep better naked

Why can't the flight attendant understand this?

Is that you Neil Prenderville? :pac:

Sheridan81 · 23-12-2019 07:26PM

My girlfriend and I had great make up sex the other day after an argument. I say 'make up sex'---she stormed out and I shoved her lipstick up my arse.

coolhull · 25-12-2019 10:21PM

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a pub one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality, he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

27-12-2019 12:51AM

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

The answer is found below....

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1: Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2: Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3: Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4: Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5: Am I dressed provocatively?

6: Could I run away?

7: Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8: Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9: Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to
society?

10: Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11: If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12: If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls
over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13: If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity
to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:

BANG!

American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

'Click'...Reload...

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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